Gratitude, Oprah, And Senior Keg-Stands!

 Good morning! According to my hubby, I am a militant, anti-gratitude, angry, preachy person! That’s right guys…apparently I stood up-on a soapbox and loudly declared, “Gratitude blows!” without even knowing it!

 It all started when I asked him to read yesterday’s post I wrote in a migraine-med fog and wanted an un-medicated opinion as to whether or not it made much sense.  

Hubby: "It makes sense, but you kinda went on a tangent."

Me: "HOW!?!...."

Hubby: "Yeah. You REALLY got on your soap box for that one, didn’t ya? You just sounded all preachy about anti-gratitude…and you hate Oprah."

Me: "Hey! Leave the whole “Oprah” argument out of this! And I was NOT preaching! I love gratitude! You missed the whole freakin’ point…"

Hubby: "That one really kinda scared me…all the yelling about “Love!” and stuff…" *all speaking stops as something “good” comes on Sports Center*

Me: *starting to yell* "I wasn’t yelling, I was being funny. Didn’t you read the funny parts?"

Hubby: "I think I missed those…but I read the whole thing. Where was the funny supposed to be? I just got that you hate gratitude and Oprah…"

Me: "I WAS MEDICATED!!!!!!"

 After that, it kinda devolved into some foul-language chaos, which to him ultimately proved he was correct in his assessment of my anti-gratitude-Oprah stance. (He views any “discussion” that ends with me having an attack of unintelligible potty-mouth as a win in his column!)

 But..I got even! You see, yesterday also happened to be my Mother-In-law’s Birthday. (I love you Nana!) We celebrated by taking her out to dinner at the half-way-mark between our towns…

 The company was great, the food wasn’t bad, and the service…blew chunks! (Not literally…that would have been gross!) At the end of our meal, (which I had spent being rather silent because I was secretly using my phone under the table to time the Server) the Manager came over to wish Nana a Happy Birthday and do the standard “good-natured ribbing of the Birthday person…who in this case is a 68 year old, retired, as-straight-laced-as-they-come Teacher.



A REALLY good sport who
does NOT look her age!
(I think our joking keeps her young!)

  He started with the whole, “Don’t party to much…” schtick…and I erased my good-behavior, brownie points by opening my mouth...

Me: “Hey Nana, isn't the Senior Ladies Quilting Group throwing you a kegger later?”

Nana: “WHAT!?!" (Realizing it's a joke but it's me...so this could get REAL "ugly" REAL quick) "Oh, yes. He...He..."

Hubby: “Oh yeah…those Ladies REALLY know how to party!”

Me: (Looking sweetly at seriously confused Manager) “You should see Nana do a keg-stand! She’s amazing!”

Huuby: “Yeah, Nana’s a pro at Beer-Pong!” (See why I love this guy?)

Nana: “Oh my…” *insert forced nervous laughter here*

Me: “Hay Nana, after you’re all buzzed, weren’t you guys gonna call the Men’s Whittling Group over for body shots?”

My Daughter: “Yeah! And then they’re gonna play Strip-Bingo!” (She takes after her Mother. I’m so proud!)

 After that? Our side of the table was falling over in the booth, scream-laughing, the Manager was completely lost as to what the hell to do with THIS, and poor Nana? I’ve never seen a woman turn so many shades of red! Blushing? NOT EVEN CLOSE!

 So you see, hubby, one lone man, may think I’m an anti-gratitude Oprah-hater, but an entire Restaurant KNOWS I’m pro Senior PAR-TAY HAR-DAY. So I win!

Vince Offer

 May your day be filled with love and GRATITDE (see honey, I’m all for it!), all of the “O” Network you choose to watch, and your Senior years filled with Jell-O shots and all the “bad” behavior your heart desires!

PS I think I just figured out how to make my millions…I’ll invent a safety harness for Senior keg-stands! I can even have the totally AWESOME ShamWow Guy sell it for me. That way? I can not only provide a much-needed service but fulfill my life-long dream of meeting the guy in person at the same time! BONUS!!!!