Good morning! Hey, guess what? It’s FRIDAY!!! I could say that means the weekend or that it’s pay-day or something, but really? The best thing about Friday is it’s Top Ten day. Oh yeah!
So, since my creativity is otherwise engaged in figuring out ways to avoid doing any real work around the house, I’ll just dive right on in…
(Note: The horrendous, unbelievable events that are about to be related are all true. Only the names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent. Please, do not attempt any of these at home, since it could probably result in some REALLY bad shiz-nit goin’ down!)
Top Ten Stupid Things I Was Witness To This Week:
1) My youngest, The Boy, has been at it again! He twisted his ankle and it ONLY took me five flippin’ days to convince him to wear an ankle brace. Of course, it’s one of those thick, foam-y, cushy braces that make your foot sweat like Scrooge on Tax Day!
Yesterday I was “lucky” enough to witness him chasing his sister, The Girl, all around the house. She was screaming and mumbling incoherently on a frequency that made dogs beg for mercy. I gimped over to investigate this Tom-and-Jerry-like activity only to hear her brother repeatedly begging, “Sissy, smell my feet! They REEK! Smell them…SMEEELLLLL THEEEEEEMMMMMMM!!!!!!” All this while hopping on one foot, holding the stinky-brace in one hand, and the offending foot in the other. (Yes, this IS a normal occurrence in my life!)
My final judgement when asked to intervene of The Girl's behalf? “Sorry, Sis, but the gauntlet of ‘come smell me’ has been tossed down. You’re on your own…”
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| The Girl and Sclero Bob recreate the Trucker guy's HAIR-Y arm for your viewing enjoyment. |
2) My Explorer is in the shop, so my oldest has been playing chauffeur quite a bit. He was a little shocked by my tendency to look at passing Truckers as we sped at 80 to 90 miles an hour up the Highway. (If you’re an Officer in the State of Indiana, I’m lying…it was only 70mph!)
(OK, I don’t just look, I keep a running commentary. Whatever!) It was all fun-and-games until we passed one Semi that caused me to scream and try to climb under the passenger seat. As my oldest swerved and looked for dead bodies in the road, (what else could have caused my screaming) he was shocked to hear my constant diatribe about the Truck driver we’d passed having more jet-black hair on his shoulders that I have on my head.
Seriously folks, this guy had freakin’ BABOON arms! I could have braided the stuff in cornrows…and he was wearing a muscle shirt! If the window had been down, the stuff would have blown in his EYES! Hair Club For Men? Yeah...conquering new territory with this guy, or maybe stalking him for tips. Either way? It was just WRONG! *deep calming breath*
3) There are some lessons in driving a young adult simply cannot get from Driver’s Ed. Rules of the road and proper etiquette when dealing with RUDE and INCONSIDERATE drivers is one of those lessons. So, being the GREAT and giving Mother I am, I do my best to make sure my offspring are well prepared for any situation. Enter the Shake-N-Take.
Any Offensive Driver knows the Shake-N-Take. This is the maneuver used when an obnoxious driver cuts you off on the interstate, causing dangerous swerving and breaking on your part. It begins with profuse swearing as you diligently work to right your vehicle.
Then the “challenge” phase begins when you are using your “colorful” vocabulary to issue all manner of, “You want a piece of me!?!” statements to the offender as he speeds on his merry way.
It's rounded-out with the Coupe de Grâce; drive with elbow while raising left hand out the Driver’s side window and administering the “one-finger-salute.” The right hand is simultaneously grabbing the groin area and perpetrating a shaking motion while driver pleasantly screams, “Take THIS Mother Fudge-knocker!” Hence the term, “Shake-N-Take”
My daughter did question me on my form with, “Um…Mom? Wouldn’t that be more effective if you actually HAD something to shake?”
After some thought and further discussion, it was determined that, “Hey, a metaphorical sack-shake has to count for something.” Hence, I emerged with my form intact.
(This one was so AWESOME it’s actually gonna count for items 3-6. That and I’m lazy today…So sue me!)
7) (This one? Just happened. I CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIZ-NIT UP!!!) My oldest son just read something off the internet. All I heard was, “That thing is like a robot testicle.” He then looked at me and said, “That sounds like something you’d say!” My daughter concurred.
I SWEAR! I’ve NEVER spoken of robot genitals…in the last week or so…
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| It's a HIP! Mystery solved. |
8) The evening of Zappy’s big web debut, an hour long discussion ensued as to whether or not I had displayed my actual butt, what constituted a butt-shot, if Zappy had actually “touched” my butt, and whether or not Zappy’s creation was just down-right “gross.”
Yes folks, it would seem that my entire family was slightly incensed at the thought of prim-and-proper Mom (STOP laughing! It’s called artistic license. GEEZE!) sharing any of the “family goods” with the world. (I swear, it was just my pudgy HIP!)
9) I awoke one morning to discover we were out of milk and I was craving cereal. Knowing I am FAR too lazy to don proper attire (like actual non-jammie pants and a bra) to drive three minutes to the store, I was forced to think “outside the box.” The facts were; I had at my disposal Cocoa Crispies and coffee, I know I dig mocha java yumminess, and I also drink coffee while eating my cereal. Solution; I ate my Cocoa Crispies with coffee on them. I am not ashamed of this and it was delicious! (The heartburn? TOTALLY worth it!)
10) My husband is not only a proud “user” of Duck Tape, but has turned it into a friggin’ RELIGION! And better yet, he’s initiated our sons into the Cult of the Duck.
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| We are the proud owners of a vast array of Duck Tape. Hey, you just never know when Zebra print will come in handy! |
Once a member you are free to use Duck Tape to fix ANY-THING, such as but not limited to; favorite pair of jeans torn? Duck it! Sprained ankle? Duck it! Cut your finger open while chopping veggies? Duck it! Window leaks? Duck it! (I have even seen one of the boys who shall remain nameless [the youngest] use Duck Tape to remove unwanted body hair!)
And once you become REALLY accomplished at “fixing things” with the Duck, you can attempt stuff like repairing a torn seam or ripped pocket by first stapling it together THEN covering the poke-y staples with Duck Tape. That my friends? Is thinking on your feet!
There ya have it, my cheater-shortened Top Ten.
May your day be filled with enough laughter to drown out any inconsiderate drivers-yelling-horrible-things-while-making-obscene-hand-gestures that you may encounter in your merry travels today!
