Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Good morning! I have been AGONIZING over today for the last three days. No friggin’ joke! First off, half the prompt was missing, so I couldn’t decide what the living be-jeepers I was gonna TRY to write about.
Then yesterday an awesome person filled us lost souls in on the missing info and…it got worse. Why? Because I’m a natural-born smart ass, that’s why!
Here’s the thing, today’s prompt is “Be mindful. Write about what helps you stay centered in the present” and the ONLY thing that kept popping into my head, over and over and over was *insert anticipatory drum roll here* BRAIN FOG!
Yes, brain fog. Because when you can’t remember your full name and actual date of birth most of the time, it’s EASY to stay “present” in the moment.
The end and you’re welcome.
Now that I’ve got THAT outta my system…mindfulness and centered are beautiful words, but they’re also so ambiguous. (There’s a fun word to say. Try it using a fishy-face. Am-big-u-ous. I bet you’re laughing right about now, aren’t ya. *fishy-face-grin*)
I can be VERY mindful of the fact that my eyes opened to an invisible Mac Truck running me down this morning. And the mindfulness of that pain will keep me VERY in the present, although probably not very centered.
The truth is last month I had no problem staying centered and present. I’d wake up knowing things are what they are and take a deep breath. I was all about celebrating the good things in my life and letting go of the things beyond my control, be they people or situations.
I didn’t stress over tomorrow or mourn yesterday, since it’s counter productive to living my life with joy today. (Stop gagging and rolling your eyes, please. It’s kinda rude!)
Then everything imploded at once. Our financial situation went from bad to WTF!?! over night. I woke up one morning and became intimately acquainted with a new friend named Anxiety. (Who, might I add, is one helluva LOUSY houseguest!) And of course, this would be when various and sundry vehicles, that we have no way of repairing right this minute, decided to completely lose their mechanical minds.
So it kinda goes without saying that the last few weeks I have been over-stressing, cursing my stupid malfunctioning body over my inability to work, border-line afraid to leave the house, and knowing how “silly” that is, making myself leave the house and then freakin’ out over the fact that I’M NOT IN MY HOUSE!
During this crazy roller coaster ride, there have been three constants in my life that have managed to repeatedly pull me back from the brink of total-melt-down and snap me back to the here-and-now. One is my family. The second is creating something every day (yeah, that would be this blog thingy and the artsy-fartsy doodling I do.) The third thing would be my friends (that includes you guys, by the way.)
I think the “my family” part is pretty self-explanatory, so I’ll move on to creating something. I love writing and the way it allows me to work through some of the confusion in my head. Somehow, putting it down on digital paper makes it easier to find sense in all the chaos, sort through the BS, and separate the beauty from the mud puddles I trip and fall face-first into.
And yes, there have been times when I simply could NOT find the words. That’s where the doodling comes in. I have a growing watercolor pencil addiction and indulge in it on a regular basis. Sometimes for DAYS at a time! (You’re on your own for dinner, Momma’s “creating”!) And even though I am willing to admit I have a problem, I have no intention of seeking help for it! *grin*
The third part of this? My friends help snap me back to the present more than any of them will ever know. Because life is a series of moments and choices and the more I wallow in the “What if’s” and the “I wish’s” the less time I have to celebrate, mourn, laugh, cry, and laugh some more with everyone.
WOW! I think I just found the actual point of this rambling…choice. I do my best to make the choice to stay present and attempt the whole centered deal-e-o. And on days I fail BEYOND miserably, I make the choice to TRY not to stay mired in the muck, but to find a way to climb back out, take a hot shower, and start over again.
Took me long enough to get to the point, didn’t it? Which, I might add, is a PERFECT example of how “creating” helps…*takes an off-balance bow* “Thank you. Thank you. Please, no applause.. Thank you….”
chronic illness|mental health|WEGO NHBPM|