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| I'd like to see them get through THIS! |
Good morning! I am under attack…it’s like I’m living in a REALLY bad B movie. I am surrounded by freakin’ spiders and they’re currently working on seeing how many of their little friends they need to call in to make me crack.
Seriously, I am NOT afraid of spiders. I really kinda dig ‘em, since they tend to eat the buggies I do hold a certain “aversion” to. (read “aversion” as “lose my shiz-nit when they cross my path”) I have a live-and-let-live and a capture-and-release policy with my eight-legged house mates.
But lately, they’ve forgotten their rightful place in the natural order of my house…or they’ve just gotten REALLY bored! It’s become a normal part of my morning routine to trip down the hallway, ending up wrapped in over-night webs. I then become enmeshed in another in the bathroom…and in the dining room…and the kitchen…and the stairwell…
By the time I get to my coffee, I’m a whirling dervish of waving arms, hands freakin’ brushing-grasping-throwing in futile attempts to shake off the micro-spun glue. Then comes the, “Did I just feel something crawling on my head or the back of my neck!?!” phase where I repeat the mini-freak-out-attempted-removal process. *sigh*
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| I TOLD you they were pointing and laughing at me! |
And all the while I can feel the little ass-hats watching and snickering their derisive spider-giggles at me! What have I ever done to these guys besides let them live rent-free and unmolested in my house? Now they’re suddenly playing the "Screw with the Dumb Broad" game?
Two days ago, as I innocently sat typing at my dining room table, one even had the audacity to slowly descend from the chandelier and perch upon my keyboard. That was when I informed it that since we hadn’t been properly introduced and I remembered from Science class that the combination of black and red stripes in Nature meant, “Not your friend,” if it didn’t scoot NOW, it would be squishified. (I KNOW I heard a Snidely Whiplash laugh as it slid back up to the chandelier…Stupid, smart-ass spider.)
Yesterday I even caught one pointing me out to its neighbors on the other side of the kitchen, front leg raised while its little arachnid face squinched-up in a silent laugh at my expense…right before it JUMPED at me! (J-U-M-P-E-D AT ME!!!)
I hate to consider eradication but…wait, I just got a TOTALLY FREAKIN’ SWEET IDEA! Maybe if I can dust off the spinning wheel and spend the day spinning, I can convince them I’m their Queen. YES! Since they’ve obviously developed hyper-intelligence, I could gather and mold them into a spider army. *insert excited giggle here* (Or creepy maniacal giggle. Your choice.)
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| One wheel to rule them all...one wheel to bind them... (I am SUCH a GEEK!) |
I could order them to build me a cool web-hammock in which they would carry me around all day. (No more worry about Zombie shuffle.) Plus? Shopping would be a breeze! No more waiting in line…(I mean, wouldn’t you get the heck outta the way if you saw a chick being carried by a spider army heading for you?) No more reaching for stuff on the top shelf, ‘cause they could just hook it with their webs.
Dude, I’d be like Spider-Man without the mutation stuff or the spandex! (Seriously? NO ONE wants me in spandex…the spandex doesn’t even want me in spandex!)
They could spin lovely webs to replace the screens the cats have trashed, they’d be tasked with spinning extra corner storage space to accommodate my genetically-inherited hording tendencies, and I wouldn’t have to worry about cleaning my sheets or making my bed ‘cause they could just spin me new ones…2000 count spider-silk sheets…
…Or they could rise-up as I sleep and spin me in a cocoon to silence my Dictatorial demands…
OK, maybe eradication should go back on the table.
May your day be filled with creepy-crawlies that know their proper place (outside) and don’t point and laugh at you! (Now…fly-swatter. Where did I leave the friggin’ fly-swatter…)
