Good morning! Today I’m taking a stand! I’ve reached the point where I can no longer maintain my silence on a VERY important issue…namely, underwear! (Hey, it’s important to me, so its GOTTA be important to everyone, since I know I’m the voice of the masses and all…)
I could assume it’s just me that gets all worked up about these implements of torture, but I prefer to believe the problem does NOT lie with me but instead is the result of the Industry being run by guys who have never had to wear this crap! So, for this week’s Top Ten list, I’m gonna send a message to the Manufacturers of these evil pieces of supposed required-wear.
Dear Sirs and Madams, before you lay a list of all the problems with your products. PLEASE! For the love of all that is good and right in the world, hear my cries and help us to create a world where no woman ever has to opt for “freedom” in the name of comfort!
Top Ten Reasons Underwear SUCKS
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| The lovely Sclero-Bob demonstrates the "Party in the Valley of Darkness." |
1) It would seem that manufacturers are incapable of making panties that don’t ride up like they’re spelunking in my nether regions.
Seriously, isn’t the elastic in back supposed to keep that stuff in place!?! I have tried every style in existence and let me tell ya, outside of bike shorts they ALL end up holding a social gathering in the my “Valley of Darkness!”
2) IF (and I REALLY mean IF) you can find a pair that doesn’t work their way to the Valley, they cut in so tightly that they create a panty line to rival the landscape of the Blue Ridge Mountains!
(OK, dirty little secret time…) Panty lines, on me or others, is one of my BIGGEST pet-peeves! Maybe I’m odd, but I just can’t trust someone who is so unaware of their “surroundings” that they go through life with a rear view that looks like a Ruffles potato chip. (I figure they’re just not that detail oriented…)
3) Guys, those sexy little lacey numbers with the satin outter shell may look cute and all, but the problem is they just don’t make them to BREATHE!
Do you know how hard it is to look and feel sexy when you’re attempting to do the quick-twitch, hoping to move the sandpaper lining enough to get a little scratching action because certain body parts have been denied air circulation? Guys, think minor jock-itch with your hands tied behind your back. (The hands have to be tied because we all know men have absolutely NO PROBLEM scratching in public, no matter WHERE it itches!) (And just for the record, I am TOTALLY jealous of this!)
4) For years I was so desperate to end the move, pick-n-pull, adjust with the round-house hip-twitch cycle that I resorted to thongs. (Are you done laughing yet? Go right ahead. I’ll wait...) My working hypothesis was that they wouldn’t create panty-lines and at least this way there was less material to do the spelunking thing. Right? WRONG!
They do NOT make thongs designed to fit anything about a Size Toothpick. Plus? They use elastic that actually melds with belly fat, removing the possibility of any adjusting-movement when you sit, stand, or twist. What this usually ends up causing is something terribly similar to rope-burn…in your crack…
I’m fairly certain that this has removed at least a full ½ inch of skin over the years, causing crack-erosion. (That’s right; my cheeks have NOT gotten bigger! My crack has just gotten deeper.)
5) Bras are evil implements of torture! These prisons of polyester and flame retardant padding are obviously designed by adolescent males who are all about the hooters!
Lifting and separating sounds simple enough in theory, but it boils down to underwires that poke through after one wash, padding that bunches up and squashes from the under-side up, and straps that wear permanent grooves in muscle and flesh. (How fun is THAT?)
I swear, if guys had to wear bras (and sadly, I’ve seen a few who should) I can guarantee they would be a million times more comfortable!
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| Sclero-Bob again helps out by demonstrating the devastating effects of "Una-Boob." |
6) In an attempt to avoid the pokes, squishing, and grooving caused by the sexy hooter-holders, I have taken to wearing sports bras. They are much more comfortable…but my one complaint is…Una-Boob!
Yep, it seems no matter the style, brand or size, I end up a knocker-cyclops. I have resorted to wearing 2XL T-shirts of late, due to the terrifying effect of una-boob in a tank top…it just seems to “stare” at people inciting fear and unease in the young and old alike. (The middle age group? Openly stare back…inciting fear and unease in ME!)
7) Strapless bras are the Devil’s playground. Yeah, you heard me! They are the evilest of the evil! If you find one that’ll actually stay up, it cuts in so badly that your ribcage loses circulation! (I have seriously experienced blue breastacles from this. Smurf cleavage is completely NOT cool!)
And I double-dog dare you to try bending over in one! Whatever you’ve got that’s sitting so adorably on top of its foam shelf? Falls right out the top! (My wedding with my awesome strapless gown involved more than one nip-slip!)
8) Pantyhose are from my worst nightmare! These bits of leg-camouflage make me feel like a sausage stuffed in its sheer, nude colored case. And I figure when the zombie apocalypse hits, they’re gonna go after the women in pantyhose first, because they’ll think we’ll taste good on a bun with mustard and maybe a bit of sour kraut!
9) OK, if you wish to avoid pantyhose, there’s always the garter belt and stockings option. And yes, in my youth I believed they were a classy, sexy alternative to leg wear, so I wore them often. (I was a waitress and had to cover my naked legs per the Board of Health. Pfft!)
Can I just say, there are few things more distracting than trying to walk, talk, or think when your garter belt has somehow managed to work itself sideways, causing a top-down twisting effect that turns you into a human curly-Q. Or, better yet, one of the straps SNAPS!
10) Girdles! Enough said.
So Sirs and Madams, now you see why your products are in dire need of an overhaul. Yes, I want to feel “girly” and “sexy” BUT can’t you find a way for me to do it without bra-burn, crack-erosion, or looking like I’d be yummy with onions and relish?
Thanks for your time and hopefully, you’ll get this shit corrected before my current collection disintegrates and I’m forced to purchase new.
Sincerely,
Me
(Advocate of baggy shirts and long skirts that allow for stocking-free commando activity.)
