Friday, December 14, 2012

Riding The Stupid Pills

  Good morning! OH-MY-GAWD! What in the nether-verse is going on with the invisible Gnomes that are apparently beating me with socks filled with large metal balls while I’m sleeping!?! Oh and it’s NOT just me! I’ve spoken to so many people this week that are either in serious, mucho pain or have been stricken down with a cold/evil virus of some unknown origin. UGH!

  So, what do you do? You follow the “eat me” and “drink me” directions on the pretty little bottles and enter Wonderland. But wait, there’s more! (Yeah, just like a Ronco commercial.) After your brain enters Wonderland, your body is forced to carry on the day-to-day stuff without it.

  And that’s where today’s Top Ten comes in. (Hey, it’s Friday. Ya KNEW it was coming!)
     Top Ten Acts of WHAT!?! While My Brain Was Riding The Stupid Pills:

     1) Elf Quest- The whole Elf on a Shelf things eludes me. My offspring are now old enough I use the standard threats-and-bribes method of bending them to my will. (When it starts working, I’ll let ya know.) Yet, the pics and prose in ode to these critters still abounds.
       So I decided I wanted an Elf of my own so I didn’t miss out on all the photo ops. Only MINE was gonna be the Elf Without a Shelf- Homeless edition. And yes, I had all manner of ill intentions. I was going to do HORRIBLE things to him and take BAD pics to post for my own amusement, thus pissing off hoards of Elf devotees.
       But alas…every damn store around is sold out of the happy little bugger. This means I simply wandered aimlessly through Target for 45 minutes while randomly chanting, “I want a damn Elf!” The Boy who was my “chaperone” for this trip? Was distinctly NOT amused!
       But I was and that’s what really matters. Right? *grin*

     2, 3 & 4) Holiday Pictures- When my search failed to turn up an Elf for my dark purposes, I began taking pics with my cell phone of things that amused me.
       First of all, it would appear they finally found Bigfoot…and skinned him for festive Holiday Stockings. Now Santa will leave you extra-special gifts because you cared enough to hang the very best! Or at least the very creepiest…
       Santa hats are in vogue this season, even for the hookers of the world! Why walk your corner is a boring ole red hat like all the other run-of-the-mill prostitutes. Now you can troll for Johns in style with the sexy leopard print hat or hot hot HOT sequined number! You’ll be the belle of the “ball”. *falls over laughing at BAD double entendre*
       And don’t forget…NOTHING says, “Happy Holidays!” like a little booze hidden on your body to help you get through those family gatherings in tipsy-top attitude! Grab a Holiday flask before they’re gone and you’re forced to hide your bottle in your purse like everyone else.

     5,6 & 7) Crash Carts- This time of year all the stores have those awesome little Sample Stands set up and manned by the “happiest” of store employees. Yesterday Wal-Mart was kind enough to set one up cross-ways between two lanes of cart-traffic. The Problem? It hung out three inches in each lane.
What happens when you take a cart-driver who is “slightly” medicated and let her amble past your Stand? *CRASH* That’s what.
       Hey, I bet you didn’t know those things are put together in sections and if you hit one hard enough? You can literally disassemble it. Also, when you’re trying to replace the boxes of Nutri-Grain Bars you knocked all over the floor, remember those shelves fall off at the lightest of touches.
       Then, when you’re trying to re-replace the boxes you knocked all over the floor for a second time by stacking them in front of a clever pyramid of boxes on the top of the Stand? If your hands shake the least little bit, you’ll probably knock even MORE boxes to the ground resulting in the HAPPY employee “pleasantly” asking you from between clenched teeth to STOP helping .
       Oh yeah…and your offspring WILL disappear so as not to be associated with you and your Three Stooges box-stacking routine.
       (That one counts for three since I blew up the display in three different ways. Now THAT, my friends, is true talent!)

     8) Point-And-Scream- I cannot believe I almost forgot this one! I DID find an Elf on a Shelf, but he was too busy being tortured to come home and “play” with me. And he had friends too. It was a veritable Holiday Horror Fest!
       This poor Elf, Santa, an Angel, a Reindeer, and many more beloved characters were all sitting on their shelves with bubbles of water over their heads. This? Was the ULTIMATE water torture chamber peoples! I mean, if the whole “person” had been inside the water it would have been a lovely snow globe. But just their heads? What kind of sick mind comes up with these things!
       I weep still for their pain. *sniff sniff*

     9) Medicated Media- I think we covered that one pretty thoroughly yesterday. Enough said. *grin*

     10) Be Creative- Umm…ya see, I heard all the tales about the Disney Artists being jacked-up on coke when they created Fantasia. (And watching it stone-cold-sober, I can TOTALLY believe it!) So, I figured, “What the heck!” At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what I figured. It all kinda runs together after a certain point.
       I’ve been doodling to have something to focus on besides aches and cussing like a sailor. My house is officially COVERED in these things right now. So, what do I do with them? I ended up re-tooling a site that was a brief foray into a joint-blog for me and The Girl. (She was easily bored. What can I say?) (And yeah, she’s gonna yell at me and say I was the one easily bored. To which I’ll reply, “Prove it!”)

       ANYWAY…if you’re ever looking for things like doodles of the Pocket Ducks doing non-cartoon-y things (like keg-stands) or excessive amounts of Super Slug and Jack Frost, you’ll find it here.
       Also, since I evidently am not quite as tech-impaired whilst under the influence, I managed to write a little HTML code and made blog badges. (I know! They work and the blog didn’t blow up! I can’t believe it either!!!)

  Here’s hoping you’re having a totally pain-free day and more than a few giggles to keep you smiling!

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