Friday, December 28, 2012

The Best Of Dork-Wadicus-Maximus

Brain fog at its finest!
  Good morning! Hey, do you know what today is? It’s the last Friday of the year!!!

  It’s crazy how fast this year has flown by, but I think it’s in part due to the awesome company I’ve been keeping. (Yeah, that would be you guys. *cheesy grin*)

  Since it IS the last Friday, I spent the morning rummaging through all the past Top Ten lists and figured I’d do a “Greatest Hits” type of thing. The only problem? I couldn’t narrow it down to just ten favorites, so it kinda went over. (I am SO reverting back to my LONG phase today!)

  The one thing I did note, however, was how many brain-fog and general “bad behavior” lists there were, which is leading me to a realization. Namely, I was probably a poorly behaved dork-wadicus-maximus BEFORE the health glitches. *whistles and looks around all innocent like*

  So, without further ado, here are my favorites…

     Top So-Called-Ten Favorite Top Tens Of 2012:

      1) A Few Simple Truths: 
       Depends should make a “thong” style for those of us with minor “leakage” problems who still want to feel sexy. (I can see the commercial now, “When a little is a lot for the hot chick on the go…”)
       Your spouse gives you the “first day of kindergarten” speech before EVERY Doc appointment. “OK, honey. Now, you know it’s not nice to call other people names. Right? And it’s not nice to throw things. Right? Remember to use your “inside” voice when your inside and don’t run with scissors. Got it?” (Just do NOT ask what said scissors could or could not be for…plausible deniability! That’s the key!)

     3) The Top Ten Reasons I‘m Here…Haiku Style:
Limericks better              
Can’t make a dirty Haiku
Lack syllable space

     4) Top Ten Things Randomly Screamed Into A Phone:
        “If you can hear me, my cats are holding me hostage. PLEASE, get help!”

     5) Top Ten Fun Things To Do When Trapped In A Test Lab:
        Annoy the Nurse by begging for caffeine EVERY TIME she enters the room! (Breath samples were taken every 15 minutes for 3 hours…so THAT…was a LOT of begging!)

     6) Top Ten Ways To Have Fun Whilst Stuck On Your Bum:
       Spend your morning coloring packing peanuts black with a sharpie. Procure a rubber band or (better yet) a real sling-shot. Spend your afternoon using rubber band to shoot the now-black packing thingies ALL OVER the living room. When hubby or kids arrive home, act all panicked and tell them about the gigantimous rodent that tortured and mocked you all day…point to the black “turds” all over the place as proof! (Milkduds would be so much better…plus you could pick one up and eat it for a totally AWESOME gross-out effect! But who, I ask, wants to waste Milkduds?)

     7) Top Ten Hidden Meanings Behind Things Docs Say:
       “I understand your concern, but…”
       Translation: “STOP ASKING QUESTIONS and I HATE Web-MD!”
     8) Top Ten Reason Chris Should Never Be Allowed In Public:

       The Great Bidet Incident. I discovered by accident that the word “bidet” is my daughter’s kryptonite. All you gotta do is say it and she’s completely incapacitated by squeals of laughter! (And I do mean SQUEALS!) So, when finding yourself in the middle of a bidet display, it TOTALLY becomes a free-for-all in bidet jokes!
       Once we discovered the latest trend in undercarriage cleanliness, the Deluxe Bidet Toilet…(It flushes, it washes, it DRIES! Yes, no more switching seats for that uber-clean feeling…now, it ALL happens in one place!) I could not help but to LOUDLY begin tossing out ideas for new models…
       a…A bidet designed especially for men, The Ball-Tickler 3000
       b…A bidet designed for women with a little extra “junk-in-the-trunk,” The Ba-Donk-A-Det.
       c…The model for those a little OCD about undercarriage cleanliness, The All-Det.
       d…The model for fans of the Pink Panther, The Bedet, Bedet, Bedet Bedet Bedet, Bedet, Bedet Bedeeeeettttttt…..(You gotta sing it along with me here, OK?)
       Then? The conversations about psi’s and splatter-factor began…(Yes, people…I am THAT uncultered!) It all went down-hill from there, with half a store watching the train-wreck that was me, mouths hanging open and looks of mortified confusion on their faces! So we moved on…

     9) Top Ten “You Might Have Brain Fog If…”:
       …when checking in for an appointment, the nice lady behind the desk asks for your full name and all you can come up with is, “My hubby calls me Honey.” (Or better yet, "Isn't it in my file?")

       “My Therapist told me I needed to get in touch with my inner child so I’m planning on spending the evening in a diaper, playing with dolls, and watching Barney. Hubby’s refusing to “change me” so if you wanted to do that, you’re welcome…Maybe tomorrow would be better?”
       It would seem that manufacturers are incapable of making panties that don’t ride up like they’re spelunking in my nether regions.
       Seriously, isn’t the elastic in back supposed to keep that stuff in place!?! I have tried every style in existence and let me tell ya, outside of bike shorts
 they ALL end up holding a social gathering in the my “Valley of Darkness!” 

     12) You’re Might Be “Old” Or Just Chronically Illin’ If…:
       …“dressing up” literally translates to “putting on something that doesn’t involve elastic waistbands, soft flannel, and cartoon characters.”

     13) Top Ten Yoga Poses The Ancient Masters Would Have Included Had They Had A Chronic Illness:

       There’s the
Downward Facing Dog Pose which stretches and strengthens the whole body, but here’s the Downward Face-Plant. (I practice this one often.)

     14) Top Ten Signs You’re Either a College Student or Have a Chronic Illness:
       Ramen Noodles. If you know more ways to prepare them other than the instructions on the package, you qualify! (I am not ashamed to say I can make mac-and-cheese, spaghetti, alfredo dishes, and if you use sugar and cinnamon it can even be dessert! Side dish, main course, no problem! Ramen is like the cheap-o gift from the Penniless Gods!)

     15) Top Ten Proposed Names for my Health Condition:
       (National Lampoon’s) Christmas Vacation Disease: My over achieving immune system is a lot like the unwanted relatives who’ve come for an extended visit and have no idea HOW to behave. Also? With the aid of the WONDERFUL colon-blow combo (aka motility drugs) and only one bathroom, you frequently hear my hubby’s mostest favorite line from the whole movie, “The shitter’s full!” (Plus, I sometimes appear to have Cousin Eddy’s fashion sense, but that’s just me, not my health.)

     16) Top Ten Acts of WHAT!?! While My Brain Was Riding The Stupid Pills:
       Crash Carts- This time of year all the stores have those awesome little Sample Stands set up and manned by the “happiest” of store employees. Yesterday Wal-Mart was kind enough to set one up cross-ways between two lanes of cart-traffic. The Problem? It hung out three inches in each lane.
       What happens when you take a cart-driver who is “slightly” medicated and let her amble past your Stand? *CRASH* That’s what.
        Hey, I bet you didn’t know those things are put together in sections and if you hit one hard enough? You can literally disassemble it. Also, when you’re trying to replace the boxes of Nutri-Grain Bars you knocked all over the floor, remember those shelves fall off at the lightest of touches.
       Then, when you’re trying to re-replace the boxes you knocked all over the floor for a second time by stacking them in front of a clever pyramid of boxes on the top of the Stand? If your hands shake the least little bit, you’ll probably knock even MORE boxes to the ground resulting in the HAPPY employee “pleasantly” asking you from between clenched teeth to STOP helping .
       Oh yeah…and your offspring WILL disappear so as not to be associated with you and your Three Stooges box-stacking routine. (That one counts for three since I blew up the display in three different ways. Now THAT, my friends, is true talent!)

     17) Countdown of the Top Ten Twitches and Spasms of 2012:
       Chick-Taint- OK, umm…apparently there really are muscles in between your Mommy-chute and your rear-end-waste-management facility. And it CAN develop a tick. And it WILL be about three steps BEYOND distracting!
       Also, this muscle is connected to the larynx since each and every time it twitches a small, Also, this muscle is connected to the larynx since each and every time it twitches a small, “EEP!”
or “ACK!” will escape your lips.
       (And OH how I wish I was making this one up.)

  I’ve had a BLAST this past year and I hope you guys have too! If I missed your favorites or better yet, you have your own to add? Spell ‘em out loud and proud!

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