Because of me, Folgers and Maxwell House will now be forced to add a cautionary disclaimer to their products. WARNING: Product contains caffeine! Caffeine is technically a drug ( like you didn’t know this already, dumbass!) and as such is not only addictive, but it is also possible (if you’re a flippin’ MORON) to over indulge in said drug leading to (but not limited to) violent shakes, vibrations, hallucinations, caffeine craps, loss of control over fine motor skills, stupid ideas, and incessant babbling which makes absolutely NO sense to anyone besides you! Our product should be used in moderation. (Idiot!)
After my death, coffee will eventually end up kept in the Pharmacy and you’ll have to do the whole “flash the ID and sign your soul away to the State” to purchase it. (I am SO SORRY, guys! It’s all my fault.)
Yes, I realized at first sip it was a potent witch’s brew, but I drank it anyway…but only five or six cups! (Which may or may not be all the pot holds, but that is NOT the point.) I figured I’m a seasoned coffee-vet. I could handle it! After all, I’m the girl who spent an entire week living off chocolate-covered espresso beans. (Which are now banned in our home.) I may not have slept, but I was VERY productive!
I also apparently made the grave error in judgment of attempting to counteract the caffeine with food. I’m currently thinking ingesting my weight in Captain Crunch was NOT the bestest idea I’ve ever had…adding lethal amounts of sugar on top of the coffee-of-death? Think hyper-active-ADD-squirrel-on-crack and you’re getting warm…*twitch* *sigh* *twitch*
May your day be filled with coffee you neither need to chew nor sign a waiver for, big belly-laughs, and offspring (or co-workers) that don’t try to kill you with your favorite beverage!