"Bad Behavior" By Chris, The Fragrance Of My Life

I was thinking more
along the lines of a
HAMMER!

 Good morning! Today Chris is a very self-chastising girl. *hangs head in shame* I was very badly behaved yesterday…with a Tech-Support person…or two…*sigh*

 But seriously? I tried to be good! I tried to lighten the mood by cracking jokes! I tried to compliment the FIRST one on his patients (because, bless him! He was hanging in there!) I even tried to explain it was the situation I was angry with, not the person on the other end of the phone! Then, after 72 minutes? HE WENT TO LUNCH!!!

 Before he ditched me, he was kind enough to e-mail a nicely illustrated step-by-step instruction page from HIS TECH SUPPORT MANUAL to help me finish “correcting” the problem. And ya know what? It didn’t work!

 After repeating steps 5, 6 and 7 for another hour, I was back on the phone with another techie. *deep calming breath* After ANOTHER HOUR with her, my problem STILL was NOT fixed…and that’s when it happened…

 You see, at the end of last year I got myself a new phone (Yay me!) She wasn’t a smart phone, but I was in love with her none-the-less. I could access the web, check my e-mail, text, call, and she had a cute little key-pad for my clumsy, shaky, touch-screen-impaired fingers. She was a cute little pay-as-you-go number with a sexy red cover. We just “clicked” right away!

 Then, a few weeks later, the problems started. She got all sullen and didn’t want to interact with me. She flat-out refused to do much of anything I asked her to. She’d shut me out without a moment’s notice, becoming cold and non-responsive.



My beloved wearing her cute,
little skull-and-roses skin. *sigh*



 Our once beautiful, promising relationship was devolving to a hostage situation, with me frequently hurling hurtful words and foul-languaged insults at her (Although really? My level of creativity was pretty impressive!) Then I’d beg and plead, lovingly stroking her keys.

 Like many in bad situations, I learned to work around her moods and temper. We found a working-peace…a happy medium in our life together…until three days ago. That’s when the bitch lost her mind! LITERALLY!

 I awoke one morning to the horrible truth that she had decided she would no longer willingly access her memory for me, leaving me with nothing but a hunk of lame-ass technology where previously my beautiful phone had been. (Pardon me while I dry my eyes…I must have gotten a speck of dust in them or something…*loudly blows nose*)

 The company I purchase my air-time from (We’ll call them “AH” for “ass-hats!) was oh, so NOT helpful! It seems the company (let’s go with "SOB"…which is pretty self-explanatory) that manufactured the phone released it prematurely and EVERYONE (but me) knew it was full of “glitches”…Suddenly, I find myself standing in the shoes of the hero from “Jane Eyre” after he got his Gypsy-Bride home, only to discover she was bat-crap-crazy!

You're a pay-as-you-go
customer?

 Anyway…the question became how do we fix my beloved? “AH” will NOT help me, since I’m a lowly pay-as-you-go piece of crap-ola…just not worthy of their time. (OK, so there may also be questions of liability if they try to work on it and break it, but THAT? NOT THE POINT!) “SOB” attempted to assist me…but it was all for naught. My sweetness just wasn’t responding to their form of therapy…(Which would be a program I get to download off the internets and transfer to my phone while they talk me through it…basically? Electro-shock for cell-phones.) She’d do great through the first half, but when it came to the big finish? It would lock my computer up tighter than a drum…we’re talking forced-restart tight!

 Then came the moment of ugliness. The lady on the “SOB” end of our conversation uttered the words that sealed all our fates…”The only thing we have left to try is for you to send us your phone and we’ll try to fix it here.”

 WHAT? Part with my life, my breath, my all? Send her in…WITHOUT a replacement? (People, I am WAY too co-dependent for this crap!)

Chris-Hulk returns!

 My eyes rolled back in my head, my conscious went to its “Happy Place” while the Chris-Hulk stepped in. I wasn’t just foaming-at-the-mouth, the spittle was flying in great, sudsy-chunks as my tongue split into a forked weapon! I was like a possessed beast from a bad, B-movie…with a REALLY big vocabulary and a VERY creative way of stringing words together!

 I tried desperately to explain to her that I NEEDED my phone, I NEEDED the cute, little extra-tricks she used to do. The ability to make a phone call or text was pointless (A phone that only works like a phone? Dead to me!) because I needed the other stuff to run my Empire and continue my quest for World Media Domination!

 Then? I told the speechless woman (mainly because I hadn’t stop screaming long enough for her to get a word in edge-ways) (or possibly due to the whole “World Media Domination” thing…some people just don’t understand goals.) that I needed to go calm down (No….REALLY?), SCREAMED an apology for my rudeness (although, does it count as an apology when it’s filled with four-letter words…and screamed?), wished her a pleasant day, and hung up.

 The LOOOONNNNGGGGG and short of it is, I could justify my behavior by proudly proclaiming that people have GOT to stand-up for themselves! But the truth? I had an uber-melt-down and behaved VERY BADLY! (“Bad Behavior” by Chris…the fragrance for all the moments of your life you wish you could forget!) I might, possibly…maybe..sorta-kinda have threatened things like blog-bashing, tweet-trashing, or Facebook-smearing their company and phone in the name of justice-for-all…maybe…And I went to bed AND woke up feeling like the total ASS I had been.

 So, folks, this is my act of contrition. I’m calling myself out on this one…because there is a fine-line between standing-up for what’s right and acting like a RUDE IDIOT…and I didn’t just cross it, I left it in another county altogether!

 And my precious? Yeah…still a broken shadow of her former self. *sheds a small silent tear for what once was*

 I’m going to go sulk in a corner now…May your day be filled with no need for Tech Support and cell phones that love you and never leave you emotionally scarred! (I just don’t think I have it in me to ever love again…*sniff*)