Good morning! Throughout history people have found ever more technical ways to answer the question, “What’s the temperature today?”
First there was the “just go outside and check it out” approach. Then, with the advent of permanent shelter, they discovered the “stick a hand out the window” trick, thus sparing their entire the body the shock of the elements.
Further up the Timeline, some genius somewhere snagged the idea of the thermometer, so all we had to do was look out the window, as opposed to actually opening it. But for those of us too myopic to see the darned thing hanging on the tree in the front yard, I give you…the Bloatometer!
|My uber-sexy bee-sting|
lips. Thank you, Bloat-Dex!
That’s right folks! There are those among us who are literally walking temperature and humidity gauges, thanks to some freakish turn of Nature. In a climate-controlled environment, we are impossible to spot. But, toss us out into the heat of the elements and you can actually see out joints and fleshy-parts expanding in direct proportion to the levels of heat and humidity present!
I was kinda impressed yesterday, not realizing how hot it had gotten during my day-long refusal to leave the house, until I had to make a bird food run. Ten minutes in an un-air-conditioned car, and I was looking like something from an Austin Powers movie! My crooked little fingers had turned into skin-toned Vienna sausages, my eyelids looked like I’d just left Fight Club, and my ankles? GONE!
The coolest part was when I took a drink of my soda and can-met-mouth seconds before my anticipated distance-to-drink ratio. I glanced in the rear-view mirror only to discover I now had amazing, pouty, bee-sting Angelina Jolie lips! (Hellz yeah!) (Of course, my face also looked like a moon pie, but that is so NOT the point!)
This swellage continued throughout my trip…Although I noted after I got back home to my beloved A/C, that as my core cooled the bloat also receded. (I swear, A/C unit…I’ll NEVER trash-talk you again. It’s just gonna be you and me baby, all the way!) That was when I realized I was a human Bloatometer, capable of gauging the hellish temps and ambient humidity by how much added girth decided to put in an appearance.
Being the curious person I am, I’m now wondering how many others there are out there, silently living in fear of the point-and-laugh reaction from those who fail to see the wonder of our gift. (I’m also currently wondering if I used a hairdryer to focus the heat on my mouth if I could recreate the Jolie-lips without my entire face turning into the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man…)
How many others are there that are forced to wear elastic-waited britches so when the bloat hits, they’re not cut in twain by the unyielding waistbands of blue jeans? (Yeah, I made THAT mistake yesterday too.)
How many other live in confused fear, worried that if the heat hit its highpoint and we were accidently locked out of our house, would we continue to swell until we simply exploded in a watery SPLAT? (And why hasn’t Science addressed this concern!?! Damn it, I want funding.)
|Maybe it's a hot dog...|
and maybe I put it back in the
fridge..and .maybe not.
Bloat-Brothers and Swellin’-Sisters, know that you’re not alone. Know that we are the gifted few and one day…one FINE day, we will be honored for the wonders of Nature that we truly are and peope will look reverently at us and say, “Hey, what’s the Swellage-Index for today?” (Or possibly the Bloat-dex? I'll work on that one...)
Meanwhile…I’m seriously considering investing in a pressurized, cooling suit to wear during the Summer from now on. (Of course, it’d have to have an opening to stick my lips through…screw lip injections, all I need is Indiana weather!)
May your day be filled with comfortable clothes, low humidity, and all the climate-control your heart (and joints) desires!