Extreme Makeover, "Me" Edition

  Do you ever think about whether having a chronic illness has made you a better person? (OK…follow me here for a minute before you decide I’m full of crap…)

 All my life I have been an impulsive “free spirit,” living completely in the moment. I wouldn’t say I was ever really “present in the moment” but I was definitely NOT thinking about any of the moments ahead of me. As long as I could keep my body on the move, my brain didn’t really have to kick in much beyond the point of what I was currently up to.

 When I got “sick” my body was forced to slow down. That inevitably left my brain with some added free time to ponder…life, the universe, and all that happy stuff…including what kind of person I was and what kind of person I wanted to be.

 The person I was…class clown, cut-up, always trying to make people laugh. I never really took the time to necessarily consider what it was that was coming out of my mouth, as long as it brought a few laughs. And I shamefully admit, those laughs were frequently at other’s expense.

 My temper was also just as quick and sharp as my “wit”. I’d “spout off” like Old Faithful, never thinking about what emerged as long as it released the pressure. Then I’d go on as if nothing had happened. That’s a relatively easy thing to do when you’re “in the moment” and that particular “moment” has passed.

 After I slowed down, I started asking myself if this was a person I would want to spend time with? If this was a person I would see as a good friend or a good person? Do I really need to give you my answer?

 A lot of the time spent on the couch, doing my best human slug impression, was spent in some heavy soul-searching. And I eventually decided it’s never too late to attempt to be the person you WANT to be…it IS possible for “old dogs” to learn new tricks.

 I’ve heard more than a few people who at one time or another ended up on the wrong end of my sharp tongue say that it served me right…I deserved to get sick. Do I believe this physical crap is a punishment for my crimes against my fellow man? No. I do not and will not ever believe people become ill because they are bad people. This is not a punishment…

 Nor will I ever consider this a gift. It is what it is, but I can make it what I want it to be. And I have chosen to view it as an opportunity.

 I have been given a chance through a forced slow-down to discover who I “am” and change the things I find unacceptable. (On my best day I could have given Dennis Leary and Don Rickles a run for their money!) It’s not that I think I was a “bad” person…I’ve always considered myself a caring and compassionate individual with a soft spot for the “underdog”. I simply had some REALLY obnoxious habits that needed to go.

 And yes, I’ve “looked-up” quite a few individuals that I feel I’ve wronged in one way or another and apologized. I didn’t do it for the sake of forgiveness, I didn’t do it looking for a “get-out-of-sick-free” card. I did it for myself. Kinda my own version of a “twelve step” program.

 Step 1) My name is Chris and I have been a world class jack-ass.

 Step 2) I need to accept and forgive myself for this behavior.

 Step 3) I need, for my own peace-of-soul, to find the people I have wronged the most and sincerely apologize.

 Step 4) I will do my best to change this obnoxious behavior and become a better person.

 Step 5) …(OK, I’ve only got up to Step 4, but it’s a start!)

 Every day is a new step, hop, or limp on our own personal adventure. Sometimes the scenery is absolutely gorgeous, sometimes we gaze in a still pool and may not like the reflexion looking back at us. Instead of turning away or throwing rocks in the water, I’ve opted to change the face I see…from the inside out.

No-Jammie Day

 Another morning, another chance to make a small change in my little corner of the Universe!

 As long as I can remember I have always advocated taking charge of your life. If you really think about it, that encompasses so much more than simply “arguing” with Docs and researching everything before “blindly” following instructions. It also means you’re taking responsibility for you decisions and their outcome…good or otherwise.

 Taking responsibility for my actions…(that’s a pretty heavy topic to cover so early in the morning with so little coffee in my system!) It’s something I darn near preach at the “kids” on a regular basis. It’s something I tried to impress upon those I worked with. It’s something I frequently have to remind myself of on a day-to-day basis.

 For every decision I make, there are consequences. If I refuse to take one med because of the side-effects, there will be other aches and pains to deal with. If I opt to try an herbal supplement, it’s my responsibility to do the research for any possible interactions with my prescription meds. If I opt to assert my rights and stand up for myself, that label of “non-compliant” is going to follow me around for the life of my medical paper-trail.

 There are always pro’s and con’s. And it is always our responsibility to weigh them for ourselves before we make important…or even seemingly unimportant…decisions.

Has nothing to do with blog post, but I've always found trees
both philosophical and soothing...plus, I just like the pic!

 My Mother always put it in terms of the baby vulture form the Bugs Bunny cartoons, “If I do it, I get a whippin’….I do it anyway!” (She seemed to think that statement fit my personality to a T!) Or, as I got older and discovered the joys of being a teenager and “getting’ all philosophical” I would quote Mr. Frost and ponder “The Road Not Taken.” (Aaahhhh….teenagers and philosophy…a deadly combination!) But, however you phrase it, it all comes down to thinking about what you’re doing BEFORE you do it. (Personally, I’ve always been better at the “hind sight” method.)

 So, for today my goal is going to be a little bit different. I’m not going to list a corner of a room to get clean or an amount of laundry to finish. Today I want to be more aware of the decisions I make. How is the little pebble of “curl up on the couch with a blankie” I toss into the pool that is my life going to ripple outward? Will I do what I did yesterday and spend the ENTIRE day snuggled in my balnkie, missing the opportunity to fix my family a healthy lunch? Will I sleep half the day away, because I can? Or…will I pretend I’m one of those tiny water-gliders and ride the ripples all the way out, enjoying the scenery and making the most of what the day offers?

 Maybe if I simply declare today a “no-jammie day” and get dressed like a normal human, my mind-set will follow…It sounds like a good beginning!

 Oh, and when it comes to Robert Frost, I always considered myself more a “Birches” type of gal…

Bird-Brained Morning

 This morning I did something different…I did the morning bird work without my mp3 player! And…it was beautiful!

One of my Muscovy boys.




 The sounds of the wind combined with the early dawn bird-chorus turned my muddy yard into something almost magical!

 Today was one of those mornings when I actually slowed down and took the time to look around and appreciate my life and all the little things that make it a wonderful place to be…my place.


The "kids" playing in the woods.



                              

 I don’t know about others living with a chronic illness, but sometimes I allow myself to get so wrapped up in all the ways my body is refusing to play nice and forget what it is I’m supposed to be doing…LIVING! I over-think and worry about the little glitches and malfunctions and miss out on so much of the good stuff…

 So today, no updates on Docs or meds. Today, no rants about side effects or aches and pains. Today, I refuse to think of myself as “sick” but instead will remind myself I am a whole person. Today, I will laugh and play with my family.

 I spent most of my morning outside with a camera following my birds, enjoying the simple joys of their playing in the pool, the boys posturing for the girls, and the ways they interacted with each other.

 My favorite goose, Pearl, always close by with his LOUD honk. His mate, Mother (yep, Mother Goose) following at a distance, ready to voice her displeasure when I petted “her man”.



Pearl posing for the camera.



 My goal for today is simple…I want to carry this peaceful happiness…this joy in the moment…with me throughout the day. Whatever I do, I will do it as a whole person.



The Geese and Muscovys heading back to the pool.



 Because no matter what has caused the glitches and malfunctions, I am not broken. I am not damaged. I may have been changed and my even continue to be changed…perhaps a bit more limited than I was, but I am perfect as I am!

Tales Of The Medicated and Confused

 Before I start anything new, I first must admit that Wednesday I did nothing after my Doc appointment but lay on the couch and feel a bit sorry for myself…By the time I got home I felt bruised from head-to-toe and my skin felt as if someone had replaced my shower-scrubby with a potato peeler! (Not a good sign!)

 After starting the new meds the night before, I awoke Thursday morning  feeling as if invisible gnomes had spent the entiire night using sledgehammers to play “The Carol of The Bells” on the base of my skull. (Thank Gods for Migraine meds that WORK!) I spent the rest of the day using my cane to walk since my muscles had also mysteriously turned to Jell-O and my sense of balance was registering in the negative numbers.

 I did manage later in the afternoon (after a LONG nap) to get the “closet of horrors” and the black hole disguised as a dresser done. (Yeah me!) Now all I need to do is finish the dusting and my bedroom Sanctuary is once again intact.

 What I’m REALLY pondering this morning is how far to the “dark side” I’m willing to go for an answer…

 One of my former Doc’s (we’ll call him Dr. X) is a darned good guy in the sense he won’t stop looking until he believes he’s found the answer, no matter the question. The “dark side” of it is he’s a bit of a “control freak”…OK, more than a bit. He makes me look easy to get along with!

 Since Wednesday’s confusing appointment, I’ve been considering booking an appointment with him. You know, handing the case over to Sherlock Holmes. (HOLY COW! I just realized…if you take the cocaine addiction out of it, he IS Sherlock Holmes!) The BIG question is, can I be a good patient? (*insert giggle here*)

 The New Doc decided to try replacing my Neurontin with Lyrica… After much negotiation, we settled on a dose of each a day for a week, as opposed to switching me “cold turkey”. Now, there were some “interesting” outcomes to this switch-a-roo. First, my system does NOT like the new stuff…so far two doses and two nights/mornings of INTENSE muscle pain, migraines, (again, thank Gods for migraine meds that work!) and a few other lower-level annoying side effects. (Was my nasty reaction to the new med a combination of withdrawals from one while at the same time combining it with another?) However…and here’s the kinda cool part…I noticed in the shower that the areas of my body that had felt “bruised” for the last several months had disappeared. (The bruised feeling, not the area of the body…*grin*)

 Outer thighs, outer upper-arms, inner knees, outer hips, shoulders, lower back/upper booty area…yep, I know what this is sounding like, Fibro hot-spots. And I’ve done enough research to know Lyrica is commonly used for treating it. I also know it’s one of the MANY things various and sundry Med Professionals have asked about then tossed aside.

 So…do I call Dr. X and share my new body-update with him? Will he listen to my reasons why I am NOT going to be taking the new med, even though it helped in one area? Will he be receptive to working with me on adjusting the dose of my old med? Will he ever let me move on to a Specialist after he believes he’s solved the riddle? Will I ever learn to stop over-thinking a situation and simply make a decision? *sigh*

For the answers to these questions and more, tune in tomorrow to “As The Stomach Churns”. (*insert more giggling here*)

I'm so confused!

A Self-Indulgent Fairy Tale

 Once upon a time there was a girl. She was a precocious little girl with bright eyes, a quick smile, and an annoying tendency to ask questions…LOTS of questions!

 As this little girl grew, she found she had a deep desire to learn EVERYTHING there was to learn. She loved to read and could rarely be found without a book in her hand. (Even when the book was hidden inside a textbook in class.) The biggest problem with her desire for knowledge was she HATED to study! After all, the things they wanted to teach her in school seemed so BORING compared to the facts she could learn from books.

 Fortunately, there were a few observant teachers along her journey through school that recognized her odd views on “learning” and steered her in the right direction with suggestions for books and long after-school discussions. They didn’t even mind the millions of questions she asked. Thanks to the guidance of these few caring souls (that would be you Mr. Auther, Mr. Fleetwood, Mr. Poe, and Mr. Kihm!), the little girl managed to graduate.

 As she grew to be an adult, she carried with her the desire to keep learning…EVERYTHING! She continued to read and seek out people she could ply with her questions. Sometimes they answered, but more often than not, they were intensely annoyed.

 As a result of all this reading and questing, the woman she became knew a little about a lot, but not much about anything. She did, however, have mad researching skills and a computer, making her the biggest pain in the arse to Doctors near and far!

 The annoying woman became sick…a modern medical mystery…Doctor after Doctor made guesses, ran tests, and (just like Casey at Bat) struck out! Each one offered drugs and shots to treat the symptoms since they couldn’t seem to find the cause. To their annoyance and dismay, the woman refused to follow their orders and continued to research and ask questions. (How dare she! After all, they were the ones with the Degree!) For some silly reason, the woman believed she knew her body better than they did, since she had lived with it for the last 41 years or so. Never mind the fact she HATED taking pills that simply masked things without really fixing them! (How silly is that!?!)

 At one point along her journey, the woman had found the PERFECT Doctor who understood the woman’s need to feel in charge of her own healthcare…to be a partner instead of a silent bystander. (Thank you, Brenda!) Sadly, after a time the Doctor moved on, and the woman again found herself attempting to “train” a new Doctor to work WITH her…

 Currently, that’s not going so well for the woman. The Doctor has yet to read the woman’s file…she didn’t seem to be “up” on the woman’s current pain-management treatments or even exactly know how the drugs worked. The Doc decided to monkey with the type of drugs without giving the woman much of a say. The Doc was unwilling to answer many questions and appeared to “blow off” many of the woman’s concerns.
Sadly, the Doctor may not realize it yet, but she’s shortly to be fired, just as soon as the cranky, DIZZY and nauseous woman can find a new one who will actually LISTEN!

 There is no real point to our story, except…perhaps…It really is important for everyone to find a Doctor that fits their own personality. If you need a Doctor to be in charge and make you feel safe with their knowledge, then that’s the right Doc for you. If you need to be a part of the “team” and not simply relegated to “patient” status, then that’s the right Doc for you. And yes, there are a million different personality types in between the two…

 (And if there are any other “control freaks” out there who know of a good Doc in the area…PLEASE drop me a line and a name!)

Bedroom Cleaning, Phase II

I found a Yarn Store hidden when I started digging...

 Holy Cow! Would anyone have believed I have hardwood floors in my bedroom? No, really! It would also appear I had an entire yarn store hidden in the corner…UN-FLIPPIN’-BELIEVABLE!!!!!

 OK, so I actually did get the corner done, plus I re-did “computer-corner” in the living room. There was a good reason…I traded desks with my youngest for a 1950’s Secretary’s Desk that was hidden in the basement. (It’s friggin’ amazing!) I now have not only room to work on the laptop, but room to spread my various and sundry “craft” projects without commandeering the dining room table!

 Of course, this morning I’m paying in spades for it all…my left arm is pretty much just ornamental at this point. Good thing I’m a righty…(Gotta look on the bright side!) I still plan on doing the closet, but I refuse to post any “before” pics of it…WAY too ashamed of the state the “amazing leaning tower of clothing” has achieved.

 We ended up watching “Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark” last night on pay-per-view. (Which I love, since I don’t have to drive the half hour into town to rent a video or worry about the inevitable late fees when I forget to return it on time.) I remember watching the original when I was a kid…lovely 1970’s movie, although we’ve been unable to locate a copy of it. Does anyone else remember the original? I swear, I couldn’t sleep with the lights off for years and I still have an odd mistrust of ash-doors on fireplaces and chimneys…

 Speaking of horror stories, I suppose I should remove my butt from in front of the computer and get to work of the “closet of horrors”….wish me luck!

Realistic Goals And Rewards

 I’ve made several “starts” at writing this morning, but none of them felt right…the weather, the birds, more weather…the fact is, I’m kinda “bummed” this morning. (There! I admitted it.)

 I know, I know…it happens to all of us from time to time. Part of being honest with myself is admitting when I’m not exactly on top of the “happy bubble”.

 So, I spent the last 30 minutes or so trying to figure out WHY I’m not overly chipper today. There were a few reasons I could come up with…I’ve been waiting two weeks for a new CD from my favorite singer/songwriter, Antje Duvekot, to be released. (Hey, her post on FB said it would be out January 1^st…) As of this morning, still nothing! (Again, not such a patient woman here…) I was also eagerly awaiting the ChronicBabes Blog Carnival to go live yesterday, but from her Tweets it would seem the Editrix’s Grandmother passed away. A completely understandable delay! (And Jenni, my heart goes out to you. I wish you all the comfort in the world right now!)

 Honestly, I think the biggest “bummer” right now has got to be my lack of get-up-and-go when it comes to the housework! Here I’ve been home over a week now, and all I’ve managed to get done is cleaning the corner of the living room where our computer lives. Yes, I’ve started cooking normal meals again…yes, I’m keeping the laundry caught up…no, I’ve done nothing else!

 I could reason that of the ten days I’ve been home, we’ve had friends and family trips to make for the Holidays on four of those days, we’ve had company over at our house on four of those days, and my youngest son’s best friend spent four days here over his Holiday Break. That’s NOT leaving a lot of time for rest and recuperation! But…still…

 Today, I am going to make a promise to myself…I WILL at least start on my bedroom! Ah…the bedroom…it’s suppose to be the “sanctuary” where we rest and replenish ourselves. It’s our own personal “Fortress of Solitude”, the inner sanctum! Mine, however, has become the depository of everything that needs removed from the line of sight when people “pop in” for a visit. If I pick it up and am not sure where to put something? It gets shoved in a corner in my room.

 Well, no more! I run an obstacle course in the dark every morning just getting from my side of the bed to the bedroom door! (More than one LOUD crash accompanied by muffled cursing has woke my hubby in the wee hours of the morning!) Something HAS to be done!

 Today, I promise I will at least get my “corner of no return” taken care of! (Hey, baby steps…) Then tomorrow, the closet…It may take me all week to get one room completed, but at least I’m trying to set realistic goals! Goals I can achieve, thus avoiding the added “blahs” when I fail at the impossible.

 In my humble opinion, that is as important as actually setting goals…setting realistic ones. The whole setting yourself up for success instead of failure thing. And don’t forget to reward yourself now and then for meeting your goals…

 Rewarding yourself…clean today, and tonight spend some time curled-up on the couch eating popcorn and watching one of my favorite movies…again! Sounds good to me…

The "corner of no return" complete with scratching dog in need of flea bath...(seems so much worse when seen on the computer monitor!)

A Few Simple "Truths"

 Happy New Year everyone!

 Another “clean slate” and chance to avoid making as big a mess of this year as I did the last one…new beginnings. I like that!

 Since I’m feeling completely sleep-deprived this morning with a million random thoughts sluggishly crawling through my brain, I figured I’d do a “Top 10” list of some “Simple Truths” I came to this past year. Let me know if there are any I left out and should know about.

(In no particular order of importance…)

1. Depends should make a “thong” style for those of us with minor “leakage” problems who still want to feel sexy. (I can see the commercial now, “When a little is a lot for the hot chick on the go…”)

2. Color-changing make-up works! The only problem is, when your natural “colors” are shades of grey, yellow, and PALE…well, it makes it a much more even shade of grey, yellow, and pale…with highlights!

3. People do not appreciate 40-something year old women in piggy-tails. That’s right…personal style that involves pastel butterflies and sparkly flowers is under-valued in our culture. Enough said!

4. The “duck quantum theory” reigns supreme. (If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and talks like a duck…it must be a duck!) Most people can’t wrap their heads around the concept of someone being sick if they don’t “look” sick. (Or, the theory could be re-stated as thus, “If you ask me for the 10^th time why I’m limping, you’d better DUCK because I’m going to throw something at you!)

5. Laughter is not really the best medicine unless combined with various Doc-prescribed pharmaceuticals. However, it really does help improve your overall mood if you can laugh long and hard with your family and friends…especially the 3^rd time you “veer right” into an end cap at Wal-Mart. (Seriously…happened two days ago!)

6. Flat shoes are under-rated. If more women decided they were cool, there’d be more of a selection for those of us who HAVE to wear them. Not that I’m a shoe-a-holic (personally, I’m all for going barefoot!) but there are times when a choice would be nice. I mean, there are only so many ways you can dress-up tennis shoes and pass them off as appropriate foot attire.

7. (This one is off my hubby’s list.) There should be a rehab program for music-junkies. (Problem? I don’t have a problem!) He’s also a firm believer that iTunes is pure evil…and keeps reminding me he has the bank records to prove it!

8. *OK…time for a serious one. Support systems ARE important! No one…NO ONE!..should ever feel lonely or isolated, especially while trying to work through the anger, sadness, and fear that so often accompanies being sick. Even if you’re house-bound there are on-line groups and lists where you can “virtually” connect with others in your situation for friendship and support. (Just “reach-out” and see how many people “reach-back”.)

9. You’re never too old to want your Mommy. I know on my worst days, I sure as heck miss mine! There is just something comforting about hearing your Mom tell you, “It’ll be alright.” Must be some kind of primal mom-magic…*sigh*

10. Last, but not least…I firmly believe that people are born inherently good. Being an insensitive douche is a learned behavior! (Maybe they should have rehab for that…) Sadly, with so many of them in the world, it’s all too easy to learn said behavior…It’s entirely possible many aren’t even aware they’re acting like one. Think maybe it would be helpful if I started pointing it out when it occurs? *grin*

 OK. There you have it…10 of the many “epiphanies” I’ve had recently. Now…more coffee and possibly a short nap!

* If you’re looking for an on-line support system, try out Yahoo! Groups. Type in what you need, and see what pops-up. In my experience, there’s a Group for EVERYONE, regardless of what you need.

Defeated? Not Quite...



"After" pic.
(It IS a different pic...I used a new background!)



 This morning, in the interest of full disclosure, I must admit defeat…*sigh*

 I spent several hours in a state of extreme crankiness, beating myself up, alternating between “pep-talks” worthy of R. Lee Emery and abject self-pity. The horn, or at least my equipment, won!

  I don’t actually use a dremmel, since they weigh a TON and my mainly-ornamental thumbs can’t “hang”. Instead, I use this awesome little thing called UltraCarver that weighs about 6ozs, doesn’t vibrate much, and is big enough around that even hands that refuse to grip properly can keep ahold of it. The problem was…whoever used it last (and I KNOW who you are!) “misused” it and it was fried!

 The dark clouds rolled in…I flipped back-and-forth considering trying out the dremmel, but I knew from the last time it wasn’t gonna work. Then you factor in the fact that looking down for more than ten minutes turns my “reality” into a tilt-a-world ride from hell and that part had already started while I was drawing on the pattern…well, I was finished!

 I decided to take a break from kicking myself in the ego and attempt to distract my inner dialogue of, “You Suck!” by playing on the web and wouldn’t you know it! I found something that hit the spot like lavender oil on a burn.

 One of the pages I’ve recently discovered is But You Don’t Look Sick. It’s a wonderful collection of articles while reading I’ve ended up both laughing and tearing up, sometimes identifying with the author, sometimes just wishing I could shake her hand.…something for everyone! Anyway, perusing through the articles I hadn’t read yet, I came across one titled “New Year’s Resolutions: Why They Are So Tricky” by guest writer Nikki Albert. MANY of the great things it had to say pertained to how difficult it is to apply will power to a situation or resolution when you’re sick, since will power takes a LOT of energy, which most of us are already low on anyway.

 Basically, I sat back after reading it and gave myself the OK to stop beating myself up over the “horn incident”. After all, I knew going into it that the “looking down” part was going to be a serious problem. (After the vertigo gets out of control, the pain ALWAYS follows…with bells on!) I just kept trying to fool myself that my limitations are optional.

 Well, they’re not! Unfortunately, they’re real and non-negotiable. It may occasionally suck, but it’s just the way it is…and it’s a life I REALLY would rather live as full as I can as opposed to fighting it tooth and nail, forcing myself to eat more pills to combat the results of my own stupidity and stubbornness.

 And yes…I’m now sitting here with about twelve hours left before our gift exchange, empty handed! But…that’s OK too. Our friends are awesome people who understand my limits better than I do sometimes, and they’ll be happy I’m there to spend the night with them, even if I don’t participate in the exchange. Besides, that’ll leave my hands free to take pictures! (As long as the camera has a “vibrate-correct  focus” setting on it!)

Conquering The Horn



 Ah, Insomnia, my old nemesis…so we meet again!

 Up since 4:30 A.M. This is becoming a running theme. I am seriously considering calling Doc with first light and asking if he can figure out a way to make me forget I have a shoulder! (Is that even possible?)

 I’m beginning to wonder if this flare-up is some kind of deep, psychological desire to avoid crafting...Every December a group of our friends get together for a gift exchange, all handmade items. This year we’re getting together on New Year’s Eve and, you guessed it! I haven’t even started my gift. (I know it’s tomorrow! Please, don’t remind me…)

 OK, that’s not exactly true…I have the item I’m going to be working on laid out on the table…I’m going to attempt to carve a horn for the occasion. So far, said horn and I have spent the last 24 hours “staring” each other down…the horn is winning.

 Carving? Really? High speed power tools and the amazing, vibrating hands? Good combo? Probably not, but hubby is convinced I can do it without too much blood loss…



A few of the horns I've carved over the years.



 In the last year, I have slowly left all of my creative outlets, one by one, at the side of the “Chronic Highway.” This is probably one of the DUMBEST mistakes I’ve made in my recent history. I mean, after all…aren’t hobbies supposed to be therapeutic? It seems somewhat counterproductive to put aside anything that would help with maintaining sanity or a semblance of my “normal” life.

 If I look hard enough and stop making excuses about time constraints, I would have to admit I’m a bit afraid. I’ve been told I’m one heck of a perfectionist about crafting. (For the record, I don’t see it. *grin*) I spent a lot of years learning various and sundry artsy-craftsy things…knitting, crochet, spinning, carving, leather tooling, painting, clay…and I’m terrified I’ll have to start back at the beginning.



 Silly? If you think about it, all of my loves involve serious hand-eye cooperation…not to mention steady hands. I don’t exactly possess either of these skills at the moment. Will my hands remember how to go through the motions? Will they instinctively adapt to their new shimmy-shake behavior? (Will I stop being a weenie and get over it?)

 This IS kinda silly…fearless in the face of countless horror-movie monsters, yet terrified of crafting…

 That’s it! I WILL carve this horn! (With or without the cooperation of my flippin’ shoulder!) I WILL do it without dremmeling  a hole in my thigh or hand! I WILL post pics to prove I beat the horn! I WILL win!

 (And I WILL begin after a few more cups of coffee…and maybe a nap.)

The obligatory "before" picture.

Insomnia And My New Slippers

The coolest "Pixie" slippers ever! (And a few sleeping cats...)

  Ah…the ever-elusive night-time blog entry…usually I’m deep in a book or dozing in-and-out on the couch, mindless TV programming lulling me into a quasi-comatose state.

 But, tonight my brain won’t stop spinning in circles…asking endless questions to which there are currently no answers. (Geek Alert…the answer MUST be 42, but what is the question…) I’m worried about the uncertainty of everything with me not working, but I’m also missing actually going to work, a reason to push myself just another inch past the point I’m running on empty.

 I’m missing seeing the people I called “friends” there that were all in the same boat as me. (OK, most weren’t exactly in the same boat, but you know what I mean.) I miss knowing my hubby is right around the corner doing the same crap I am for the same reason. I hate putting all this on his shoulders now…

 I miss having a focus (besides housework) for my “slightly” obsessive personality.

 Maybe that’s why I’m writing…another focus? Or is it a way to get some of the spinning interior dialogue out to make room for more? I suppose I’m writing for the same reason so many other people do…out of a need to believe we’re not alone. Out of a belief that there are others out there who feel as we do and think as we do and have the same desire to in some way “touch” another person somehow…in a somewhat anonymous way…

 This is definitely going to turn into one of those nights I wish I could drink just to become loopy enough to get some sleep…*grin* I suppose I should find the World’s most boring book to put me “out” before I get too introspective or philosophical…I guess it’s back to the couch with my Tinkerbell slippers. (Awesome Holiday gift from my sweetie!)

 Sweet dreams to all those that can sleep! (I’m guessing the Flogging Molly I’m listening to probably isn’t the best “sleep” music…Oh, well.)

Rest and Wetness

 After two days of more foul language than one could imagine and skimming through multiple books, I think I sort-of fixed most of the problems I created with the Blog…maybe…There are still a few “glitches” I vaguely remember reading how to correct, but I’ve gotta remember where the location of said material is…

 Holiday Inanity, Round #1 over. “Ding! Ding!” Exhaustion, 1. Chris, 0.

 I should have known…OK, I did know! Every piece of advice out there on websites and in books tells you, “It’s OK to say no thank you!” It all says to pace yourself…honor your body and its limitations. Otherwise, you’ll pay for it later…I didn’t pay any more attention to that advice than I did that which ever came from my Mom!

 So, yesterday I again became the “Human Slug”. (At least I had the Blog-repairs to keep me busy while I wasn’t moving.) That, and invisible Elves have been using tiny little baseball bats to beat the holy snot out of me in my sleep! (Or, at least that’s what it feels like…) Needless to say, the house-cleaning reconnaissance hasn’t yet begun.

 This was probably one of the oddest Holidays on my personal Record…Christmas Eve with the In-Laws listening to the Hubby and his Siblings tell horror stories about each other, then Christmas Day at my Uncle’s. The 26^th we had a wonderful afternoon with two VERY dear friends, Sir Mystery and Princess Buttercup, aka Michele and Michael Callahan. It's all kind of an exhaustion-laced blur...

 It was a wonderful weekend…just too much at once! And I knew it, I just couldn’t stop myself. The thought of disappointing people by ducking out on our plans…why rest when I can just add more make-up to hide the ever-growing dark circles and lines that I’ve come to realize signal impending doom? (I know…earlier I wrote about giving myself the gift of time, but it’s not New Year’s Eve yet, so I haven’t actually made the resolution…Cop out? *grin*

 Anyway…the last few days I’ve been pondering a new fun “symptom” and trying to figure out if I should even mention it here or not, but I DID say something once about “honesty”…even the embarrassing kind, I guess…

 Uuummm…the last few days have seen a relatively high incidence of bladder control issues. (By “relatively high” I mean any compared to none and by “control” I mean NONE!) I’ve begun living in a constant state of nervousness pertaining to any situation in which I notice the slightest awareness of my bladder. If I notice it’s there and functioning, then any fluctuation in “status quo” could bring disastrous results! Naps and sleeping have become causes for anxiety as opposed to rest. (Last night I even dreamt I turned our bed into a “water bed”…)

 I know, they make items to help with this and keep me “safe” in case of “system failure”…I guess the misplaced sense of Pride is still fighting against any Common Sense in that at the age of 41, I shouldn’t need it! That, and I’m still hoping it’s just a phase…Ya know what they say, “Hope springs eternal!”

 (Side note: I have noticed a corelation between episodes of debilitating exhaustion and the appearance of new "glitches"...)

 So, that’s where I stand (or sit) this fine, frosty morning…contemplating rest and wetness…wishing for one and fearing the other…Life does always seem to find ways of keeping itself interesting.

"Technical" Difficulties...

 CRAP! What the heck happened?

 I SWEAR! I backed-up the file like I was supposed to before I began “playing”…where did it go?

 OK…I can fix this. Promise! Just bear with me while I figure out how to “undo” whatever it is I just did.

 Thank you in advance for your patience…(grumble…grumble…grumble…)

The Magic of the Moment

 Happy December 25^th everyone! Whether you celebrate Christmas, Kwanza, Chanukah, Winter Solstice, or Yule (like me)…May your days be merry and bright and may you and yours be filled with the Joy of the Season!

 Thanks to the joys of steroids, my eyes are wide open…still…even though my brain ducked out for a nap a while ago. I’ve been waiting here with a cup of coffee, hoping to hang with Santa a bit before the kids get up, but I guess he showed up during one of the MANY bathroom breaks. Oh well, maybe next year…

 Honestly, I was sitting here drinking said cup ‘o and eating a breakfast bar, when I suddenly realized that this was the first year no one asked about leaving cookies and milk (or my youngest sons’ option of beer and chips) for Santa. And it seemed like some sort of odd milestone.

 Yes, I know they are WAY beyond believing in Santa Clause, with the “baby” being 17, but the last seven years or so were more for me than them anyway. And it was so cool to see them humor me with my random delusions that they’re forever five!

 No…this year everyone (almost everyone) went to bed early because they were tired, not out of fear of keeping Santa at bay. They cracked jokes about “naughty or nice” out of concern for Mom and Dad’s judgment, not out of worry about which list they were on. Even my Daughter, the last “hold out” for Santa, hasn’t mentioned him once this year…*sigh*

 But that’s the way it’s supposed to work. It just took a tiny bit of the magic out of it for me…removed the “twinkle” from “Cringle”…(Sorry! Had to say it!) Although, there was a new magic for me this year…the magic of hearing that Forrest (my 2^nd oldest) had arrived! The sparkle of hearing how his last few weeks have gone and being able to issue my very own “Mother’s threats” about what I’ll do to his skinny behind if he doesn’t come over tomorrow for gifts and dinner. Another milestone…

Forrest made it home for the Holiday!

  So, as I sit here waiting…no longer for Santa to show, but for the Sun to rise and officially start the day, I’m groggily smiling to myself. The kids aren’t “kids” anymore, no one expects Santa to pop in for a midnight snack, and Nick and I filled the stockings hours ago. We’ve still got a few years to go before we’ll start the harassment about when are they gonna settle down and give us grandbabies, so the only thing left for the here and now is to HAVE FUN and enjoy the pure magic of the moment! (And get another cup of coffee…)

 HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ONE AND ALL AND MAY THEY BE FILLED WITH THE MAGIC OF LAUGHTER AND LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Magic in the Music

 I REALLY don’t have time to write this morning, but I’m having one of those moments where I HAVE to write…

 My feet hit the ground running on three hours of sleep…and headed straight for iTunes. Quite by accident I tripped across a holiday album peppered with classical music and a long-dormant part of my musical-junkie brain was tickled into consciousness. And, just like that, I was 16 again…half awake, half in a trance…lost in the shadow and light on the page of sheet music on the stand before me...rhythmically rocking ever-so-slightly in time to the bow strokes, barely aware of the Conductor’s baton guiding us on to the inevitable finish…

 One of my “dirty little secrets” I tend to keep closely guarded is the fact that in High School I was one step lower on the “food chain” than the “Band Geeks”…I was an “Orchestra Nerd.” For years I played Upright String Bass in both the school and town Orchestras. AND I LOVED IT!!!!!

 My all-time fave style? Baroque. (If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it! How’s THAT for nerd humor?) It always seemed such an odd love for a girl who considered herself the epitome of “free spirit” since it tends to be one of the most structured types of music in existence.

  And how wonderful that so many have redone the classics as Holiday tunes! “Cannon In D,” “Air On The G String,” and of course “Jesu, Joy Of Man’s Desiring.” I began surfing and found them played on every conceivable instrument in every imaginable genrea. It was astounding! At first I was a tad bit incensed, being a purist about this sort of thing…then I realized that it was pretty darned cool that, no matter your tastes or instrument of passion, you could enjoy something so beautiful in your own way.

 So, here I sit, this fine, chilly morning…head back, eyes closed, goose bumps chasing up and down my arms. (I might have even teared up a time or two, but I’ll blame it on sleep deprivation.) I know this is my own, personal Ghost-of-Christmas-Past taking me for a stroll down Memory Lane…and I can’t thank him enough for it!

 After all, have you ever noticed how close in spelling “music” and “magic” are? I think, amid all the last-minute barely controlled chaos, I finally found my moment of peace…Thank you Mr. Bach!

  Wherever you’re at and whatever you’re listening to, may this Christmas Eve-Eve find you in your own moment of Yuletide Cheer!

The "Band Geeks" had nothin' on us "Orchestra Nerds"!

Twelth Night Promises

 Lately I’ve gotten in the habit of “cruising” the  ChronicBabe web site (right after checking Facebook and before figuring out if I have enough time to write). I’m thinking about actually submitting a post to their Blog Carnival, which this week happens to be about New Year’s resolutions…so here goes nothing!

 I always figured New Year’s Resolutions were something grown-ups did after a few too many “eggnogs”. (Especially since I never noticed anyone giving much thought to them after January 7th.) Then I did a bit of research and found the concept actually originated with the Norse and their tradition of swearing Sacred Oaths of the flaming Yule Wreath on 12^th Night. Suddenly, it didn’t seem such a drunken waste of time.

 So, what “resolution” will I make this year as the clock strikes twelve? The only one I’ve been making for the last several months, of course! I resolve to make my Life a healthier, happier place to be!

 To begin with, all the things that have been put on hold over the past year while hubby and I were in-and-out of various and sundry Doc’s offices will be taken care of. My two youngest homeschooled kids have been waiting oh so patiently for Mommy to find the time to shuttle them back-and-forth to both GED and Driver’s Ed classes. That is one of my top priorities…to give them the tools they need to get on with the act of living their own lives!

 Next up, tomorrow will be my last night at the “Unmentionable Place of Employment” which will afford me the time needed to get myself healthy. “Whatever” is putting the “cramp in my style,” whether it’s MS, Vertebral Compression, or the Parkinson’s I’ve heard mentioned a few times, I will need TIME for my body to work on healing itself as much as it can while the Docs figure out both what’s causing it and how they can fix it.

 Last, but definitely NOT least, I will spend more QUALITY time with my hubby! This amazing man has chauffeured me across half the State time and again, all while keeping his composure and occasionally “talking me down” on our never ending search for answers. (At least, sometimes it seems like it!) He’s been supportive, accepting, encouraging, and even rubs my feet! (What more could a woman ever want?)

 So, I guess what these things all add up to is TIME…how much I’ve let slip past while focused on other, “more important” things. How many moments have been lost while I was worrying or fuming over the things I couldn’t change…answers I wasn’t getting when I wanted them.

 Yes, this New Year’s Eve, when I gather with my friends and family to place our hands on the Yule Wreath (before it's "flaming") and make our 12^th Night Oaths, Mine will be to give those I love, including myself, the time we each need and deserve!

• 

A Twelth Night celebration with Friends and Family

Another Trip On The Merry-Go-Round

 HOLY COW! I think I lost three days…

 This week has been a whirl-wind of ups-and-downs, a bit of insanity, and more sleep hours than I know how to log. I’m not sure where I left off. So, we’ll start with Monday…

 Monday was the much-anticipated visit to the Ortho. This man was going to hand me the answer to all my questions! A snip here, a cut there, voila! All better and life goes on…Instead I came out in tears. (Yes, I’m completely human and occasionally cry!)

 After a round of x-rays and three people asking me the SAME 20 questions over and over and over…he came back in the room and told me the ONLY thing my compression would account for was pain in my left arm and two fingers on my left hand. It would not cause any of my other symptoms. His exact words were, “Whatever is causing this is not what we do. Sorry we couldn’t help you.” And just like that, I’m back to square one!

 So…I sat in their tiny room and cried for a few minutes before we were on our way, another medical bill in debt with fewer answers than we thought we already had.

 Later that night at work, my body decided it was a good time to shut down. I thought I might have been dehydrated…you know, too much caffeine trying to keep me moving while I finished recovering from last weeks’ virus…So, chugged some Gatorade, early to bed…where I alternated between waking in a complete pool of sweat and waking up shivering from head-to-toe. 6:00 AM saw the pain in my head morphing into a migraine, so took the meds for that…and down the rabbit hole AGAIN! When I came-to at 9:00, called Doc and was told my best shot at being seen was Prompt Med, so off we went.

 Sinus Infection and Bronchitis…three more meds to add to the medicine cabinet for the next week. I swear, I’ve no room for food since I’m full of pills! I’ve slept 20 of the last 24 hours, and this morning I feel marginally better, though weak as a newborn kitten! (And, of course, I missed work…AGAIN!)

 I’ve spent my few conscious hours wondering what went wrong? My beloved Doc, Brenda swears this neck thing could have caused EVERYTHING! My co-worker tells me he had almost identical problems before his surgery with the same compression. I’ve had two Neuros tell me it’s not MS, and one Ortho tell me it’s not the compression. The Prompt Med guy told me I needed another Neuro’s opinion, because it sounded like MS to him and you can’t rely on MRI’s to diagnose it…

 Nick thinks I was too honest with the Ortho, and I need another Ortho's opinion. (What “event” triggered your current problems? The only thing out of the ordinary was an over-adjustment by a Chiro…) He thinks the guy was worried I was looking to sue and didn’t want to get involved…

 So, now that I’m back in the “Land of the Living” I keep asking myself one simple question…How do you maintain “hope” when you feel like you keep getting “pumped up” just to crash back down…over and over again? How does a person stay optimistic when there are only so many ups-and-downs anyone should have to deal with, unless they’re on a merry-go-round? If everything happens for a reason, what the heck am I supposed to learn from all this? (Please, do not say patience…I’m thinking 41 is too late for that one!)

 How do you keep from being a tad bit bitter when you asked for a referral to the Med Center for this very reason (if it’s not this guys’ specialty, then it would belong to the guy down the hall) and I was referred instead to Ortho**** (don’t want to slam their practice…) where it doesn’t fall in their realm of specialty, so there’s the door…

I keep telling myself life is funny that way…if it doesn’t kill me it makes me stronger…it’s always darkest before the dawn…and a lot of other similar sayings meant to bolster a person up in the face of adversity. But the truth is, currently I’m just plain mad! I can wrap it jokes. I can couch it in tongue-in-cheek innuendos. But I AM MAD! And I believe I have every right to be! It is completely understandable and allowed every great once in a while.

 When Life treats you like a tennis ball, you can either yell, “Love!” (I know, dorky tennis joke I read on a bumper sticker somewhere…) Or, you can wonder if a tennis ball ever decides it’s “over it” and refuses to bounce.

 Personally, I’ll end up putting a song on repeat (“Merry-Go-Round” by Antje Duvekot) and spending the morning getting lost in the words and up-beat tune. I’ll probably mock the “unrealistic” optimism of the lyrics for a while before I finally give in and smile, knowing she’s right and Life, in all its unforeseen twists and turns is indeed like that. Then…I’ll take a deep breath and figure out my next move, i.e. whose 2^nd (or 3^rd) opinion do I seek now? Because, after all, it’s MY life and if I’m not willing to fight for the quality of it, who is?

Endings and Beginnings

 It’s 6:00 Am and I’ve been up since close to 3:30…

 There’s a soft rain falling outside and the temp has climbed to almost 60 degrees! Since the hubby’s fast asleep and not around to fuss at me, I’ve opened the front door to better hear the gentle patter. The air slipping in is cool and sweet, laced with the last scent of autumn leaves.

 What a perfect time to be sitting here writing! The house is silent…the animals are all sleeping…it’s just me and my groggy morning thoughts…

 Last night I turned in my notice. It was truly bittersweet. Even though it was the right thing to do, both for my family and my current health, I still am a little sad. If you remove the upper-management induced insanity, I really do love my job! I usually end the day with a sense of accomplishment…the knowledge that I made some sort of difference. No, not a “difference” that matters in the grand scheme of things like a “Mother Theresa” difference, but a tiny one in the way the machines ran…or the attitude of a few people stuck in an at-times-crappy job. I worked hard and made others smile.

 But there are other differences I can make…FINALLY having the time to chauffer the two youngest kids to their GED classes and Driver’s Ed. Helping them get the final tools they need to assert their independence and step out of the protective shadows of home into the bright light of the rest of their lives.

 I can take the time I need to get my body healthy and functioning the best it can. (Which will include quitting the smoking habit!) If it requires surgery, then I’ll have time to recover without worrying about job-related deadlines. If it’s physical therapy, then I won’t have to weigh the cost of allowing things to heal naturally against compromising my performance at work.

 I’ll have time to devote to long neglected friendships. I can return to a regular schedule with our religious group, which are more “family” than “friends”. I know my inability to spend enough time on that part of my life has left a gaping hole…a very sad gaping hole! And, I promise, that is one of the first things I intend to heal!

 And writing…I will no longer need to weigh the pros and cons of taking the time to write and what I have to let slide do to the time constraints of a 2^nd shift schedule! And “writing” includes the long ago promised favor of editing one of my daughter’s books! (She is such a talented writer!)

 Speaking of writing, I’ve been giving that topic quite a bit of thought lately…Why do I write? What do I want to write? Am I writing because I want people to love me? Am I doing it for an “ego boost”? Am I some sort of weird exhibitionist? Do I want fame and fortune? Or do I truly want to make a difference in the world in some tiny little way?

 Almost four years ago I lost my Mother to cancer. Despite urging from multiple family members, she and my Father trustingly accepted the word of her Docs as law…as the complete answer. Towards the end, she questioned whether she should have gotten another opinion, but by then the question was a moot point.

 I’ve spoken to countless individuals who had similar experiences with less terminal illnesses. They have always been taught that Docs know, without question, what is wrong with us. Even if we fail to feel better with their treatment, then the problem is with “us” and not their diagnosis. Never mind the fact that we’ve lived inside our bodies our entire lives…they know them better than we do. (Or so they believe!)

 Perhaps it’s because I’ve always questioned everything (especially authority) but I refuse to swallow every pill or take every shot just because someone who has seen me for exactly five minutes tells me to. I know my body, and if I tell you something is definitely wrong, it’s NOT because I want your attention or your drugs. I NEED your help and expertise to assist me in becoming well. Then, if something can’t be “fixed” I need you to use your knowledge to work WITH me in finding a way to work around it.

 I would love to use the writings of others and myself to inspire and encourage people to take control of their health care…to move into the driver’s seat and stop being casual observers. Maybe that’s a lofty goal…maybe it sounds a bit ego-centric…but there’s already an ego involved somewhere to believe anyone would want to read what I’m writing anyway…*grin*



My Mother, my daughter, and me at one of my Mom's MANY "partys" before she passed away.

  And, honestly…that is the whole reason I started this blog. Not to say, “Look at me!” Not hoping to receive adoring e-mails from die-hard fans…but to let people know they have choices in the ways they choose to live their lives, both in sickness and in health.

 They have the ability…the power…to live their lives their way.

The Return of the House-Mouse

 It’s a silent, peaceful morning right now. The muted pinks and yellows of the soon-to-come sunrise are just beginning to show through the tree line. In a few minutes I’ll be outside, freezing my unmentionables off, but for now I’m warm and cozy at the table with my trusty friend Morning Coffee by my side.

 The last few days have been a blurr…but today will be a little different. Today I will have to start overcoming my some-what inflated ego when it comes to work…maybe…

 Nick and I had a long talk yesterday. We decided December 23 will be my last day at work. In my current physical state, it’s gotten to be too much! I can manage to muster enough strength to get through an eight hour shift, but nothing is left for home-life. Besides, I’m working to support a “way of life” that revolves around our two youngest going stir-crazy and me spending two full days a week on the couch…not much of a way of life...

 I am both excited and terrified! I LOVE my job! I ENJOY my job! I’m GOOD at my job! I just hate the politics and extraneous bs…And the toll it takes is too high right now. Not just on me, but on the kids and hubby as well…

 OK…I’m done justifying it to myself now…Yes, a LARGE part of myself is feeling extremely guilty…the 2^nd income is nice for easing the stress of “sole bread winner” off hubby. And the satisfaction of being able to make a machine do what I want it too is AWESOME! And…I’m feeling a bit like a quitter…

 …But my words from a few nights ago are ringing in my ears…”Company X doesn’t care about you, only about the bottom line. You have to take care of yourself…”

 So today I’ll start training my replacement. (An inferior specimen, I might add! *grin*) And do the best I can to laugh, joke and have fun while I’m doing it. The “new guy” really needs to see there are other ways to motivate people besides yelling and threatening their jobs…he needs to see helping is far better than intimidating…I guess we’ll see!

 So, off I go to shower, thaw out, and get the day under way…and do my best to shut my brain up!