OK, now I can say welcome to another Friday! I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to come up with an interesting subject for today’s Top Ten, but the heat is freakin frying my mind. Then it hit me! I can do a Top Ten on ways to deal with the heat…(So I’m gonna go with it, since I got nothing else…)
Top Ten Ways To Beat The Heat
1) Frozen peas! Oh yeah, you heard me…it came to me last night. You see, learning to walk the right way in Physical Therapy is a pain in the arse…(literally!) It’s calling muscles into play that have been snoozing for a while…like the muscles in my bum. So my Physical Therapist told me to ice my hinny last night. And honestly? My ice pack of choice is frozen peas...
Then it dawned on me that with a little duct tape and a couple bags of peas, I could fashion a bikini! (Or pea-kini?) Hey, they're cheap, reusable, and earth-friendly. What's not to like? Besides, you'll look so sexy and feel so comfortable, you'll forget you're wearing a side-dish.
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| Why yes, that is a picture of me with a bag of frozen peas on my hinny! |
When it reaches Mars-Hot temp, I’ll hide in the bedroom, strip down to my skivvies, and pretend I’m a chillin’ dog in front of a fan. It’s cooling, it’s relaxing…it’s freeing! (Ummm…just make sure there are no cats hiding under the bed if you plan on dozing off for a while. Waking up to a cold, curious nose? Not only NOT a pleasant way to wake-up, but you’ll also be left feeling slightly violated. And to my knowledge, there are no support groups for unfortunate individuals who have been violated by cat noses.)
3) Brain freeze. I have become a big proponent of brain freeze. After all, it’s like air conditioning from the inside out! I love the gigantimous slushies (or freezes or whatever they’re flippin’ called!) because they’re big enough you can sip them slowly, achieving a minimum of an hour-long brain freeze, fooling your brain into believing you are cool! (OK, so it actually is lowering your blood temp, but I’m just not all about the science side of life today. Feel free to Google it! *lazy grin*)
4) Fan wars. Our A/C is a moody creature who suffers from continuous PMS! She works on her own schedule, frequently freezing up like a deer (or possum or raccoon…) caught in headlights. To compensate for her lack of empathy with our situation, we have multiple fans strategically placed around the house.
When the “heat is on” it becomes a dangerous game of musical chairs, to see who can get the best seat with the strongest breeze and clearest view of the TV. (I say “dangerous” because much like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, I have MY seat…and there is no help or salvation for you if you’re in it!)
Just a warning on this one…blood has been shed over this game on the hottest of days! (Usually from someone tripping over the laundry basket in their mad rush to the “fan zone,” but it’s still bloodshed!)
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| My flippin' AWESOME freezey-face-mask! |
It also works to help keep you cool if you strap it onto your neck instead of your face. I tell you what, with my Traveling Gnome freezey-face-mask on my neck and my frozen pea-kini, I’m a fashion statement for the ages! (Oh yeah!!!!!)
6) Do I really need to mention pools? If you got one (or access to one), then you’re a lucky bugger! Otherwise, there’s always the bathtub filled with ice water…(OK, it works…but it’s boring! I mean, how can I make jokes about pools or ice baths? …just sayin’…)
7) The refrigerator. Since the heat sky-rocketed, I have noticed a distinct rise in the number of times the offspring peruse the contents of the fridge and freezer…ALWAYS coming away empty-handed, only to return ten minutes later to again spend five minutes or so with their entire torso inside the cold box. (This one? ONLY happens when hubby isn’t home. He has “issues” with the over-use of electricity, bellowing like an irate walrus at anyone spending more than 30 seconds with the refrigerator door open.)
8) Sleep. OK, this one doesn’t “beat the heat,” but is more of an escape mechanism. It works for me! (It also works for escaping other things, like housework, laundry, arguing kids, and lectures from hubby about financial responsibility and keeping the fridge door shut.)
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| You didn't think I'd let you leave without a picture of the pea-kini did you? Besides, it's as close to "nudist" as I get. (You're welcome!) |
10) Become a nudist. Hey! Clothes trap heat! No clothes equals less heat equals cooler body. (Makes perfect sense!) Also? Other will tend to stay the heck away, thus producing the added side-effect of fewer bodies, less cumulative heat. (I’m a freakin’ GENIOUS!)
…there ya have it! Ten ways you can stay a bit cooler in this *insert LONG string of VERY inventive foul language here* heat wave. (Also? It’s kind of a warning about the horrors you might find if you just happen to be in the neighborhood and drop by without calling first.)
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| The Mighty Turtle |
May your day be filled with fully-function A/C’s that make most of these unnecessary (although the “pretend you’re a dog” one can still be freeing…), lack of all fan-wars, and good, stiff breezes to help if you absolutely have to leave the house!
PS Since I am absolutely NO help with info on Scleroderma, you can visit The Scleroderma Foundation website, or The Mighty Turtle, a blog written by an amazing woman named Karen who has lived with Sclero for over 20 years. Her writing is not only filled with humor, but tons of first-hand knowledge on everything from dressing wounds to dressing for Raynaud’s!
Ok in regards to frozen peas - while pregnant with #2 during one of my many migraines I would use a bag of frozen peas to rest my head on. One time afterI drifted off to sleep the bag fell behind my headboard. I had forgot about it - two weeks later while making my bed (yes only done every two weeks or so) I found the bag of peas.
ReplyDeleteI had a momentary lapse of judgement and I smelled it. This resulted in projectile vomit.
Lesson learned - a bag of frozen peas is awesome as an icepack (conforms nicely to a head during migraines) BUT if left out for a period of time - DO NOT SMELL IT!
I fell over laughing at this! The worst I've ever managed is falling asleep and somehow busting the bag in my sleep. I woke up covered in thawed pea-goo! (OK, I really woke up to the dog trying to lick the thawed pea-goo off my stomache....)
DeleteCVS actually sells "frozen peas." They last longer, too. They're ice packs full of blue, pea sized gel thingies that do the same thing, but they stay frozen longer and come in different sizes. I have a few. Also? Those white baggie ice pack thingies that are designed for the cooler/lunch boxes work great and last FOREVER! (At least it feels that way.. they do last for hours). They're not as conforming as peas and stuff and you do have to wrap them in a towel when you first take them out of the freezer to use them, or they'll stick to you and burn you, but they're awesome.
ReplyDeleteI have seen those, but honestly? I'm cheap...$0.98 a bag and as long as they don't thaw completely, I can get about six months use out of them. *grin* (Besides, they're much more decorative for the outer-wear uses!)
DeleteAs always, you made me giggle today with this list. And that picture of the pea-kini is just great ;0)
ReplyDeleteLOL! Thanks! My daughter's comment? There are just some things you can't un-see!"
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