This is the point of the morning where the utter, un-reasoned-out truth lies, that which doesn’t have to be logical, it simply is. And maybe it’s not the TRUE truth, but is instead the truth that will drive your day.
I don’t understand this. In my “truth” fear has always been stuffed in a bag, shaken up, and re-emerged as something different. Perhaps anger, perhaps sarcasm, perhaps the drive to do more for others. But the morning I shook the bag as hard as I could and dumped fear back out on the table, I became lost.
I never wanted to write about this. I NEVER wanted to share this. I would rather not write than write without joy and humor. But this morning, I am choosing honesty over hiding.
It has been years since I grabbed the Tiger by the tail and he didn’t quickly tire into a purring lump. YEARS! I stupidly believed he and we had reached an understanding. I suppose we had, of sorts.
He understood that if he waited long enough, appearing somewhat tamed and milder in manner, I would let my guard down in my over-proud belief I’d kicked his ass. Then he’d simply bounce up and kick mine.
And so it goes with these things.
To his credit, he’s learned and become sneakier in his tiger-y attacks. He didn’t go with anger or simple sadness this time. No…he picked the claw I have the least experience with, making it twice as effective. The dirty-birdie picked fear…anxiety…that thing which strips the last bit of logic left and freezes you in your tacks, unable to reason your way out of a wet paper bag!
What if I can’t find my groove…my “wit”…my funny? What if I loose everything I’ve worked so hard for, seeing life for all the beauty and joy that it is? What if I stay stuck here in this quagmire of self-doubt and irrational fear?
And that’s right where it wants you, isn’t it? To chase your own tail for awhile…leaving it free to grab a bag of popcorn, kick back in the easy chair, and enjoy the show!
But I have never been one to give up. At times when I’m tired, I may wish desperately that I was, but somewhere I inherited the “stubborn as a stone wall” gene. So I do what I’ve always done…the exact opposite of what I THINK I want to do, knowing THOSE thoughts belong not to me but instead to whatever rolled out of the bag.
Today I will abandon my squishy nest on my comfy couch. Today I will call a friend and talk on the phone that has grown to unnerve me because they might hear something in my voice that tells them I’m not laughing and filled with positive outlooks.
Today I will move through the ruble that once was my home and begin to put it back together. I’ll clean, organize, and toss out the things that no longer have a valid place.
Even though the daily blinking screen had begun to make my heart pound in a most unnatural way, I’ll do this. I will do it for no other reason than because I love to write and oddly enough, I love to help others…and I‘ll be damned if I‘ll let this beastie take that from me.
You wonderful people who tripped across something and managed to fall face-first into my blog have heard me say a thousand times, “A life without laughter is a life unlived.” The last few weeks I have not really been living. I’ve been existing, and that’s not the way I want to move through my world.
Yes…we all look for the joy, we all make a daily choice to be happy. Then we all fight whatever Tigers crawl out from under the furniture to interfere with that choice. “Happy” is not always possible, but making the choice and striving to attain it is.
So I’m sitting here being open, honest, and striving. Not because I want or need sympathy. Not because I have a deep-seated need to share every part of my existence. More because Life is a journey and this is simply part of mine…And instead of someone walking away with unrealistic expectations, they might walk away understanding a little bit of reality.
So once more I’ll put my big-girl panties on, take a deep breath, make the choice that again today I will strive for happiness, and take the stupid, smug Tiger by the tail and do my bestest to plant my boot so far up his ass that I’ll be able to tie the laces through his teeth!