The Return of the House-Mouse

 It’s a silent, peaceful morning right now. The muted pinks and yellows of the soon-to-come sunrise are just beginning to show through the tree line. In a few minutes I’ll be outside, freezing my unmentionables off, but for now I’m warm and cozy at the table with my trusty friend Morning Coffee by my side.

 The last few days have been a blurr…but today will be a little different. Today I will have to start overcoming my some-what inflated ego when it comes to work…maybe…

 Nick and I had a long talk yesterday. We decided December 23 will be my last day at work. In my current physical state, it’s gotten to be too much! I can manage to muster enough strength to get through an eight hour shift, but nothing is left for home-life. Besides, I’m working to support a “way of life” that revolves around our two youngest going stir-crazy and me spending two full days a week on the couch…not much of a way of life...

 I am both excited and terrified! I LOVE my job! I ENJOY my job! I’m GOOD at my job! I just hate the politics and extraneous bs…And the toll it takes is too high right now. Not just on me, but on the kids and hubby as well…

 OK…I’m done justifying it to myself now…Yes, a LARGE part of myself is feeling extremely guilty…the 2^nd income is nice for easing the stress of “sole bread winner” off hubby. And the satisfaction of being able to make a machine do what I want it too is AWESOME! And…I’m feeling a bit like a quitter…

 …But my words from a few nights ago are ringing in my ears…”Company X doesn’t care about you, only about the bottom line. You have to take care of yourself…”

 So today I’ll start training my replacement. (An inferior specimen, I might add! *grin*) And do the best I can to laugh, joke and have fun while I’m doing it. The “new guy” really needs to see there are other ways to motivate people besides yelling and threatening their jobs…he needs to see helping is far better than intimidating…I guess we’ll see!

 So, off I go to shower, thaw out, and get the day under way…and do my best to shut my brain up!

House-Party In My Body

I have never been much of a morning person, but lately they’ve been growing on me. That brief period of time between the day’s first cup of coffee and when the rest of the house begins rolling out of bed for the day…it has become “my” time.

After the cats and dogs are fed and the first cup of “black lovely” in poured, the earbuds go in with their blissfully mellow acoustic. Then the netbook comes out and I have time to collect my thoughts and sort through the scattered nuttiness of the previous day, either “filing” the thoughts and memories away or tossing them in the “recycle bin” to be discarded to make room for better…

I have time to write, read or simply catch-up on e-mail. I have time and space to think. I have time to gain access to the bathroom without one of four others knocking on the door! (My 2^nd oldest moved to his own apartment the 1^st of this month. I think he was tired of sharing a bathroom too…)

Right now, the sky is still dark and the hot coffee is hitting my system like a long lost friend! And I’m sorting through the absolute insane melee of last night! I think I learned a very valuable lesson…my brain does NOT function well under the duress of pain! It was so “over the top” last night that I missed 1^st break…and a pain pill. Before my lunch break, my brain had basically shut down all higher functions, devoting all of its energy instead to suppressing a low moan and profuse cursing! I’m not sure I could have added two and two and come to the conclusion they equaled four!  

I have been doing the best I could to avoid taking the hydrocodone; either due to fear of addiction or the belief I was being a “whimp” about the pain. I think I finally have made peace with the fact that pain is a bigger problem than I thought it was. It has become this giant, hairy monster that if left to its own devices will invite its friends “Fatigue” and “Brain Fog” over for an all-out, house-trashing party in my body!

So…after my personal “Guard” Mr. Vicotin had hit the scene and forcibly evicted the “party animals”, I did what I always do…gather info. I tracked down Brian (the guy who’s been through this before) and asked him about the pain/brain fog connection. He told me before his operation there were times he couldn’t remember his own name…He said when it hurt the worst, his brain simply would shut down until he got meds in his system to stop the agony.

Of course, me being me, this got me to thinking about how I HATE the fact that our society has developed a certain stigma concerning the use of painkillers…FOR PAIN! I cannot count the number of t-shirts and bumper-stickers touting the “positive” attributes of experiencing pain. (“Pain is just weakness leaving the body!” “Pain is for the weak!”) Until recently, my hubby was fond of telling me, “Pain doesn’t hurt!” (In reference to his refusal to take anything for the knee he destroyed in High School wrestling.) Then you add to the mix all the “tabloid-trash” news about various celebrities and their pain-killer addictions. Even Doctors seem to think you’re looking for a “quick high” if you ask for something for the pain. My Pharmacist still rolls her eyes every time I refill my script!

Well people, I’m here to tell you pain DOES hurt! It is NOT weakness leaving my body…otherwise I’d be made of flippin’ steel by this point! And one fact lost on most people who don’t live with chronic pain is that pain releases a certain set of chemicals in your brain, altering the way it works (brain fog) and prescription painkillers act on this “soup”. If you’re actually in pain, THERE IS NO HIGH!!! You CAN’T use it recreationally! All it does is dull the pain…not even kill it…just dull it!

OK…I’ll climb down off my soapbox now. *grin*

So…I guess all I’ve been trying to say is, I have finally come to my own personal conclusion that tis better to take the darned pill and be able to function than to worry about whether or not my Pharmacist thinks I’m “partying” or if I’m going to turn into any one of many celebs attempting to numb myself to emotional pain…

Those of us living with daily, life altering physical pain know the truth about how much strength it actually takes…so put that on a bumper-sticker!

Hormones For The Holidays

 This morning my internal thermostat has gone completely haywire!!! 38 degrees outside and it feels AWESOME! 68 degrees in the house…I’m sweltering! (I’ve already checked and I’m not running a fever. What the heck?) Maybe it's the hormones...No! Thay are NOT "hot flashes"...I prefer the term "power surges". Sounds so much kinder...

 I finished “Trippin’ Pixie” yesterday, read quite a bit of the new book, and refused to move off the couch. The worst part is, I feel worse this morning than I did yesterday…like I’ve been beaten with a brick bat!

 This happened last week too…one day of “rest” left me feeling twice as bad. Two days in a row, I felt like a new woman! So, now I’m torn between calling in this morning or toughing it out. Besides, what the heck is my Super thinking? Tuesday and Thursday off? It’s like he thinks the world will end if I’m gone two days in a row…On my SERIOUSLY “cranky” days (like today) I almost wish he could step inside my skin for a day or two so he could understand what the heck I’m pushing through in the name of a paycheck…

 I suppose I could go BACK to the Doc and ask for a note explaining I need two CONSECUTIVE days off to recoup…think it’d work? *grin*

 Of course, it’s hard to be cranky for long…sitting at the table in a currently quiet house, two purring kittens curled up on my lap, acoustic Holiday tunes playing in my earbuds…Now, if the geese would just stay in the yard (and my right eye would focus)….

 This up-coming week-end should be when we get our tree and all the decorations go up. However, I’m not sure how that’s going to work. This year we have seven three-month-old kittens in the house, as well as two almost-grown “dump-ees” that have never encountered a Yule Tree before. (I’m thinking the breakable ornaments are staying in the box this year.) Hubby has suggested we “anchor” the tree to the wall…may not be a bad idea! Secretly…it’ll be a hoot to watch them…

 So, my goal for today is to actually shower, dress, and make it to town to drop the MRI CD’s off at the Doc’s office so they can get copies to the Ortho before the 19^th.

I guess I should get up and attempt to make it a reality…

Trippin' Pixie

 This morning is not just cold, it’s COLD! After raining all day yesterday (my youngest son’s 17^th Birthday!), it turned frigid overnight. I’ll be lucky if I can find a thawed-out hose for morning bird work…

 Meanwhile…my body is on strike again…I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to remain upright through the second half of my shift last night…SO HAPPY I’m off today! I solemnly swear to lay on the couch under a blankie and do my best impression of a human slug…ALL day! After all, I’ve got a new book on the Kindle and see no reason I shouldn’t spend the entire day reading it…

 Meanwhile, since my last entry, I found another person to add to the “My Heroes” list. Sandy, another woman I work with, noticed my bright orange bracelet and asked me what it was. When I told her it was an MS Awareness bracelet, she told me her son has MS. He has one of the rarer forms that progresses rapidly and without mercy. At diagnosis the Docs told him he had two years to live and he should plan on spending most of it blind and in a wheelchair. She said that was four years ago!

 Her son has sold his Harley, since he can no longer ride, and he’s selling his pick-up because he can’t get in it without assistance, but he’s still alive and walking! And, as of right now, hasn’t completely lost his eyesight.  I took her one of the extra bracelets I had (they came in a 10-pack).

 The thing that struck me about her story was she wasn’t feeling sorry for his situation. She spoke with pride and hope! She was proud of him for not accepting the diagnosis, but for fighting to continue to be the man he had always been. He may have made a few concessions with selling his bike and truck, but he was still refusing to buy a wheelchair.

 The human spirit is, as always, inspiring! Back-and-forth was may go…up and down…but we keep going. Pushing…(some days a little too hard…) And we LIVE!

 On a more obscure note, I’m currently in the process of re-working a caricature I did last year, dubbed “Punk Rock Pixie”.

 I’ve always had a thing for Tinkerbelle…after all, she’s a diminutive blonde (my natural hair color) with a set of hips on her (remember the “keyhole” incident?) and a SERIOUS attitude! What’s not to like? Then, a few years back when my Mother was ill, my Father began calling me “Pixie”…me being the smallest in the family (almost a full foot shorter than him or my brother). Shortly after, I stumbled across a Tink t-shirt that said, “Pixies Rock!” and the weird borderline obsession began!

 I ended up re-working a picture of Tink to reflect my “look”, slapped it on a sweatshirt, and voila! Punk Rock Pixie was born.

 These days, however, I’ve “changed” a bit…My heeled combat-style boots have given way to flat, lightweight tennis shoes to better accommodate feet that won’t fully cooperate. My cut-off cargo shorts have been replaced with jeans and pajama pants. I still live in tank-tops, but since I lost all the weight I’ve been perpetually cold…so now the tanks are frequently covered with over-sized hoodies. And, of course, I’ve added the infamous purple cane…So Ms. Punk Rock is in the process of being replaced with the “Trippin’ Pixie”. Either that, or “Tinker-Fell, the Grounded Pixie”.

 After all, life should be full of fun and laughter, and if I can’t laugh a little at myself…well then, I’d be a pretty boring person!

The Absurdity Of Life

 Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day!

 A few days ago I decided to switch back to my old “two-a-day” Gabapentin and I actually can get up in the morning again! Since it happens to be the only “me” time I get in a house over-run with people and critters, I was MISSING IT! Besides, the two-a-day definitely work better than the 24 hour time-release when it comes to pain control…so it’s a win-win.

 After lunch I got a call from the Doc’s office with my appointment date for the Ortho…December 19^th. Holy Cow! I was expecting a couple month wait at the very least. I just about did cartwheels…(THAT would have been an interesting sight…)

 The only “weird” point of the day mercifully didn’t occur until late. I have no idea what I did, but I was picking my tool bag up to leave work and a white-hot lightning bolt shot from my left hip all the way up the left side of my back. And the zaps kept coming…The beautiful part was every time lightning struck, the entire left side of my body simply quit working…completely limp! Made walking, standing, and pumping gas an exercise in movement and timing! I ended up looking like one of those kid’s toys that you push on the bottom of the base and the toy flip-flops from one side to another…

 This morning it seems better…although whenever I bend or move the left side much, it’s still there in milder form. It feels like a metallic taste in your mouth. (Don’t ask…it’s the best way of describing it I could think of!) It’s also decided to bring the right side in on the fun and games…wouldn’t want it to feel left out! So far, it’s like a 9V zap on the right…I can live with that.

 Can you imagine what will happen if the two sides go full-tilt-bozo at the same time? That would be HILARIOUS!!!! It would be like a marionette someone cut the strings on… That would freak people out, especially if I was laying there, twitching and laughing…Funny thought, but hope I don’t find out!

 Every day is a new adventure…I just have to remember to keep laughing at the occasional absurdity of life…and roll with the punches! (Or occasionally “crumple”…)

My Heroes

 Headaches are nature’s way of showing that she’s secretly WAY into S&M! (Forget the flowers and soft, flowing dresses…she traded them in for leather and a few whips…)

 Last night I was “catching up” with my one-legged turning Operator at work (one AWESOME guy with a heck of a WICKED sense of humor!) and found out he had the same neck/nerve problem I have. His was due to the fact he has degenerative spine disease, so they ended up fusing his C5/C6 together…but the moral of the story was, as soon as he woke up in recovery, all the pain was gone. ALL the pain! He said he still has a few “glitches left (think you’re holding onto an object and try to let go, but your fingers have “frozen” in place…manually moving is required…been there, done that…) but the pain is GONE!

 Talk about being excited…hope and light at the end of the tunnel!

 So…if they get this crap fixed, will this “journal” change again, since I will officially not be “chronically ill”? I was thinking about this over the last few days…Will I remove my MS Awareness bracelet? The answer I kept returning to for both was a resounding, “Heck no!”

 My Doc said I was a “text-book” case of MS before the clean MRI’s started rolling in. I’ve had several people tell me repeatedly I sounded like a “classic case” of Fibromyalgia. I’ve heard the phrase “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome” tossed at me a few times…The truth is, I may not have ANY of these things, but if THIS is what any of them feel like…I WANT to raise awareness!!!! I WANT to volunteer to help however I can! Because…well, this s**t sucks!

 The MS bracelet won’t come off, but it probably will be joined by a few more. (Hey, there’s plenty of room before I reach my elbow!) After all, not only are they durable and colorful, the money they generate goes to great causes!

 One good thing I can say has come from this whole drawn-out, crappy adventure is I’ve met some incredibly strong people!

 Carol has RA in her hands and wrists. There are days she literally cannot open a door with assistance. She is on meds, but nowhere near the “strongest” or “newest” available. She weighed the side effects against the advantages and how it affects her overall quality of life and decided she wasn’t willing to make the trade-off. She has good days and bad days (which I’ve noticed a distinct rise in the number of these lately…) but she always manages to smile and joke around, even if it’s occasionally through gritted teeth. She is an extremely STRONG woman who gets incredibly p-o’ed is she detects the slightest whiff of pity.

 Brian lost a leg in service of our Country. He has degenerative spine disease. He also has a “bad” heart. (Needs a valve replaced in the VERY near future.) He has one of the most awesomely evil sense of humors I’ve ever come across…He lives life as an adventure that should involve as much fun and laughter as humanly possible with no time to sit around and be “sick”. He works harder than 100% healthy “kids” half his age and is one of the quickest on his feet (or foot) to offer words of encouragement or any help you may need. He would never describe himself as courageous…but I would.

 Melissa has Fibromyalgia with legs that swell up the size of medium tree trunks. She is a single mother with four kids. She works 3^rd shift…seven days a week. Up until two weeks ago, she was working twelve hour days, seven days a week. The only concession she’s made is to obtain an eight-hour-a-day restriction. (Which the f-ing “Unmentionable Place of Employment” is trying to fight her on!) She moves no-stop all night running more machines at a time than anyone should. She’s not missed a day since I’ve known her. She’s a flippin’ trooper!

 There are others I’m sure who simply keep their illness to themselves and tough it out the best they can…because it’s what they’ve always done. Because a stupid thing like being sick is no reason to quit living or working. Because they are “who they are”, NOT “what they have”. These are the people I want to be like when I grow up! These are my heroes.

(Photo from http://www.phonezoo.com/)

The Good, The Bad, And The Not-So-Pretty

 Yesterday I had some GREAT news and then I was CRUSHED!

 The “right” Wednesday finally rolled around and I saw the Doc, with all medical records in hand…She reviewed them and informed me the Neuro appeared to be a lazy idiot! (OK…she didn’t say that…but it was quietly implied!) She doesn’t think I have irreversible nerve damage…yet. She’s referred me to an Ortho in what many (including me) consider the best Hospital in the State.

She said they might use injections or I could require surgery…but she was confident they could fix it! Either way, my symptoms associated with the nerve compression should be corrected.

 Then…she told me she was leaving the Practice! She feels she’s gone about as far as she can where she’s at and it’s time for her to move on.

 NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 I cried. I admit it. (NOT a pretty sight!) I mean, I finally find a Doc who will LISTEN and work with me on my healthcare. She doesn’t treat me like a dumbass when I don’t understand something nor does she discount my opinion because I don’t have a degree. If she doesn’t know, she’ll look it up and she completely lacks the God Complex of so many Docs I’ve come across. I LOVE THIS WOMAN!

 So now, I’ve just gotta wait it out ‘til she ends up in a new Practice…and I WILL be the first in line!

 Now I’m waiting for the Nurse to call with the referral…then I’ll wait for the appointment. Again, have I mentioned I am NOT a patient woman by nature?

 Yesterday I was a bad girl…after the fun of the morning, I played hooky from work. The pain and exhaustion were kicking my ass, and I knew I was going to be a ROYAL B at work, so I stayed home, crawled into a pair of warm, fuzzy jammies, and curled up on the couch with a good book. And failed to move the rest of the night! It felt GOOD!!!!!

 Thus began the fantasies of quitting again…I turn in my notice, or take an extended Medical Leave…curl up on the couch for a week solid…sleep for days on end…and when I finally feel human, get up and give the house a thorough cleaning…laundry remains caught up…meals are cooked…The whole fantasy ends with me feeling like my old self again, instead the of the fuzzy-headed auto matron I’ve become who sleeps, eats and works with NO energy to do anything else!

 But that’s the thing about fantasies…they’re not real. We need the income from my job…especially for the impending Holidays! I mean, we just bought a house for crying out loud! And it’s not like my job is killing me…it just feels like it some days!

 But, I’m not quite as tired this morning and the pain hasn’t started yet, so I’m gonna proclaim today is gonna be a good day!!!!! It has to be…(I’m running out of FMLA time at work! *grin*)  Besides, according to the Doc all I have to do to avoid the truly “bad” days is not irritate or inflame the muscles…(not that I even know what I did, how I did it, or even when I did it the first time!)

 So, there you have it! Today I will NOT be a human slug! Today I WILL be a productive team player at work. Today I will NOT eat pain meds like M&M’s! Today I will smile, laugh, and not bite anyone’s head off. (OK, a little less enthusiastic about that one, but I will TRY.) Today WILL be a GOOD day!

Self Doubt

 I saw a T-shirt on CaféPress. It said, “My Disabling Chronic Illness Is More Real Than Your Imaginary Medical Expertise.” I want that shirt!

 Last night at work was uncontrolled chaos as far as the machinery went… Between the complete exhaustion, border-line migraine, and various other aches and pains it was a fight just to get there. But I made it through! At the end of the shift, I was inquiring how my Supervisor would hold up under an Audit they were having today. He made the comment, “We could use you, but you do what you think you have to do.” Then it dawned on me…he thinks I’m “faking” to get out of the insane overtime!!!

 Now, I’ve read all kinds of material about the “mental tole” of an “invisible” chronic illness…I’ve talked to people who fight the stereo-type of “lazy faker”. I’ve sat through repeated office visits where my Doc asked not only me about how my “mental state” was holding up, but she also asked my hubby about signs of depression, BUT…his comment really got to me!

 After I got home and collapsed of the couch, laying there feeling every part of my body trying to kick my ass from  the inside out, I still had a moment of wondering if he was right. Wondering if it was all in my head and if I just quit whining, got up and “pushed” if it would all go away. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough….

 Bull-Hockey!

 Yes, I do my best (as most of us do) to hide the glitches, aches, pains, and other crap, but self-doubt isn’t a symptom on my laundry-list and I don’t plan on putting it there!

 Why would anyone WANT to intentionally live like half-an-invalid? Because, let me tell ya…limping in steel-toes is NOT a good look! “Walking” down an isle between two machines in a pinball fashion leaves bruises (not to mention drawing some odd looks). Brain-fog really sucks the confidence outta your IQ. Dropping everything can even lead to financial loss…I’ve lost several tools in machines that way!

 I may occasionally be called a “Drama Queen” do to a random tendency to overreact…but this is a bit past that. After all, it would be WAY too much work to try to remember to walk like a drunken zombie and keep my hands set on “High Vibrate” all the time! Not to mention the inevitable side-effects on my liver and other necessary organs from all the meds I’m taking. That’s just a bit extreme a price to pay to duck out of overtime…

 My hubby pointed out to me I have to live in my body, not my Supervisor. I shouldn’t worry about his opinion. (Have I mentioned how awesome a guy he is?)

 So…I’m thinking someone, somewhere should establish a National Up-Yours Day for all the people who look at others and determine at a glance that they’re faking being ill either out of laziness or for attention!

 And here’s the link to the Official T-shirt for this official day. Enjoy!

http://www.cafepress.com/+your_imaginary_medical_expert_fitted_tshirt,75690676

I Laugh In The Face of Stress!

 OK, it’s true that a person can’t be “up” all the time (without pharmaceutical assistance, anyway…), but how do you deal with it?

 How do you live and work in a “high stress” world, add constant pain and health issues on top of it, and not get bummed occasionally? Or is the trick all in how you deal with the stress, preventing at least some of the "downs"?

 Yes, I have noticed an increase in the pain and other problems when the stress escalates…but short of quitting my job and climbing into bed permanently, I can’t yet figure out how to avoid the stressful situations…

1)      Everything I’ve read recommends meditation to aid in dealing with stress. I’ve tried for years to properly meditate…and have only ever managed to repeatedly fall asleep!

 But wait! If meditation is all about finding your “center”, your “happy spot”, then could writing qualify? It’s the one thing I do that’s “mine”…that serves no “useful” purpose in my day except to “relax” me. The words popping up on the glowing screen is how I work through my “baggage” and put things in perspective. So…maybe this blog is my form of meditation?

2)      Eliminate the stress from your life. Hhhhmmmm….short of a few happy scenarios that occasionally play out in my imagination, I’m not sure what they generally mean by “eliminate”. I could become a hermit…but the stress of missing my friends and family would be counter-productive.

 Let’s face it, unless you’re living somewhere far away from the hustle-and-bustle of modern life, are independently wealthy, or live-the-dream of working from home, there’s no realistic way of surviving and avoiding stress. Modern life + crowds of people = stress! (And yes, “living off the land in harmony with nature” is its own form of stress…but it seems somehow a “kinder gentler stress”!)

3)      Avoid stressful situations. OK…see #2.

4)      Find a hobby. There are all kinds of studies that shows the therapeutic value of hobbies. Not to mention the joy of making something with your two hands.

 On “good” days (when the hands are cooperating) I knit, crochet, spin, and carve. Although recently, there haven’t been that many “good” days around the tremors…and dropping a stitch is one thing when knitting…putting a high-speed carving tool through a finger is another.

 I usually refer to books and music as obsessions, but I think I could reclassify them as hobbies…reading with headphones on is DEFINITELY relaxing!

5)      Create space for yourself. I’ve read several places where creating even a tiny corner of tranquility for only you is stress-reducing. Again…sounds easier said than done in a big family/small house setting.

 I guess, if I think about it, the tiny notebook I’m currently writing on could qualify. After all, in a three bedroom, one bath home full of people and too many cats, dogs, and birds…well, this is about the ONLY “place” no one else messes with. The kids and hubby all prefer the full-size laptop. So this has become MY space. And when you combine it with the writing, it actually contributes to stress-lessening in two ways…

6)      Touch therapy has been shown in multiple studies to lessen stress, reduce blood pressure, and contribute to fellings of well-being. Both human touch as well as the simple act of petting a dog or cat falls into this category.

 I got this one covered in spades! I guess it is true…the nightly scenario I refer to as my “happy spot” is laying with my head on my hubby’s lap, a couple cats curled up on my belly and legs, reading a good book. If there’s some mellow acoustic music playing in the background…well, that right there is my personal slice of perfection!

Now, if I could just figure out how to take these stress-busters to work with me, I would be the most un-stressed person on Earth!

(Picture: "Stress-busting" with the birds)

Thanksgiving And Blackmail Pictures

 I truly hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving!

 We survived here. The house was cleaned, the turkey cooked all the way through and reduced to nothing but bones, and the family come and gone. It was a good day!

 The only “shadow” was the sugar cream pie. (Cooking Tip 101: If you have no short term memory, always use a “Baking Buddy” because sugar cream pie will not set if you forget the heavy cream!) The bright side was Celina saved the day with her awesome mint-brownie pie!

 This week continues to be a few steps beyond hectic, though. Wednesday’s Doc appointment was a bust…Receptionist gave me the wrong date, the appointment is for NEXT Wednesday. Off for Thanksgiving, work all week end, pick up all the medical records Tuesday (when they’re also coming to install my new oven!), Wednesday back to Doc…it never STOPS! And this is all assuming I don’t “crash” before the end….

 Every time I think I’ve gotten things in perspective, it all “blows up” and the chaos begins again…or my various body parts go on strike…(Thank goodness there were plenty of chairs and counters to lean on Thursday!)

 But, in the middle of it all, I do remember to catch glimpses of the important things…the things that matter and make it all worth it…family! My crazy, wonderful hubby and kids…my brother…FAMILY! All the laughter that rolled around the room and bounced off the walls this past Thursday…it was beautiful! Even in the midst of the animal and people insanity…

 And speaking of animals, the kittens were in full “cute” mode. They spent the day climbing on people instead of curtains. The best part was, they chose the confirmed “Not-A-Cat-Person” people to climb on! It led to some fun “”blackmail” pictures…

 There was an incident of a kitten taking a brief “swim” in the leftover noodles…which were then fed to the dogs…so all the animals got to share in the meal. *grin*

 And the crazy pace continues…so now it’s off to shower and a run to the store for groceries…and, HOPEFULLY, a nap!

 (The picture of the handsome, napping guy covered in kittens is my AWESOME hubby! The other pic is my non-cat-loving Uncle being EXTREMELY tolerant.)

Quick Note

 I’ve only got a few minutes to write this morning, then it’s off to the Doc…again!

 This time I got a bit smarter. I’ve started a “journal” of sorts. (I even “pimped” it out, including lots of sparkles…LMAO!) In it I included my friggin’ appointments, phone numbers, should probably add a list of meds, and (most importantly) a list of questions for her! I figure this way I won’t get home and do the usual, “Damn! I forgot to ask!”

 I got another call from the Neuro yesterday telling me yet MORE test results…which begs the question why did they call last week and tell me ALL the results were in? Also, when the Records Department called, they informed me they don’t get copies of the MRI’s, I’ll have to call the Imaging Place for that. So…how do you make a definitive diagnosis without seeing the films?

 These are but a few of the MANY questions I’ve already jotted down.

 I will say, the Neuro’s nurse got a good laugh when she asked me if I’d ever had “balance therapy”. My replay was, “I thought that’s what walls and chairs were for.” Cracked her up pretty good!

 I’ve written a dear friend of mine who suffers from chronic depression and asked him to write about how he lives life on his terms despite his illness. I’m hoping he says yes and I can get it posted on here. After all, he fights as hard, if not harder, than anyone I know!

 OK…time for a shower….

Life On my Terms

 If you’ve been here before, I’m betting you noticed I changed the name.

 Yes, Life is a dance…every day, every moment…whether you know the steps or make it up as you go. Whether your life resembles a carefully choreographed ballet or a chaotic mosh pit, we all dance to one tune or another. But…the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am not that “sweet” or “mellow” as the title implied. I am much more the type that dances around off-beat, out of step…to my own tune.

 The last few days I’ve been thinking long and hard about life. How I want to live it…what means the most to me…what I’m willing to accept. And I kept looking down at the tattoo on my wrist the reads “My Life My Way”.  And that pretty much summed it up…

 So, I changed it. And the whole thing may change again at some point! I’m a chick, I can change my mind without warning at any given point! (It’s what we do.)

 Last night, one of the guys I work with was the embodiment of living life on his terms. He’s an amputee (left leg) with multiple other problems, including a heart that’s refusing to play nice. So, what was he doing to break the tension of 12 hour days? Took his leg off and offered it to the maintenance guys to assist in fixing a machine! (“If it won’t “run” then maybe it just needs another leg!”) He was INSANE all night long! (In a totally good way!)

 I can’t take off my leg, (although if I could I’d switch them back and forth to limp on the other side for a while…) but I can CHOOSE to laugh more. I can CHOOSE to make life more fun. I can CHOOSE to live life on my terms…and that includes how I choose to “play” with Docs…

 Today, make a choice…do something fun, no matter what’s “cramping your style”. Make whatever it is part of your style! Limp, push or pull with flair!

 And LAUGH!!!

New Shoes and Glitches

 Great news! The Neuro’s office called Thursday with the test results…no MS! The weird/bad news…nerve damage from a compressed vertebrae. The WTF? News…they’re passing me off to a pain specialist.

 I’ve had a few days to process now, and I think I can put this all together without too much bitterness…LOL!

 I was floored by the fact they don’t even want to see me to discuss how to correct the problem. After all, wouldn’t you assume a Neurologist would be the best person to treat nerve damage? Nerve…Neuro…just a thought. Pain Specialist, on the other hand…help me manage my pain. So…is all this “collateral damage” permanent?  And that’s the simplest of the questions I have. There are about 20 more in order of progressive crankiness.

 But life moves along, it is what it is, and I’m over being “bent” about it for now. I may not be able to dance around the kitchen like I used to, I may require more “human slug” time, but I’m still me and I can do this with style! (If  not grace…)

 So….Thursday we were searching for flat, light weight shoes I was willing to be seen in public in. No slip-ons…tripping hazard. No thick soles or even micro-heels. That pretty much narrowed it down to a pair of guy’s canvas sneakers. So NOT my style…but they met the criteria and the price was right, so we bought them. What’s a chick to do if she wants to limp with flair? I “pimped” them out! Now my daughter wants a pair of her own…

 I found some awesome patches to add in some of my favorite colors. The heel of the right one says “strength” and the left one says “endurance”. Then, of course, the obligatory skulls and flowers (I even polka-dotted the laces)…I had a few left over to “personalize” my Kindle case. Too fun!

 I’m still working on a design to decorate the purple cane…although it has been named. (I’m a weird-o that has a bizarre need to name inanimate objects. What can I say?) Due to my overwhelming love of Tinkerbell (the original Tink with the seriously BAD attitude, not the new, nice Tink!) the cane has been dubbed Tinker-fell, the grounded pixie.

 Now, if I could just figure out a way to get around the “assisted-walking” ban at work, I’d be set!

 OK, that and figure out a “legal” way to combat this whole fatigue thing. Since my Doc said the Neuro had to decide about the Provigil…and the Neuro is apparently done with me, that’s no longer even an option. And I can’t even think about any of the energy shots with my irregular heart-beat…and I can’t imagine how bad the hand tremors would get with that. I’m already at the point where I drink my coffee with two hands…Whole new meaning to two-fisted drinker.

 But, for today, I’m awake, I’m alive, I’m laughing, and I can make butter without a churn…Today I choose to be happy. Today I choose to not focus on how many times I fall over, but on the things I’m doing before and after the falls. Today I refuse to be a collection of glitches…Today I’m a wild and crazy gal who just happens to have one heck of an odd walk…

Whiny Moment

 OK, so the “light” at the end of my tunnel got a bit farther away. Yesterday Doc said she couldn’t help with the Provigil, that it had to be the Neuro…

 Then, she picked the BEST time to try to “comfort” me…I was fighting tears, feeling completely helpless and hopeless at that moment when attempting to face down the fatigue. She looked at me and said she hoped the Neuro would have an “Ah-Ha!” moment, but she had a gut feeling that this was going to be the rest of my life.

 OK. In my head I already knew this. She’s convinced it’s MS, she sent me to the Neuro to confirm…not to debunk. But there’s a HUGE difference, especially when you’re already on the ropes, between “knowing” and hearing it spoken out loud.

 So, I spent the rest of the day planted firmly on the couch, doing (yet again) my best impersonation of a human slug…licking my wounds…wallowing in my own personal pity-party. No! It did not make me feel better! But, damn it, I did it anyway!

 She did change my script for Neurontin from two pills a day to a new time-release one-a-day capsule that’s supposed to have fewer/milder side effects. She’s hoping part of the fatigue is related to the med…As soon as the Pharmacy gets it in, we’ll give it a go and see what happens.

 I put the call in to get my test results, and am waiting to hear back on that one too…I HATE WAITING!!!!

 I’m trying desperately to find my happy thought to hold onto this morning. So far, I’m failing miserably. I’m three inch tall Alice trying to figure out how to reach the bottle to make me grow that’s high above me on the table…

 So, I’m giving myself about 30 minutes more to be sad, crappy, and pathetic, then I have to snap out of it, cheer-up, and do what I can to get on with this business of living. Period. End of discussion!

Medical-Mystery Dinner Club

 Testing is officially over! (For now…)

 Can I just say, sticking a seemingly-dull needle in a thigh and poking the muscle with it is NOT fun! You’d think with all the tattoos and piercings I have it would have been a walk in the park…not so much!

 Now we just wait for the Neuro to analyze all the data…(Did I mention I am NOT a patient woman?)

 On the up-side, my hubby took a vacation day yesterday to play chauffer and moral support, so I got to spend the entire day with him! That was awesome, even though it consisted of him sitting on the couch with me, since I lacked the energy for much else. It was still a “together” day.

 This morning I have an appointment with the Family Doc…I made the appointment intending to talk to her about Provigil…now I’m feeling rather embarrassed about it. I mean, I haven’t had a definitive diagnosis, so why am I going in to ask for an MS-related fatigue med? Maybe I’m anemic…maybe it’s my imagination…maybe, maybe, maybe…

 I wish I could talk to other people who have already been through this. I’m sure it’s completely normal to have these moments of doubt and confusion (especially confusion currently). I’m sure I’m not the first person to ever feel like this…

 All the e-mail groups, message boards, and chat pages I’ve found begin with the “Newly Diagnosed”. Nothing I’ve found seems to provide for or specifically target those of us going through the nerve-wracking insanity and fear of the diagnostic phase. All the books I’ve read gloss over the “what-if” and “possibly” period while the jury is still out.

 Someone should start a Support Group called “What the Heck is Wrong With me?” Imagine the response you’d get…You could have pot-luck dinners where people share their symptoms and finish it up with a lotto of sorts where all in attendance write their best guesses on a piece of paper and toss it in a basket. At the next meeting after the final diagnosis, you could pull a name from the correct guesses and that person wins movie passes or a free car wash! That way it would not only be therapeutic and informative but fun! (Remember that whole twisted sense of humor…)

 After all, there are plenty of groups that get together to “solve” crimes with mystery dinners. Why not medical-mystery dinner groups? The only thing would be no Wed-MD allowed…You have to do your own research, not plug it into a symptom-checker. Maybe I’ll run this one past my Doc today. After all, she has a very similar sense of humor…I think she’d LOVE the idea…

 On this off-color note, I’ll get off the computer and take my shower…ya gotta love early morning appointments…

Friends and Diamonds In The Ruff

 Yep…I failed to dodge the cold…LOL! I guess the family that sneezes and aches together…uses a lot of Kleenex and Dayquil!

 Today is the last scheduled day of “human lab rat”. Hopefully they’ll have a definitive answer SOON! Nerve conductivity and the muscle-zap tests…

 The temperature has dropped a bit, 58 instead of 60. But, aside from all the mud, it’s still looking like it’s going to be a beautiful day. (Probably filled with naps and cold meds…)

 Yesterday afternoon I ended up thinking long and hard about “support people” in my life. Who I could count on for what. I thought long about the different reactions people had to my glitches and malfunctions…and it was a little surprising and a tad disappointing.

 The people in my life seemed to fall primarily into four categories (if you leave my family out of the equation. They’re a class all their own.) The first group were the ones that will ask a question, but the response, if not a positive one, goes in one ear and out the other. No matter what’s going on, it’s never as bad as what’s happening or has happened to themselves…their spouse…their parent…But they’ve got LOTS of advice for the best drugs (because it did wonders for their spouse!), the best Doc (he worked miracles for their parent!) or the best web-site to get the right info from.

 The second group were the ones who know EXACTLY what’s wrong with you! It’s disease A…or maybe Syndrome B. “No, wait…have they performed Test X yet? Well, they should!” No matter which Doc says what, they’re WRONG. They know which meds (preferably herbal) you should take and exactly how the ones you’re on are destroying your body and serving no useful purpose (no matter how much you tell them they ARE helping).

 Group three is one of my personal favorites. These are the ones that begin looking on you with pity…when they’re unable to avoid you altogether! You’re no longer the loud, obnoxious jokester you were five minutes ago, you’re now the invalid who hasn’t realized they should be on bed-rest at death’s door! They begin talking to you in hushed tones (REALLY handy in a factory setting…) and offering advice on how to get yourself on Disability. They’re the ones who ask the questions like, “Should you really be doing that?”, “Shouldn’t you be home resting?” and “If it were me, I’d quit work and enjoy the time I have.” (They obviously have never seen a bill from a Neurologist!)

 This next group…well, I saved the best for last! These are the people I considered “casual acquaintances” before all “this”. They are the people who, under normal circumstances, I never would have discussed my health with but something in their eyes made me open up without thinking it through. And they turned out to be the most human of them all!

 Yes, they know what I’m going through, but they only ask how I’m doing when I miss a few days in a row or am looking especially crappy. There’s no pity or sign of discomfort when they ask, only concern. When we talk, which has tended to be more frequently than before, we rarely talk about “health” issues. They don’t treat me any differently. (One of these new gems stood back a few days ago and watched me clumsily climb up the side of a machine to repair a loader…and never said a word! However, I did see she was quietly holding her hands to catch me in case my feet crapped out.)

 These are the people who don’t get uncomfortable when I make BAD jokes about my glitches…they laugh with me…and occasionally make their own. They also seem to enjoy the occasional game of “what the hell is the word” charades. These have turned out to be the people I realized were the type of people I would like to be friends with outside of the work place…the type of people I would like to be.

 I guess if one good thing has come out of all this “crap” that would have to be it…I’ve realized that there are different “classes” of friends…different comfort levels within those groups of friends. Yes, I can still be friends with the first two groups…I just do the best I can to avoid any and all discussions of health, unless they’re talking about theirs. If I’m having an “off” day and one of them calls, I feel absolutely NO guilt in letting it go to voicemail. Yes, it’s a little sad that some I considered “close” have, for the time being, been somewhat demoted to a more “casual” status. But my hubby has helped me realize that taking care of myself, even emotionally and mentally, is more important that sitting through a half hour phone conversation where I feel like the Docs I trust and my own opinions are devalued and down-played.

 And for those of you wondering why I didn’t discuss my family’s "group" in this…that is an entire morning’s writing all its own! The reality is my hubby is my best friend…he was my closest, most trusted friend before we started dating and that (Thank the Gods!) never changed! He is my rock, my strength, and my voice of common sense (since I have none of my own). My kids have been awesome! The demented sense of humor my family shares is some of the best therapy I could think of. We talk about things I think, I’ve read, or the Docs have said. They know when I’m getting a little “weird” and someone (usually Forrest) will crack a bizarre joke…and the tension breaks and I can laugh and remember how friggin’ lucky I am!

 I could tell you getting “sick” had opened my eyes to how blessed I am to have a family like mine. But the truth is, I’ve always known how blessed I was in that area of my life! (Even when Aidan brings ANOTHER nasty virus home to share...)

*pictures: "Sir Mystery" and "Princess Buttercup" A couple of my diamonds...

Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!

 Another morning of 60 degree weather!

 I survived last night only to return home and find a friend we hadn’t seen in several weeks had stopped by. (He didn’t even mind the chronically messy house!) On one hand, it would have been awesome to go right to sleep…but it was nice to talk and laugh for a while. Life is good!

 There’s a nasty cold making its rounds here…even a few of the cats are coughing. Keeping my fingers crossed I can dodge this one!

 I’m not sure what to write about this morning…only that I have the urge to write. Perhaps it passes the time. Maybe it distracts me from the ever-present laundry. Then again, maybe it simply puts everything in perspective for me.

 I always start out on one topic, then after repeated deleting end up on something completely different! Why? After starting a line of thought, I end up realizing it’s more or less whining and complaining about a laundry-list of aches and pains…and I don’t EVER want my life to devolve to nothing more than my body. It may be where I “live” but it is NOT all that I am!

 I looked around last night and realized how blessed I am. I felt like I’d run a marathon and followed it up by swimming a mile through wet cement, but I was smiling and laughing with other people who were just as “miserable” to be at work. (My department is currently on 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week…for the third week in a row!) There were varying stages of bitterness and depression as well as their own aches and pains…but most of us were joking and doing what we could to “enjoy” work as much as anyone can.

 And I had the realization that it’s all about perspective. And maybe it’s a bit odd that from my perspective, the people I felt the most sorry for were not the tired and achy people…but the bitter ones. Let’s face it, sleep and hot baths can help tired and achy. Various meds can help with most of the physical crap many of them (including myself) were going through. But, to my knowledge, they have yet to find a cure for bitterness!

  If you can’t look at life and smile or laugh, you’re screwed…and kinda boring to be around…If your existence is devoid of joy, then you’re not living…you’re just existing. And THAT is one deep, dark hole I NEVER want to fall through!

 So, this morning while I sit here and chug down my coffee…surrounded by a herd of house-wrecking kittens (who are trying their best to tap-dance on my keyboard), I know with absolute certainty that I am lucky, blessed, and no matter what, as long as my sense of humor is intact I’ll be just fine!

Flying With a Goose and Goals

 Today is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!

 The sky may be the soft gray of a kitten and filled with rain-promising clouds, but there’s a sweet wind blowing from the west and the temperature is an amazing 60 degrees right now! I wish all the leaves hadn’t already been raked over the hillside. Today would be a perfect time to go out and jump in a leaf-pile!

 It was pretty neat, though. As I came around the corner of the house, following a fat-bottomed goose, the wind picked up and caught us off guard. The goose threw her head back in a beautiful arch and spread her wings wide, catching the wind. She ran across the yard straight into the wind, flapping for all she was worth while jumping in a vain attempt to take flight. It was such a joy-filled sight that I flung my arms wide, threw my head back and limped after her, laughing like a moron! It was so freeing…right up until the wind blew a cloud of dust into my open mouth and eyes…Coughing, eye-rubbing, and a bit of cussing ended my attempt to be a goose.

 Yesterday Nick bought me a cane for home use. It’s a soft, purple color. (I think some hot-pink duct tape racing stripes or flames may be in its future.) We’re hoping saving a bit of the leg at home will help push it a little further at work. I still feel like a Drama Queen using it though…like I’m just not trying hard enough…But, maybe I’m allowed to be a Drama Queen every once in a great while?

 I’ve been doing my research…again…It reminds me of a song I heard a while back, “Is It Peace or Is It Prozac” by Cheryl Wheeler. (It seriously cracks me up!) Although, in my case, the title would be “Is It MS or Is It Coincidence”.  I know, I know! That’s what all the tests are for…I’m just a rather impatient person…And Tuesday seems so far away this morning…

 That, and I feel like if I give IT a name, it’ll be easier to kick it in the teeth…so to speak…

 I looked at several Groups on-line this morning, before the Sun rose and it was time to let the birds out. I almost joined a few, but having not been officially diagnosed, I didn’t feel right about it. Like I don’t really  “belong”. Oddly enough, I couldn’t find a “group” for “It’s possibly MS, but we need to run more tests.”

LIMBO! It’s not just a dance with a stick…Wait! That really does work…I’m using a stick (cane) and I do frequent “back bends” (the back-and-forth wobble when you lose your balance…again!) Cool! Today’s dance is officially The Limbo.

 OK…so I think I set a “Goal-For-The-Day” yesterday…which I failed to accomplish… (getting off the couch and doing something productive). Actually, I had lunch with my Aunt and Uncle, did a load or two of laundry, and did dishes. I guess that qualifies as productive after all! So, my goal today is NOT to focus on the aches, pains, and “oops!” moments. I’ll laugh with my family, go to work and do my best not to walk into anything too painful, and enjoy the fact that Life is a beautiful place to be!

 Perhaps that would be a good idea…setting a daily “goal” for myself. Whether it is as simple as remembering to be thankful for the fact that there are meds that dull the pain enough to function, or remembering to hug my sweet hubby a little extra, or even to laugh at myself instead of getting angry the tenth time I drop something…Something…ANYTHING to break the loop our minds all end up in occasionally…a daily reminder that Life is sweet, regardless of the now-and-then difficulties we experience…

 And to remember how lucky I am! After all, how many people get the chance to “fly” with a goose on a warm, windy November morning?