Thursday, September 13, 2012

Mother N Needs Midol!

She just LOOKS like
 she needs a Midol!

Dear Mother Nature,
  First off, let me just say I’m a HUGE fan of your work! The Spring flowers, Summer greens, Autumn colors, and peaceful Winter whites. It’s all so beautiful and amazing!
  Lately however, some of my friends and I have noticed you’ve sort of gotten a bit off track. Your high and low pressure areas have REALLY been playing havoc with us people hanging out on your canvas. Joints swell, muscles ache, and heads throb.
  We understand you’ve been under a LOT of pressure, what with all the weather guys using newer technology to keep an ever closer eye on you, but I was thinking you might want to try Valium or Clozapine to help with the pressure and anxiety. (I’ve never used them, but have friends that swear by the things.)
  Thanks for your time and the best of luck for a RELAXED season!

Dear Human,
  Umm, yeah. Thanks for being such a “fan girl.” That’s EXACTLY what I needed!
  So sorry to hear about your little achy joints and all, but I’ve been a wee bit busy managing the weather patterns for the ENTIRE GLOBE. Seems I accidently overlooked making sure you’re oh, so comfortable! I assure you; I’ll just try and do better.
  And can I just point out, you don’t know the MEANING of the word pressure! Day in, day out, making sure everything everywhere goes off without a hitch, and what friggin’ thanks do I get? I create beautiful Spring flowers for Mother’s Day and do you see any of my kids bringing ME flowers? Everyone wants roses for their Valentine (which are TOTALLY hot house grown, so I have NOTHING to do with any inferior quality issues!) Do you see anyone bringing me flowers?
  White Christmases, sunny Labor Days…where’s my “Thanks”? What, I get Earth Day? What do you people do for Earth Day anyway? Plant friggin’ trees I gotta take care and nurture year ‘round!
  When’s my darned day off, girly? Yeah…that’s what I thought.
  In closing, sorry for YOUR discomfort and I’ll TRY to do better.
Mother N

Dear Angry, Bitter Hag Mother Nature,
  I’m sorry to hear about how hard it is to do your job. I didn’t realize how much stress you’ve been under. I retract my earlier statement about the Valium and such. Instead, might I suggest Midol and a stiff Tequila shooter?

Dear Nosey Butt-In-Ski Human,
Can we impeach Mother N
and replace her with her
daughter? She just
looks so much NICER!
Mother N

Dear, Bitchy Crank-Pot Mother Nature,
  How about my friends and I spring for a trip to a Spa where you can be pampered like the Goddess you OBVIOUSLY are, a make-over and a candle light dinner for two. (I hear Father Time isn’t seeing anyone right now.)
  You can place the weather on auto pilot for the day (nice, mild mid 50’s at night, low 70’s with LOW humidity in the day. No one would mind, I promise!)
  I now realize that you work so hard for all of us and we utterly fail to give you the respect you so richly deserve. Please accept my humble apologies and our gift as the smallest token of our appreciation! (And I PROMISE! I will NOT plant a tree on Earth Day this year. Instead, I’ll leave a deluxe assortment of Godiva Chocolates in the forest clearing for you.)
  With the best of wishes,

  Father Time? Have you SEEN that guy? Talk about old and wrinkly. Plus, he’s COMPLETELY obsessed with his stupid schedule.
  Make it Elvis and you got a deal! (Now THERE’S a guy who knows how to woo a Lady! And those HIPS!)
Mother N

Mother Nature,
  Umm…Elivs is sort of dead. Sorry.

  Justin Beiber?
Mother N

Mother Nature,
  You know what? You’re just WRONG!
  Forget the whole thing. I’ll just use a heating pad and Advil.
PS Father Time said you were too unpredictable and bitchy to go out with anyway!

  Sorry guys. I tried, but that woman is simply impossible! Hope your joints and muscles get past the aches quickly!

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