C.O.F.F.E.E!

 Good morning! Oh…my…GAWD! If you can hear my voice (OK, fine! Read my words!) PLEASE SEND HELP! My kids are trying to kill me! My hands are shaking so bad I can barely type. They…made…the…coffee too STRONG!!!

 *deep shaky caffeine-laden breath* We have a rule in my house, if you empty the pot, you make a new one. Simple. Easy. Right? Four “scoops” in the basket, fill to the pour-spout with water, add heat. Presto!

 Whichever “child” emptied it last HAD to have DOUBLED the grounds-to-water ratio! (Oh yeah! My offspring have all developed Mommy’s caffeine addiction. *sigh*) (What? Am I supposed to worry it’s gonna stunt their growth? My “baby” is 17 and over 6’3”!) There is currently so much flippin’ black gold in my system, I’m VIBRATING! I could probably climb the wall with my teeth!

 I never would have believed it was possible, but I may have just accidentally OD on coffee! I can just see the Coroner’s Report now…”Subject had approximately ten times the caffeine needed to kill a full-grown Water Buffalo in her system. Her stomach looked like the inside of an industrial coffee filter that hadn’t been changed in years. Four pounds and six ounces of ancient grounds were collected from subject’s colon. (Sidebar) What the hell did this chick do? Chew on the stuff straight from the can? I don’t think she actually drank coffee so much as main-lined it!”

 Because of me, Folgers and Maxwell House will now be forced to add a cautionary disclaimer to their products. WARNING: Product contains caffeine! Caffeine is technically a drug ( like you didn’t know this already, dumbass!) and as such is not only addictive, but it is also possible (if you’re a flippin’ MORON) to over indulge in said drug leading to (but not limited to) violent shakes, vibrations, hallucinations, caffeine craps, loss of control over fine motor skills, stupid ideas, and incessant babbling which makes absolutely NO sense to anyone besides you! Our product should be used in moderation. (Idiot!)

 After my death, coffee will eventually end up kept in the Pharmacy and you’ll have to do the whole “flash the ID and sign your soul away to the State” to purchase it. (I am SO SORRY, guys! It’s all my fault.)

 Yes, I realized at first sip it was a potent witch’s brew, but I drank it anyway…but only five or six cups! (Which may or may not be all the pot holds, but that is NOT the point.) I figured I’m a seasoned coffee-vet. I could handle it! After all, I’m the girl who spent an entire week living off chocolate-covered espresso beans. (Which are now banned in our home.)  I may not have slept, but I was VERY productive!

 This? Was NOTHING in comparison to some of the concoctions I’ve chewed my way through. I mean, have you guys ever had Turkish Coffee? There is a reason they serve that rocket fuel in a thimble-sized cup!

 I also apparently made the grave error in judgment of attempting to counteract the caffeine with food. I’m currently thinking ingesting my weight in Captain Crunch was NOT the bestest idea I’ve ever had…adding lethal amounts of sugar on top of the coffee-of-death? Think hyper-active-ADD-squirrel-on-crack and you’re getting warm…*twitch* *sigh* *twitch*

 This might be a fine time to try to burn off some of this excess energy with a little “light” cleaning if it weren’t for the fact that my hands are shaking too badly to hold a dust rag and my eyes won’t quite focus…

 I swear, when I find out which one of the devious little imps made this sludge? I’m gonna demand they show me precisely how much they used…and make the next pot the exact same way!

 May your day be filled with coffee you neither need to chew nor sign a waiver for, big belly-laughs, and offspring (or co-workers) that don’t try to kill you with your favorite beverage!

The Pit-Saggage Arrives



Could it be true? Are my
best years behind me?



 Good morning! Yesterday turned out to be SUCH a “mixed bag”…I laughed! I cried! I applied ointment and sighed…and died just a little inside when I realized “it” had actually happened to me. (And by “It” I mean…the mid-life sag. *shudders at the thought*)

 Actually, the day started out pretty good! The Sun was shining (like it was flippin’ MARS!) and the birds were singing (and honking and clucking) and I was getting dressed to leave the house. That’s when I noticed the old bra peeking out of my dresser. I approached it with more than a little trepidation, almost afraid of any attempts to try it on.

 But try it on I did. That’s when the mystical light shone through the window, illuminating me in all my bra-clad glory! IT FIT! Try to understand…this bra? Actually had a member of the Alphabet in front of the rib-cage measurement (A) and didn’t just say, “Small”! Yes, My boobs were back!!!

 I knew I had been putting on a little weight lately, but I never dreamed the “girls” had joined in on the expansion. Being able to claim an alphabet (A) designation again almost made up for the fact that the number inside the waistband of my jeans had doubles over the last six months!

 As I stood there in my shocked silence, eyes closed lest a tear sneak past, I inhaled deeply and prepared myself for the next “phase” of the process…I opened my eyes, sucked in my gut, and looked down! Yes, Ladies, I actually performed the “Do my breastacles stick out further than my belly?” test! (I am that darn brave!) With the aid of some strategically placed padding and an iron-clad under-wire, I passed!!! (Oh COME ON guys! We’ve all heard of the “*dickie-doo” thing…stop cringing!)

 My happiness lasted through-out most of the day, as I veritably “bounced” from place-to-place, chest thrust forward, (actually having something to “thrust” for the first time in YEARS!) as I ran errands. It wasn’t until later in the evening that the reality of the situation hit home…

I'm sorryguys, but I just
about fell out of my chair,
 I was laughing so hard!

 I had “freed the girls” from their prison of foam and satin for the evening, donned my Tinkerbell jammies, and stretched-out on the couch to fall asleep to the dulcet tones of hubby’s favorite programming, “Deadliest Catch.” I lay down on my left side, using hubby’s thigh as my pillow, effectively trapping him for the next two hours…*insert devious giggle here*

 Something was different tonight. I couldn’t get comfy. I kept twitching, flopping like a one-legged frog attempting to break the longest-hop record. Hubby was getting more and more agitated as my head slammed repeatedly into his thigh in my quest for an accommodating sleeping position. (Hey, I only caused a mild hematoma. He was just being a baby!)

 I finally realized what the problem was…and my spirit broke. It would seem that without the pre-formed cup-of-captivity, Lefty had slid down and come to rest in my un-shaven armpit. Just to add insult (and injury) the stubble had managed to act as sandpaper and rubbed part of the poor thing raw! Yes, I had reached the age of pit-worthy saggage!

 It just wasn’t fair! I always knew gravity sucked, but this? Really? I thought we women had to attain the whole “baseball-in-a-tube-sock" status BEFORE we achieved pit-saggage. Me? I’m more like "golf-ball-in-an-anklet!" (They shouldn’t even be able to REACH my pits, let alone establish a Summer Home there!)

 And that’s how I ended up in the bathroom, a single, silent tear sliding sadly down my cheek as I gently applied ointment to my stubble-burned boob, knowing that regardless of any non-existent maturity level, middle age had arrived. *sigh*

 So I sit before you this morning, a broken woman. Please…tell me this doesn’t mean I have to start wearing elastic-waisted polyester pants with a button-up, floral-print, bowling-style shirt! Please tell me I’m not required to trade my sides-shaven, pixie-cut for a blue poodle-perm! I don’t think I could stand it if I was legally required to trade my ear plugs for clip-ons…(Although…I am having a strange urge to talk about fiber and to wake my oldest up to discuss the reasons he’s not married and I currently have no grandchildren…)

 May your day be filled with “girls” that know their proper “place,” not even a second thought about your fiber intake, and NO stubble-burn of any kind! (Why the heck am I suddenly craving prunes and where did I leave my "Reader’s Digest?")

*dicky-doo: For the sheltered Ladies in the crowd, dicky-doo is the state of a man’s stomach sticking out further than his dicky-doo. *falls over on the kitchen table laughing*

Introducing The Pea-Kini!

 Good morning! First off, let me start by saying HAPPY SCLERODERMA WORLD AWARENESS DAY! (Ya know, since it’s kinda near-and-dear to my heart I just had to start out that way!)

 OK, now I can say welcome to another Friday! I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to come up with an interesting subject for today’s Top Ten, but the heat is freakin frying my mind. Then it hit me! I can do a Top Ten on ways to deal with the heat…(So I’m gonna go with it, since I got nothing else…)

                  Top Ten Ways To Beat The Heat

1)        Frozen peas! Oh yeah, you heard me…it came to me last night. You see, learning to walk the right way in Physical Therapy is a pain in the arse…(literally!) It’s calling muscles into play that have been snoozing for a while…like the muscles in my bum. So my Physical Therapist told me to ice my hinny last night. And honestly? My ice pack of choice is frozen peas...

 Then it dawned on me that with a little duct tape and a couple bags of peas, I could fashion a bikini! (Or pea-kini?)  Hey, they're cheap, reusable, and earth-friendly. What's not to like? Besides, you'll look so sexy and feel so comfortable, you'll forget you're wearing a side-dish.

Why yes, that is a picture of
me with a bag of frozen peas
on my hinny!

2)        Pretend you’re a dog…Have you ever seen a chillin’ dog? The whole spread-eagle on his back, airing it ALL out?  Yeah, well…a good, strong fan, a closed bedroom door, and a lack of windows neighbors can see through, and you are set!

 When it reaches Mars-Hot temp, I’ll hide in the bedroom, strip down to  my skivvies, and pretend I’m a chillin’ dog in front of a fan. It’s cooling, it’s relaxing…it’s freeing! (Ummm…just make sure there are no cats hiding under the bed if you plan on dozing off for a while. Waking up to a cold, curious nose? Not only NOT a pleasant way to wake-up, but you’ll also be left feeling slightly violated. And to my knowledge, there are no support groups for unfortunate individuals who have been violated by cat noses.)

3)       Brain freeze. I have become a big proponent of brain freeze. After all, it’s like air conditioning from the inside out! I love the gigantimous slushies (or freezes or whatever they’re flippin’ called!) because they’re big enough you can sip them slowly, achieving a minimum of an hour-long brain freeze, fooling your brain into believing you are cool! (OK, so it actually is lowering your blood temp, but I’m just not all about the science side of life today. Feel free to Google it! *lazy grin*)

4)       Fan wars. Our A/C is a moody creature who suffers from continuous PMS! She works on her own schedule, frequently freezing up like a deer (or possum or raccoon…) caught in headlights. To compensate for her lack of empathy with our situation, we have multiple fans strategically placed around the house.

 When the “heat is on” it becomes a dangerous game of musical chairs, to see who can get the best seat with the strongest breeze and clearest view of the TV. (I say “dangerous” because much like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, I have MY seat…and there is no help or salvation for you if you’re in it!)

 Just a warning on this one…blood has been shed over this game on the hottest of days! (Usually from someone tripping over the laundry basket in their mad rush to the “fan zone,” but it’s still bloodshed!)

My flippin' AWESOME
freezey-face-mask!

5)       My flippin’ AWESOME freezey-face-mask! I found this thing at the pharmacy (CVS) and the little Traveling Gnome on the front told me it was for jet-lag. I bought it for migraines. (And it works like you wouldn’t believe! I love this thing! Only complaint? It needs to stay colder longer…even if it does re-freeze at the speed of light.)

 It also works to help keep you cool if you strap it onto your neck instead of your face. I tell you what, with my Traveling Gnome freezey-face-mask on my neck and my frozen pea-kini, I’m a fashion statement for the ages! (Oh yeah!!!!!)

6)       Do I really need to mention pools? If you got one (or access to one), then you’re a lucky bugger! Otherwise, there’s always the bathtub filled with ice water…(OK, it works…but it’s boring! I mean, how can I make jokes about pools or ice baths? …just sayin’…)

7)       The refrigerator.  Since the heat sky-rocketed, I have noticed a distinct rise in the number of times the offspring peruse the contents of the fridge and freezer…ALWAYS coming away empty-handed, only to return ten minutes later to again spend five minutes or so with their entire torso inside the cold box. (This one? ONLY happens when hubby isn’t home. He has “issues” with the over-use of electricity, bellowing like an irate walrus at anyone spending more than 30 seconds with the refrigerator door open.)

8)       Sleep. OK, this one doesn’t “beat the heat,” but is more of an escape mechanism. It works for me! (It also works for escaping other things, like housework, laundry, arguing kids, and lectures from hubby about financial responsibility and keeping the fridge door shut.)

You didn't think I'd let you
leave without a picture of the
pea-kini did you? Besides,
it's as close to "nudist" as I
get. (You're welcome!)

9)       Become a statue. It’s similar to “sleep” only your eyes are open. The theory behind this one is, if you don’t move, you won’t generate any more heat, thus giving the illusion of being cooler than those around you. (Popsicles are also helpful when using this method.)

10)   Become a nudist. Hey! Clothes trap heat! No clothes equals less heat equals cooler body. (Makes perfect sense!) Also? Other will tend to stay the heck away, thus producing the added side-effect of fewer bodies, less cumulative heat. (I’m a freakin’ GENIOUS!)

 …there ya have it! Ten ways you can stay a bit cooler in this *insert LONG string of VERY inventive foul language here* heat wave. (Also? It’s kind of a warning about the horrors you might find if you just happen to be in the neighborhood and drop by without calling first.)

The Mighty Turtle

 May your day be filled with fully-function A/C’s that make most of these unnecessary (although the “pretend you’re a dog” one can still be freeing…), lack of all fan-wars, and good, stiff breezes to help if you absolutely have to leave the house!

PS  Since I am absolutely NO help with info on Scleroderma, you can visit The Scleroderma Foundation website, or The Mighty Turtle, a blog written by an amazing woman named Karen who has lived with Sclero for over 20 years. Her writing is not only filled with humor, but tons of first-hand knowledge on everything from dressing wounds to dressing for Raynaud’s!

It's Not Dust, It's Love!



Fight the enemy!



 Good morning! News flash- I’m in grave danger of being replaced! This? Requires immediate action! I need to find a cheap (read as “free”) housekeeper STAT!

 Yesterday evening, hubby and our youngest were working in the backyard. I decided I would be gracious enough to voluntarily leave my beloved, climate-controlled nest to show my love and support by checking on them.  Our conversation started with our usual “Nick and Nora Charles” routine...



Nick and Nora Charles
(William Powell and Myrna Loy
 in the 1939 film
Another Thin Man)



 (OK, quadruple Bonus points to anyone who got the Thin Man reference! If you didn’t, hit the local Library or Netflix! These movies are awesome with a capital GREAT!) (I always thought they were the perfect couple, even though after forcing the offspring to sit through the original, they informed me the Charles’ did NOT have a great marriage, they were just liquored-up to realize it. So, negative points for the offspring!)

 (OK, back to my tale of woe…) As I was saying, after our standard banter, I made the comment that hubby was probably on the look-out for a replacement who was a better housekeeper. In UNISON! the two of them said, “That wouldn’t be hard.” Then smiled. (They actually SMILED at that stement!)

 Their words cut like a knife to my very heart! Have they failed to realize what a sacrifice I make for them? I mean, let’s look at the facts…

1)       The beautiful color the patina (inch thick layer) of dust adds goes perfect with our wall color. But, do I go out and buy a whole new set of furniture in that lovely gray-blah color? No! I am simply very careful not to move anything that would expose a dust-ring, thus creating the illusion that our furniture is already that color. (See honey, I’m saving you money! And that’s a good thing!)

2)       I am not “not dusting,” I’m strengthening my family’s immune system! I mean, there’s got to be all manner of pollen, pet dander, potential plague “bugs” that have floated in from the Amazonian Rain Forest (hey, I watched the movies about this stuff!), and even Alien spores (I watch the X-Files too!) existing in that fine (inch thick) layer of dust. By living in close contact with this gnarly stuff, their bodies are slowly building up a tolerance! (See why I make the sacrifice and force myself NOT to dust? Because I CARE!)

3)       I’m improving their reaction time. Every time I don’t pick up or sweep, I create “road hazards” and obstacles on their trip through the house. If you’re not aware that I left that laundry basket in the dark hall, you’re gonna have to think fast on your feet when you trip over it! The same with the pile of old magazines I left dangerously close to the full glass of soda on the table…right on the edge...(It’s all about the hand-eye-foot coordination, baby!)

Ummm...this used to be my desk.
Maybe it is time to actually clean
around here...*embarrassed sigh*

4)       I keep life from getting boring and the kids from getting lazy. I mean, how easy would it be if they always knew where their clean laundry was? If I put things where they belonged, then all anyone would ever have to do would be to walk over and get the item they wanted. BOR-ING! It’s MUCH more fun when you have to see-and-find something you want! Plus? I’m teaching the kids to fend for themselves by NOT making it so easy…(Go! Forage for your wants and needs!)

5)       And lastly, I’m helping the offspring with those critical thinking skills. Let’s face it, there’s no thought process needed when you want a bowl of cereal and all you need to do is grab a clean bowl and spoon. But…if there aren’t any clean dishes, now what? You think outside the box! Why, just two days ago my youngest informed me it is possible, but no efficient to eat cereal with a fork. Do you think he would have ever made that discovery if I’d done the dishes the night before? Nope! (I’m helping all of humanity here with this critical thinking thing…who knows, one of them could grow up to find a cure for one of the Amazonian Plagues living in the dust on my TV stand!)

 So there you have it! Some of the many ways that stifling my natural urges to dust and sacraficing a clean and well-ordered household, is doing an invaluable service for my family. And it’s all done out of love! (NOT lazy!)

 So the next time your spouse (or Mother) starts giving you grief about the “state” of things, feel free to borrow from this list to show them how much you’re giving up to help them!

 (Now…if anyone knows the name of a good, cheap cleaning service, I would be ever-so grateful!)

 May your day be filled with a house full of laughter (and possibly dust), the ability to find the brighter side of NOT cleaning, and a family that loves you enough to jump in and help! (Yes, family-o-mine! That IS a flippin’ hint!)

Orwellian Hamsters Creep Me Out!

 Good afternoon! I think I must have gained some weight because my ranty-pants are too tight! I’m pretty sure they’re actually starting to cut off the blood-flow to my brain. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling like talking about hamsters today.

 “OK, I’ll play your silly, little game. Why hamsters!?!” Hey, thanks for asking! Have you ever noticed that while hamsters may be cute and cuddly, they’re also capable of being viscous, evil little buggers? Yep! If they’re overcrowded they’ll eat their young, fight non-stop, and cannibalize the weaker critters. They’re also notorious for mind-numbingly running on stationary wheels, getting nowhere fast.

 Begin rant: I started delving into the on-line Support Communities about a year and a half ago. I found some great groups, some creepy places, and some down-right scary, dark corners. I found places full of pain, tears, and cries for help. Then there were the awesome groups that were healthy, helpful places to be, but disease specific.

 It took a while, but I eventually found a few that welcomed everyone and were apparently great places to go for help, support, a little venting, and a lot of virtual “hugs.”  (You can find some of my favorites on the “Sites” I Love To See page.)

 While haunting these places, I’ve seen people come and go. I’ve seen people jump in with both feet, only to disappear into the dark a few days later. I’ve seen new groups pop-up and old groups die. I’ve even witnessed group-to-group warfare. Sadly, I’ve seen WAY too much hamster behavior…*sigh*

 (Hold on to your hairpieces…I’m about to switch gears!) I freely admit I’ve never been much of a George Orwell fan. (Just work with me here for a minute. Don’t I always manage to tie it together…for the most part?) I’m just not that big on politics in my fiction. I want books that let me escape, not make me do some deep-thinking. Also? Maybe there’s a secret part of me that hated him for being right.

 It seems that whenever you put a large number of people together there are a few things you’ll begin to notice. There’s always going to be natural-born leaders, those who prefer to quietly sit back and let someone else take the lead, and those who are positive they know what’s best for everyone involved. Then Community participation turns into “Survivor: List Edition!” with people choosing teams, plotting strategies, and the hamster behavior begins!

 Here, I will again reassert my position as the Court Jester…because the Jester was an outsider. He walked in the World of the “Important and Powerful," but he remained invisible unless summoned for entertainment. He watched, he waited, and he satirized. But…he never exactly “belonged.”

 I have always felt like one of the outsiders in life. Maybe it was due to my bi-polar glitches. Maybe it was because of my nervousness around people. Maybe it had to do with my refusal to follow the rules, my skewered way of looking at things, or just because I really didn’t want to fit in.  (And the joke cracking thing? It’s always WAY better to have people laugh WITH you instead of AT you!)

 At first I thought that people in the Chronic Illness Community would be different, since we already stand a ways apart from those without limits and our unique situations. But *sadly shaking head* I was wrong. People are people, whether they be sick or healthy. And the human dynamics I despised in Orwell’s books? They apply no differently to any one group of folks than another.

 Now, on one hand I have seen some down-right ass-hats turn their lives around and become truly awesome individuals. Conversely, I have seen apparently great people let illness turn them bitter and angry, souring their love of life. But by and large, the lesson I've learned is people are the same as they’ve always been, sick or healthy. (Orwellian hamsters...)

End rant.

 (Now, to attempt to wrap this all together to make sense…or at least pretend I can. *grin*) I think that may be one of the things I’m lovin’ most about the people I’ve “met” who read this “stuff”…most of you guys have felt like the “outsiders” at one point or another yourselves. You guys are the rule breakers, the joke crackers, and the quietly glitchy. We are mostly the ones who see the world slightly different than most…and I love that about you guys!

 Oh, but I’m thinkin’ right about now, the thing I love most about those of you I’ve “met” either here, on Facebook, or Twitter…is the distinct lack of hamsters in the crowd. ‘Cause those tailless little critters? REALLY creep me out!

 May your day be filled with new and unusual ways of looking at life, crap-tons of empathy and compassion (yes, I still say it's a valid unit of measurement!), and the knowledge that there are no requirements to hang out here…Well, other than the ability to read. (Although, I guess if you can’t, you’re still more than welcome to stare at the screen… or grab a friend to read it too you! That way? You can both laugh together…which is like, DOUBLE the fun!)

Pox And Karma's Short-List

My Mom and Grandma's thing about
putting socks on your hands to keep
from scratching? Believe it or not,
you can actually sand the flesh from
your bones with a sock!

 Good morning! I have bumps! Not cute speckles, not adorable freckles, not even a mildly annoying rash, but BUMPS! I’m itchy, bumpy, and possibly contagious…(and did I mention itchy?) And hubby is blaming the chipmunk.

 Yesterday I was forced to cancel my awesome pool physical therapy session since I was breaking out in in Mystery Yuck. Not knowing if I could possibly yuckify the rest of the world, I opted instead (OK, I was kinda, sorta forced…) to see my Doc in a quest for an answer.

 And…I came home empty handed. (OK, I came home with antihistamines and hydrocortisone cream, but it’s a metaphor, so stop being so literal people!)

 “Contact Dermatitis” AKA “I don’t know what your gross bumpy-stuff is so I’ll give it a fancy name and do everything I can not to touch you. Now please go before you accidentally ooze on something I’ll have to sterilize.” Yep, THAT’S what I was told I gots!

 Actually, the Nurse Practitioner was very polite and professional…especially when she asked me to please not repeat my attempt to show her the ones on my bum, but instead try to find a few I didn’t need to drop trou to expose. (Her exact words were, "Do you have any you could show me that don't require you to disrobe?") Oh…and also that I needed to go home and check my mattress for bed bugs. BED BUGS!?! She was even kind enough to pull up a TON of pictures for me, so I knew exactly what I was looking for.

 (Ummm…what I asked next was in no way, shape or form retaliation for those pictures. Just sayin’…) Poor hubby and The Girl are also broke out in bumpies, so hubby had asked if the anti-snuggling chipmunk could have contaminated our home with some form of alien creeping crud…So I may or may not have posed a question about the possibility of rabid chipmunks spreading body lice…

 After that, I was met with the blankest of nervous stares and all talk of parasites stopped. Then I was ushered out with scripts for the antihistamine and the cream…and as little physical contact as was humanly possible. (The only way there could have been less contact would have been if they had handed me my “visit summation” with kitchen tongs!)

 Now, I am the mother of four offspring. I am familiar with all manner of bumps, lumps, rashes, outbreaks, and funky skin goo…I have seen things that would make most non-parents pass out, puke, or cry.  And I know chickenpox when I see it.

 I asked the NP about chickenpox and was nicely poo-pooed over the fact that I had them before. Guess what? After a bit of web-crawling, I discovered that 8% of people who have had chickenpox GET THEN AGAIN! (Are you kidding me? What other health myths of our childhoods were lies? *shudders at the thought*)

 Of course, there are many other viruses that can appear the same as the pox…but since no one wants to touch my leper self, all there is for it is to wait it out…and try not to scratch! (OK, I told my daughter not to scratch, but I’m past the age of giving a damn about pox marks on my belly, thighs, or hinny…so I’ve been scratching like a champ! I have removed plugs of skin that might require a skin graft to repair! I have managed to peel off sections that a potato peeler would be proud to claim as its work!)

 So for now, I’m fairly sequestered in the house with the crankiest daughter known to man. We are prisoners of courtesy (not wanting to spread whatever “joy” we’re currently scratching) existing on a steady diet of pop tarts, microwave popcorn, rootbeer floats, and horror movies. (It’s a hard way to live, but don’t worry…we’re fighting the good fight!)



Sclero Bob re-enacts the
external skiddie for your
viewing pleasure!

  Oh…one last thing before I go. To the gentleman in line ahead of me at the pharmacy, I’m sorry! I just couldn’t bring myself to give you a heads-up about your “condition” so the afternoon’s resulting laughter at your expense was kinda my fault.

 (He was wearing pale khaki shorts and some “color” caught my eye as he was impatiently shifting his weight from foot-to-foot. After I actually looked? Right over the “bulls-eye” there was a DARK BROWN STREAK about an inch and a half long and maybe ½ inch wide! I simply could not bring myself to tell him he had an exterior skiddie, which would have meant admitting I had visually perused him butt-region. I mean, how does one tell a total stranger that to the rest of the world it looks like he had an “oopsie-poopsie” moment!?!)

 So I’m a bad person who really needs to NOT fart on public for a while because I’m probably on Karma’s short-list right now…

 May your day be filled with safe gas-expulsions, NO itching, and the joy of knowing you’re nowhere near me (or the possibly diseased chipmunk) so you’re safe from contamination!

Gratitude, Oprah, And Senior Keg-Stands!

 Good morning! According to my hubby, I am a militant, anti-gratitude, angry, preachy person! That’s right guys…apparently I stood up-on a soapbox and loudly declared, “Gratitude blows!” without even knowing it!

 It all started when I asked him to read yesterday’s post I wrote in a migraine-med fog and wanted an un-medicated opinion as to whether or not it made much sense.  

Hubby: "It makes sense, but you kinda went on a tangent."

Me: "HOW!?!...."

Hubby: "Yeah. You REALLY got on your soap box for that one, didn’t ya? You just sounded all preachy about anti-gratitude…and you hate Oprah."

Me: "Hey! Leave the whole “Oprah” argument out of this! And I was NOT preaching! I love gratitude! You missed the whole freakin’ point…"

Hubby: "That one really kinda scared me…all the yelling about “Love!” and stuff…" *all speaking stops as something “good” comes on Sports Center*

Me: *starting to yell* "I wasn’t yelling, I was being funny. Didn’t you read the funny parts?"

Hubby: "I think I missed those…but I read the whole thing. Where was the funny supposed to be? I just got that you hate gratitude and Oprah…"

Me: "I WAS MEDICATED!!!!!!"

 After that, it kinda devolved into some foul-language chaos, which to him ultimately proved he was correct in his assessment of my anti-gratitude-Oprah stance. (He views any “discussion” that ends with me having an attack of unintelligible potty-mouth as a win in his column!)

 But..I got even! You see, yesterday also happened to be my Mother-In-law’s Birthday. (I love you Nana!) We celebrated by taking her out to dinner at the half-way-mark between our towns…

 The company was great, the food wasn’t bad, and the service…blew chunks! (Not literally…that would have been gross!) At the end of our meal, (which I had spent being rather silent because I was secretly using my phone under the table to time the Server) the Manager came over to wish Nana a Happy Birthday and do the standard “good-natured ribbing of the Birthday person…who in this case is a 68 year old, retired, as-straight-laced-as-they-come Teacher.



A REALLY good sport who
does NOT look her age!
(I think our joking keeps her young!)

  He started with the whole, “Don’t party to much…” schtick…and I erased my good-behavior, brownie points by opening my mouth...

Me: “Hey Nana, isn't the Senior Ladies Quilting Group throwing you a kegger later?”

Nana: “WHAT!?!" (Realizing it's a joke but it's me...so this could get REAL "ugly" REAL quick) "Oh, yes. He...He..."

Hubby: “Oh yeah…those Ladies REALLY know how to party!”

Me: (Looking sweetly at seriously confused Manager) “You should see Nana do a keg-stand! She’s amazing!”

Huuby: “Yeah, Nana’s a pro at Beer-Pong!” (See why I love this guy?)

Nana: “Oh my…” *insert forced nervous laughter here*

Me: “Hay Nana, after you’re all buzzed, weren’t you guys gonna call the Men’s Whittling Group over for body shots?”

My Daughter: “Yeah! And then they’re gonna play Strip-Bingo!” (She takes after her Mother. I’m so proud!)

 After that? Our side of the table was falling over in the booth, scream-laughing, the Manager was completely lost as to what the hell to do with THIS, and poor Nana? I’ve never seen a woman turn so many shades of red! Blushing? NOT EVEN CLOSE!

 So you see, hubby, one lone man, may think I’m an anti-gratitude Oprah-hater, but an entire Restaurant KNOWS I’m pro Senior PAR-TAY HAR-DAY. So I win!

Vince Offer

 May your day be filled with love and GRATITDE (see honey, I’m all for it!), all of the “O” Network you choose to watch, and your Senior years filled with Jell-O shots and all the “bad” behavior your heart desires!

PS I think I just figured out how to make my millions…I’ll invent a safety harness for Senior keg-stands! I can even have the totally AWESOME ShamWow Guy sell it for me. That way? I can not only provide a much-needed service but fulfill my life-long dream of meeting the guy in person at the same time! BONUS!!!!

What Do You Love As Much As Mud And Worms?

 Good morning! “Today I love…” What comes next?

 For those who stop by here on a regular basis, you may have noticed that more often than not, those three words are going to be the first thing in my Facebook feed…(Behold the mighty FB!) (Sorry, couldn’t resist mocking it...just a little...) You’ve also probably never really wondered why…after all, people post all kinds of random “My life is so cool” crap on FB, and I’m no exception.  But in this case, maybe you should wonder…

 About six months ago (give or take a month or two. What? You think I work on a linear timeline? Pfft!)…as I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, a few months ago a friend sort of threw out a challenge. A wonderful, joyous woman named Caitlin challenged me to start every day with at least three things I loved about the day ahead. Sounds simple enough, right?

 Caitlin’s reasoning behind this little morning exercise was that actively seeking out things to be happy about set the tone for the day. And honestly? It works!

 Since the first day I “gave it a shot” I think I’ve missed posting my “Today I love” list only once. I’ve found it truly does make a difference in the way I feel at the outset of my day. No matter what else is ex-ploding or im-ploding in my life, I can still find a way to look at things that puts a smile on my face.

 Migraine mornings? (Welcome to today!) "I LOVE the fact that I was lucky enough to find a rescue med that works!" Wake-up after a night of vicious Gnome-beatings? "I love the fact that I have an anamazingly comfy couch to be a slug on and a family that’s supportive enough to give that extra help I’m gonna need!" Have an early-morning GAWD-AWFUL test scheduled? "I love the fact that there’s a vat of coffee and a fudge-brownie sundae waiting at the other end…"

I love the fact that there are
people crazier than me, as
evidenced by this screwed-
up dessert idea!

 I know there are a million different blogs about daily gratitude. I know there are at least two million other types of Daily Gratitude Movements floating around out there. (Probably no less than ten of them started by my nemisis in the quest for World Media Domination, the mighty Oprah herself!) But I think this is a slightly different angle on the idea.

 You’ve probably figured out by now I have this "odd thing" about words. There are just some of them that roll around on your tongue like a toddler learning to do their first summersault. They’re just FUN to say…the energy that comes with them can’t help but make you smile.(flabbergasted, conundrum, onomatopoeia [I love you spellcheck!], flummoxed) Words can carry such BIG energy and ideas…

 For me, that’s the difference between saying, “Today I am grateful for,” and, “Today I love!” It’s all about the energy…the dynamic world-hug, dancing in the flowers in the meadow, splashing in mud puddles, finger painting with your mashed potatoes, and laughing so hard Diet Dr. Pepper comes out of your nose energy!

 Gratitude is so much more peaceful…serene…almost a deep in thought, Buddha smile on your lips, finding the balance and tranquility in your life, reclaiming the wonder of your inner-child, border-line passive space to be in…

 Me? Screw reclaiming anything from my inner-child. I want to make mud-pies and dig for worms (then name them and create wormy-family histories) with this kid! I want to have contests to see who can catch the most lightening bugs or who can eat the most green apples. Who can jump the highest when you’re chasing a dust-devil or who can laugh the loudest! I WANT TO PLAY!

 And that is the difference for me! Not so much quieting my mind and finding peace in my soul, but instead living large-and-in-charge living out-loud! Finding something fun to do and doing it BIG! (That includes my screw-ups too…if I’m gonna FUBAR, I’m gonna FUBAR huge! That way? It removes the question as to whether you meant to do that or not…just gets the whole pointing-and-laughing thing right out there in the open!)

 So today, I’m gonna pass on the “challenge” (kinda like chickenpox, only it doesn’t itch or cause as much of a rash…) For the next week, try starting your day by finding as many things as you can come up with that you LOVE about the day ahead! They can be as big or small as you want to make them. It could even be as simple as, “Today I love the fact that there are only three meals to prepare in a day and one of them is cereal!” or, “Today I love that the Sun will set in another 13 ½ hours and I can start over again tomorrow.”

Mud pies...fun AND profitable!

 I would LOVE to see what you come up with! (You know…that whole “comments” thingy at the bottom? You could even type it in there…*doubles over laughing at lack of subtlety*) And if you’re more of a laid-back, gentle soul? Go with the Gratitude angle for a more relaxed approach.

 May your day be filled with more things to love and be grateful for than you have space to put them in, big messy, fun with your inner child, and any “oops” moments that occur? May the be just as big, sloppy, and spectacular as a soupy, mud pie!

Like The Addams Family, Only Better!

 Good morning! I’m sitting here at my so-called desk (more a pile of barely-controlled chaos) watching the Sun start to peek over the horizon. The early morning beauty is simply amazing and I catch myself thinking…”What the heck am I doing up this early? I’m ready for a nap!”

Torn between two lovers...

 Just goofin’! What I’m REALLY thinking is how much I love the fact that since no one in their right mind (which obviously leaves me out of the equation) is up this early, I’m able to have cold pizza and Oreo cookies for breakfast and no one’s around to stop me! I’m telling you what, peoples…those Oreo Fudge Cremes? They are my new, true love! (Sorry Lucky Charms Bars…you are SO last week!) (Oh, and if the Oreo cookie guys wanna send me a crate of these bits of awesomeness as a “Thank you” for the free testimonial? They can e-mail me for my home address!)

 Speaking of no one in their right mind…I talk about my family frequently but I’ve never “properly” introduced them. So this morning? I thought maybe you’d like a peek at the young minds I’ve helped shape. (And remember…these are the Leaders of Tomorrow!) (Also? My daughter is the only one who ever reads this, so I should be fairly safe against retaliation!)



The Boomerang Kid

 This is my oldest, AKA “The Boomerang Kid.” He can usually be found in his natural basement habitat, gaming and chatting on-line with others of his “basement dwelling” tribe. Due to an on-going lack of exposure to the natural elements, his skin is a pasty-white and he’s easily identifiable by his intriguing “odor” and distinct call of, “Mom! Will you reset the wireless router again?” (He is SO gonna kill me if he ever hears about this!)

My little "Easy Rider." LOL!

 My second born is the comedian of the family. Although he spent his formative years (like up ‘til age 18) sporting a unique “bowl-cut” doo and wearing NOTHING but baggy sweat pants and black T-shirts (we determined early on he had a horrible allergy to underwear), he’s recently morphed into a neo-hippie lookin’ dude who many apparently approach in search of “somthin’-somethin”…(This kid? As strait-laced as they come…which makes this even MORE hilarious!)

 This one is slightly more difficult to find in the wild due to his ability to turn side-ways and disappear from sight. (Eat something, damn it!)

Her PMS gets REALLY
ugly! (And yes, she IS gonna
kill me for that crack!)

 My third born, "the girl” as she’s more commonly known, is the shy, quiet one in the house. (Which makes it so VERY gratifying to mess with her! And oh, so easy…) She has somehow managed to survive life with three brothers (and me) with both her sanity and sense of humor intact. (She’s also the World’s greatest “strait-man” to my daily hijinks, as well as my personal assistant and walking memory-bank…)

 "The girl” tends to be a reclusive creature, spending her time in her room writing (she is one heck of an amazing horror writer!), emerging only in search of cats to cuddle or new books to read.



Rare pic, since he HATES
 being  photographed!



 My youngest male-child is the gentle-giant of the family, coming in at a little over 6’3”! He’s a natural-born comedian in the style of…OK, think Steven Wright, Louie Anderson, and Lewis Black genetic-splice…(There’s a picture for ya!)

 "The boy” spends most of his time sequestered in his room plotting his escape from what he refers to as “his crazy family and this boring state.” If you’re attempting to track him in the wild, you need only follow the sounds of video-game explosions and maniacal laughter. (Or listen for the sounds of him yelling, “Don’t even ask!” in regards to ANYTHING I do!)



That? Is what we call "The Look."
And yes, I see it often!



 My hubby is more of a Ring Master around here. (We really do introduce him as my “handler”!) Or maybe he’s more of a Ring Leader…tough call.  He’s a feisty little Irishman who’s every bit as nuts as I am…but hides it MUCH better!

  Yes folks, these are the people who put up with me in all my glory! The amazing kids who vow daily to never be seen with me in public again, threaten to drug me into unconsciousness just to shut me up, and frequently ask each other, “Is Mommy drinking, or is she having one of THOSE days?” *falls over in chair laughing at this because it’s all TRUE* (These are also the kids that I frequently hear whispering amongst themselves, nervously wondering how much of “crazy” is genetic.) They are also the BEST support system I could EVER hope for!



Hubby’s so cool, that when he got home
from work yesterday and saw this
 sitting in the living room? Didn’t even
 ask!  Just paused for a minute,
looked at me, shook his head, and
then  kept on going…

 

 May your day be filled with a family that’s as full of love and quirks as mine is, all the laughter you can stand, and no one attempting to “slip you a mickey” so they can have a few moments of peace and quiet!

The Good, The Bad, And The Naked



So it's a sleeping kitten and not a
sleeping Muse. It's cute!
(And who doesn't like cute?)



 Good morning! I’m sitting here waiting for the coffee to kick in and inspiration to hit. (The stupid Muse must be sleeping in today, lucky little weenie!) (One sentence, five type-o’s…this does not bode well for the day…)

 Well, it’s Friday again, so it’s "Top Ten" time! Since I can't seem to come up with anything good, I'll just go all "pratical" on you guys and lay out the top ten things I learned this week...

  Top Ten Things I May Or May Not Have Learned This Week!

     1)      Fleas are zombies! Or maybe it was fleas are the new cockroaches. Either way? You CAN’T KILL THEM! And I am NOT alone in this conundrum! Several people told me yesterday that they have also been fighting the jumping vampires…and possibly loosing. (Also? We determined that shaving your pets with the thought in mind that no hair = no fleas…probably wouldn’t work.) (Oh, and also? Messing with my Rheumy by passing off the flea bites on my ankle as a weird, worrisome new symptom would be HIL-A-RI-OUS….but a BAD thing to do!)

 One friend was freakin’ awesome enough to send me a link for something that worked for her, Borax!  I could be all like, “I’m gonna do this NOW and let you know how it works!” But the sad truth is, I’m a lazy woman by nature…and we have ALL wood floors…and it looks like a LOT of work to get this stuff in ALL the cracks…so instead I’ll say, “Hey! If any of you guys try this, let me know how it works!”

     2)      I learned I give GREAT advice! Yesterday my youngest and I were headed to the store (bird food run) when the kid looks over at me and says, “I didn’t put on any underwear.”

 So I dipped deep, down into the “Mommy Bank” and came back with this, “Well then…my best advice is don’t drop your pants in public.” How’s THAT for amazing advice! (I’m so good at this Mommy thing, no wonder my kids all made it to adulthood!)

3)        I learned I LIKE seeing my name in public print, especially when it’s for a great cause! The Scleroderma Foundation has an on-line store where they are selling T-shirts for Scleroderma Awareness Month. (Yeah, that’d be this month!) The Sclerodoodle Contest I entered? I didn’t win (Congrats to Molly Gaines!) but they turned ALL the final 15 into T-shirts! So yeah…you can wear me…*cheesy self-promoting-for-a-good-cause grin*

     4)      I learned that the laws of gravity as we know them do not apply when you enter the pool at a Physical Therapy facility. Yes, you enter the water and everything is all hunky-dory…until it’s time to get out. Then? All specific-gravity-hell breaks loose.

 You know darned well what you weighed when you entered, but as you climb those stairs an extra 75 pounds is added to your frame with every step! (I swear, the crushing weight was so extreme, I was two inches shorter by the time I hit the locker room!)

5)       I learned that I find great joy in spam-retaliation! I have slowly been gaining skills in my Tweet-quest (I’m so proud of myself!) and as I do, I’ve been gaining followers. Perhaps I’m an odd-ball here, but I’m all about quality over quantity! I would MUCH rather have few people I actually interact with (socializing on a social network? What the heck is wrong with me!?!) than have a bunch of numbers that do nothing but send out ads. So, I really do “screen” the “followers” I get before I "follow" back.

 Every now and then, someone manages to slip by me…someone who believes I am nothing more than a “target audience” for their flippin’ adverts! THAT’S where it gets fun! I cannot describe the joy I get from sending messages like, “In case you failed to notice, I am in fact a person and not an ad campaign target!” or “Try saying ‘Hello Chris!’ (or at least buy me a drink) before you hit me with DM ads!”

 (And yes, I giggle just a little every time I click the “report and block” button….)

6)       In a “You broke my heart Fredo” moment  (Bonus points for anyone who got the Godfather reference!) I learned my daughter doesn’t think I’m as funny as I think I am! (Don’t worry honey, I didn’t put a hit out on you…yet…) (Just kiddin’!) (…about the “yet” part…)

7)       I discovered that people think anti-snuggling chipmunks are hilarious! Also? They love pictures of dead squirrels. (Who knew!)

8)       I learned I’m a MASTER at the use of technical terms…Yesterday the new Rheumy called about a scheduled EMG (where they insert a “small” probe into your muscle and manually stimulate said muscle to see if it has any discernible problems) on my lazy right thigh muscle…*sigh* He wanted to debate (a second time) the fact that one had already been done. So (again) I had to cover the fact that they did an NCS (where they basically zap the nerve with a “mild” electic current and time how long it takes the signal to travel), NOT in fact the EMG the record indicated…

       ”You know, they zapped me with the Taser-gun-looking thingy, not the turkey-is-done pokey thing. They only Tasered  me…”

 In his favor? It only took me repeating this statement two more times and an additional 30 seconds of dead silence for him to decipher what the hell I was talking about! (Yay Rheumy!)

9)      I  learned that if you go down the steps off our kitchen, at the bottom you’ll find a basement. If you make a hard right when you hit the basement and step over the pond created by the *insert creative combination of foul language here* A/C you will find this thing called a washing machine! You know what the thing does? It WASHES CLOTHES! Yeah, just like magic!

 You know what else? After about 50 trips up and down those stupid steps, my laundry is FINALLY caught up! (Now? No one is allowed to change clothes for at least a week to keep it that way!) (No kidding family! It’s that or forced nudity…your choice…)

 And last but not least…

10)    I learned I dig the idea of giving back! I may be up to my neck in debt and only able to drop belly button lint in donation jars, BUT there are other ways to give…

 This came across my Facebook page yesterday from the “Buckle Me Up” International Autoimmune Arthritis Movement. (IAAM)

“You may or may not know, but our CEO and Founder is also an artist by trade and will be teaming up with Jenna Dye Visscher of The Feeding Edge/Art for Good to launch a unique IAAM fundraiser that will blend art for sale, which will benefit ...IAAM, blended with socializing with Autoimmune Arthritis peeps around the world! If you or someone you know is:

1. An Artist- of any fine art media that can be used on a paper backdrop (paint, ink, pencil, watercolor, charcoal, pastels).

2. An Artist who is willing to donate work to benefit a great cause

3. An Artist who is interested in being involved in a game-changer type of fundraiser never before done inside of our community.

Know someone? Please have them email Tiffany at tiffany@IAAMovement.org!

And be sure to check out Jenna's site at http://thefeedingedge.com/”

 I did drop the nice Lady a line asking for more info. If any of you artists out there would be interested in pitching in and helping out, let me know and I’ll post any additional info I get here!

 So there ya have it…the good (doing my part to help out some great causes), the bad (evil, flying chipmunks, dead squirrels and zombie fleas), and the naked! (You guys think I’m joking? Just try throwing some laundry in the basket and SEE what happens!!!)

 May your day be filled with warm , fuzzy feelings, good friends, a little learning, and NO SPAM!!!!