The Taste Of Vinegar

 Good morning! Today the screen blinks at me, dangerously blank. Almost like it’s mocking me…daring me to actually sit still long enough to write. (Stupid screen!)

 This week has been a rollercoaster ride of sorts. The standard Doc visits with accompanying tests…some expected results (Heart is GREAT!), some out of left field! (Mommy parts, not so much. *sigh*) The weather has been doing cartwheels, causing excessive backtalk from every joint and muscle. Just another week in the life of chronic illness.

 I’ve been trying desperately to catch-up on all the wonderful blogs I’ve neglected reading (and failing miserably) and I’ve ended up following links to new places I’d missed in the past. What I’ve found on these little side-trips are amazing sites like “The Happiness Project” and “The Huffington Post”.

My "baby" at his Graduation.

 There have been some bittersweet moments, as in my oldest moving back home. Bitter because one of my “little birds” failed at his first try at being an independent adult. Sweet…well, I’m a Mom. I love having the offspring around! Bitter, I have to drive four hours today and my bod is NOT a fan of long car trips. Sweet, my daughter is FINALLY going to meet a girl she’s corresponded with for over four years face-to-face!

 Over the last week I’ve made a few new friends. (Whoop! Whoop!) I’ve even managed to figure out a thing or two on Twitter…(I am SO Tweet-impaired!) Sadly, our internet is still only running at about half speed, so my on-line time is boot-strapped. (But that’s not entirely a bad thing, since it’s inspired me out of boredom to actually do some laundry…)

 Invisibly Ill has finally started to grow a little, thanks to the tireless efforts of a WONDERFUL woman named Dawn! (You rock, Lady!) Sadly, few are actually interacting yet…instead choosing to sit back and wait…testing the waters?

 The long (of course!) and the short of this morning’s post is…life. It’s what we do. Even though we have a chronic illness, even though we deal with pain few mere mortals could understand…we live. Life goes on with or without us. So, we find a way to hop on and do our damnedest to enjoy the ride!



A traditional representation of

 "The vinegar tasters"



 We may occasionally make the unscheduled pit-stop to climb into bed for a few days or hide in the bathroom and cry…but we jump back on, hold on with all we got, and ride the heck out of it!

 And smile.

 Because it’s like the painting “The Vinegar Tasters”. And I want to be Lao-Tzu. I want to smile through the bitter and the sweet because the vinegar tastes like vinegar…and that’s EXACTLY how it should taste, so all is good.

 May your day be filled with so much more sweet than bitter, but may you also see the bitter for what it is, part of life. And life…is so, so sweet!

Fun With Phones!

 Good morning! *deep breath of the WONDERFUL humidity laden HOT air* It’s Friday again…ALREADY! Soooo…it must also be time for a Top Ten?

 This week’s list was inspired by all those random calls you receive where the ID says, “Unknown Name, Unknown Number.” Confession time…I HATE callers who are too chicken-kaka to let you know who they are. I mean, even pre-paid cell phones appear as “Cellular Caller.” So I’ve developed an itsy-bitsy, nasty habit…I may or may not (OK, I TOTALLY do!) yell random things into the phone when it appears as “Unknown” before hanging up.

 I look at it this way…EVERYONE has childhood “crank-call” stories, but so few of us have stories about cold-calling someone and they “crank” us! So really, I’m doing families of Telemarketers a mondo favor by giving them something to talk about around the Dinner table. Right? Plus, I’m breaking the script-induced monotony for the actual Telemarketer! A complete win-win.

 Without further attempts at justifying my very un-adult like behavior, here’s a list of random junk I either have yelled or plan on yelling into the phone. (And yes, I keep a list handy for those brain-fog times I can’t think on my feet!)

        Top Ten Things Randomly Screamed Into A Phone

1)      “The trace showed these calls are coming from inside the house! Who are you?”

2)      “Stop stalking me!”

3)      “If you can hear me, my cats are holding me hostage. PLEASE, get help!”

4)      “Tag! You’re it!”

5)      “You’re the one hundredth caller and you’ve won A  BRAND  NEW  CAR!”

6)      “It’s the zombie apocalypse! RUN!”

7)      “MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Mother Ship, I’m braking up…”.*static sounds*

8)      “You’re SO lucky my hubby won’t buy me an air horn!”

9)      “I’ve infiltrated and the Natives now accept me as one of their own. What’s my next step?”

10)   “Quit calling! I told you I’m married and it was just a phase!”

       And just because I’m crazier than I look, here’s a bonus!

11)   “It worked! My time machine really worked! Tell me, exactly what year is this?”

  May you have an as-pain-free-as-it-gets day and may it be filled with no “crank calls”…unless the “cranking’s” on your end of the line!

Forgive Me Yoda!

Darn you, Sclero Bob!

Good morning! OK…

It’s been a while, I’ve been good,

But it had to end…you knew it would!

I’ve been fighting the urge, but I’m throwing in the towel.

So y’all grab a stool, ‘cause I’m gonna talk bowels!

*falling out of my chair laughing so hard at my own “funny” that coffee is coming out of my nose*

 (wipes tear from corner of her eye) I’m sorry! It just came to me…but at least you’ve been “warned”. “W-H-Y!?!” you’re begging? Because…this is actually one of the most frequently affected areas of the body! If your brand of illness doesn’t directly cause a few issues, then chances are one of your meds will. Heck, even pre-natal vitamins are notorious for stowing things up. And what’s a girl to do when she can’t seem to poo? (SORRY! Sorry…I’ll stop now…)

 During the last month while I was TRYING to be good and NOT talk excessively about body functions, my GI Gal was busy on and off the phone with me, mixing and matching powders and pills in an attempt to “keep things moving along” while they figure out exactly where the “hold up” is. At this point, what they do know is my small intestine has decided to lay down on the job, refusing to pitch in and do its part for the good of my digestive process!

 Coming up next week, I have a Hydrogen Test, which involves breathing in a tube so they can measure the chemical make-up of my digestive tract. This will help them decide if a more “invasive” procedure is required to seek out physical disruptions or if it’s a “flora and fauna” thing. Since I am ALL for LESS invasive (read camera “up” or “down” a body opening) I’m rooting for bacterial issue. Although, it’s a double edged sword…Sclero fact- Sometimes the slow-down caused by the collagen build-up on the muscles of the colon can cause “things” to move too slow. Stuff hanging around past its prime can lead to an upset in the natural balance of “flora and fauna” in your colon, further complicating your motility problems.

 Now…here’s the FUN part (and by “fun” I mean 12-year-old-boy sense of humor in affect!)…during that always AWESOME space between “problem” and “problem solved” they’ve put me on not one…NOT two…but THREE separate types of laxative/stimulate/stool softener pills/powders! Oh yeah…THREE! And the bestest part? My colon has still managed to maintain its warped sense of humor…

 It’s 3:00 AM…think you need to pop a fluffy? WRONG!!!!! It’s a wide-awake, respectable 4:00 PM…gotta “go”? WRONG!!!! I swear…every miniscule bit of pressure has turned into a game of Russian Roulette with my shorts!

  Although, I am getting back in touch with my inner-crafter as a result of all my time spent on my “throne.” I’m working on designing a cross stitch for the bathroom. It’s a paraphrased Yoda quote, “There is no try. Only do or do not.” Only, my version? “There is no try. Only do or SH*T!” (And my family wonders what all the insane laughter emerging from the potty is when I’m trapped in there…hubby’s concerned the plumber didn’t vent it properly and I’m “gassing” myself…literally! *grin*) Also, I may or may not have been working on re-writing Roy Orbison’s classic “Crying” involving, “Trying…to make poo…” (but I refuse to either confirm or deny this statement.)

 On the up-side, if you are experiencing intestinal “glitches” either as a direct or indirect product of chronic illness, there are some phenomenal blogs and resources out there where you can pull up a porcelain throne and feel right at home! “Inflamed & Untamed” is one I’ve talked about before. I’ve also recently found crohns girl on Twitter.

 (I apologize in advance, but ya HAD to know something like this was coming…) May your day be filled with all kinds of “Do” and only the number-and-room appropriate “SH*T’s”!

PSA

 Hey guys! I almost forgot to add this…Oops!

 Y’all know I’m a HUGE fan of The Bloggess…and yesterday only cemented my high opinion of her as a person.

 Jenny Lawson (the person behind the legend) suffers from anxiety, depression, and some mild OCD. On her blog yesterday, she posted a vlog addressing not only her challenges, but mental illness in general.  It was touching, human, and REAL!

 If you follow me on FB or Tumblr, I apologize for the “repeat” post, but I was so impressed with her candor and honesty, I think EVERYONE battling any form of mental illness should see this. Also, anyone who knows or loves someone dealing with these challenges…watch it!

 There’s also a link to a “Depression Lies” bracelet you can print and wear. There’s a place on the bracelet where you can write a message to yourself before you fold it, hiding it on the inside. Mine says, “I’m a funny and fun person. Yeah me!” (One of my personal glitches is “me” occasionally telling myself that I’m not “funny” or “fun” but a gigantimous pain in the pa-tooty and people would rather avoid me…BULL HOCKEY!!!!!!)

 Please, if you live with mental illness or know someone who does, give this short piece of awesomeness a view and pass the link on!

Have a totally amazing day! And thanks for helping spread awareness and acceptance!

Rockin Some Righteous Hoodie

Damn! They found me...

 Good morning! Holy crinoline…I am stumped! For the first time in a month, I’m not sitting down to a pre-ordained topic. Can I do this? Can I find something interesting to write about? Maybe…hopefully…CRAP!

 OK, How about fashion? “Why?” you ask…because it dawned on me yesterday what an amazing TRAINWRECK my public-consumption wardrobe has become! And yes, it IS due in part to my health! (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)

 My daughter and I were leaving the bird-food place, and I happened to glace up and realized we had achieved COMPLETE role reversal. She was pushing the cart, wearing a pleasant T-shirt, comfortable slacks, and a laid-back, well-fitting hoodie. Me…I was trailing behind texting (hey, it was my hubby on his lunch break, OK?) wearing cut-off men’s carpenter pants that had been used as a drip-cloth (more or less) when I painted ALL the rooms in our house, an obnoxious tank top, and an Oscar The Grouch hoodie that came down to my knees. Her hair…neat, shoulder length curls. My hair…one inch spikes going every-which-way.

 At one point she actually stopped to wait for me to catch up…and SIGHED about it! Oh yeah…I have become the child…when the heck did this happen? When did she become the grown-up, mature one? And when did I manage to get off-topic about clothes?

 OK…anyway…As we were loading the feed (and by “we” I really mean “her”) I realized I looked more or less like a homeless person, only with less mad color-coordination skills. And just for the record, I have nothing against the homeless, except they apparently dress better than I do!



I love my Oscar hoodie!



 Now, I realize I’ve never been what you’d call a “fashionista.” But apparently since I’ve gotten sick, my ability to dress myself anywhere near “tastefully” has gone down the tubes! It could be because I’m constantly tired with a “bum” right leg…and the laundry facilities are down a flight of stairs. It could be because I’ve “back-slid” and spend most of my time in jammie pants. (They are SO comfy! Don’t judge me!) It could be I spend so much time in sweat pants because they “expand” to accommodate my “slightly” enlarging posterior AND (Bonus!) you don’t have to wear underwear with them. (Hey, they can be SO binding…Again, do NOT judge me! We all do it…don't we? Don't answer that!)

 And the hoodies? I have hoodies for all occasions. I am the Hoodie Queen! I’ve got Oscar The Grouch, Superman, The Punisher, heavy fleece-lined, lightweight summer, light grey, dark grey…the list is endless! Again, “Why?” you ask…because when it comes to fashion, I can rock me some righteous hoodie! (I am SO sorry! No idea where that came from…but I just had to say it!) I know I’ve mention before that hoodies can be great camouflage…but they are so darned practical as well! After all…they layer so nicely over my millions of tank tops for those days (and by “those days” I really mean “every day”) when your internal thermostat can’t decide if it’s gonna fry you or freeze you.

 My amazing color skills? Evidently, I was mistaken in my belief that purple fleece, holiday print Tinkerbell jammie pants, a hot pink tank top, and a lime green Oscar hoodie is a whimsical combination…According to hubby, I look like a colorblind toddler on crack. Even though the colors all “mesh” so well with my unnaturally red hair! (And by “mesh” I really mean “clash”…)

 So, here I sit this morning pondering the question as to whether my hot pink, skull-covered bandanna and every-growing hat collection is more a statement of individual fashion sense, or hair-maintenance laziness…It’s like a flippin’ existential melt-down!

Who says my sense of
style isn't TOTALLY awesome?

 But…as I flip back through old photos, I have an epiphany! I’ve NEVER had a sense of fashion! I’ve pretty much always looked like a hobo who never figured out the traditional color-wheel…Cool! (Of course…this probably clues you in on the fact that, except for the cape and mask, “The Gladinator” is in fact my normal garb…oops!) At least this is one part of my life that illness hasn’t affected…much. (I have switched out my plaid flannel of years past for my new-found love of hoodies.)

 How about you? Have you found the ways you dress altered? “Heels” for “flats”…comfy jammie pants where stylin’ jeans used to be? Hoodies? (Sweet, sweet hoodies…)

 May your day be filled with comfy, NON-binding apparel…and may no one mistake you for a homeless, colorblind person in need of a SERIOUS fashion-intervention!

Care Bear's Revenge or The Wrap-up!

Tuesday May 1: Recap HAWMC. You did it! 30 posts in 30 days. Which was your favorite prompt? Which was the most difficult? Which ideas will you reuse? Who was your favorite fellow blogger?

 Recap Day- Good morning! (And by “morning” I mean somewhere uncomfortably close to 2:00 AM! (Thank you evil weather-patterns-of-doom!) “Look Ma, I did it! I actually finished something I started! Whoop! Whoop!” (And it only took 41 years to be able to say that…)

Sunshine Bear's Revenge...
He's back and he brought his friends!

 Over the last 30 days, I think I may have learned a thing or two…not general knowledge per se, but a few things about myself. (Because it IS all about ME, after all! GEEZE!) First off, I REALLY enjoy playing with dolls in the quiet hours of the morn. There’s something slightly creepy, yet deeply gratifying about using a doll with an over-sized sledgehammer to thwart a Care Bear. Second, I obviously find myself much funnier than anyone else residing in my house. (What can I say, “taste” must not be genetic.)



 Seriously though, I’m not terribly sure if participation has made me a better writer, but I will say it probably gave you guys a better grip on my reality…(meaning you got to know me a bit better as a “person” who happens to write a blog and has a weird, borderline obsession with playing with dolls while everyone else in her house is asleep…) I also came to the realization that I’m not overly positive I consider myself a “health activist” as much as a “health humorist”…(yes, I STILL think I’m funny!) And I am totally cool with that!



Participation also seems to have increased the amount
of “stuff” hanging around in my “Corner of Crazy.”
 (aka “work space”)



 There are so many awesome blogs I’ve discovered in the last month (and I WILL eventually catch up with reading them all…*sigh*) written by amazing Adults who are dedicated to spreading great info and keeping people up to date on the latest research. They do something I never could do…take themselves seriously. (I can take THEM seriously…just not myself. Just wanted to make sure I cleared up any confusion my loose grip on proper grammar may or may not have created.) And again…I am TOTALLY cool with that!



Each day is a gift. Live it like it can't be returned!

 Hidden among the some-cool and some-confusing prompts, I did find a few that I thoroughly plan on exploiting for my own amusement. (I SO was not kiddin’ about keeping the “Things We Forgot” prompt idea!) There were also some gawd-awful things I created that will end up coming back to haunt you…repeatedly…I’m sorry, but The Pink Chicken of Happiness, the Evil Gnome, and The Gladinator crack me the heck up! (Isn’t it good that I can amuse myself? TOLD you it was ALL about ME!)



 I hope all of you that have been hangin’ out with me for a while now enjoyed the month-long break in routine as much as I enjoyed trying something completely different. (Bonus points for anyone who caught the Monty Python reference…”The Larch”…*he he he*) And to any new folks we happened to pick up along the way…”Welcome!”



 May your day be filled with the “little things” in life…things that make you laugh, things that smell pleasant (unlike whatever the cats brought in and left behind the fridge to torture me and my nose), and things that are warm and fuzzy for nap time!

 

Happy Little Cloud

Monday April 30: Word Cloud. Make a word cloud or tree with a list of words that come to mind when you think about your blog, health, or interests. Use a thesaurus to make the branches of your “tree” extend further. http://www.wordle.net/

 Day 30- Good morning!

 OK, this was yet another odd little prompt. And I cheated. As usual. *grin*

 Actually, if you follow the link, the site gives you the option of feeding it your URL and it sucks out the most used words and creates a sweet, little “cloud” for you.  I did it this way, as opposed to typing in my own choice words simply to see what the most used words were…and I was pretty surprised by what popped up!

 I pretty much figured the thing would be filled with “actually” and “so”…oddly enough, not so much. I was pleasantly surprised by what the program-bot picked for me. There may not have been much “empowered patient” or “chronic illness” in there, but I LOVE what was!

 Yes, there are few more “negative” words, but most of them are pretty positive. (And the colors rock too…bright…shiny…) The ones that just jump at me are “one, “writing,” “find,” and “know”. Then when I dig, I notice “like,” “day,” “heart,” and “health”. (Good grief, I’m even finding “Whoop” in the mix!)

 After staring at this for a while, I will concede that I am pretty proud at this neat, little representation of what I do. If this were a summation of not just my blog, but my life…I’d be awesomely happy to claim it!

 What about you? What words would you use to “sum-up” your day-to-day life? Would they be more on the positive, happy side? Would the “fun” words be the bigger ones that jump out at ya? Or would it be a little more serious?

 Sure, there are days when the “sadder” letter combos would better apply…but would those be in tiny font, or the gigantimous ones? Makes ya think…

 At least I know I’m on the right track…*grin*

 May your day be filled with lots of words…few of them “four-letter” and all of them positive! (And yes, four-letter ones CAN be positive...in the right circumstances...*grin*)

Shameless Self-Promotion

Sunday April 29: Six Sentence Story. In this day of micro-blogging –  brevity is a skill worth honing. Can you tell a story and make it short and sweet? What can you say in six sentences. Check out some here: http://sixsentences.blogspot.com/

 Day 29- Good morning and welcome to my nightmare, since we all know I have SERIOUS issues with being “short and to the point” with anything…but (I assure you) I will do my best to comply with the “six sentence” rule if you remember it never said nothin’ about no run on sentences!



These are my favs, since they're
easy to find, inexpensive, easy to use,
and hold up to "wash and wear" fairly well.



SSShhhhhhh......
You'll wake the Gnome!

 I casually mentioned a few posts back that I discovered the joys of laser printer, iron-on transfers long ago and tended to make my own awareness T-shirts, which were both stylish and unique and afforded me the opportunity to talk to complete strangers about my health focus when they stopped to ask me what the heck was on my shirt. Well…I’ve been at it again, this time with my own special brand of awesomeness and more than a little shameless, self-promotion as I’ve been adding my web address to the “intriguing” graphics I’ve decided to sport for both their one-of-a-kind fashion value and their eye-catching-ness. And ya know…it’s working since I had a couple of people ask me last night what the heck was on my shirt and I was MORE than happy to explain “The Gnome Theory” to them…leaving them completely mesmerized at my mad story-telling skills, creativity, and phenomenal sense of “educated” style.



 I’ve even gotten my daughter to jump on the “Awesome Fashion” wagon with her own T sportin’ Mildred the Pink Chicken of Happiness, inspiring everyone who gazes on her remarkable shirt to smile in wondrous amazement at how it is they’ve never heard of this totally bangin’ “chick” before now and to silently plan how they can get their own so as to spread the happiness even further!

 So, today I challenge all of you to cruise by your local craft or department store and grab a pack of these handy little things (the iron-ons I mentioned a few sentences back…just in case you’re confused by this point)so that you too can wreck  enhance your current T-shirt and/or sweatshirt collection with pictures, sayings, or ANYTHING (as long as no copyrights are infringed upon in the making of said items, please) to draw a little much needed attention to your own personal health focus, chronic illness, or even just to share how flippin’ unique you are with everyone you will encounter on your happy, smilin’ trip through any given day!

(WOW! I did it! No, these aren’t extra sentences…they’re “asides” which do NOT count! So there! Oh, and my High Scool Journalism teacher, Mr. Wellman, just sat straight up in bed with an overwhelming desire to track me down and give me the lecture of a lifetime about run-on sentences…poor guy.)

I'll Take "Do Over" for 100, Alex...

Saturday April 28: The First Time I… Write a post about the first time you did something. What is it? What was it like? What did you learn from it?

 Day 28- Good morning! Oooohhhhhh…..*gulp* There are SO many ways *snicker* I could go with this one…BUT…the one thing that keeps popping into my mind is something VERY pertinent (that’s such a crisp little word…it makes me feel all prim and proper grade-school-teacherish…) is the first time I started a blog.

 Oh yeah, that’s right! This is NOT the first blog I’ve written. And BEFORE anyone asks, the first one was dis-mant-led! BIG TIME! (Over a year-and-a-half of writing now lives on only on my hard drive.) I’m telling you…E-V-E-R-Y mistake you can make, I MADE IT!

 I know several of you already write regular blogs. Some of you are probably thinking about starting them. Let me tell ya…there was so much I did not understand about how these little monkey-ticklers work…how everything is archived (with or without tags) and will “pop-up” at the most inappropriate of times on a search engine. (That one was my "downfall"...) How an off-handed comment about “unmentionable places of employment” can get your bum hauled into HR for an explanation. How describing your workday in an “unfavorable” light can potentially cost you your job…if they can match descriptions to real people…named or unnamed.

 I discovered there are actual “unwritten” rules of blogging etiquette. There have been new laws passed and re-worked in an attempt to keep up with the ever-changing world d of on-line happin’ stuff. It is AMAZING! TERRIFYING! And very, very real!

 What I started several years ago as an “on-line diary” to help me cope with the death of my Mother, my frustration with work, the unknown illness that was creeping into my life, and to simply make more room inside my head…ultimately became one heck of a learning experience!

 Personally, I don’t want to go into details. Let’s just say it involved more than a little “hate mail” and a few trips to my BIG Boss’ office, and my Father disowned me! (Yep! You read that correctly!) It SUCKED…on ice!

 So…*shuffles feet in an embarrassed way* when I decided I wanted to start again, I read a book. Actually, several books! The one I found the most helpful was probably “Blogging For Dummies” by Susannah Gardner. It not only was chock full of tips and tricks for just about every platform, but also LOTS of info about the new laws, the do’s and don’ts of proper blogging, and links to some great blogs that have been around for years. It also explained exactly how search engines work...(a GOOD thing to know BEFORE you rework beloved holiday songs, substituting thoughts and feelings about people and places!)

 Yeah, yeah…this post isn’t that funny…but neither was the fall-out that occurred. (As it turns out, there are things in this world I can find no way to turn into a joke! Who knew…)The good thing is, the lessons I learned helped me decide to do things differently…both with my “new” blog and in my life. It led me to decide to be more positive…try and find a different approach to dealing with the “bad” in life. And to do my darndest to always write with some gratitude, compassion, and integrity!

 So, again…to every down, there is an up…and to every decision there is a price to pay…and some lessons are learned the hard way.

 May your day be filled with easy lessons, lots gratitude, and may you always find your silver linings!

Oprah Was Wrong!

Friday April 27: 5 Challenges. 5 Small Victories. Make a list of the 5 most difficult parts of your health focus. Make another top 5 list for the little, good things (small victories) that keep you going.

 Day 27- Good morning! Hhmmm…I’m thinking 5+5=10, so this is looking like a great opportunity for Friday’s Top Ten list…in two parts!

 It’s really kinda funny…I don’t generally think of things in terms of “challenges” and “victories”. I guess I tend to look at them more along the lines of “Whoop! Whoop!” and “epic fail”. (Because when I muck something up…I tend to do it BIG! *grin*) I also tend to forget things quickly…either from the current Swiss-cheese memory or because I’m morphing into an ADD raccoon and something sparkly just caught my eye. (Ooo…pinterest!)

 So, after much hard thinking and a few stops to look at fast moving, shiny objects…here’s what I came up with!

Top 5 “Whoop! Whoop!” moments of my “unfocussed” Focus! (in no particular order…’cause I’m random like that!)

1)      Managing to NOT be a non-stop crank-fest. Everyone has “bad” days. Sometimes they even stretch into weeks and months! I am no exception to that statement. Since I don’t write with any real “focus” (more like tons of caffeine) it would be so easy to slip into "bee-yatch mode" on those days. Fighting every morning to “turn that frown up-side down” without all the blood rushing to my head is something I work hard at. And, on those days I awake after a long night of brutal Gnome-beatings and manage to smile and laugh…I’m proud of me-self.

2)      Staying on-topic.  (Stop laughing at me!) I know…I know…but really, MOST of what I write about ties into living around or with chronic illness in some way, shape, or form. It may be like modern art every now and again…(ya know, turn your head side-ways, squint your right eye, and you can sort of see the picture…) but I usually end up taking the scenic route to the point. (Hey, life’s a journey…enjoy the ride!)

3)      Finding my groove. Hey, this one is a HUGE one for me! (And one I’m the very proud of.) Like most blog-writing-peoples, I read a lot as well…books, blogs, bathroom walls…and NOT slipping into the style of those I dig the most can be a big struggle for me. Not falling into the trap of writing what I THINK people want to read is one. I write like I speak, bad humor, bad grammar, and all (Although I tend to edit out most of the “crazy”…and foul language…most.)  Staying true to me is my bit of awesomeness to myself.

4)      Feedback from readers. I SO suffer from blog-envy every time I see a post with a crap-ton of comments! But the truth is…I’m one lucky zombie-chick! A lot of the people who read my writing have found me on facebook and "friended” me. I don’t just get to read and leave a reply to their thoughts about the day…we carry on EXTEDED “chats” about it, involving several people at once. It’s flippin’ AWESOME!

5)      Invisibly Ill. A few weeks ago, I took the plunge and started a FB page. It was intended as a place for those undiagnosed, misdiagnoses, or under-diagnoses to  come together and simply be who they are…dark humor, bad days, weird new symptoms, inappropriate laughter and all! Do in large part to the mad word-spreading skills of several readers, it’s slowly growing. (Thanks guys!)

Top 5 “Epic Fail” moments of my on-line insanity! (Again with the randomness…)

1)      Following the “rules” of blogging. Be short and to the point, don’t use bad grammar, loose the extra words…I SUCK AT ALL OF THESE! I ramble and weave in my writing like a drunk sailor at closing time…I know the rules of good grammar but refuse to use them. I like my long, drawn-out descriptions (sorry guys!) so I end up with two pages when I could have said it in three paragraphs. (Just like this explanation…so I’ll quit writing about it now…OK?...Good!)

2)      Tooting my own horn. I am rather a “shy gal” about this blog. OK, about my writing in general. I have only recently started posting links to it in various and sundry places about the web. I have truly failed miserably about LOUDLY telling EVERYONE about my health focus…why I write…what I want to be when I grow up. (Just NOT the way to begin a career in World Media Domination!)

The "Icy-Hot Smile" was a definite
FAIL!

3)      Being professional. This one is kinda a win-lose scenario…if I stay true to “my voice” there is no way in holy heck I’ll end up being professional about ANYTHING! Then again…if I’m not “professional” will anyone take me seriously in my attempts to make the world a better place? *sigh* What was it Sinatra said? “I gotta be me…”

4)      “Networking” This one probably falls under the umbrella of #2, but by this point I’m running out of ideas…Honestly, peoples…I tend to block the more horrific “fails” out of my psyche! After all, when you’re working with limited “memory” resources, some things have gotta go to make room for the new…*sorry*

I'm thinking about out-sourcing.
After all, these guys are true professionals!

5)      World Media Domination Ya know…Oprah makes this look so darned easy! But it is SO not! I have been writing for a whole SEVEN MONTHS and I still don’t even have my own book club or magazine. *sigh* I’ll just have to keep trying, I guess. (It’s always good to have goals!)

 So there you have it. The LONG and the not-so-short…but the always “me”.

 May your day be filled with at least one “Whoop! Whoop!” moment and void of “epic fails”. And, as always…lots of laughter!

Taggin' The Gnome!

Thursday April 26: Health tagline. Give yourself, your blog, your condition, or some aspect of your health a tagline. Make sure it’s catchy!

(The post my daughter BEGGED me NOT to write…)

 Day 26- Good morning! This morning I woke up with a burning desire to talk about Gnomes. Not the cute little buggers that live in your gardens, the animated, singing guys from kid’s movies, or even the ones with questionable ethics from folk lore. Nope, none of those! I’m talking the invisible little bug-suckers that carry giagantamous sledgehammers and “WHACK!” you when you’re not looking!

 “But that’s not the prompt for today! I see NOTHING in it about Gnomes…invisible or otherwise.”

 “Fine! Prompt…tagline…Got it covered…‘cause I already HAVE a tagline. ‘Where health and humor meet in a head-on collision!’ There ya go. Now, as I was saying about those Gnomes…”

 “Now wait a darned minute! That’s kinda lame, isn’t it? What? You just re-state what’s already on the page and move on? No explanation? No creativity? That’s it?”

 “Look…I was so freaked out about the potential Adults reading my blog, that I read a ‘How To’ blogging book. One of the things it said you HAD to do was create some kind of catchy tagline. OK? So I wracked my brain and the best I could come up with is what ya got. Besides…it’s a PERFECT description of what I do! Sometimes you get lucky and everyone makes it out unscathed and sometimes it’s an absolute train wreck that should never see the light of ‘Publish’. Now…let me tell you about the darned Gnomes!”

 “No, no NO! You’re telling me you don’t need to stick to today’s prompt because you read a book?”

 *sigh* “No, I’m telling you I DID stick to today’s prompt. I created a tagline…NOW I’m telling you that this is Janine…she’s a deceptively adorable little Gnome…with a sledgehammer…and PMS…can I please continue?”

 *nervous gulp* “Um…sure. Please go on…”

 “OK…as I was SAYING…Dang it! I forgot……”

These guys are so EVIL, they'll even beat the Care right outta
the Bear!

The Gnome Theory

 The otherworldly pain of both Fibromyalgia and Migraines has been explained numerous ways…scientifically, theoretically, but never yet Gnome-ily. That’s right. The world is actually filled with invisible Gnomes carrying very LARGE sledgehammers. Occasionally, one of these viscous little guys (although, the gals are FAR worse, owning to the “swing” of hormones that fuels the more brutal “swings” of their hammers) will decide to take up residence inside a human body.

 Once it makes itself at home, does some minor redecorating, and throws a monster House Warming party for the ages, it get down to work.

 Those shooting pains you get with the weather changes? Gnomes! Those sudden aches and muscle spasms that hit outta nowhere? Gnomes! The headaches and migraines that feel like your head is attempting to pop open like a ready-to-eat bag of Jiffy-Pop? Gnomes!

 These dastardly little guys and their sledgehammers know no bounds…or shame! They delight in your every groan, moan, and whimper. They play teeter-totter with you internal thermostat…leading to all those days you just can NOT get comfy. (The “Too-hot Too-cold” game…)

 They also use your natural energy source to power all their appliances…and they are NOT energy-conscious. (That’s where the severe fatigue actually comes from!)

 Hopefully, one day Science will find an answer to the Gnome Scourge that riddles and attacks our bodies. But, until that day, the only known way to fend the little dirt-munchers off is profuse, LOUD shouting at whichever body part they’re currently attacking. So, next time you come across someone screaming obscenities at their legs, arms, hands, or head…they’re NOT crazy. They’re simply fighting the good fight!

 May your day be filled with quiet laughter, so as not to wake the Gnomes! Stay strong, my friends! Stay strong…

...One Word...

Wednesday April 25: Third person post. Write about a memory you have but describe it  using the third person. Use as many sensory images (sights, sounds, textures, etc) as you can. Don’t use “I” or “me” unless you include dialogue.

 Day 25- She walked into the room. In all reality, it was more of a lop-sided stagger, but hubby's quick, reassuring hand on the small of her back kept her from bouncing off the left side of the door frame…again!

 She took a deep breath as she looked around yet ANOTHER examining room. Damn! It was hot in here. NOT a good thing, since her brain slowed to the mental ability of thick pudding with too much heat. Double damn!

 The room smelled like beige…same, not quite sterile, not quite pleasant, just the boring smell of examination rooms across the world. It would be so flippin’ NICE if just once someone would spray something soothing in the friggin’ air. At least they could play, “What’s that odor?” while they waited. But…too many people allergic to too many things…so always just “beige.”

 She sat on the exam table and swung her legs like a child while she waited…and waited…and waited on the Neurosurgeon. “Help me, Obie Won Kenobi…you’re my only hope!”  Finally, the Physician’s Assistant came in for the hundredth round of “stupid human tricks”…finger on nose, stand on one leg, walk on heels…toes…close your eyes…sway like a drunk sailor…try not to cuss like one! Hubby on one side and the Ass. On the other so someone could catch her if she proved not to be a Weeble. (Ya know…they wobble but they don’t fall down…) Now, back up on the table to await the Doc.

 This was a pattern they had repeated over and over for the last year. Everyone agreed there was “something” off, but no one could pin it down. The latest “diagnosis” was a compressed nerve in her neck…C5-C6 vertebral compression. This hopefully awesome gent today was tasked with being the final word on the matter, since the completely UN-awesome guy before had dropped the ball. How screwed up was it that she was hoping they would tell her they needed to pop her neck open like a baked potato? Funny how the unthinkable can become your best option…

 After what seemed like YEARS in the sweatbox of a room, the Neuro Guy came in…looking perplexed. Double, triple damn! So NOT a good sign!

 “I’ve looked at all of your films. I found no evidence of nerve damage.  Saw some arthritis and some calcium deposits, but that’s normal for a woman your age.” (Really? She’d now reached the point in life where things have “a woman your age” added on. Great!) “Tell me, what exactly did your Neurologist say again?”

 “BBBLLLLAAAHHHHHH!” The flood gates opened in the confusion brought on by the heat and the disappointment brought on by his words. Her hubby, sitting in the corner and currently doing his best to blend into the wallpaper, winced at what he knew would follow. Her eyes crossed and more than a little spittle flew as she spewed all her disgust for the last two Neurologists out in a torrent of anger. (And possibly a few obscenities…)

 When she finally would down like a toy with dying batteries, the poor guy in the crisp, white coat simply smiled. This was obviously nothing new to him. “I want you to see a different Neurologist…and a Rheumatologist.”

 This was the point hubby leaned forward and asked, “What does a Rheumatologist do exactly?”

 Since the heat had short-circuited the cut-off switch between her brain and her mouth, she automatically chimed in with, “They treat things like Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, and Fibromyalgia.”

 “And Scleroderma.”

 Her head slowly turned to look at the Neuro Guy. This was a word she was unfamiliar with. Her stomach did a simultaneous sink-like-a-stone-tie-in-a-knot thing as her eyes focused on the fact that he was now staring at the floor.

 Hubby asked something or other and he and the Neuro Guy started a conversation…possibly…Her brain was currently doing its damnedest to make the neurons fire through the thickening mud that filled her head where thoughts should have been. Time simply no longer existed while one word ricocheted around in the mind-mud. Scleroderma. What the hell?

 Lupus…Multiple Sclerosis…Fibromyalgia…Never Damage. These she was familiar with. She and her daughter even had a $5 bet riding on whether it was Lupus or MS, the two front-runners in the “Race to the Diagnosis.” And even when those had been tossed into the ring, the Docs had looked her in the eye. Heck, even the bug-eating-son-of-a-hell-hound that had told her she needed to see a shrink, since it was all in her head had looked her in the eye.

 The men finished their conversation. She remembered thanking Neuro Guy and pinballing down the hall to the window where they set the appointments for the new Neurologist and the Rheumatologist. The “walk” (really more of a trip-stagger) to the car and drive home was a blur. The only thing about the rest of the day that took hold and stuck in her brain was one thought…

 ”Funny how one word can change everything…”