It’s 6:00 Am and I’ve been up since close to 3:30…
There’s a soft rain falling outside and the temp has climbed to almost 60 degrees! Since the hubby’s fast asleep and not around to fuss at me, I’ve opened the front door to better hear the gentle patter. The air slipping in is cool and sweet, laced with the last scent of autumn leaves.
What a perfect time to be sitting here writing! The house is silent…the animals are all sleeping…it’s just me and my groggy morning thoughts…
Last night I turned in my notice. It was truly bittersweet. Even though it was the right thing to do, both for my family and my current health, I still am a little sad. If you remove the upper-management induced insanity, I really do love my job! I usually end the day with a sense of accomplishment…the knowledge that I made some sort of difference. No, not a “difference” that matters in the grand scheme of things like a “Mother Theresa” difference, but a tiny one in the way the machines ran…or the attitude of a few people stuck in an at-times-crappy job. I worked hard and made others smile.
But there are other differences I can make…FINALLY having the time to chauffer the two youngest kids to their GED classes and Driver’s Ed. Helping them get the final tools they need to assert their independence and step out of the protective shadows of home into the bright light of the rest of their lives.
I can take the time I need to get my body healthy and functioning the best it can. (Which will include quitting the smoking habit!) If it requires surgery, then I’ll have time to recover without worrying about job-related deadlines. If it’s physical therapy, then I won’t have to weigh the cost of allowing things to heal naturally against compromising my performance at work.
I’ll have time to devote to long neglected friendships. I can return to a regular schedule with our religious group, which are more “family” than “friends”. I know my inability to spend enough time on that part of my life has left a gaping hole…a very sad gaping hole! And, I promise, that is one of the first things I intend to heal!
And writing…I will no longer need to weigh the pros and cons of taking the time to write and what I have to let slide do to the time constraints of a 2nd shift schedule! And “writing” includes the long ago promised favor of editing one of my daughter’s books! (She is such a talented writer!)
Speaking of writing, I’ve been giving that topic quite a bit of thought lately…Why do I write? What do I want to write? Am I writing because I want people to love me? Am I doing it for an “ego boost”? Am I some sort of weird exhibitionist? Do I want fame and fortune? Or do I truly want to make a difference in the world in some tiny little way?
Almost four years ago I lost my Mother to cancer. Despite urging from multiple family members, she and my Father trustingly accepted the word of her Docs as law…as the complete answer. Towards the end, she questioned whether she should have gotten another opinion, but by then the question was a moot point.
I’ve spoken to countless individuals who had similar experiences with less terminal illnesses. They have always been taught that Docs know, without question, what is wrong with us. Even if we fail to feel better with their treatment, then the problem is with “us” and not their diagnosis. Never mind the fact that we’ve lived inside our bodies our entire lives…they know them better than we do. (Or so they believe!)
Perhaps it’s because I’ve always questioned everything (especially authority) but I refuse to swallow every pill or take every shot just because someone who has seen me for exactly five minutes tells me to. I know my body, and if I tell you something is definitely wrong, it’s NOT because I want your attention or your drugs. I NEED your help and expertise to assist me in becoming well. Then, if something can’t be “fixed” I need you to use your knowledge to work WITH me in finding a way to work around it.
I would love to use the writings of others and myself to inspire and encourage people to take control of their health care…to move into the driver’s seat and stop being casual observers. Maybe that’s a lofty goal…maybe it sounds a bit ego-centric…but there’s already an ego involved somewhere to believe anyone would want to read what I’m writing anyway…*grin*
And, honestly…that is the whole reason I started this blog. Not to say, “Look at me!” Not hoping to receive adoring e-mails from die-hard fans…but to let people know they have choices in the ways they choose to live their lives, both in sickness and in health.
|My Mother, my daughter, and me at one of my Mom's MANY "partys" before she passed away.|
They have the ability…the power…to live their lives their way.