Good morning! Ok…afternoon. Today I woke up dry, empty, drawing a total BLANK! But wait; there was still hope for a Top Ten list. Today was grocery day after all and Wal-Mart had never failed to provide something that cracked me up. Once again, it didn’t fail to deliver!
I was beginning to grow concerned when we started heading for the check-out and the weirdest thing I’d seen was a pencil with a golf ball on top that turned out to be a woman in DIRE need of a cheeseburger. (For the record, NOT funny at ALL! Just plain SAD.)
Then, while waiting in the check-out line, I struck gold. (GOLD I tell ya!) The lady in front of us was…wrong. That’s just the best way I can put it. WRONG!
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| I cannot even make the face I saw in front of me! |
She was being very kind and helpful by placing the blue plastic divider on the belt for me so I smiled and thanked her. That’s when IT happened. She whipped her head around and said, “YOU’REWELCOME!” causing me to darn near wet down my leg.
I slowly and quietly, so as not to startle the nice Lady, slipped my phone out of my pocket and sent my daughter the following message, “Remind me. Top 10 signs you might be taking your kid’s Ritalin.”
And just like that, I had this week’s list. (And just in case you’re insulted by any of these, please allow me to say, “You might want to switch to decaf!”)
Top Ten Signs You Might Be Taking Your Kid’s Ritalin (or You May Need To Switch To Decaf):
1) You’re thrashing to Billy Joel’s “Piano Man.”
Yep, the song that the Music Muses designed to be enjoyed while swaying shoulder-to-shoulder with a raised beverage mug in the air. THAT one.
If you are dancing like you have an electric cattle-prod lodged up your…yeah…you just may want to switch to decaf! (It would have been perfectly acceptable had it been Brittany Spears or Beyoncé, but NOT the Piano Man!)
2) Your movements are jerkier and creepier than a Disney Auto matron!
I don’t even have words for this one. It was like watching stop-motion animation done by a newbie. (Would you call that stop-and-go-motion animation?)
3) Your eyes are so bugged-out; they stick out farther than your nose!
It was like the ghost of the totally awesome Marty Feldman times two. And I’m not entirely sure, since I had to turn away quickly lest she sensed my fear and moved in for the kill, but I think the pupils may have been dilated to the point the irises ceased to exist. NOT normal peoples!
4) You’re vibrating more than an adult “toy.”
Yeah, I could have gone with “washing machine stuck on spin cycle” but where, I ask you, would have been the fun in THAT?
5) You exhibit the kind of perkiness than demands to be punished.
Now, I’m a live-and-let-live kinda gal. (STOP laughing!) But there are limits to the amount of “perk” the law should allow to be displayed in public settings. And the desperate housewife in front of me? Had by-passed “misdemeanor” and gone straight for “Federal Offense punishable by Valium” territory! (I was afraid. VERY afraid!)
6) You’re drumming so fast and furious with your lacquered red, manicured dagger-nails that it sounds like an AK-47 going off!
I probably ducked three separate times thinking a disgruntled former-employee had opened fire, only to notice on my way back to a standing position that the nice Lady was nervously (understatement of the year) drumming her nails on the credit card swipe-y thing while awaiting her total.
Again, maybe you should consider decaf!
7) You’re smiling so big that your Gary Busy teeth have dried out leaving you looking like a grave-deprived ghoul!
The Cheshire Cat after a hit of bad acid could NOT have possessed a creepier smile than the one Susie-Speedy kept turning my way. Just sayin’…
8) You’re flipping your shoulder length pixie cut to the point it’s beginning to look like a free-for-all on choppy seas!
I’m just glad her hair was short. Had it been Crystal Gayle long and whipping around like that? Someone (read as “me”) could have been beheaded by that stuff. (OK, maybe not exactly beheaded, but most definitely seriously injured!)
9) When you speak, it’s more like all caps, auditory projectile vomiting than actual words.
The chatty trainee manning the register finally stopped talking. Every time the Lady answered the cashier would visibly flinch from the words that were so bold-faced they had an actual physical presence!
10) Squirrel from Ice Age on triple-strength espresso with a side order of crack. Enough said!
Thank you Wal-Mart, for being THAT place where I can always go for not only entertainment but also for inspiration! I know in my heart of hearts Sam would be proud!
