Good morning! Ya know recently I’ve been watching this thing called Throwback Thursday rise up like Godzilla from the dark, watery depths. Only instead of destroying Tokyo, it’s more kinda decorating the interwebz with stuff from...before everything was already on the interwebz?
Anyway, it gave me an idea. (More like it gave me an excuse to be quasi lazy.) Since I’m supposed to be “sorting and updating” in preparation for me crashing my bloggy thing (ie migrating), why not retool something from the “early” days and share it? Again. Like it was new. Because I’m all lazy like that.
So here’s a random act of stupidity, originally committed on February 7, 2012.
This morning I had the bright idea of playing the whole “good idea, bad idea” game and, seeing as every orifice on my face is currently running like a leaky faucet, I’m pretty sure I lost.
It all started way back at 5:00 AM…it was a chilly, dark morning and I awoke to the usual laundry-list of aches and pains. Making its debut at the top of the list was the new and highly annoying “it-hurts-to-smile” face-aches. (I mean, seriously guys, I know the jokes about, “Your face is killing me!” but it kinda blows when your own face really for real IS killing you.)
I tried to put the ouchies outta my mind as I sat down at the computer with my usual morning coffee, opened my mail, and began to play.
And there it was. Sitting in the in-box was a comment that shone as if the heavens had parted and the Sun itself was highlighting the answer to my “no-smile” conundrum; draw a smile on.
Suddenly it was oh-so clear to me and I knew what it was I must do; fetch my IcyHot Patches and a Sharpie. (It’s probably best not to ask. The whole thing seemed like an awesome idea at 5:00 AM with my neurons trying to fire on a mere half-cup of coffee)
So I ran to the bathroom, threw open the cabinet doors, and began to dig. THERE! Glowing like a beacon of hope in the glare of the vanity lights, I unearthed the box of patches, pulling it close to my chest as if it were a precious jewel.
I madly grabbed for the scissors, ripping the pouch open with my bared teeth. I was like a crazed animal on the trail of fudge nut brownies! (If, ya know, predatory actually stalked fudge nut brownies in the wild. Which I’m pretty sure they don’t. But if they did? I would have looked JUST LIKE THAT!)
With a certain hope growing in me, I removed one soft patch and swiftly cut it in half. I gently peeled the protective backing off, careful not to let any part of it touch another as to avoid the whole “balled-up bandaid” effect. Then I slapped a half of that puppy on each side of my face!
Aaaahhhhh….the soothing cool caressed my cheeks like a long-lost lover. Then the flooding warmth. Sweet, sweet, soothing warmth.
I nonchalantly sacheted back to my desk, basking in the relaxing charm of the patch. I took my seat and began to rummage through the drawer, looking for the Sharpie that would complete my brilliant plan. There it was. YES! I darn near skipped back to the safety of the bathroom and its mirror, so proud of the thought I’d put into this. (OK, it was more of a skip-drag-skip-trip-catch-myself-on-the-wall-half-hop-give-it-up-and-walk than an actual skip, but close enough.)
With a giddy laugh, I popped the top off the marker and began to draw. Rosey red cheeks? Check. The corners of my petal pink mouth? Check. VIOLA! I once more had a stunning smile. *insert creepy giggle here*
With a sigh of satisfaction, I stepped back to admire my handy work, pleased at the results of the morning’s activity. I was a genius. A flippin’ GENIUS! Then...I felt it; the first hint that something wasn’t. quite. right.
At first, it was just a tingle. Was there a slight moisture to my eyes? I must be tearing-up with the pride at my accomplishment. Then a tiny trickle began to emerge from my nose. What the…
That was about the time the gates of slime-hell opened and the “flooding” REALLY started!
My eyes were no longer just misty with pride, they were free-flowing orbs of schmutz. My nose went from “trickle” to “river of goo” in 2.8 seconds flat. And suddenly the lessons of my youth, long thought lost to the ravages of time (or brain fog) (or possibly both), came rushing back to me at the speed of the “stuff” rushing from my face openings; when you’ve got a nasty cold with a stuffy, aching head? Menthol action around your face will loosen your sinuses.
And it apparently works on EVERYTHING ELSE too!
*sigh* Thus, what began as my greatest joy, my Mona Lisa of the Morning, ended with complete, mucus-covered failure. I effectively lost my smile (and half a box of Kleenex), twice in one day.
PS Just to be clear, I checked the “cautions” on the stupid box and it only says to avoid CONTACT with eyes. Abso-freakin’-lutely NOTHING about your whole face. Although they might wanna amend that after this.
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m one of THOSE people that lead to the warning stickers on things like hair dryers that tell you not to use them in the shower.
PPS No IcyHot Patches were harmed in the making of this blog. (Which is kinda an outright lie, since I cut the thing in half, then wadded it up in a gooey ball, and tossed it out in the trash. A sad end for such a brave, little patch.)
PPPS No one is paying me to say anything good or otherwise about IcyHot Patches. Which is probably a good thing ‘cause they’d most likely end up suing me if they were. So I basically saved money by buying my own instead of offering to trade a review for free patches.Damn, I’m more money savvy than I thought!