Friday, November 9, 2012

Do You Want An Order Form Or A Restraining Order?

  Good morning! First off, I gotta say, THANK YOU EVERYONE for all the wonderful, kind words yesterday. (Yes, I’m STILL bouncing!) I cannot even begin to tell you how much it meant, especially since y’all are the reason I write! It’s like double fudge ice cream with caramel and bananas, it just keeps getting better!

  OK, I’ll stop gushing and get on with today’s prompt, which is…”Tell a descriptive story about a memory.” (Oh man! There are SO many places I could go with this! *evil grin*)
  Since today is Friday, official Top Ten day, I’ll keep with the spirit of the prompt and do this instead; I’ll give you the top five (length people. You KNOW how I get!) titles and descriptions of the story of my life with chronic illness if I were gonna write a memoir about it. (I’m thinking “memoir” is probably French for “memory” or something, so it TOTALLY counts!)

     Top Ten (That’s Really Five) Memoirs About My Life With Chronic Illness:

1) Poopy Doo and Mystery stINC. (Hats off if you’re a fellow Scooby Doo fan and got my seriously awesome reference.) Follow one woman and her crazy colon’s trip through the dark and often times confusing realm of Medical Science as she and a brave GI Gal attempt to solve the mystery of the Uncooperative Colon! Feel her sorrow as her colon sleeps without any apparent explanation one day only to come to life with a vengeance the next.      You’ll be on the edge of your (potty) seat as she travels long distances to meet the creepy little man behind the window who administers torturous sounding tests in an attempt to find the answer.
     A story so strong, at times you can almost SMELL it! (SO sorry. I couldn’t help myself!)

Nana the cat does an AWESOME
job as my stand-in!

     2) Are You There Couch? It’s Me, Chris. Once upon a time, there was a woman named Chris who slept in her bed by night and moved about the world by day. Then the Mysterious Bob arrived, bringing with him the darkness. Chris went from an ordinary sleeper to a woman who was cursed with spending half the night wandering aimlessly around the house, playing on the computer, and writing crazy messages to the World, only to spend half the day sleeping on her couch.
     Will she ever find normalcy in her sleep patterns? Will Bob ever bugger-off? Will she ever be able to relax in her bed during the night again, or is she destined to be a daytime couch-sleeper forever? (Yep! 1:30 AM today! THAT may be a new record for me!)

     3) My Mother The Car. (THAT was a TV show. THIS is a book, so it’s completely different.) Follow Chris as she enters the world of diagnostic medicine. Much like a car with a random short in it’s wiring, Doctors “poke” around under her “hood” and run all manner of mysterious and expensive diagnostic tests in an attempt to find the cause of her illness.
     This story is told through the eyes of her daughter, which kinda means it will be much more serious than Chris’ writing and probably involve actual medical terms and few made-up words. (Look, The Girl is NOT boring, she’s just WAY more adlut-like in her writing…and speaking and behavior and pretty much everything else…than I am.)

You can tell from this picture just how
much more mature The Girl is!

     4) Melodrama Mamma. To the outside world she had it all, a loving husband, beautiful (smart-arsed) children, and a lovely (critter filled) home. But behind closed doors, it was a different story. Follow the life of one Mother as she flips out over muscles that refuse to work, sleeps half the day away, and whines until her husband rubs her feet.
     One minute she may be laughing, the next she may be crying, but she’s always slightly off-balance. (It’s called Vertigo, like Hitchcock only I don’t need heights, Jimmy Stewart was unavailable, and I am MUCH more believable than Kim Novak!)
     You’ll never know which way her moods will swing yet EVERY minute is guaranteed to be an adventure with this Melodrama Mamma! (In all fairness, I was this way before I got sick. *guilty grin*)

     5) WHAT!?! It was a normal life in the Dean home until the Mrs. got sick…and started a blog. Now the entire family is terrified to move, speak, or even poke their heads out of their room for fear of doing something, ANYTHING to end them up on Mom’s blog!
     Nothing is any longer sacred in the Dean’s home. From pictures of the youngest son’s abnormally long toes to revealing tales of the daughter’s Strep Throat. No matter how small or trivial, it all finds its way onto the blog.
     Will this madness ever end? Will the family stage an intervention and strip Mom of all her laptop? Will she ever stop stalking her offspring with a camera? Only time will tell!

  If you’re interested in ordering any of these, leave a comment requesting an Order Form…or a Restraining Order. Either one would probably be appropriate today. *falls over laughing from WAY too much caffeine, more than a little sleep deprivation, and because I think I’m funnier than I probably am*

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