What in the name of moldy cheese is a flare-wolf? *evil grin* In this case, it would be a cranky she-beast-of-a-ball-of-hormones mixed with several handfuls of migrating hair, uncooperative muscles, and an insatiable craving for meat. No, chocolate. No, meat…chocolate covered meat?
The flare-wolf can be found in its native habitat burrowing under various blankets on couches or buried under piles of comforters in warm beds around the world. You can recognize the beastie by its unintelligible growl in answer to any pleasant question posed in its presence.
Silver bullets, crosses, and holy water are useless against this terrifying creature. Your best defense is chocolate, the more decadent the better. (And possibly extra crispy bacon.) Completely UN-healthy fast food can occasionally be used to temporarily distract the females of the species. But be warned, the use of this ploy usually provides only a temporary respite, followed by a mad howling of guilt over ingesting greasy, fattening food.
All things considered, chocolate is by far your best option, especially when left as an offering with a favorite book or DVD. (Instructions: Gently and quietly place food item and book or movie at foot of bed or couch and SLOWLY back away. Any sudden movement can bring on a fit of freak-out-i-tude, thus negating any beneficial effects of your offering.)
Never question the flare-wolf and remember to answer any and all whined queries with a sincere, “Yes dear.” Perceived lack of sincerity will be viewed as attempts at placating and/or patronizing behavior and has been known to bring on an extreme episode of stuff-flinging or WORSE, emotional scream-crying!
When faced with severe behavior, your best course of action is the foot-rub maneuver. When accompanied with pleasant smelling creams and lotions, it will usually lull the flare-wolf into a state of bliss-induced sleep, rendering it harmless for as long as your mad rubbing skills can hold out.
The biggest mistakes commonly made when encountering one of these nasty critters are suggesting a hot bath/shower will make them feel better (“But sweetie, you haven’t bathed in three days!”), asking who clogged the drain in the shower (“Who’s losing all the friggin’ hair and not cleaning the drain-screen?”), suggesting vacating the nest (“Don’t you think you’d feel better if you got up and put on some real clothes?”), or any insinuation that their house keeping skills are sub-par (“Honey, have you done any laundry? I’m out of socks and underwear.”)
If you accidentally commit any of these cardinal sins in the care-and-handling of a flare-wolf…YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN BUD AND MAY WHATEVER DIETY YOU BELIEVE IN HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!
