Weight: Go suck an egg buddy ‘cause I am NOT giving THAT number out!
Age: 42 (I’m in my Douglas Adams year so I’ve got ALL the answers! Just not the question.)
Hair Color: Revolving
Eye Color: Seriously? Aren’t you bored with this whole shtick yet?
Last Seen: Hiding behind a computer wearing yesterday’s jammies.
Crimes: Frequent spitting of coffee on monitor and keyboard while viewing memes on Facebook and Pinterest.
There are more various and sundry food particles lodged between and under the keys than any computer should ever be forced to live with. It’s like eating popcorn every day but never being able to find a toothpick! (Come on lady, show some compassion!)
She wouldn’t know a software update if it bit her on her processor! Everything is so outta date, it only sees this century when something stops working and she bellows for one of her offspring to make it run. THEN the Update-A-Palooza begins!
Frequent insults being hurled at her computer and its programs on her so-called blog and other social media sites. (Ya know, we machines have feeling too. And here’s a clue, if you don’t UPDATE and run maintenance programs, we won’t play nice!)
Verbal abuse that would curl an honest man’s toes. (Drunken, truck driving sailors don’t even swear this much!)
Frequent smacking of monitor when website fails to load properly. (Again, updates and maintenance you asshat!)
REWARD: Any information leading to her capture will be richly rewarded with increased processor speed, lower page-load times, and better virus protection. (Something this chick obviously knows NOTHING about!) You’re memory will runneth over with all manner of internet joy and happiness!
PS Just as soon as I figure out how to pull a Tron ad surf the web from this side? I WILL find out who turned me in! In the meantime…help?