|My Mom. |
Cute, wasn't she.
Growing up, I always believed my Mom was insane. Now, as an adult looking back, I still think she was nuts, but in a totally GOOD way! She was a woman who ALWAYS spoke her mind so you never had to wonder WHERE you stood with her or exactly HOW you’d screwed-up! (Thanks Mom!)
For instance…a young man once yelled at her at a Stop Sign, so she threw the car in park, got out and walked back to peck on the window he’d rolled-up in sheer panic at the red-haired (sorry, ash-blonde…according to the bottle) woman marching toward him. After she’d convinced him to at least crack the window, she asked if he was in a hurry to get somewhere and explained patience and how you should and should not speak to a Lady.
|How the heck did she|
get her hair so HUGE?
As a woman who lived with Crohn’s Disease for almost 30 years, most of them spent refusing meds and failing to avoid certain “bad” foods (she was addicted to potato chips, salads, tomatoes with skins and seeds included, and strawberries!) she had constant gas. And by gas, I mean GAS…(bad does NOT EVEN BEGIN to cover it. We’re talking clear-the-room-make-small-children-cry-peel-paint-off-the-walls-farts-of-death gas!)
|3 generations of crazy!|
Her Birthday party/
my Bridal Shower!
And grocery stores? I was an exercise in finding a clear aisle, and then executing a perfect drop-and-run! The best ones were when you’d be on the next aisle over and hear some poor, unsuspecting soul exclaim, “Oh my GAWD! What is that SMELL!?!” Yeah…that was flippin’ awesome! I mean, how many kids can say they had a Mom who dropped deadly-ass in public? (OK…how many kids besides mine?)
She was three steps BEYOND devoted to her kids and grandkids. Even though she would CONSTANTLY chew our asses, I found out years later that she NEVER missed an opportunity to brag about us in public. (Just as long as we weren’t around to hear it!)
Even near the end, she was still “herself” dealing as infuriatedly as ever with my twisted sense of humor. (She got a good laugh out of it but still threatened to beat my behind if I actually made a brown ribbon for Colon Cancer Awareness!) (Hey, if Bladder Cancer is yellow, then it made perfect sense to me!)
|Her "I'm Still Alive!" party at|
the Hospice Center.
She was home on Hospice. All of the family was over, just hangin’ with her…Dad had gone to take a cat-nap when suddenly, Mom shushed everyone. She motioned us closer as she lay there on her pillow, looking so thin and pale…like a neglected porcelain doll.
One by one, she called us in and told us how much she loved us and imparted what appeared to be her last wishes and hopes for each of us after her death. I ran and woke Dad up, so sure this was “it.”
After a tearful good-bye to the love of her life (EVERYONE was sobbing uncontrollably by this point) she relaxed into the bed, slowly closed her eyes, and let out a long, slow sigh. The sobbing now reached epic proportions…
This was about the time one pale blue eye popped open and looked around. My dear, beloved Mother then yells, “Shit! I’m still alive! It just doesn’t happen like this in the movies!”