Good morning! Last night my “Bubby” called and was dropping more hints for an invite than I drop crumbs when two-fisting a bowl of milk-less Captain Crunch! *guilty sigh* And I pretty much side-stepped every one. (Oh! The GUILT!)
|Yes, when I'm feeling |
rough, I will reuse pics.
Deal with it!
You’re probably wondering why I didn’t just invite him over if I was gonna spend the next 24 hours wallowing in self-loathing, feeling guilty? Because I felt like crap-on-toast…that’s why! (I kinda “pushed” myself past the point of smart-i-tude at Physical Therapy yesterday. My bad!) Personally, I absolutely HATE telling people I’m feeling extra-non-crispy on “bad” days, so I tend to play the avoidance game.
BUT *drum roll* since today is Top Ten day, I thought maybe I could take a step toward ending the guilt and create a list of reasons it’s not a good idea for someone to come over…
Top Ten Reasons You’re NOT Getting An Invite…
1) “I’m sorry, but I have an abduction scheduled for later this evening and due to the chance of anal probing, I REALLY need to do a colon cleanse. I mean, I really hate it when they probe and I’m all backed-up. It’s just such a mess and so BEYOND embarrassing!”
2) “I’m REALLY sorry, but I was mauled by a bear earlier today and was thinking I might want to head to the ER and see about getting my arm reattached. If I’m done early enough, I’ll give you a call and we can get together then.”
|The Rockettes with |
US Navy Sailors.
3) “I’d love to hang out, but I auditioned for the Rockettes earlier today and I think I pulled a hamstring when I did the last round of high kicks and need to spend the evening quasi-naked, icing my butt-cheek. Maybe tomorrow?”
4) “I’m so sorry! I didn’t know anyone was gonna call and got myself sloppy-drunk. I’m just about ready to hit the “drunk-dialing ex’s from college” phase and crying about where it all went wrong and how I probably ruined my life by not getting a degree. If you wanna man the internet to help me find their numbers, I might be able to use you. Otherwise…”
5) “Man! I had no idea you were free tonight! You see, I got a REALLY bad bikini-wax a few days ago and was in the middle of exfoliating my nether regions trying to get rid of all these clogged follicles. Maybe tomorrow? Although, I may still be walking funny…”
6) “Shoot! You know, like…if I’d KNOWN you was gonna call…Umm…I think I accidentally took my…I think 3:00PM meds at, like…6:00PM? Maybe it was, like…the other way around? All I know…I am so TOTALLY…Ummm…fried? GOAT CHEESE!”
7) Don’t say a word…just fake falling asleep during conversation and bribe Spouse or offspring to take the phone and make TONS of apologies on your behalf.
8) “…Hold on a minute…DUDE! I friggin’ SWEAR I just saw Bigfoot outside! Seriously! Oh crap…he’s breaking in!...Wait! WAIT! Uuuuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!......” Hang up after primal scream and fail to answer the phone the rest of the night. (Although, there’s a slight chance this one could back-fire a bit and result in a visit from the Police, who were called by panicked friend when you failed to answer their repeated calls. Use at your own discretion.)
9) “My Therapist told me I needed to get in touch with my inner child so I’m planning on spending the evening in a diaper, playing with dolls, and watching Barney. Hubby’s refusing to “change me” so if you wanted to do that, you’re welcome…Maybe tomorrow would be better?”
I know, I know. That last one was kinda boring, but all in all, probably the best way to go. (Although, #1 is STILL my favorite!)
May you day be filled with absolutely no reason to use any of these excuses and tons of good laughter and good food with good friends and family!