The Magic of the Moment

 Happy December 25^th everyone! Whether you celebrate Christmas, Kwanza, Chanukah, Winter Solstice, or Yule (like me)…May your days be merry and bright and may you and yours be filled with the Joy of the Season!

 Thanks to the joys of steroids, my eyes are wide open…still…even though my brain ducked out for a nap a while ago. I’ve been waiting here with a cup of coffee, hoping to hang with Santa a bit before the kids get up, but I guess he showed up during one of the MANY bathroom breaks. Oh well, maybe next year…

 Honestly, I was sitting here drinking said cup ‘o and eating a breakfast bar, when I suddenly realized that this was the first year no one asked about leaving cookies and milk (or my youngest sons’ option of beer and chips) for Santa. And it seemed like some sort of odd milestone.

 Yes, I know they are WAY beyond believing in Santa Clause, with the “baby” being 17, but the last seven years or so were more for me than them anyway. And it was so cool to see them humor me with my random delusions that they’re forever five!

 No…this year everyone (almost everyone) went to bed early because they were tired, not out of fear of keeping Santa at bay. They cracked jokes about “naughty or nice” out of concern for Mom and Dad’s judgment, not out of worry about which list they were on. Even my Daughter, the last “hold out” for Santa, hasn’t mentioned him once this year…*sigh*

 But that’s the way it’s supposed to work. It just took a tiny bit of the magic out of it for me…removed the “twinkle” from “Cringle”…(Sorry! Had to say it!) Although, there was a new magic for me this year…the magic of hearing that Forrest (my 2^nd oldest) had arrived! The sparkle of hearing how his last few weeks have gone and being able to issue my very own “Mother’s threats” about what I’ll do to his skinny behind if he doesn’t come over tomorrow for gifts and dinner. Another milestone…

Forrest made it home for the Holiday!

  So, as I sit here waiting…no longer for Santa to show, but for the Sun to rise and officially start the day, I’m groggily smiling to myself. The kids aren’t “kids” anymore, no one expects Santa to pop in for a midnight snack, and Nick and I filled the stockings hours ago. We’ve still got a few years to go before we’ll start the harassment about when are they gonna settle down and give us grandbabies, so the only thing left for the here and now is to HAVE FUN and enjoy the pure magic of the moment! (And get another cup of coffee…)

 HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ONE AND ALL AND MAY THEY BE FILLED WITH THE MAGIC OF LAUGHTER AND LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Magic in the Music

 I REALLY don’t have time to write this morning, but I’m having one of those moments where I HAVE to write…

 My feet hit the ground running on three hours of sleep…and headed straight for iTunes. Quite by accident I tripped across a holiday album peppered with classical music and a long-dormant part of my musical-junkie brain was tickled into consciousness. And, just like that, I was 16 again…half awake, half in a trance…lost in the shadow and light on the page of sheet music on the stand before me...rhythmically rocking ever-so-slightly in time to the bow strokes, barely aware of the Conductor’s baton guiding us on to the inevitable finish…

 One of my “dirty little secrets” I tend to keep closely guarded is the fact that in High School I was one step lower on the “food chain” than the “Band Geeks”…I was an “Orchestra Nerd.” For years I played Upright String Bass in both the school and town Orchestras. AND I LOVED IT!!!!!

 My all-time fave style? Baroque. (If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it! How’s THAT for nerd humor?) It always seemed such an odd love for a girl who considered herself the epitome of “free spirit” since it tends to be one of the most structured types of music in existence.

  And how wonderful that so many have redone the classics as Holiday tunes! “Cannon In D,” “Air On The G String,” and of course “Jesu, Joy Of Man’s Desiring.” I began surfing and found them played on every conceivable instrument in every imaginable genrea. It was astounding! At first I was a tad bit incensed, being a purist about this sort of thing…then I realized that it was pretty darned cool that, no matter your tastes or instrument of passion, you could enjoy something so beautiful in your own way.

 So, here I sit, this fine, chilly morning…head back, eyes closed, goose bumps chasing up and down my arms. (I might have even teared up a time or two, but I’ll blame it on sleep deprivation.) I know this is my own, personal Ghost-of-Christmas-Past taking me for a stroll down Memory Lane…and I can’t thank him enough for it!

 After all, have you ever noticed how close in spelling “music” and “magic” are? I think, amid all the last-minute barely controlled chaos, I finally found my moment of peace…Thank you Mr. Bach!

  Wherever you’re at and whatever you’re listening to, may this Christmas Eve-Eve find you in your own moment of Yuletide Cheer!

The "Band Geeks" had nothin' on us "Orchestra Nerds"!

Twelth Night Promises

 Lately I’ve gotten in the habit of “cruising” the  ChronicBabe web site (right after checking Facebook and before figuring out if I have enough time to write). I’m thinking about actually submitting a post to their Blog Carnival, which this week happens to be about New Year’s resolutions…so here goes nothing!

 I always figured New Year’s Resolutions were something grown-ups did after a few too many “eggnogs”. (Especially since I never noticed anyone giving much thought to them after January 7th.) Then I did a bit of research and found the concept actually originated with the Norse and their tradition of swearing Sacred Oaths of the flaming Yule Wreath on 12^th Night. Suddenly, it didn’t seem such a drunken waste of time.

 So, what “resolution” will I make this year as the clock strikes twelve? The only one I’ve been making for the last several months, of course! I resolve to make my Life a healthier, happier place to be!

 To begin with, all the things that have been put on hold over the past year while hubby and I were in-and-out of various and sundry Doc’s offices will be taken care of. My two youngest homeschooled kids have been waiting oh so patiently for Mommy to find the time to shuttle them back-and-forth to both GED and Driver’s Ed classes. That is one of my top priorities…to give them the tools they need to get on with the act of living their own lives!

 Next up, tomorrow will be my last night at the “Unmentionable Place of Employment” which will afford me the time needed to get myself healthy. “Whatever” is putting the “cramp in my style,” whether it’s MS, Vertebral Compression, or the Parkinson’s I’ve heard mentioned a few times, I will need TIME for my body to work on healing itself as much as it can while the Docs figure out both what’s causing it and how they can fix it.

 Last, but definitely NOT least, I will spend more QUALITY time with my hubby! This amazing man has chauffeured me across half the State time and again, all while keeping his composure and occasionally “talking me down” on our never ending search for answers. (At least, sometimes it seems like it!) He’s been supportive, accepting, encouraging, and even rubs my feet! (What more could a woman ever want?)

 So, I guess what these things all add up to is TIME…how much I’ve let slip past while focused on other, “more important” things. How many moments have been lost while I was worrying or fuming over the things I couldn’t change…answers I wasn’t getting when I wanted them.

 Yes, this New Year’s Eve, when I gather with my friends and family to place our hands on the Yule Wreath (before it's "flaming") and make our 12^th Night Oaths, Mine will be to give those I love, including myself, the time we each need and deserve!

• 

A Twelth Night celebration with Friends and Family

Another Trip On The Merry-Go-Round

 HOLY COW! I think I lost three days…

 This week has been a whirl-wind of ups-and-downs, a bit of insanity, and more sleep hours than I know how to log. I’m not sure where I left off. So, we’ll start with Monday…

 Monday was the much-anticipated visit to the Ortho. This man was going to hand me the answer to all my questions! A snip here, a cut there, voila! All better and life goes on…Instead I came out in tears. (Yes, I’m completely human and occasionally cry!)

 After a round of x-rays and three people asking me the SAME 20 questions over and over and over…he came back in the room and told me the ONLY thing my compression would account for was pain in my left arm and two fingers on my left hand. It would not cause any of my other symptoms. His exact words were, “Whatever is causing this is not what we do. Sorry we couldn’t help you.” And just like that, I’m back to square one!

 So…I sat in their tiny room and cried for a few minutes before we were on our way, another medical bill in debt with fewer answers than we thought we already had.

 Later that night at work, my body decided it was a good time to shut down. I thought I might have been dehydrated…you know, too much caffeine trying to keep me moving while I finished recovering from last weeks’ virus…So, chugged some Gatorade, early to bed…where I alternated between waking in a complete pool of sweat and waking up shivering from head-to-toe. 6:00 AM saw the pain in my head morphing into a migraine, so took the meds for that…and down the rabbit hole AGAIN! When I came-to at 9:00, called Doc and was told my best shot at being seen was Prompt Med, so off we went.

 Sinus Infection and Bronchitis…three more meds to add to the medicine cabinet for the next week. I swear, I’ve no room for food since I’m full of pills! I’ve slept 20 of the last 24 hours, and this morning I feel marginally better, though weak as a newborn kitten! (And, of course, I missed work…AGAIN!)

 I’ve spent my few conscious hours wondering what went wrong? My beloved Doc, Brenda swears this neck thing could have caused EVERYTHING! My co-worker tells me he had almost identical problems before his surgery with the same compression. I’ve had two Neuros tell me it’s not MS, and one Ortho tell me it’s not the compression. The Prompt Med guy told me I needed another Neuro’s opinion, because it sounded like MS to him and you can’t rely on MRI’s to diagnose it…

 Nick thinks I was too honest with the Ortho, and I need another Ortho's opinion. (What “event” triggered your current problems? The only thing out of the ordinary was an over-adjustment by a Chiro…) He thinks the guy was worried I was looking to sue and didn’t want to get involved…

 So, now that I’m back in the “Land of the Living” I keep asking myself one simple question…How do you maintain “hope” when you feel like you keep getting “pumped up” just to crash back down…over and over again? How does a person stay optimistic when there are only so many ups-and-downs anyone should have to deal with, unless they’re on a merry-go-round? If everything happens for a reason, what the heck am I supposed to learn from all this? (Please, do not say patience…I’m thinking 41 is too late for that one!)

 How do you keep from being a tad bit bitter when you asked for a referral to the Med Center for this very reason (if it’s not this guys’ specialty, then it would belong to the guy down the hall) and I was referred instead to Ortho**** (don’t want to slam their practice…) where it doesn’t fall in their realm of specialty, so there’s the door…

I keep telling myself life is funny that way…if it doesn’t kill me it makes me stronger…it’s always darkest before the dawn…and a lot of other similar sayings meant to bolster a person up in the face of adversity. But the truth is, currently I’m just plain mad! I can wrap it jokes. I can couch it in tongue-in-cheek innuendos. But I AM MAD! And I believe I have every right to be! It is completely understandable and allowed every great once in a while.

 When Life treats you like a tennis ball, you can either yell, “Love!” (I know, dorky tennis joke I read on a bumper sticker somewhere…) Or, you can wonder if a tennis ball ever decides it’s “over it” and refuses to bounce.

 Personally, I’ll end up putting a song on repeat (“Merry-Go-Round” by Antje Duvekot) and spending the morning getting lost in the words and up-beat tune. I’ll probably mock the “unrealistic” optimism of the lyrics for a while before I finally give in and smile, knowing she’s right and Life, in all its unforeseen twists and turns is indeed like that. Then…I’ll take a deep breath and figure out my next move, i.e. whose 2^nd (or 3^rd) opinion do I seek now? Because, after all, it’s MY life and if I’m not willing to fight for the quality of it, who is?

Endings and Beginnings

 It’s 6:00 Am and I’ve been up since close to 3:30…

 There’s a soft rain falling outside and the temp has climbed to almost 60 degrees! Since the hubby’s fast asleep and not around to fuss at me, I’ve opened the front door to better hear the gentle patter. The air slipping in is cool and sweet, laced with the last scent of autumn leaves.

 What a perfect time to be sitting here writing! The house is silent…the animals are all sleeping…it’s just me and my groggy morning thoughts…

 Last night I turned in my notice. It was truly bittersweet. Even though it was the right thing to do, both for my family and my current health, I still am a little sad. If you remove the upper-management induced insanity, I really do love my job! I usually end the day with a sense of accomplishment…the knowledge that I made some sort of difference. No, not a “difference” that matters in the grand scheme of things like a “Mother Theresa” difference, but a tiny one in the way the machines ran…or the attitude of a few people stuck in an at-times-crappy job. I worked hard and made others smile.

 But there are other differences I can make…FINALLY having the time to chauffer the two youngest kids to their GED classes and Driver’s Ed. Helping them get the final tools they need to assert their independence and step out of the protective shadows of home into the bright light of the rest of their lives.

 I can take the time I need to get my body healthy and functioning the best it can. (Which will include quitting the smoking habit!) If it requires surgery, then I’ll have time to recover without worrying about job-related deadlines. If it’s physical therapy, then I won’t have to weigh the cost of allowing things to heal naturally against compromising my performance at work.

 I’ll have time to devote to long neglected friendships. I can return to a regular schedule with our religious group, which are more “family” than “friends”. I know my inability to spend enough time on that part of my life has left a gaping hole…a very sad gaping hole! And, I promise, that is one of the first things I intend to heal!

 And writing…I will no longer need to weigh the pros and cons of taking the time to write and what I have to let slide do to the time constraints of a 2^nd shift schedule! And “writing” includes the long ago promised favor of editing one of my daughter’s books! (She is such a talented writer!)

 Speaking of writing, I’ve been giving that topic quite a bit of thought lately…Why do I write? What do I want to write? Am I writing because I want people to love me? Am I doing it for an “ego boost”? Am I some sort of weird exhibitionist? Do I want fame and fortune? Or do I truly want to make a difference in the world in some tiny little way?

 Almost four years ago I lost my Mother to cancer. Despite urging from multiple family members, she and my Father trustingly accepted the word of her Docs as law…as the complete answer. Towards the end, she questioned whether she should have gotten another opinion, but by then the question was a moot point.

 I’ve spoken to countless individuals who had similar experiences with less terminal illnesses. They have always been taught that Docs know, without question, what is wrong with us. Even if we fail to feel better with their treatment, then the problem is with “us” and not their diagnosis. Never mind the fact that we’ve lived inside our bodies our entire lives…they know them better than we do. (Or so they believe!)

 Perhaps it’s because I’ve always questioned everything (especially authority) but I refuse to swallow every pill or take every shot just because someone who has seen me for exactly five minutes tells me to. I know my body, and if I tell you something is definitely wrong, it’s NOT because I want your attention or your drugs. I NEED your help and expertise to assist me in becoming well. Then, if something can’t be “fixed” I need you to use your knowledge to work WITH me in finding a way to work around it.

 I would love to use the writings of others and myself to inspire and encourage people to take control of their health care…to move into the driver’s seat and stop being casual observers. Maybe that’s a lofty goal…maybe it sounds a bit ego-centric…but there’s already an ego involved somewhere to believe anyone would want to read what I’m writing anyway…*grin*



My Mother, my daughter, and me at one of my Mom's MANY "partys" before she passed away.

  And, honestly…that is the whole reason I started this blog. Not to say, “Look at me!” Not hoping to receive adoring e-mails from die-hard fans…but to let people know they have choices in the ways they choose to live their lives, both in sickness and in health.

 They have the ability…the power…to live their lives their way.

The Return of the House-Mouse

 It’s a silent, peaceful morning right now. The muted pinks and yellows of the soon-to-come sunrise are just beginning to show through the tree line. In a few minutes I’ll be outside, freezing my unmentionables off, but for now I’m warm and cozy at the table with my trusty friend Morning Coffee by my side.

 The last few days have been a blurr…but today will be a little different. Today I will have to start overcoming my some-what inflated ego when it comes to work…maybe…

 Nick and I had a long talk yesterday. We decided December 23 will be my last day at work. In my current physical state, it’s gotten to be too much! I can manage to muster enough strength to get through an eight hour shift, but nothing is left for home-life. Besides, I’m working to support a “way of life” that revolves around our two youngest going stir-crazy and me spending two full days a week on the couch…not much of a way of life...

 I am both excited and terrified! I LOVE my job! I ENJOY my job! I’m GOOD at my job! I just hate the politics and extraneous bs…And the toll it takes is too high right now. Not just on me, but on the kids and hubby as well…

 OK…I’m done justifying it to myself now…Yes, a LARGE part of myself is feeling extremely guilty…the 2^nd income is nice for easing the stress of “sole bread winner” off hubby. And the satisfaction of being able to make a machine do what I want it too is AWESOME! And…I’m feeling a bit like a quitter…

 …But my words from a few nights ago are ringing in my ears…”Company X doesn’t care about you, only about the bottom line. You have to take care of yourself…”

 So today I’ll start training my replacement. (An inferior specimen, I might add! *grin*) And do the best I can to laugh, joke and have fun while I’m doing it. The “new guy” really needs to see there are other ways to motivate people besides yelling and threatening their jobs…he needs to see helping is far better than intimidating…I guess we’ll see!

 So, off I go to shower, thaw out, and get the day under way…and do my best to shut my brain up!

House-Party In My Body

I have never been much of a morning person, but lately they’ve been growing on me. That brief period of time between the day’s first cup of coffee and when the rest of the house begins rolling out of bed for the day…it has become “my” time.

After the cats and dogs are fed and the first cup of “black lovely” in poured, the earbuds go in with their blissfully mellow acoustic. Then the netbook comes out and I have time to collect my thoughts and sort through the scattered nuttiness of the previous day, either “filing” the thoughts and memories away or tossing them in the “recycle bin” to be discarded to make room for better…

I have time to write, read or simply catch-up on e-mail. I have time and space to think. I have time to gain access to the bathroom without one of four others knocking on the door! (My 2^nd oldest moved to his own apartment the 1^st of this month. I think he was tired of sharing a bathroom too…)

Right now, the sky is still dark and the hot coffee is hitting my system like a long lost friend! And I’m sorting through the absolute insane melee of last night! I think I learned a very valuable lesson…my brain does NOT function well under the duress of pain! It was so “over the top” last night that I missed 1^st break…and a pain pill. Before my lunch break, my brain had basically shut down all higher functions, devoting all of its energy instead to suppressing a low moan and profuse cursing! I’m not sure I could have added two and two and come to the conclusion they equaled four!  

I have been doing the best I could to avoid taking the hydrocodone; either due to fear of addiction or the belief I was being a “whimp” about the pain. I think I finally have made peace with the fact that pain is a bigger problem than I thought it was. It has become this giant, hairy monster that if left to its own devices will invite its friends “Fatigue” and “Brain Fog” over for an all-out, house-trashing party in my body!

So…after my personal “Guard” Mr. Vicotin had hit the scene and forcibly evicted the “party animals”, I did what I always do…gather info. I tracked down Brian (the guy who’s been through this before) and asked him about the pain/brain fog connection. He told me before his operation there were times he couldn’t remember his own name…He said when it hurt the worst, his brain simply would shut down until he got meds in his system to stop the agony.

Of course, me being me, this got me to thinking about how I HATE the fact that our society has developed a certain stigma concerning the use of painkillers…FOR PAIN! I cannot count the number of t-shirts and bumper-stickers touting the “positive” attributes of experiencing pain. (“Pain is just weakness leaving the body!” “Pain is for the weak!”) Until recently, my hubby was fond of telling me, “Pain doesn’t hurt!” (In reference to his refusal to take anything for the knee he destroyed in High School wrestling.) Then you add to the mix all the “tabloid-trash” news about various celebrities and their pain-killer addictions. Even Doctors seem to think you’re looking for a “quick high” if you ask for something for the pain. My Pharmacist still rolls her eyes every time I refill my script!

Well people, I’m here to tell you pain DOES hurt! It is NOT weakness leaving my body…otherwise I’d be made of flippin’ steel by this point! And one fact lost on most people who don’t live with chronic pain is that pain releases a certain set of chemicals in your brain, altering the way it works (brain fog) and prescription painkillers act on this “soup”. If you’re actually in pain, THERE IS NO HIGH!!! You CAN’T use it recreationally! All it does is dull the pain…not even kill it…just dull it!

OK…I’ll climb down off my soapbox now. *grin*

So…I guess all I’ve been trying to say is, I have finally come to my own personal conclusion that tis better to take the darned pill and be able to function than to worry about whether or not my Pharmacist thinks I’m “partying” or if I’m going to turn into any one of many celebs attempting to numb myself to emotional pain…

Those of us living with daily, life altering physical pain know the truth about how much strength it actually takes…so put that on a bumper-sticker!

Hormones For The Holidays

 This morning my internal thermostat has gone completely haywire!!! 38 degrees outside and it feels AWESOME! 68 degrees in the house…I’m sweltering! (I’ve already checked and I’m not running a fever. What the heck?) Maybe it's the hormones...No! Thay are NOT "hot flashes"...I prefer the term "power surges". Sounds so much kinder...

 I finished “Trippin’ Pixie” yesterday, read quite a bit of the new book, and refused to move off the couch. The worst part is, I feel worse this morning than I did yesterday…like I’ve been beaten with a brick bat!

 This happened last week too…one day of “rest” left me feeling twice as bad. Two days in a row, I felt like a new woman! So, now I’m torn between calling in this morning or toughing it out. Besides, what the heck is my Super thinking? Tuesday and Thursday off? It’s like he thinks the world will end if I’m gone two days in a row…On my SERIOUSLY “cranky” days (like today) I almost wish he could step inside my skin for a day or two so he could understand what the heck I’m pushing through in the name of a paycheck…

 I suppose I could go BACK to the Doc and ask for a note explaining I need two CONSECUTIVE days off to recoup…think it’d work? *grin*

 Of course, it’s hard to be cranky for long…sitting at the table in a currently quiet house, two purring kittens curled up on my lap, acoustic Holiday tunes playing in my earbuds…Now, if the geese would just stay in the yard (and my right eye would focus)….

 This up-coming week-end should be when we get our tree and all the decorations go up. However, I’m not sure how that’s going to work. This year we have seven three-month-old kittens in the house, as well as two almost-grown “dump-ees” that have never encountered a Yule Tree before. (I’m thinking the breakable ornaments are staying in the box this year.) Hubby has suggested we “anchor” the tree to the wall…may not be a bad idea! Secretly…it’ll be a hoot to watch them…

 So, my goal for today is to actually shower, dress, and make it to town to drop the MRI CD’s off at the Doc’s office so they can get copies to the Ortho before the 19^th.

I guess I should get up and attempt to make it a reality…

Trippin' Pixie

 This morning is not just cold, it’s COLD! After raining all day yesterday (my youngest son’s 17^th Birthday!), it turned frigid overnight. I’ll be lucky if I can find a thawed-out hose for morning bird work…

 Meanwhile…my body is on strike again…I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to remain upright through the second half of my shift last night…SO HAPPY I’m off today! I solemnly swear to lay on the couch under a blankie and do my best impression of a human slug…ALL day! After all, I’ve got a new book on the Kindle and see no reason I shouldn’t spend the entire day reading it…

 Meanwhile, since my last entry, I found another person to add to the “My Heroes” list. Sandy, another woman I work with, noticed my bright orange bracelet and asked me what it was. When I told her it was an MS Awareness bracelet, she told me her son has MS. He has one of the rarer forms that progresses rapidly and without mercy. At diagnosis the Docs told him he had two years to live and he should plan on spending most of it blind and in a wheelchair. She said that was four years ago!

 Her son has sold his Harley, since he can no longer ride, and he’s selling his pick-up because he can’t get in it without assistance, but he’s still alive and walking! And, as of right now, hasn’t completely lost his eyesight.  I took her one of the extra bracelets I had (they came in a 10-pack).

 The thing that struck me about her story was she wasn’t feeling sorry for his situation. She spoke with pride and hope! She was proud of him for not accepting the diagnosis, but for fighting to continue to be the man he had always been. He may have made a few concessions with selling his bike and truck, but he was still refusing to buy a wheelchair.

 The human spirit is, as always, inspiring! Back-and-forth was may go…up and down…but we keep going. Pushing…(some days a little too hard…) And we LIVE!

 On a more obscure note, I’m currently in the process of re-working a caricature I did last year, dubbed “Punk Rock Pixie”.

 I’ve always had a thing for Tinkerbelle…after all, she’s a diminutive blonde (my natural hair color) with a set of hips on her (remember the “keyhole” incident?) and a SERIOUS attitude! What’s not to like? Then, a few years back when my Mother was ill, my Father began calling me “Pixie”…me being the smallest in the family (almost a full foot shorter than him or my brother). Shortly after, I stumbled across a Tink t-shirt that said, “Pixies Rock!” and the weird borderline obsession began!

 I ended up re-working a picture of Tink to reflect my “look”, slapped it on a sweatshirt, and voila! Punk Rock Pixie was born.

 These days, however, I’ve “changed” a bit…My heeled combat-style boots have given way to flat, lightweight tennis shoes to better accommodate feet that won’t fully cooperate. My cut-off cargo shorts have been replaced with jeans and pajama pants. I still live in tank-tops, but since I lost all the weight I’ve been perpetually cold…so now the tanks are frequently covered with over-sized hoodies. And, of course, I’ve added the infamous purple cane…So Ms. Punk Rock is in the process of being replaced with the “Trippin’ Pixie”. Either that, or “Tinker-Fell, the Grounded Pixie”.

 After all, life should be full of fun and laughter, and if I can’t laugh a little at myself…well then, I’d be a pretty boring person!

The Absurdity Of Life

 Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day!

 A few days ago I decided to switch back to my old “two-a-day” Gabapentin and I actually can get up in the morning again! Since it happens to be the only “me” time I get in a house over-run with people and critters, I was MISSING IT! Besides, the two-a-day definitely work better than the 24 hour time-release when it comes to pain control…so it’s a win-win.

 After lunch I got a call from the Doc’s office with my appointment date for the Ortho…December 19^th. Holy Cow! I was expecting a couple month wait at the very least. I just about did cartwheels…(THAT would have been an interesting sight…)

 The only “weird” point of the day mercifully didn’t occur until late. I have no idea what I did, but I was picking my tool bag up to leave work and a white-hot lightning bolt shot from my left hip all the way up the left side of my back. And the zaps kept coming…The beautiful part was every time lightning struck, the entire left side of my body simply quit working…completely limp! Made walking, standing, and pumping gas an exercise in movement and timing! I ended up looking like one of those kid’s toys that you push on the bottom of the base and the toy flip-flops from one side to another…

 This morning it seems better…although whenever I bend or move the left side much, it’s still there in milder form. It feels like a metallic taste in your mouth. (Don’t ask…it’s the best way of describing it I could think of!) It’s also decided to bring the right side in on the fun and games…wouldn’t want it to feel left out! So far, it’s like a 9V zap on the right…I can live with that.

 Can you imagine what will happen if the two sides go full-tilt-bozo at the same time? That would be HILARIOUS!!!! It would be like a marionette someone cut the strings on… That would freak people out, especially if I was laying there, twitching and laughing…Funny thought, but hope I don’t find out!

 Every day is a new adventure…I just have to remember to keep laughing at the occasional absurdity of life…and roll with the punches! (Or occasionally “crumple”…)

My Heroes

 Headaches are nature’s way of showing that she’s secretly WAY into S&M! (Forget the flowers and soft, flowing dresses…she traded them in for leather and a few whips…)

 Last night I was “catching up” with my one-legged turning Operator at work (one AWESOME guy with a heck of a WICKED sense of humor!) and found out he had the same neck/nerve problem I have. His was due to the fact he has degenerative spine disease, so they ended up fusing his C5/C6 together…but the moral of the story was, as soon as he woke up in recovery, all the pain was gone. ALL the pain! He said he still has a few “glitches left (think you’re holding onto an object and try to let go, but your fingers have “frozen” in place…manually moving is required…been there, done that…) but the pain is GONE!

 Talk about being excited…hope and light at the end of the tunnel!

 So…if they get this crap fixed, will this “journal” change again, since I will officially not be “chronically ill”? I was thinking about this over the last few days…Will I remove my MS Awareness bracelet? The answer I kept returning to for both was a resounding, “Heck no!”

 My Doc said I was a “text-book” case of MS before the clean MRI’s started rolling in. I’ve had several people tell me repeatedly I sounded like a “classic case” of Fibromyalgia. I’ve heard the phrase “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome” tossed at me a few times…The truth is, I may not have ANY of these things, but if THIS is what any of them feel like…I WANT to raise awareness!!!! I WANT to volunteer to help however I can! Because…well, this s**t sucks!

 The MS bracelet won’t come off, but it probably will be joined by a few more. (Hey, there’s plenty of room before I reach my elbow!) After all, not only are they durable and colorful, the money they generate goes to great causes!

 One good thing I can say has come from this whole drawn-out, crappy adventure is I’ve met some incredibly strong people!

 Carol has RA in her hands and wrists. There are days she literally cannot open a door with assistance. She is on meds, but nowhere near the “strongest” or “newest” available. She weighed the side effects against the advantages and how it affects her overall quality of life and decided she wasn’t willing to make the trade-off. She has good days and bad days (which I’ve noticed a distinct rise in the number of these lately…) but she always manages to smile and joke around, even if it’s occasionally through gritted teeth. She is an extremely STRONG woman who gets incredibly p-o’ed is she detects the slightest whiff of pity.

 Brian lost a leg in service of our Country. He has degenerative spine disease. He also has a “bad” heart. (Needs a valve replaced in the VERY near future.) He has one of the most awesomely evil sense of humors I’ve ever come across…He lives life as an adventure that should involve as much fun and laughter as humanly possible with no time to sit around and be “sick”. He works harder than 100% healthy “kids” half his age and is one of the quickest on his feet (or foot) to offer words of encouragement or any help you may need. He would never describe himself as courageous…but I would.

 Melissa has Fibromyalgia with legs that swell up the size of medium tree trunks. She is a single mother with four kids. She works 3^rd shift…seven days a week. Up until two weeks ago, she was working twelve hour days, seven days a week. The only concession she’s made is to obtain an eight-hour-a-day restriction. (Which the f-ing “Unmentionable Place of Employment” is trying to fight her on!) She moves no-stop all night running more machines at a time than anyone should. She’s not missed a day since I’ve known her. She’s a flippin’ trooper!

 There are others I’m sure who simply keep their illness to themselves and tough it out the best they can…because it’s what they’ve always done. Because a stupid thing like being sick is no reason to quit living or working. Because they are “who they are”, NOT “what they have”. These are the people I want to be like when I grow up! These are my heroes.

(Photo from http://www.phonezoo.com/)

The Good, The Bad, And The Not-So-Pretty

 Yesterday I had some GREAT news and then I was CRUSHED!

 The “right” Wednesday finally rolled around and I saw the Doc, with all medical records in hand…She reviewed them and informed me the Neuro appeared to be a lazy idiot! (OK…she didn’t say that…but it was quietly implied!) She doesn’t think I have irreversible nerve damage…yet. She’s referred me to an Ortho in what many (including me) consider the best Hospital in the State.

She said they might use injections or I could require surgery…but she was confident they could fix it! Either way, my symptoms associated with the nerve compression should be corrected.

 Then…she told me she was leaving the Practice! She feels she’s gone about as far as she can where she’s at and it’s time for her to move on.

 NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

 I cried. I admit it. (NOT a pretty sight!) I mean, I finally find a Doc who will LISTEN and work with me on my healthcare. She doesn’t treat me like a dumbass when I don’t understand something nor does she discount my opinion because I don’t have a degree. If she doesn’t know, she’ll look it up and she completely lacks the God Complex of so many Docs I’ve come across. I LOVE THIS WOMAN!

 So now, I’ve just gotta wait it out ‘til she ends up in a new Practice…and I WILL be the first in line!

 Now I’m waiting for the Nurse to call with the referral…then I’ll wait for the appointment. Again, have I mentioned I am NOT a patient woman by nature?

 Yesterday I was a bad girl…after the fun of the morning, I played hooky from work. The pain and exhaustion were kicking my ass, and I knew I was going to be a ROYAL B at work, so I stayed home, crawled into a pair of warm, fuzzy jammies, and curled up on the couch with a good book. And failed to move the rest of the night! It felt GOOD!!!!!

 Thus began the fantasies of quitting again…I turn in my notice, or take an extended Medical Leave…curl up on the couch for a week solid…sleep for days on end…and when I finally feel human, get up and give the house a thorough cleaning…laundry remains caught up…meals are cooked…The whole fantasy ends with me feeling like my old self again, instead the of the fuzzy-headed auto matron I’ve become who sleeps, eats and works with NO energy to do anything else!

 But that’s the thing about fantasies…they’re not real. We need the income from my job…especially for the impending Holidays! I mean, we just bought a house for crying out loud! And it’s not like my job is killing me…it just feels like it some days!

 But, I’m not quite as tired this morning and the pain hasn’t started yet, so I’m gonna proclaim today is gonna be a good day!!!!! It has to be…(I’m running out of FMLA time at work! *grin*)  Besides, according to the Doc all I have to do to avoid the truly “bad” days is not irritate or inflame the muscles…(not that I even know what I did, how I did it, or even when I did it the first time!)

 So, there you have it! Today I will NOT be a human slug! Today I WILL be a productive team player at work. Today I will NOT eat pain meds like M&M’s! Today I will smile, laugh, and not bite anyone’s head off. (OK, a little less enthusiastic about that one, but I will TRY.) Today WILL be a GOOD day!

Self Doubt

 I saw a T-shirt on CaféPress. It said, “My Disabling Chronic Illness Is More Real Than Your Imaginary Medical Expertise.” I want that shirt!

 Last night at work was uncontrolled chaos as far as the machinery went… Between the complete exhaustion, border-line migraine, and various other aches and pains it was a fight just to get there. But I made it through! At the end of the shift, I was inquiring how my Supervisor would hold up under an Audit they were having today. He made the comment, “We could use you, but you do what you think you have to do.” Then it dawned on me…he thinks I’m “faking” to get out of the insane overtime!!!

 Now, I’ve read all kinds of material about the “mental tole” of an “invisible” chronic illness…I’ve talked to people who fight the stereo-type of “lazy faker”. I’ve sat through repeated office visits where my Doc asked not only me about how my “mental state” was holding up, but she also asked my hubby about signs of depression, BUT…his comment really got to me!

 After I got home and collapsed of the couch, laying there feeling every part of my body trying to kick my ass from  the inside out, I still had a moment of wondering if he was right. Wondering if it was all in my head and if I just quit whining, got up and “pushed” if it would all go away. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough….

 Bull-Hockey!

 Yes, I do my best (as most of us do) to hide the glitches, aches, pains, and other crap, but self-doubt isn’t a symptom on my laundry-list and I don’t plan on putting it there!

 Why would anyone WANT to intentionally live like half-an-invalid? Because, let me tell ya…limping in steel-toes is NOT a good look! “Walking” down an isle between two machines in a pinball fashion leaves bruises (not to mention drawing some odd looks). Brain-fog really sucks the confidence outta your IQ. Dropping everything can even lead to financial loss…I’ve lost several tools in machines that way!

 I may occasionally be called a “Drama Queen” do to a random tendency to overreact…but this is a bit past that. After all, it would be WAY too much work to try to remember to walk like a drunken zombie and keep my hands set on “High Vibrate” all the time! Not to mention the inevitable side-effects on my liver and other necessary organs from all the meds I’m taking. That’s just a bit extreme a price to pay to duck out of overtime…

 My hubby pointed out to me I have to live in my body, not my Supervisor. I shouldn’t worry about his opinion. (Have I mentioned how awesome a guy he is?)

 So…I’m thinking someone, somewhere should establish a National Up-Yours Day for all the people who look at others and determine at a glance that they’re faking being ill either out of laziness or for attention!

 And here’s the link to the Official T-shirt for this official day. Enjoy!

http://www.cafepress.com/+your_imaginary_medical_expert_fitted_tshirt,75690676

I Laugh In The Face of Stress!

 OK, it’s true that a person can’t be “up” all the time (without pharmaceutical assistance, anyway…), but how do you deal with it?

 How do you live and work in a “high stress” world, add constant pain and health issues on top of it, and not get bummed occasionally? Or is the trick all in how you deal with the stress, preventing at least some of the "downs"?

 Yes, I have noticed an increase in the pain and other problems when the stress escalates…but short of quitting my job and climbing into bed permanently, I can’t yet figure out how to avoid the stressful situations…

1)      Everything I’ve read recommends meditation to aid in dealing with stress. I’ve tried for years to properly meditate…and have only ever managed to repeatedly fall asleep!

 But wait! If meditation is all about finding your “center”, your “happy spot”, then could writing qualify? It’s the one thing I do that’s “mine”…that serves no “useful” purpose in my day except to “relax” me. The words popping up on the glowing screen is how I work through my “baggage” and put things in perspective. So…maybe this blog is my form of meditation?

2)      Eliminate the stress from your life. Hhhhmmmm….short of a few happy scenarios that occasionally play out in my imagination, I’m not sure what they generally mean by “eliminate”. I could become a hermit…but the stress of missing my friends and family would be counter-productive.

 Let’s face it, unless you’re living somewhere far away from the hustle-and-bustle of modern life, are independently wealthy, or live-the-dream of working from home, there’s no realistic way of surviving and avoiding stress. Modern life + crowds of people = stress! (And yes, “living off the land in harmony with nature” is its own form of stress…but it seems somehow a “kinder gentler stress”!)

3)      Avoid stressful situations. OK…see #2.

4)      Find a hobby. There are all kinds of studies that shows the therapeutic value of hobbies. Not to mention the joy of making something with your two hands.

 On “good” days (when the hands are cooperating) I knit, crochet, spin, and carve. Although recently, there haven’t been that many “good” days around the tremors…and dropping a stitch is one thing when knitting…putting a high-speed carving tool through a finger is another.

 I usually refer to books and music as obsessions, but I think I could reclassify them as hobbies…reading with headphones on is DEFINITELY relaxing!

5)      Create space for yourself. I’ve read several places where creating even a tiny corner of tranquility for only you is stress-reducing. Again…sounds easier said than done in a big family/small house setting.

 I guess, if I think about it, the tiny notebook I’m currently writing on could qualify. After all, in a three bedroom, one bath home full of people and too many cats, dogs, and birds…well, this is about the ONLY “place” no one else messes with. The kids and hubby all prefer the full-size laptop. So this has become MY space. And when you combine it with the writing, it actually contributes to stress-lessening in two ways…

6)      Touch therapy has been shown in multiple studies to lessen stress, reduce blood pressure, and contribute to fellings of well-being. Both human touch as well as the simple act of petting a dog or cat falls into this category.

 I got this one covered in spades! I guess it is true…the nightly scenario I refer to as my “happy spot” is laying with my head on my hubby’s lap, a couple cats curled up on my belly and legs, reading a good book. If there’s some mellow acoustic music playing in the background…well, that right there is my personal slice of perfection!

Now, if I could just figure out how to take these stress-busters to work with me, I would be the most un-stressed person on Earth!

(Picture: "Stress-busting" with the birds)