Good morning! Olympics. Yes...I am evil, UN-American and just no darned fun. Why? Because I *gasp* don't watch them. I'm sorry guys, but the closest I ever got to being a sports fan was marrying a guy who wrestled through college. (Please, stop yelling at me!I'm really not a bad person.)
Besides, hubby’s been watching nightly (complaining about the lack of wrestling coverage) and I’ve been reading next to him so I can still look up at a particularly impressive feat of the human body or spirit. (See? I'm not TOTALLY evil.) We're hanging out together, I'm reading peacefully, and I don’t talk to him while he’s watching sports. (Which, next to me, is the great love of his life.)
So last Sunday, while catching up on blog reading, I came across a hilarious post at “The Neurosis Files” by June O’Hara called “My Olympian Life”. In it she detailed not only her thoughts on the Uniforms, but also a few events she’d like to see. (One of which was Synchronized Golf. YES PLEASE!)
So I hope Ms. O’Hara doesn’t mind, but ‘m gonna borrow her idea and try to make up for not watching by making today's Top Ten list all about the Olympics!
Top Ten Olympic Events I'd Actually Watch:
1) I LOVED her idea about Synchronized Golf, but for YEARS I’ve been begging for Extreme Golf. Oh yeah, just picture it…the athletes would wear light padding, since tackling, shoulder checks, and blocking would be allowed.
Heck, give the guys who aren’t currently at the tee a catcher’s mitt and see if they can jump high enough to catch the ball upon the swing! Tackling would be perfectly legal as long as you caught the guy on the backswing…and the “no blood, no foul” rule would be in effect.
I would SO watch golf played like this! And not even fall asleep…
2) For any of you who have ever worked in the restaurant industry, you’ll see the beauty of this next one…Olympic Grill Cooking!
Having lived way too long in Indianapolis and worked too many years in the industry, I can tell you the setting for the competition…Friday Night Rush during Indy 500 Race weekend! Yeah, baby…
Five man competition; Meat, Mid, Fry station, Expo, and Runner…Let the freakin’ games begin and may the Powers That Be help you if you over or under cook a steak! (I’m sweating and getting a knot in my stomach just thinking about it…)
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| Three of your fiercest competitors! Don't let thier cuteness fool you, they're RELENTLESS! |
3) (This one just came to me as I’m doing battle with the kitten who is of the opinion my breakfast should be hers.) Olympic Cat Tossing. Competitors must keep three separate cats from eating their yummy meal.
They would be judged on how gently they could toss the cats off the table, with distance and cat landing on its feet figuring into their overall score. Also? Number of times stupid cat returns for another try. *sigh*
4) The Family Mealtime event would be my personal favorite. The parameters would be as follows; Mom serves meal, places serving bowls on counter, then attempts to eat as much of her meal as possible before it grows cold.
This is done as hubby and offspring hoover the food on their plates and ask for refills, condiments not placed on table, more drink to wash down food they’re OBVIOUSLY not taking the time to chew, and more than likely spill crap everywhere requiring Mom to get up from her meal and clean it up.
Points would be deducted for colorful language, grumbling, or use of the phrase, “God gave you two legs, get up and get it yourself!”
5) The Remote Fetch competition would follow Family Mealtime. (Or…it could be part of a triathlon including the Cat Tossing event…BONUS!)
Hubby is placed in favorite chair with full belly, a foot rest, and a beer. Remote control is placed approximately six inches away from his free hand. Competitor is placed at a Kitchen sink with the goal of cleaning the dishes from the previous event before the food dries on to the point a sand blaster is required to remove it. Hubby then bellows, “Honey! Have you seen the remote!?!”
Competitor is judged on swiftness of silencing hubby’s calls, ability to maintain a pleasant smile, and completely drying hands before touching remote.
Points deducted if hubby is heard to utter, “What the heck? You got it all wet!” Points also lost for any and all heavy sighs and disqualification will occur if athlete says, “Good grief, it’s right by your hand! Just reach over and get the damned thing.”
6) The Telephone High-Jump event. In this challenge, the cordless phone is ringing with the answering machine set to pick-up after four rings. Competitor must locate and answer phone before the fourth ring is completed while simultaneously leaping offspring-placed obstacles and homicidal animals that dart in his or her path. Good luck!
7) Bathroom Sprint…This is a six man relay event. Competitors all drink a two liter of their favorite soda and eat half a greasy, gas-and-squirt inducing pizza. Each team is then placed a room with one bathroom.
The goal is for each competitor to manage to facilitate without any hitting the floor, furniture, their clothing, or themselves. Points will be deducted if any fighting, tripping, screaming, or crying is used. This is obviously an endurance event.
OK, hubby REALLY got into today’s list and insisted on helping. I promised I would include his ideas…(Sorry guys, but I gotta live with him and he gets the most pathetic puppy-dog face when he’s disappointed. I HAD to!)
So, we’re gonna call this one the Frat Boy Division. (Read on with caution…You’ve been warned.)
8) Co-Ed Naked Wrestling. Enough said.
9) A Triathlon and/or Heptathlon of a married/consenting adult nature. (Like I said, I PROMISED!)
10) Beer Can Stacking. Yep, athletes would be required to empty said cans first, then form a pyramid with the empties. Judged on speed, dexterity, and ability to hold their booze. Points deducted for horking, passing out, or toppling already stacked cans. If use of a Paramedic or stomach-pumping is required, athlete will be disqualified.
There ya have it. I’m telling you, if they included some of these, I might be more inclined to watch. Also? I might actually be able to compete! And trust me on this…the people who train for most of these events every day, SHOULD be considered athletes!
Good luck to all the men and women who are competing this year, putting their hearts and souls into their sport, and much love to the unsung day-to-day athletes of the World. May your guy's day be filled with the thrill of victory and seriously lacking in the agony of defeat!
