Good morning! First off, let me start by saying HAPPY SCLERODERMA WORLD AWARENESS DAY! (Ya know, since it’s kinda near-and-dear to my heart I just had to start out that way!)
OK, now I can say welcome to another Friday! I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to come up with an interesting subject for today’s Top Ten, but the heat is freakin frying my mind. Then it hit me! I can do a Top Ten on ways to deal with the heat…(So I’m gonna go with it, since I got nothing else…)
Top Ten Ways To Beat The Heat
Then it dawned on me that with a little duct tape and a couple bags of peas, I could fashion a bikini! (Or pea-kini?) Hey, they're cheap, reusable, and earth-friendly. What's not to like? Besides, you'll look so sexy and feel so comfortable, you'll forget you're wearing a side-dish.
|Why yes, that is a picture of|
me with a bag of frozen peas
on my hinny!
When it reaches Mars-Hot temp, I’ll hide in the bedroom, strip down to my skivvies, and pretend I’m a chillin’ dog in front of a fan. It’s cooling, it’s relaxing…it’s freeing! (Ummm…just make sure there are no cats hiding under the bed if you plan on dozing off for a while. Waking up to a cold, curious nose? Not only NOT a pleasant way to wake-up, but you’ll also be left feeling slightly violated. And to my knowledge, there are no support groups for unfortunate individuals who have been violated by cat noses.)
3) Brain freeze. I have become a big proponent of brain freeze. After all, it’s like air conditioning from the inside out! I love the gigantimous slushies (or freezes or whatever they’re flippin’ called!) because they’re big enough you can sip them slowly, achieving a minimum of an hour-long brain freeze, fooling your brain into believing you are cool! (OK, so it actually is lowering your blood temp, but I’m just not all about the science side of life today. Feel free to Google it! *lazy grin*)
4) Fan wars. Our A/C is a moody creature who suffers from continuous PMS! She works on her own schedule, frequently freezing up like a deer (or possum or raccoon…) caught in headlights. To compensate for her lack of empathy with our situation, we have multiple fans strategically placed around the house.
When the “heat is on” it becomes a dangerous game of musical chairs, to see who can get the best seat with the strongest breeze and clearest view of the TV. (I say “dangerous” because much like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, I have MY seat…and there is no help or salvation for you if you’re in it!)
Just a warning on this one…blood has been shed over this game on the hottest of days! (Usually from someone tripping over the laundry basket in their mad rush to the “fan zone,” but it’s still bloodshed!)
|My flippin' AWESOME|
It also works to help keep you cool if you strap it onto your neck instead of your face. I tell you what, with my Traveling Gnome freezey-face-mask on my neck and my frozen pea-kini, I’m a fashion statement for the ages! (Oh yeah!!!!!)
6) Do I really need to mention pools? If you got one (or access to one), then you’re a lucky bugger! Otherwise, there’s always the bathtub filled with ice water…(OK, it works…but it’s boring! I mean, how can I make jokes about pools or ice baths? …just sayin’…)
7) The refrigerator. Since the heat sky-rocketed, I have noticed a distinct rise in the number of times the offspring peruse the contents of the fridge and freezer…ALWAYS coming away empty-handed, only to return ten minutes later to again spend five minutes or so with their entire torso inside the cold box. (This one? ONLY happens when hubby isn’t home. He has “issues” with the over-use of electricity, bellowing like an irate walrus at anyone spending more than 30 seconds with the refrigerator door open.)
8) Sleep. OK, this one doesn’t “beat the heat,” but is more of an escape mechanism. It works for me! (It also works for escaping other things, like housework, laundry, arguing kids, and lectures from hubby about financial responsibility and keeping the fridge door shut.)
|You didn't think I'd let you|
leave without a picture of the
pea-kini did you? Besides,
it's as close to "nudist" as I
get. (You're welcome!)
10) Become a nudist. Hey! Clothes trap heat! No clothes equals less heat equals cooler body. (Makes perfect sense!) Also? Other will tend to stay the heck away, thus producing the added side-effect of fewer bodies, less cumulative heat. (I’m a freakin’ GENIOUS!)
…there ya have it! Ten ways you can stay a bit cooler in this *insert LONG string of VERY inventive foul language here* heat wave. (Also? It’s kind of a warning about the horrors you might find if you just happen to be in the neighborhood and drop by without calling first.)