Pox And Karma's Short-List

My Mom and Grandma's thing about
putting socks on your hands to keep
from scratching? Believe it or not,
you can actually sand the flesh from
your bones with a sock!

 Good morning! I have bumps! Not cute speckles, not adorable freckles, not even a mildly annoying rash, but BUMPS! I’m itchy, bumpy, and possibly contagious…(and did I mention itchy?) And hubby is blaming the chipmunk.

 Yesterday I was forced to cancel my awesome pool physical therapy session since I was breaking out in in Mystery Yuck. Not knowing if I could possibly yuckify the rest of the world, I opted instead (OK, I was kinda, sorta forced…) to see my Doc in a quest for an answer.

 And…I came home empty handed. (OK, I came home with antihistamines and hydrocortisone cream, but it’s a metaphor, so stop being so literal people!)

 “Contact Dermatitis” AKA “I don’t know what your gross bumpy-stuff is so I’ll give it a fancy name and do everything I can not to touch you. Now please go before you accidentally ooze on something I’ll have to sterilize.” Yep, THAT’S what I was told I gots!

 Actually, the Nurse Practitioner was very polite and professional…especially when she asked me to please not repeat my attempt to show her the ones on my bum, but instead try to find a few I didn’t need to drop trou to expose. (Her exact words were, "Do you have any you could show me that don't require you to disrobe?") Oh…and also that I needed to go home and check my mattress for bed bugs. BED BUGS!?! She was even kind enough to pull up a TON of pictures for me, so I knew exactly what I was looking for.

 (Ummm…what I asked next was in no way, shape or form retaliation for those pictures. Just sayin’…) Poor hubby and The Girl are also broke out in bumpies, so hubby had asked if the anti-snuggling chipmunk could have contaminated our home with some form of alien creeping crud…So I may or may not have posed a question about the possibility of rabid chipmunks spreading body lice…

 After that, I was met with the blankest of nervous stares and all talk of parasites stopped. Then I was ushered out with scripts for the antihistamine and the cream…and as little physical contact as was humanly possible. (The only way there could have been less contact would have been if they had handed me my “visit summation” with kitchen tongs!)

 Now, I am the mother of four offspring. I am familiar with all manner of bumps, lumps, rashes, outbreaks, and funky skin goo…I have seen things that would make most non-parents pass out, puke, or cry.  And I know chickenpox when I see it.

 I asked the NP about chickenpox and was nicely poo-pooed over the fact that I had them before. Guess what? After a bit of web-crawling, I discovered that 8% of people who have had chickenpox GET THEN AGAIN! (Are you kidding me? What other health myths of our childhoods were lies? *shudders at the thought*)

 Of course, there are many other viruses that can appear the same as the pox…but since no one wants to touch my leper self, all there is for it is to wait it out…and try not to scratch! (OK, I told my daughter not to scratch, but I’m past the age of giving a damn about pox marks on my belly, thighs, or hinny…so I’ve been scratching like a champ! I have removed plugs of skin that might require a skin graft to repair! I have managed to peel off sections that a potato peeler would be proud to claim as its work!)

 So for now, I’m fairly sequestered in the house with the crankiest daughter known to man. We are prisoners of courtesy (not wanting to spread whatever “joy” we’re currently scratching) existing on a steady diet of pop tarts, microwave popcorn, rootbeer floats, and horror movies. (It’s a hard way to live, but don’t worry…we’re fighting the good fight!)



Sclero Bob re-enacts the
external skiddie for your
viewing pleasure!

  Oh…one last thing before I go. To the gentleman in line ahead of me at the pharmacy, I’m sorry! I just couldn’t bring myself to give you a heads-up about your “condition” so the afternoon’s resulting laughter at your expense was kinda my fault.

 (He was wearing pale khaki shorts and some “color” caught my eye as he was impatiently shifting his weight from foot-to-foot. After I actually looked? Right over the “bulls-eye” there was a DARK BROWN STREAK about an inch and a half long and maybe ½ inch wide! I simply could not bring myself to tell him he had an exterior skiddie, which would have meant admitting I had visually perused him butt-region. I mean, how does one tell a total stranger that to the rest of the world it looks like he had an “oopsie-poopsie” moment!?!)

 So I’m a bad person who really needs to NOT fart on public for a while because I’m probably on Karma’s short-list right now…

 May your day be filled with safe gas-expulsions, NO itching, and the joy of knowing you’re nowhere near me (or the possibly diseased chipmunk) so you’re safe from contamination!

Gratitude, Oprah, And Senior Keg-Stands!

 Good morning! According to my hubby, I am a militant, anti-gratitude, angry, preachy person! That’s right guys…apparently I stood up-on a soapbox and loudly declared, “Gratitude blows!” without even knowing it!

 It all started when I asked him to read yesterday’s post I wrote in a migraine-med fog and wanted an un-medicated opinion as to whether or not it made much sense.  

Hubby: "It makes sense, but you kinda went on a tangent."

Me: "HOW!?!...."

Hubby: "Yeah. You REALLY got on your soap box for that one, didn’t ya? You just sounded all preachy about anti-gratitude…and you hate Oprah."

Me: "Hey! Leave the whole “Oprah” argument out of this! And I was NOT preaching! I love gratitude! You missed the whole freakin’ point…"

Hubby: "That one really kinda scared me…all the yelling about “Love!” and stuff…" *all speaking stops as something “good” comes on Sports Center*

Me: *starting to yell* "I wasn’t yelling, I was being funny. Didn’t you read the funny parts?"

Hubby: "I think I missed those…but I read the whole thing. Where was the funny supposed to be? I just got that you hate gratitude and Oprah…"

Me: "I WAS MEDICATED!!!!!!"

 After that, it kinda devolved into some foul-language chaos, which to him ultimately proved he was correct in his assessment of my anti-gratitude-Oprah stance. (He views any “discussion” that ends with me having an attack of unintelligible potty-mouth as a win in his column!)

 But..I got even! You see, yesterday also happened to be my Mother-In-law’s Birthday. (I love you Nana!) We celebrated by taking her out to dinner at the half-way-mark between our towns…

 The company was great, the food wasn’t bad, and the service…blew chunks! (Not literally…that would have been gross!) At the end of our meal, (which I had spent being rather silent because I was secretly using my phone under the table to time the Server) the Manager came over to wish Nana a Happy Birthday and do the standard “good-natured ribbing of the Birthday person…who in this case is a 68 year old, retired, as-straight-laced-as-they-come Teacher.



A REALLY good sport who
does NOT look her age!
(I think our joking keeps her young!)

  He started with the whole, “Don’t party to much…” schtick…and I erased my good-behavior, brownie points by opening my mouth...

Me: “Hey Nana, isn't the Senior Ladies Quilting Group throwing you a kegger later?”

Nana: “WHAT!?!" (Realizing it's a joke but it's me...so this could get REAL "ugly" REAL quick) "Oh, yes. He...He..."

Hubby: “Oh yeah…those Ladies REALLY know how to party!”

Me: (Looking sweetly at seriously confused Manager) “You should see Nana do a keg-stand! She’s amazing!”

Huuby: “Yeah, Nana’s a pro at Beer-Pong!” (See why I love this guy?)

Nana: “Oh my…” *insert forced nervous laughter here*

Me: “Hay Nana, after you’re all buzzed, weren’t you guys gonna call the Men’s Whittling Group over for body shots?”

My Daughter: “Yeah! And then they’re gonna play Strip-Bingo!” (She takes after her Mother. I’m so proud!)

 After that? Our side of the table was falling over in the booth, scream-laughing, the Manager was completely lost as to what the hell to do with THIS, and poor Nana? I’ve never seen a woman turn so many shades of red! Blushing? NOT EVEN CLOSE!

 So you see, hubby, one lone man, may think I’m an anti-gratitude Oprah-hater, but an entire Restaurant KNOWS I’m pro Senior PAR-TAY HAR-DAY. So I win!

Vince Offer

 May your day be filled with love and GRATITDE (see honey, I’m all for it!), all of the “O” Network you choose to watch, and your Senior years filled with Jell-O shots and all the “bad” behavior your heart desires!

PS I think I just figured out how to make my millions…I’ll invent a safety harness for Senior keg-stands! I can even have the totally AWESOME ShamWow Guy sell it for me. That way? I can not only provide a much-needed service but fulfill my life-long dream of meeting the guy in person at the same time! BONUS!!!!

What Do You Love As Much As Mud And Worms?

 Good morning! “Today I love…” What comes next?

 For those who stop by here on a regular basis, you may have noticed that more often than not, those three words are going to be the first thing in my Facebook feed…(Behold the mighty FB!) (Sorry, couldn’t resist mocking it...just a little...) You’ve also probably never really wondered why…after all, people post all kinds of random “My life is so cool” crap on FB, and I’m no exception.  But in this case, maybe you should wonder…

 About six months ago (give or take a month or two. What? You think I work on a linear timeline? Pfft!)…as I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, a few months ago a friend sort of threw out a challenge. A wonderful, joyous woman named Caitlin challenged me to start every day with at least three things I loved about the day ahead. Sounds simple enough, right?

 Caitlin’s reasoning behind this little morning exercise was that actively seeking out things to be happy about set the tone for the day. And honestly? It works!

 Since the first day I “gave it a shot” I think I’ve missed posting my “Today I love” list only once. I’ve found it truly does make a difference in the way I feel at the outset of my day. No matter what else is ex-ploding or im-ploding in my life, I can still find a way to look at things that puts a smile on my face.

 Migraine mornings? (Welcome to today!) "I LOVE the fact that I was lucky enough to find a rescue med that works!" Wake-up after a night of vicious Gnome-beatings? "I love the fact that I have an anamazingly comfy couch to be a slug on and a family that’s supportive enough to give that extra help I’m gonna need!" Have an early-morning GAWD-AWFUL test scheduled? "I love the fact that there’s a vat of coffee and a fudge-brownie sundae waiting at the other end…"

I love the fact that there are
people crazier than me, as
evidenced by this screwed-
up dessert idea!

 I know there are a million different blogs about daily gratitude. I know there are at least two million other types of Daily Gratitude Movements floating around out there. (Probably no less than ten of them started by my nemisis in the quest for World Media Domination, the mighty Oprah herself!) But I think this is a slightly different angle on the idea.

 You’ve probably figured out by now I have this "odd thing" about words. There are just some of them that roll around on your tongue like a toddler learning to do their first summersault. They’re just FUN to say…the energy that comes with them can’t help but make you smile.(flabbergasted, conundrum, onomatopoeia [I love you spellcheck!], flummoxed) Words can carry such BIG energy and ideas…

 For me, that’s the difference between saying, “Today I am grateful for,” and, “Today I love!” It’s all about the energy…the dynamic world-hug, dancing in the flowers in the meadow, splashing in mud puddles, finger painting with your mashed potatoes, and laughing so hard Diet Dr. Pepper comes out of your nose energy!

 Gratitude is so much more peaceful…serene…almost a deep in thought, Buddha smile on your lips, finding the balance and tranquility in your life, reclaiming the wonder of your inner-child, border-line passive space to be in…

 Me? Screw reclaiming anything from my inner-child. I want to make mud-pies and dig for worms (then name them and create wormy-family histories) with this kid! I want to have contests to see who can catch the most lightening bugs or who can eat the most green apples. Who can jump the highest when you’re chasing a dust-devil or who can laugh the loudest! I WANT TO PLAY!

 And that is the difference for me! Not so much quieting my mind and finding peace in my soul, but instead living large-and-in-charge living out-loud! Finding something fun to do and doing it BIG! (That includes my screw-ups too…if I’m gonna FUBAR, I’m gonna FUBAR huge! That way? It removes the question as to whether you meant to do that or not…just gets the whole pointing-and-laughing thing right out there in the open!)

 So today, I’m gonna pass on the “challenge” (kinda like chickenpox, only it doesn’t itch or cause as much of a rash…) For the next week, try starting your day by finding as many things as you can come up with that you LOVE about the day ahead! They can be as big or small as you want to make them. It could even be as simple as, “Today I love the fact that there are only three meals to prepare in a day and one of them is cereal!” or, “Today I love that the Sun will set in another 13 ½ hours and I can start over again tomorrow.”

Mud pies...fun AND profitable!

 I would LOVE to see what you come up with! (You know…that whole “comments” thingy at the bottom? You could even type it in there…*doubles over laughing at lack of subtlety*) And if you’re more of a laid-back, gentle soul? Go with the Gratitude angle for a more relaxed approach.

 May your day be filled with more things to love and be grateful for than you have space to put them in, big messy, fun with your inner child, and any “oops” moments that occur? May the be just as big, sloppy, and spectacular as a soupy, mud pie!

Like The Addams Family, Only Better!

 Good morning! I’m sitting here at my so-called desk (more a pile of barely-controlled chaos) watching the Sun start to peek over the horizon. The early morning beauty is simply amazing and I catch myself thinking…”What the heck am I doing up this early? I’m ready for a nap!”

Torn between two lovers...

 Just goofin’! What I’m REALLY thinking is how much I love the fact that since no one in their right mind (which obviously leaves me out of the equation) is up this early, I’m able to have cold pizza and Oreo cookies for breakfast and no one’s around to stop me! I’m telling you what, peoples…those Oreo Fudge Cremes? They are my new, true love! (Sorry Lucky Charms Bars…you are SO last week!) (Oh, and if the Oreo cookie guys wanna send me a crate of these bits of awesomeness as a “Thank you” for the free testimonial? They can e-mail me for my home address!)

 Speaking of no one in their right mind…I talk about my family frequently but I’ve never “properly” introduced them. So this morning? I thought maybe you’d like a peek at the young minds I’ve helped shape. (And remember…these are the Leaders of Tomorrow!) (Also? My daughter is the only one who ever reads this, so I should be fairly safe against retaliation!)



The Boomerang Kid

 This is my oldest, AKA “The Boomerang Kid.” He can usually be found in his natural basement habitat, gaming and chatting on-line with others of his “basement dwelling” tribe. Due to an on-going lack of exposure to the natural elements, his skin is a pasty-white and he’s easily identifiable by his intriguing “odor” and distinct call of, “Mom! Will you reset the wireless router again?” (He is SO gonna kill me if he ever hears about this!)

My little "Easy Rider." LOL!

 My second born is the comedian of the family. Although he spent his formative years (like up ‘til age 18) sporting a unique “bowl-cut” doo and wearing NOTHING but baggy sweat pants and black T-shirts (we determined early on he had a horrible allergy to underwear), he’s recently morphed into a neo-hippie lookin’ dude who many apparently approach in search of “somthin’-somethin”…(This kid? As strait-laced as they come…which makes this even MORE hilarious!)

 This one is slightly more difficult to find in the wild due to his ability to turn side-ways and disappear from sight. (Eat something, damn it!)

Her PMS gets REALLY
ugly! (And yes, she IS gonna
kill me for that crack!)

 My third born, "the girl” as she’s more commonly known, is the shy, quiet one in the house. (Which makes it so VERY gratifying to mess with her! And oh, so easy…) She has somehow managed to survive life with three brothers (and me) with both her sanity and sense of humor intact. (She’s also the World’s greatest “strait-man” to my daily hijinks, as well as my personal assistant and walking memory-bank…)

 "The girl” tends to be a reclusive creature, spending her time in her room writing (she is one heck of an amazing horror writer!), emerging only in search of cats to cuddle or new books to read.



Rare pic, since he HATES
 being  photographed!



 My youngest male-child is the gentle-giant of the family, coming in at a little over 6’3”! He’s a natural-born comedian in the style of…OK, think Steven Wright, Louie Anderson, and Lewis Black genetic-splice…(There’s a picture for ya!)

 "The boy” spends most of his time sequestered in his room plotting his escape from what he refers to as “his crazy family and this boring state.” If you’re attempting to track him in the wild, you need only follow the sounds of video-game explosions and maniacal laughter. (Or listen for the sounds of him yelling, “Don’t even ask!” in regards to ANYTHING I do!)



That? Is what we call "The Look."
And yes, I see it often!



 My hubby is more of a Ring Master around here. (We really do introduce him as my “handler”!) Or maybe he’s more of a Ring Leader…tough call.  He’s a feisty little Irishman who’s every bit as nuts as I am…but hides it MUCH better!

  Yes folks, these are the people who put up with me in all my glory! The amazing kids who vow daily to never be seen with me in public again, threaten to drug me into unconsciousness just to shut me up, and frequently ask each other, “Is Mommy drinking, or is she having one of THOSE days?” *falls over in chair laughing at this because it’s all TRUE* (These are also the kids that I frequently hear whispering amongst themselves, nervously wondering how much of “crazy” is genetic.) They are also the BEST support system I could EVER hope for!



Hubby’s so cool, that when he got home
from work yesterday and saw this
 sitting in the living room? Didn’t even
 ask!  Just paused for a minute,
looked at me, shook his head, and
then  kept on going…

 

 May your day be filled with a family that’s as full of love and quirks as mine is, all the laughter you can stand, and no one attempting to “slip you a mickey” so they can have a few moments of peace and quiet!

The Good, The Bad, And The Naked



So it's a sleeping kitten and not a
sleeping Muse. It's cute!
(And who doesn't like cute?)



 Good morning! I’m sitting here waiting for the coffee to kick in and inspiration to hit. (The stupid Muse must be sleeping in today, lucky little weenie!) (One sentence, five type-o’s…this does not bode well for the day…)

 Well, it’s Friday again, so it’s "Top Ten" time! Since I can't seem to come up with anything good, I'll just go all "pratical" on you guys and lay out the top ten things I learned this week...

  Top Ten Things I May Or May Not Have Learned This Week!

     1)      Fleas are zombies! Or maybe it was fleas are the new cockroaches. Either way? You CAN’T KILL THEM! And I am NOT alone in this conundrum! Several people told me yesterday that they have also been fighting the jumping vampires…and possibly loosing. (Also? We determined that shaving your pets with the thought in mind that no hair = no fleas…probably wouldn’t work.) (Oh, and also? Messing with my Rheumy by passing off the flea bites on my ankle as a weird, worrisome new symptom would be HIL-A-RI-OUS….but a BAD thing to do!)

 One friend was freakin’ awesome enough to send me a link for something that worked for her, Borax!  I could be all like, “I’m gonna do this NOW and let you know how it works!” But the sad truth is, I’m a lazy woman by nature…and we have ALL wood floors…and it looks like a LOT of work to get this stuff in ALL the cracks…so instead I’ll say, “Hey! If any of you guys try this, let me know how it works!”

     2)      I learned I give GREAT advice! Yesterday my youngest and I were headed to the store (bird food run) when the kid looks over at me and says, “I didn’t put on any underwear.”

 So I dipped deep, down into the “Mommy Bank” and came back with this, “Well then…my best advice is don’t drop your pants in public.” How’s THAT for amazing advice! (I’m so good at this Mommy thing, no wonder my kids all made it to adulthood!)

3)        I learned I LIKE seeing my name in public print, especially when it’s for a great cause! The Scleroderma Foundation has an on-line store where they are selling T-shirts for Scleroderma Awareness Month. (Yeah, that’d be this month!) The Sclerodoodle Contest I entered? I didn’t win (Congrats to Molly Gaines!) but they turned ALL the final 15 into T-shirts! So yeah…you can wear me…*cheesy self-promoting-for-a-good-cause grin*

     4)      I learned that the laws of gravity as we know them do not apply when you enter the pool at a Physical Therapy facility. Yes, you enter the water and everything is all hunky-dory…until it’s time to get out. Then? All specific-gravity-hell breaks loose.

 You know darned well what you weighed when you entered, but as you climb those stairs an extra 75 pounds is added to your frame with every step! (I swear, the crushing weight was so extreme, I was two inches shorter by the time I hit the locker room!)

5)       I learned that I find great joy in spam-retaliation! I have slowly been gaining skills in my Tweet-quest (I’m so proud of myself!) and as I do, I’ve been gaining followers. Perhaps I’m an odd-ball here, but I’m all about quality over quantity! I would MUCH rather have few people I actually interact with (socializing on a social network? What the heck is wrong with me!?!) than have a bunch of numbers that do nothing but send out ads. So, I really do “screen” the “followers” I get before I "follow" back.

 Every now and then, someone manages to slip by me…someone who believes I am nothing more than a “target audience” for their flippin’ adverts! THAT’S where it gets fun! I cannot describe the joy I get from sending messages like, “In case you failed to notice, I am in fact a person and not an ad campaign target!” or “Try saying ‘Hello Chris!’ (or at least buy me a drink) before you hit me with DM ads!”

 (And yes, I giggle just a little every time I click the “report and block” button….)

6)       In a “You broke my heart Fredo” moment  (Bonus points for anyone who got the Godfather reference!) I learned my daughter doesn’t think I’m as funny as I think I am! (Don’t worry honey, I didn’t put a hit out on you…yet…) (Just kiddin’!) (…about the “yet” part…)

7)       I discovered that people think anti-snuggling chipmunks are hilarious! Also? They love pictures of dead squirrels. (Who knew!)

8)       I learned I’m a MASTER at the use of technical terms…Yesterday the new Rheumy called about a scheduled EMG (where they insert a “small” probe into your muscle and manually stimulate said muscle to see if it has any discernible problems) on my lazy right thigh muscle…*sigh* He wanted to debate (a second time) the fact that one had already been done. So (again) I had to cover the fact that they did an NCS (where they basically zap the nerve with a “mild” electic current and time how long it takes the signal to travel), NOT in fact the EMG the record indicated…

       ”You know, they zapped me with the Taser-gun-looking thingy, not the turkey-is-done pokey thing. They only Tasered  me…”

 In his favor? It only took me repeating this statement two more times and an additional 30 seconds of dead silence for him to decipher what the hell I was talking about! (Yay Rheumy!)

9)      I  learned that if you go down the steps off our kitchen, at the bottom you’ll find a basement. If you make a hard right when you hit the basement and step over the pond created by the *insert creative combination of foul language here* A/C you will find this thing called a washing machine! You know what the thing does? It WASHES CLOTHES! Yeah, just like magic!

 You know what else? After about 50 trips up and down those stupid steps, my laundry is FINALLY caught up! (Now? No one is allowed to change clothes for at least a week to keep it that way!) (No kidding family! It’s that or forced nudity…your choice…)

 And last but not least…

10)    I learned I dig the idea of giving back! I may be up to my neck in debt and only able to drop belly button lint in donation jars, BUT there are other ways to give…

 This came across my Facebook page yesterday from the “Buckle Me Up” International Autoimmune Arthritis Movement. (IAAM)

“You may or may not know, but our CEO and Founder is also an artist by trade and will be teaming up with Jenna Dye Visscher of The Feeding Edge/Art for Good to launch a unique IAAM fundraiser that will blend art for sale, which will benefit ...IAAM, blended with socializing with Autoimmune Arthritis peeps around the world! If you or someone you know is:

1. An Artist- of any fine art media that can be used on a paper backdrop (paint, ink, pencil, watercolor, charcoal, pastels).

2. An Artist who is willing to donate work to benefit a great cause

3. An Artist who is interested in being involved in a game-changer type of fundraiser never before done inside of our community.

Know someone? Please have them email Tiffany at tiffany@IAAMovement.org!

And be sure to check out Jenna's site at http://thefeedingedge.com/”

 I did drop the nice Lady a line asking for more info. If any of you artists out there would be interested in pitching in and helping out, let me know and I’ll post any additional info I get here!

 So there ya have it…the good (doing my part to help out some great causes), the bad (evil, flying chipmunks, dead squirrels and zombie fleas), and the naked! (You guys think I’m joking? Just try throwing some laundry in the basket and SEE what happens!!!)

 May your day be filled with warm , fuzzy feelings, good friends, a little learning, and NO SPAM!!!!

Dear Gypsy...I'm Sorry Already!

 Good morning! If you can hear me, THIS? Is a cry for help! Over the course of the last several days I have become convinced that…*insert sinister music here*…my life is cursed! *big finish with more sinister music*

I got a candle, garlic, a
potato (hey, ya never know!),
a pink Chicken of Happiness,
a "How To" book. No Holy
Water, but air freshener
might help.... 

 Stop laughing and rolling your eyes for a minute, please. I’m being totally serious here! Last night was the PERFECT example of the curse enacting its terrifying revenge…it was *quivers with the horror of the memory* a chipmunk!

 Hubby came home from work and we were “snuggling” when a picture from the window sill fell on his head. He reached up to put it back when a flippin’ full grown CHIPMUNK LAUNCHED ITSELF AT US!!!! (A chipmunk…on the window sill…in our bedroom…what the be-jeepers, people!?!)

 Needless to say, our cuddle-time turned into a full-scale chase worthy of a scene from Scooby Doo involving a box, a VERY upset chipmunk, and lots of foul language and scream-laughing! (The scream-laughing? Yeah, that was me…But I'm convinced that was what scared the little guy into the box, so I WAS being helpful! HA!)

 Then…there are the fleas! FLEAS! I have never felt so “yummy” in my entire life! And really, I’d take it as a compliment from the little blood-sucking bastards, but they bite everyone else in the house as well. And since I just KNOW I HAVE to taste better than a few of my offspring, I don’t think the fleas have a very “discerning pallet.” So instead of it being a commentary on my yumminess, it becomes nothing more than full-scale assault on the household!

 We have tried everything we can think of to turn the tide of battle, but nothing is working! (OK, everything that doesn’t carry a warning about the fact that it’ll kill humans and critters quicker than it will the fleas…) I shower daily. I am a clean individual. Yet, I’m also an individual who will occasionally use a kitty-cat’s flea comb on my head! (I ask you, what is wrong with this picture?)

 Now, we’ll move on to the situation with the electronics in my life. They die. A lot. ALL of them! My house goes through electronic gadgets like…a chipmunk you’re attempting to catch in a box! In the six years we’ve lived in this house, we as a collective family have gone through two desktop computers (with a third one currently glitching like me without pain meds and a flea comb!), two and a half laptops, and my mini note book is dying a slow, painful death as I type!

Not sure which, but one of these is
destines for use in "repairing" the A/C.
(And no...do not even ask WHY I
happen to have a pointy-tipped battle
 axe laying about the house...)

 That doesn’t even include the no-less-than TEN mp3 players! (With two still-sort-of functioning ones that lock up from time-to-time…) Or any of the four DVD players, the late and great VHS player, the EXPENSIVE sound system hubby got for Father’s Day, or the multiple TV’s that imploded. And the A/C…

 Ah…the A/C. The bain (next to the fleas) of my existence. My dear, dedicated hubby does battle with this monstrosity like the Dad from “A Christmas Story” battled his furnace! Over the past six years there has been a veritable Sea of blood, sweat (literally) and tears (also litterally) shed over this thing! (Not to mention the amount of foul language put forth into the Universe!) And all for naught. *sad sigh* Year after year, it freezes-up, blows the same damned fuse at least once a year, and leaks water all over my basement! (Basically? It does everything BUT cool the freakin’ house!)

 And you just KNOW the lack of sweet, sweet cold air leads to the plague of bee-yatch-i-ness in the home! It’s 92 degrees outside with a heat index of well over 100 and somewhere around 3oo% humidity! (You’ve just GOTTA love Indiana weather!) Inside the house, everyone has positioned themselves directly in front of one of the million fans, spread-eagle like a cat in a sun-beam. And no one speaks to one another out of fear of having their head bit-off in a fit of heat-induced rage! (I’m pretty sure I saw my daughter begin to foam-at-the-mouth over a simple question yesterday, but I’m not sure…because when I saw the look in her eyes…I RAN!) (OK, I limp-hop-dragged, but the concept is the same.)

One of the MANY awesome "toys"
that have been drug in through the
stupid cat door.
(What was I thinking!?!)

 So you see…my life really is cursed! And do NOT even try to use logic like my hubby does with me. It’ll get you nowhere! So I was an idiot and installed a cat door which the furry buggers frequently use to bring in “toys” and “snacks”…so what if our yard is sandy (which the fleas LOVE) and I refuse to spray because of the free-ranging birds. Don’t even point out the fact that the A/C was ancient and jimmy-rigged when we moved in or that most of our electronics were second-hand (and in use 24/7 with wiring from the early 60’s).  That kind of sense-making just doesn’t work with me!

 What I REALLY need is a Gypsy…or a Shaman…someone to appease the spirits and tell me how many cloves of garlic I need to hang to lift this dark cloud…So, if anyone has the number for a good Medium who could communicate with the Other Side and let me know just what I did to miff-off the Spirits and how to fix it? I’d be ever so grateful!

 May your day be COMPLETELY free of curses (and fleas and chipmunks), you’re A/C work like a champ, and your path free of Gypsies you could accidently offend and end up with one of them looking at you and whispering, “Dumb-ass!”

PS  I just watched hubby trip over a mountain of mis-placed laundry in an attempt to get ready for work. I told him I should have included the "scourge of the ever-growing dirty clothes" in my list of curses. He told me it wasn't a curse, that I just needed keep-up with it or make the kids help me...That? Just shows what he knows about curses! (See what I have to deal with?)

Life Gets A Mandatory Dance-Break

 Good morning! “…My love waits for me on the fields of Tennessee, I can hear my children calling out my name, ‘Cause I’m free!..” “…I am a middle class home, I am a worn out banjo. I’ll never dance in Swan Lake, I’ll never play the cello. I am the Northern Lights. I am invisible. I am a dandelion, I am forever wild…” “…Homebound,…tired of running town to town, tired of my heart turned upside down. Now my life’s a smile and not a frown…You got my soul singing!...” OK, what do these three quotes have in common? Tune in tomorrow for the answer!

(Just kiddin’!) They’re all quotes from songs on possibly the weirdest playlist of all times! And these three were chosen because the first makes me smile one of those deep, peaceful-joy smiles, the second makes me laugh with pure abandon, and the third…MANDATORY DANCE BREAK! (Guess what? I recorded it…then watched it. Ummm…no! Sorry…)

 A year or so ago, I created a playlist of songs that summed up my views, thoughts, and feelings on life, love, and living. Yes, I created a playlist for my own Wake. *short giggle fit at how weird that looks in print* No, I was not ready to “check-out” but it really seemed like a great idea at the time! (You know, take some of the pressure off of loved ones who are in charge of the tunes…) (Umm…remember, I am a World-class music-junkie!)

 Besides, I didn’t want any of those sappy “Good-Bye” songs or the coma-inducing “Celestial Organ Music.” I wanted songs about LIVING…LAUGHING…JOY! Also? They needed a beat you could dance to! (Because who doesn’t want to dance at a Wake!?!)

 What I actually ended up with was a 114 song playlist about my life…what I loved about it and what I want it to be. (Doesn’t sound so darned morbid now, does it? HA!) And I’ve discovered that at times when I’m overwhelmed by the piles of crap I trip and fall into or the stress of self-imposed pressures, I can listen to it and remember what it is I want to be doing…what’s REALLY important to me.

 “Why the heck are you talking about this and why do I care?” Hey! Thanks for asking!

 Because the last few days have been filled with a crap-load (yes, it IS a valid measurement!) of stress and not enough laughter. My mind managed to by-pass the “bright-side” circuit and flip the switch to “border-line panic” mode. (NOT how I wanna roll, but it happens.)

yeah, like this...only more
"convulsing."

 So this morning I woke-up in dire need of finding the “reset” button…and I did! It was the “On” button on my mp3 player. *contented sigh* I plugged in my ear-buds, hit play, and let the healing-vibes wash over me. Before you knew it, I was smiling, doing my flip-flop, possibly-a-convulsing-frog dance around the living room (and I managed to only trip over one chair and one kitten, so double bonus!) And I began to remember all the reasons I selected these particular songs…

 And suddenly, my life was back in focus!

 Don’t get me wrong, my feet are still covered in the metaphorical crap I’ve stepped in and all the same pressures and stress of day-to-day life are still there…but I can breathe easier and smile, which consequently makes me better equipped to deal with all of it, as opposed to becoming buried by it.

My beloved...my precious...
my baby!

 Plus, I got some awesome exercise (and bruises) while bounce-dancing off the furniture! (Oh…and a video I have to figure out how to erase before one of the offspring find it and blackmail me with threats of YouTube!) (STOP laughing…there’s already one floating around on-line somewhere!) (Evil spawn! *grin*)

 So how do you cope? Do you use music? Art? Primal Scream Therapy? What stops the insanity and brings you back to the center and reminds you of who and where you want to be? Because, really? No one gets out alive, so we all need to find ways of using up every square inch of living we got coming to us, and doing it in the healthiest, happiest manner we can! (Although, there is a freakin’ AMAZING song by Flogging Molly called “If I Ever Leave This World Alive.” It's pure joy!)

 May your day be filled with less stress, more laughter, reminders of what’s truly important in your life, and NO kids with hidden cameras and internet access! (Yep! Almost three years and I’m STILL holding a grudge!!!)

*Songs quoted in order: ”Free” by Adrianne, “Dandelion” by Antje Duvekot,”  “Soul Singing” by The Black Crowes

What I think I look like...

...what I REALLY look like!

PS  Before anyone asks, no I don't know the URL for the GAWD-AWEFUL video my son tossed out there...his spelling was so freakin' bizare no one can find it! And ya know what? I am TOTALLY good witht that!

“Life With Chronic Illness For Healthy People So Some Bad-Flare-Day Chronic-Crusader Doesn’t Lose It On You For No Good Reason!”

 Good morning! Hey, are you guys sitting down? Because I discovered something yesterday that blew my friggin’ mind! You’re NEVER gonna believe this but…there are people in this world who aren’t chronically illin’! SERIOUSLY! (And you know what else? I’m a giant DORK!)

*See bottom for explaination

 OK, I’ll try to compose myself a bit and explain my epiphany…Most of us who live with chronic illness (Please, don’t leave yet all you healthy peoples! I SWEAR I have a good point!) have seen all the little posters and memes (not to mention hilarious YouTube videos) about things you shouldn’t say to a sick person, but has anyone ever seen one that explains to non-illin’ folks WHY they shouldn’t say them?

 Think about it a minute…we’ve all probably tried to some degree or another to explain these things to our friends and family we deal with on a daily basis. But what about new friends? What about casual acquaintances? The ones who aren’t privy to our inner battles and daily pain. They may be “clueless” as to what they should or shouldn’t say, but I can pretty much guarantee they’ll feel the weight of our anger if they slip up and utter one of the many taboo phrases…

 So here’s the thing a friend pointed out yesterday, “...we all have to remember a few things...people cannot properly relate to a disease or condition unless they have either had it themselves or lived with a loved one who had the condition…” And she’s completely right! (I just occasionally forget that my mental telepathy that imparts “all info required” doesn’t work on everyone! )

 So today I’m gonna give a short (yah, right!) primer on “Life With Chronic Illness For Healthy People So Some Bad-Flare-Day Chronic-Crusader Doesn’t Lose It On You For No Good Reason!” (Short? Yep…just look at the title. I’m REALLY off to a good start!)

 Stress, exercise, and vitamin supplements…Yes, stress will make ANY condition worse. It triggers all sorts of chemical reactions in your body that kick your arse. That’s just a fact! Yes, exercise is good for you. It strengthens your immune system, improves circulation, and releases happy endorphins. Yes, vitamins are good for pitching in when you’re not eating right (which we should be doing anyway) and filling in the blank spots in our store-houses of Daily Requirement.

 But…if you have an Autoimmune that affects your muscles (Polymyositis or Dermatomyositis) or joints (Rheumatoid Arthritis) then some exercises can do more harm than good. That’s why most of these folks (including myself) will at some point work with a Physical Therapist to create a program that’s tailored to their bodies and needs. Exercise will help keep us limber and functional, but it will NOT cure us or even necessarily slow the progression of the disease.    

 Vitamins and supplements are great! Quite a few Autoimmunes have been linked to Vitamin D deficiencies. (I take a Doc prescribed 5000 Units of Vitamin D daily.)   On the other hand, there are many supplements that interact with our Doc prescribed meds that we need to avoid. (Trust me on this; if we’re doing our job of staying on top of our health, we’re well aware of what’s good for us and what’s not.)

 There are so many other things that can accidentally trigger a “Hulk smash!” response that I could write for DAYS about it…(but I won’t. *grin*) So let me just sum-up the biggies like this…If you don’t know what to say, ASK. If you know someone who’s been sick and somehow achieved remission, “ask” if it’s a similar situation instead of “telling” the person what they should do to get to that point.

 If you remember reading some great articles on the subject, ASK the person if they’d like you to send them the info instead of just assuming. (Chances are, if it’s out there, they’ve read it anyway.)

 Don’t EVER tell them how lucky they are to either not need to work or to be able to nap all day and watch TV in bed. THAT my friends? Is the quickest way to achieve instant “persona non grata” status. Do not pass "Go," do not collect $2oo!

 Also? It’s safest just to avoid ANY and ALL discussions of pain, unless the illin’ guy starts it. (Then all bets are off and it’s his fault if he gets bent outta shape *evil grin*.) Most chronic individuals do live with some type of chronic pain. (And it sucks!) And the difference between your sprain, strain, break, twist, or contusion? Chronic pain NEVER stops! The constant barrage on your nervous system wears you the friggin’ heck out! It becomes distracting, causing the infamous “brain fog” and perpetual state of confused agravation.

 Oh, and most of our meds? Understand all our pretty little pills and mysterious injections and infusions will never cure us. These drugs are used to control as best as Modern Medical Science can, our symptoms and do their best to halt the progression of the disease. And they ALL come with side-effects attached! So, it more or less becomes a trade-off to maintain our quality of life.

 And, to wind things up, I will present to you the Great Grand-Daddy of them all, the uber DO NOT SAY phrase that makes just about all of us want to enter primal-scream mode…(It can take one of two forms here…) “But you don’t look sick.” or, “But you look good.” Instead, you best bet is just say, “Hi!” *takes a bow at own wittiness*

 Seriously though, if you ever find yourself face-to-face with one of these un-tamed, chronically ill creatures and you’re not sure how to proceed out of fear and trepidation…treat them like you would any “normal” person. And if all else fails, just ask…(or run.) *insert unexplainable giggle fit here* (I’ll blame it on the meds!)

 May your day be filled with understanding, tolerance, compassion, and a distinct lack of misunderstandings!

*The title of this is “You Saved Me.” The idea was life is never easy. The person on the bank took the hard way to their goal instead of the well-lit path. But, by taking the harder journey, they were where they needed to be to offer a much-needed hand to the person “drowning” in their life.

We may each have our own paths to travel, whether we take the easy road or the one riddled with obstacles. Only by helping each other, whether it’s a physical hand or a metaphorical hand of understanding…only then can we truly “save” each other and find our own peace and happiness.

Double-Awesome Hubby Day!

 Good morning! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!! to all the Daddy-dudes in the land of the interwebs!

 I know it would be traditional to do a small tribute to my Pops…but I’ve never been good a traditions. So instead, I’m gonna give a “shout out” to the Big Daddy in my life…my dear, ever-tolerant, good-sport of a hubby!

A good Dad knows how important it is to teach his sons
proper mooning etiquet! (Oh yeah...that's how we roll in my house!)

 A fact I may not have mentioned is I was married before...and (obviously) it didn’t work out. (Not that he was a bad guy, he just wasn’t equipped to deal with the crazy woman who types before you.)

He slices...he dices...he opens toys
for Daddy's Girl!

 So, when I met my hubby (His name is Nick, by the way) I came with accessories. I was like “Ready-Made Family Barbie.” (She doesn’t just shop and have an awesome wardrobe; she has four kids to quadruple the fun! *NOT by Mattel)

 And this guy? Was brave enough to walk into the chaos and manic Wonderland that was our lives, roll up his sleeves, put a determined smile on his face, and proceed to organize a functioning family out of it all! And he’s managed to keep us all in “line” for the past 13 years! (OK…more like a stampeding herd than a line…but you get the point. *grin*)

 I’ve seen several cards, posters, and memes that proclaim “Anyone can be a Father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad!” And you know what? It’s true! What’s the difference, you ask? Well…here are a few personal opinion/observational differenced in my experience…

Father: Sees kid puking, waits from a distance for it to “end” then calls for Mom (or other sibling) to clean it up.

Dad: Sees kid puking and despite his own “sympathetic-puker” tendency, holds child and lovingly (with random gags) pats child’s head and tells it, “It’ll be OK, sweetie.” (Then attempts to clean up mess without adding to it!)

Father: Yells at misbehaving kid and sends him to his room.

Dad: Yells at kid and sends him to his room. Then, after they’ve both “cooled down” goes in and talks to kid about why what he did was just plain STUPID and discusses ways the kid could maybe NOT be so STUPID in the future!

Father: Comes home from long day of work, sits down and unwinds with the TV.

Kids are great...
They can turn the chanel
when you loose the remote!

Dad: Comes home from long day of work, sits down and unwinds while talking to offspring about how they screwed with their Mother today and who scored what on which video game. (Then, after dinner, Dad commandeers the TV and has friggin’ Tiger Wood’s Golf extravaganza with the kids on the Wii, forcing Mom to fall asleep on the couch out of sheer boredom. *grin*)

 I could go on, but I think you get the point!

 And the bestest thing I can say about hubby as a Dad? He actually will text-tease the kids while he’s at work! SERIOUSLY! Just ask our youngest how many times he’s gotten a text that says nothing but, “Butt-head!” Or ask our daughter how many texts of, “Whatcha doin Princess?” she gets. Just so they know he cares…

 And everything he’s ever done for our family was by choice…(That, my friends, makes him DOUBLE AWESOME!)

 So, today I would like to send out an extra-special HAPPY DADDY’S DAY!!!!! to all the Daddies and Daddies By Choice!  (I like that MUCH better than the traditional "Step-Dad"…) You guys? Are the rocks your families roll on!

 May your Daddy’s Day be filled with long naps, tons of laughter, and fun with your offspring! Oh yeah, and all the respect and love you guys deserve!!!!