Good morning! There are always going to be reality-checks you have no desire to cash, plain and simple. Personally, my favorite way of dealing with them is to pretend they don’t exist. But sometimes? It’s better just to face the damned thing and get it over with.
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| As R.E.M. so eloquently put it, "Everybody hurts... sometimes." |
Maybe it was the grey skies I awoke to yesterday. Maybe it was the splitting headache. Maybe it was the chaotic catastrophe the interior of my home has become. Maybe it was the leaning tower of unpaid bills perched precariously on the window sill. Maybe it was the minus sign sitting smugly in front of my checking account balance. Most likely, it was all of it piled on top of each other that culminated in the deep funk I found myself in by mid-afternoon.
I try desperately to live my life by a few simple rules; 1) Be present in the moment. 2) It’s better to laugh than to cry. 3) Everything is as it should be.
But here’s the interesting thing, being present in the moment isn’t all it’s cracked up to be when that moment is watching the guy read the meter on your water, and you’re not really sure if he’s JUST reading the meter until he leaves and you RUN to the sink to see if anything still comes out.
I do believe it’s better to laugh, but the stupid Electric Company doesn’t take jokes or funny stories as payment. And sitting in a dark house? I’m still working on how to make that one REALLY funny!
“Everything is as it should be.” This is a comfort when I wake up and things on the ole bod aren’t working. I expect it to be like that, so everything’s golden! But, that negative balance bit? I REALLY don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be. (The Bank concurs on this sentiment.)
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| This? Doesn't include negative Checking Account balances. |
A person can work hard every day to be happy, to find the positive in life and the things to be grateful for. But nobody (and I mean NOBODY!) can be “up” all the time without some SERIOUS drugs! There are things in life, especially life with a chronic illness, that are going to weigh down your heart, your soul, and your mind.
Did you know that statistically the #3 reason couples fight is money? That also tends to be the biggest stressor in most people’s lives. Now, add not feeling well into the mix (health concerns, #2 major stressor in people’s lives) with a pinch of feeling isolated and misunderstood, and a smidgeon of our habit as humans to keep all this crap bottled up inside ourselves (lack of communication, at the top of that list of why couples fight) and you just baked a recipe for disaster in your personal life!
I have been stubborn in our family financial matters. I knew we were making it (barely) on one paycheck before I returned to work. We were doing GREAT with two, but my body decided I was no longer capable of maintaining a 40 hour a week work schedule. Hubby was amazingly understanding, assuring me we’d be fine, so last December I quit.
What neither of us thought about was we were now going to be faced with half the money coming in and twice the money going out. (I’m here to tell ya folks, even with good insurance, our share of the medical bills, our co-pay on meds, and the gas to get to and from appointments is STAGGERING!)
My pride has been tripping me up almost as much as my malfunctioning muscles have when it comes to asking for help. Then, as if it was some kind of Universal wake-up smack up-side-the-head, The Mighty Turtle re-ran an old post “Paying People To Stay At Home” today about just that, pride and applying for Disability Benefits. *sigh*
I want you to understand, I’m not writing this today for sympathy. I’m not looking for offers of help. I’m writing this because things get tough for everyone. And there are too many times we may think or feel we’re all alone in the “more going out than coming in” boat. Instead of talking to someone or reaching out for help, we slap on the perma-smile, blithely tell our friends, “I’m doing great!” and allow things to fester into a putrid case of depression.
Society seems to tell us without words that it’s shameful to ask for help, especially in the form of SSD, or that we’re total failures if we can’t magically pull cash out of the left side of our asses to pay our bills. But Society is a lying bitch!
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| The thing about grey skies? The Sun has to come back out sometime! |
Today I will take a deep breath and follow the link at the bottom of this post to start the more than likely long process of seeking the financial assistance my family needs to stay afloat. I’ll talk to the hubby about my concerns and the things that are scaring the CRAP outta me. I’ll annoy the be-jeepers out of his macho-ness until he does the same with me. (The talking part, hopefully not the annoying bit.)
I may be a little sad about the process…but that’s as it should be. Not sad about asking for help, but a little sad because this will mark a milestone in my life. A distinct turning point when I admit to myself that so many things have changed…and some things there are no going back to.
And that? Is also just another part of life. Maybe this isn’t the life my teen-age-self envisioned me living, but it’s the life I have and damn it, I’m gonna live it to the fullest extent of my being! (Even if I may need a bit of help now and again to do it. *grin*)
Here are just a few sites I found this morning that some of you may find helpful!
Invisible Disabilities Association “Where to Begin Finding Help During Chronic Illness”
PBS-Who Cares: Chronic Illness In America—Resources
