WARNING! Extra-long, incessant rambling alert!
Much therapy ensued.
My Sophomore year of High School I spent a few months in an inpatient facility…(It seemed like a good idea at the time…) That was the Doc that slapped me with the Borderline Personality Disorder label. (Although, she never did explain what the hell that one meant.)
More therapy ensued.
Suddenly, all the pieces fit…and my wild mood swings made a bit more sense. (Then the fight REALLY began!)
I am not severe in my glitches. Meaning, TECHNICALLY I “hear” voices occasionally…but I KNOW the “voices” are just me trying to kick my own ass. They NEVER tell me to do horrible, evil things…they generally tend to stick to telling me what a looser I am and then illustrating this point by bringing up all kinds of “for instances” from my life.
I have some SERIOUS impulse control issues…meaning the cut-off switch between my brain and my mouth doesn’t work most of the time and I tend to buy things first, consider if it’s a good idea or bad idea later. (But I AM getting better at both of these things!) I also frequently battle with the difference between thinking about doing something and actually NOT doing it…
My point (yeah, I think I had one when I started) was NOT to convince people NOT to take meds. HELL NO! There are many times I question my choices and many late-night conversations with hubby about “should I or shouldn’t I.” But my past forays into that side of life have not gone well for me. I’ve been thrown into fugue states, bottomed out, and lost my ability to tell reality from the disease.
My greatest most awesome therapy is writing! (You’d be surprised how much does NOT make it onto this thing!) Words make sense to me, plus I made a deal with myself that I’ve never broken…I write only truth! (Even when the truth isn’t pretty…)
I do my best every day to funnel all the more-often-than-not chaotic energy into helping others and trying to find the best ways to love and laugh at life!
And those nasty, little internal voices that LIE? You will rarely find me without music somewhere close by. The music can drown out even the loudest mornings, if I just focus on the lyrics, notes, melodies, interplay of instruments…