A Moment Of Clarity

The lane that runs beside my home,leading to the house I grew up in.
The lane I walked down every morningto help take care of my Mother as
she did battle with colon cancer. She ultimately lost.

  This mornings as I did my roll-stumble-stagger out of bed, I wondered if it wouldn’t be easier to just stay where I was, nestled in the oversized comforter, not moving any of the achy muscles or puffy joints. My special, downy pocket of denial.

  As I lay there, I squinted into the darkness towards the snoring form of my hubby and again wondered if he now sees me as broken, something that used to be pretty or useful that has become so much crooked debris. A sad reminder of what used to be.

  That’s when I knew it was time to start moving, before those thoughts could take hold in a wide awake brain. Pre-dawn can be a dangerous time to contemplate fears. Doubts hide in the deeper shadows.


The "seat" from the outhouse that my Grand Parents used while
they built the house I now own. My Grandma, being the woman
she was, used it as a planter. Nothing ever went to waste with her.



   As the Sun rose I went outside with my ancient digital camera with the intentions of stalking the birds. Instead, I ended up stalking a moment of clarity.

My Grandpa broke two ribs and cracked his neck raising this pole.
The day we closed on the house, hubby moved the chair over
to help him climb the pole and ring the bell in celebration.
He broke the chair, but rang the bell.

  I stood for a time in the last stages of the sunrise, looking at the mess that is my yard. I felt embarrassed and thought for the millionth time that SOMEONE (not me, of course) should clean it up. Haul away all the clutter and broken debris.



   Then, as my eyes slid over a crooked rocking chair that was propped up against a huge wooden bell-pole, something shifted. I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly I wasn’t seeing trash, I was seeing priceless reminders. And that’s when I started to smile.

  The more I wandered around my yard taking poorly lit pictures, the more I began to laugh. After all, memories are only as sad as you let them be. Even the bittersweet ones can become a path leading to happier times.

A grindstone my Grandpa used to sharpen his axes.
The day we decided to move in, my Mother and I found it
hidden in tall weeds. It's leaned against this tree ever since.

  In the light of day, muscles loosened by my morning-movement and far removed from the things hiding in the shadows, I looked around my yard and realized how much beauty existed in the things I had only minutes before thought of as eye-sores.

  I also realized that a few hours ago, I had used the same words to describe myself as I had the bits and pieces that now surrounded me. Funny how it was easier to find the beauty in a twisted rocking chair than it was in myself.

It may be a little bent and in need of repairs,
but it still posses a simple beauty, a
complex history, and serves an important role in our lives
...just like me.

Kitten Marionettes!

  Good morning! OK, it is official! I NEED to get out of the house! Stir crazy is not even beginning to touch on my level of walls-closing-in-itis. Either that, or I need to call the folks from “A Haunting” because these walls? Are definitely moving.

  About now you're probably wondering (or at least you should be), "How does one know the difference between cabin fever and your house being possessed if both include moving walls?"

  Because otherworldly house-trifling doesn’t usually involve the effected person thinking things like, “I wonder, is it possible to get callouses on your backside from sitting on the couch too long? And do they have something like a mani-pedi to remove them? Maybe an assi.”

  Or even my current mind-teaser, “Trail mix is kinda, totally awesome because when else is it appropriate to utter a phrase like I have nuts stuck in my teeth.”

No kittens were awakened in
the making of this marionette!

  Yep, you know you’re in trouble BIG time when you notice how much kittens sleep and think, “Hey, I bet I could (gently) tie some yarn around their tiny paws and make cute little kitten marionettes!”  (Relax, I didn’t mean the WHOLE kitten, just tiny little kitten paws that could wave at me when I’m bored.)

  Then things begin to get really weird (as if kitten marionettes weren’t bad enough) and you scare your family with some of the conversation starters you throw out.

  (Conversation about current trends in literature.)

Me: “Hey honey, have you noticed that EVERWHERE you look they’re talking about Fifty Shades of Grey?”

Hubby: “You’re not actually reading that are you?”

Me: “No…I was just pondering something. How do you think erotica written in anapestic tetrameter like Dr. Seuss used would sell?”

Hubby: “Why do I have this feeling you’re going to try it to find out?”

Me: “Define try.”

Hubby: *blank-stare-head-shake-sigh*

 (Conversation about redecorating.) 

Me: “Hey honey?”

Hubby: “No good ever comes from anything that starts with those words in that tone.”

Me: “No, seriously. What would you think about me re-doing the living room walls?”

Hubby: *deep sigh* “Chris, you know there’s no money in the budget for paint right now.”

Me: “Oh, that’s OK. I wasn’t gonna paint anything. I’m thinking there are enough feathers in the front yard to completely cover the entire wall! Plus? I’v got crafter’s glue in the desk, so it wouldn’t cost a single dime. BONUS!”

Hubby: “Wha…”

Me: “Seriously! We’d have one-of-a-kind walls! They’d put our house in magazines. It would probably even start a flippin’ movement. How cool would THAT be!?!”

Hubby: *walks out of room with head shaking like one of those bobble thingies*

  Yep, a good talk with the hubs is always the perfect way to cheer myself up and alleviate the boredom.

  May your day be filled with lots of excitement to keep you happily distracted and random thoughts that make you smile!

A "Brag" And A "What!?!"

  Good morning! Who would have thought that the early morning angst of a tech-impaired woman attempting to make sense out of a beastie known as Social Networking would have struck such a chord!

  I’ll get to the weekly words in a moment, but first I gotta cheese just a little! (Besides, I think that’s part of agreement…you smear the word and such.) First off, earlier in the week BlogHer contacted me to give me the great news they were going to feature “A Seussian Tragedy” on their Blogging & Social Media page! (Pardon me while I cheese again.) 

  The amazing Editors have spruced up the title a bit and given it a professional looking picture and everything. It’s making me think that I might want to amend my profile page. You know, change my profession from “Middle-Aged Class Clown” to something a little more…professional and mature sounding? Maybe not… *pauses for more giggling*

  Then yesterday afternoon I received an e-mail from a new on-line Magazine, Bonbon Break, saying they’d read the same post and wanted to run it on the Bedroom page of their September 3^rd issue! *now progressing to the happy-Zombie-shuffle-dance* 

  I was so spaz-tastic that I invented a new word on the spot! (Don’t EVEN ask! I opened my mouth to say “flabbergasted” and “flubbernuxed” came out instead. I figured I’d just go with it. ) (And yes, I really do use bizarre words like “flabbergasted” in daily life. It’s just fun as all heck-y to say!)

  So now that I’ve spent a whole page bragging like a goof-ball, I’ll move on to the weekly entries. (You like me…You really like me! *grin*)

This Week's Newly Discovered Words

  assitude: the snarky attitude delivered by a teenager who isn’t completely awake

  uses: “I understand you are NOT a morning person, but if you don’t stop talking I’m going to be forced to smack that assitude right outta you!” (Just kiddin’! I never whoop on my offspring…the threat is always enough.) (Enough to elicit a giggle anyway.)

  exastipated: the state of being completely over a situation that is apparently full of shiz-nit. (exastipation, exastipating)

  uses: Trying to figure out exactly WHAT I did to make my blog implode was completely exastipating! (And yes, it was full of shiz-nit because they advertise that it’s EASY to do!)

  foamation: what emerges by complete accident whenever an uncoordinated person attempts to use any foam-dispensing container

  foamerated: what occurs to unsuspecting, uncoordinated person when they fail to dispense foam on first attempt then proceed to hold container up to eye and try again.

  uses: I figured the can of hair stuff was defective since nothing would come out, so I shook it again, held it up to my eye and that was when the foamation took me by complete surprise leaving my face totally faomerated!

  flubbernuxed: When a person becomes so excited their tongue wraps around their eyeteeth and they can’t see what they’re saying

  tech-impaired: a person who is so technologically challenged that they are apparently unable to even turn a piece of electronic equipment on without assistance

  uses: My oldest blew me assitude when I woke him up at 6:00AM to help his tech-impaired Mom out of the exastipating hole she’d dug herself into attempting to add a widget to her blog. (See how I just tied all that together? Yeah, I’m good…)

Medical Terms

 atypical: Doc speak for “special” (and don’t you forget it!)

Climbing the walls without the use
of hands is a clear sign of the
beginning stage of incaffienation

 incaffeination: the hallucinations that occur when a person’s caffeine-to-blood ratio reaches 5-to-1

  uses: My husband removed the cup of coffee out of my vibrating hands, certain I was suffering from incaffeination since I had just dodged my fifth imaginary flying squirrel…in the house.

 informusion:  being confused by the quickly spewed litany of information thrown at you by the doctor who is in a hurry to get to the next patient.  (Thanks to Cindy B. for this amazing word!)

  uses:  Informusion leaves you dazed, confused, and puzzled and makes you wonder about your sanity, level of intelligence, and stupidity for allowing it to happen in the first place. Note to self: take tape recorder next time... and don't visit that doctor again.

  Paper worthy: when a patient’s problems finally become interesting to the Doc. Usually seen in atypical cases

Here’s hoping your Sunday offers tons of things to be flubbernuxed about and absolutely nothing exastipating! 

These Things Happen

The Fey

*Updated August 30, 2012

  At 2:00 AM this morning I awakened to the text alert on my phone simply BLOWING UP! Earlier in the evening, I’d fallen asleep on the couch while watching TV with the offspring. I rolled out of my nest trying to remember where I’d left the phone so I could shut the stupid thing off. Then I saw the message.

  Lexie (AKA @OneBloggerGirl), a woman I had met through Twitter and the shared hashtag #scleroderma, passed away on August 7^th. She was 29 years old.

  I was speechless. Stunned. Numb.

  Then the text from Karen (@KarenOVasquez), a mutual friend, arrived telling me to NOT get on-line until I had called her, but it was too late. I already knew.

  At 2:20 I put the coffee on and turned on the computer. By then Karen had already posted a short tribute, “A Great Tremor InThe Force.” I read it while the coffee was brewing. I followed the embedded link to Lexie’s blog, A Girl at a Crossroad. I re-read her “About Me” section and the posts. There were, after all, only four.

“Hello World!” May 12, 2012: “…One of my missions in life is to rid myself of such negative energy.  It’s draining!  Life is supposed to be joyous… a celebration even in times of misery and hardship!  I want to make an impression, even if it is a small one…”

  Then I grabbed a cup and called Karen. The first few minutes of the call were filled with awkward silence while both of us fumbled for the language to express something…anything…we were feeling. After a few false starts, she simply stated, “I’m angry!”

  I answered, “It’s not fair!”

  Slowly at first, we began putting together the pieces of the woman we knew. She was diagnoses in 2011 with Scleroderma and MCTD (Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder). Thanks to the wonders of her misdirected immune system she had pulmonary hypertension and pulmonary fibrosis, leaving her needing oxygen 24/7 and a double lung transplant.

“Living In Fear…Praying For Strength” May 15, 2012: “…It feels so good to be honest and to just let it be known that I am tired.  Even though I’m tired, THERE IS NO WAY I AM EVER GOING TO GIVE UP!  I have too much to live for.  I’m not a girl who has had a lot of luck in life, but I am fortunate in many ways and I am truly blessed.  I know who my friends are as well as what it means to be a friend… I have loving family members who extend the support and cheer me up when I need to smile… I am loved…”

  Sometimes, our bodies just have no sense of humor. But Lexie did. She worked hard to find the humor (even if we sometimes did get a little dark) in whatever situation she was in. She was a self-proclaimed Nerd and her blog bio talked of her love of animals and horseback riding.

  The last time we heard from her was August 4^th, three days before she slipped away from us. She was cracking jokes about her Doc’s pants and the fact that she’d been in The Fortress of Solitude (our term for the Hospital) for over a month. Her Doc was telling her she might get to go home on the 10^th or 13^th. But she also said that there was no laughter in his eyes that day, only concern.

  Her final Tweet to us was, “LOL! Thanks! The love keeps me strong!”

  Karen and I talked for over two hours, trying to make sense out of the senseless, alternating between laughing and silent tears. Together, we tried to picture what she must have looked like. You see, Lexie never bothered to post a profile picture anywhere that we could find. The gold Twitter egg was the only visual we had to go with the woman. The, “…bitch with a heart of gold! In need of a double lung transplant...” as her Twitter bio proclaims.

“Due at The Fortress Of Solitude” May 25, 2012: “…I love the people in my life, and I know they love me wholeheartedly AND unconditionally!  This is a journey I’m not meant to take alone, and it’s a journey that is by no means simple or easy.  It’s going to be a tough climb, but I’m glad to do it.  Now… ON TO THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE! Wish me well, you guys!...”

  We also discussed the joys as well as the pain of being active in the Chronic Illness Community. It used to be when a friend went MIA for a week or two; you figured it was vacation, busy with kids, school, work, and life in general. In this alternate world, you wait and worry. There are “other” things that could bring about their prolonged silence. Then worry gives way to fear…Then at 2:00 AM the phone begins its Banshee’s keen.

  We’ve all heard the fumbled words meant to soothe an aching soul, “Life is so short,” “Taken too soon,” and “These things happen.” And sometimes, they do. Even when it’s not fair.

  Since I hung up the phone at 4:30, I’ve read her blog several times, trying to find some clue, some word of comfort. Some connection my brain could grab ahold of to make this come into focus. I have found repeated smiles at her spirit. I have found comfort in her strength and the way she chose to face her life.

 “A Recap of the Adventures at the Fortress” June 26, 2012: “…so how do I alleviate the situation?  Jokes! A sense of humor makes any situation comfortable…”

  But there are no answers. Maybe someday with all the on-going research into auto immune diseases. Maybe someday in the future, but August 7^th is done and gone. For Lexie and too damn many others there will be no answers.

  As I went over her “About Me” again, one line jumped out at me and brought the tears back. But as I read it over and over and over, a smile started small and then burst across my face, kinda like the Sun shining during a storm. I’ll end with that quote and the knowledge that she gets her wish. Her voice will always be around to remind us all that life is indeed precious and all too short. And sometimes these things do happen. Rest well, my friend! 

“…Blogging is a great way for your voice to be heard without it being meaningless. I get to share my adventures with the world, important information about serious issues, and should anything happen… at least my voice is around to not only bring some awareness, but I get to share my opinion on a lot of things… I promise you all, we’re going to have a blogging-good time…”

Hope Burns

  For more information on Scleroderma and current research or to find out how you can make a difference, visit the Scleroderma Foundation or The Scleroderma Research Foundation.

* Lexie's best friend Claire, the amazingly kind woman who let us know of her passing, was wonderfully kind enough to send us a picture of Lexie. Her smile and beauty are everything I pictured them to be. Thank you for this wonderful gift!

Helping Or Herding, You Decide

  Good morning! Last night I drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that the ducks were outside, I was reasonably safe inside and wondering what I would write about today. Then it hit me just like a load of wet laundry. You know, heavy, smothering, and impossible to climb out from under? My offspring!

  The last several months, the two youngest have been helping out so much around the house and yesterday they kinda went above and beyond the call of duty. (Really guys, you shouldn’t have. REALLY!) So, for today’s Top Ten, I’m gonna share just how helpful they truly are.

Top Ten Ways The Offspring Are Helpful (Which is really only a Top Five this week since I’m feeling lazy. Besides, there are two of them, so we’ll just say each item counts as a two-for.):

Aren't they sweet? Escourting
Super Slug through laundry
detail. How HELPFUL!

1)        I don’t get it, but everyone seems to think clean clothes are an important accessory. If you keep in mind the laundry facilities are down a flight of stairs, it's understandable that I have been a bit “lax” this week.

        So, yesterday the Boy and the Girl decided they would “help” me by escorting me down stairs under the guise of learning to do a proper load of laundry. I am now convinced their Father bribed them, because the “help” consisted of one on either side of me, “guiding” my progress through the mountain of un-washed clothes.

        The day even came complete with quarries of, “Shouldn’t the washer be done by now?" and, “Don’t you think it’s time to take things off the clothesline?” rudely interrupting my game of Angry Birds.

  Thank guys!

2)        The Boy has become a Master of Guilt. (And at such a young age…I’m so proud!) He has been doing a WONDERFUL job of keeping the lunch dishes caught up for me, reminding me every-single-flippin-day, “You SAID I wasn’t helping with the dishes enough.” *heavy-sigh-eye-roll* “So here’s me…helping with dishes…AGAIN!”

  It just warms a Mother’s heart!



I keep telling them, Super Slug
can't cut hair...slugs don't
have arms!!!



3)         In years past I was the main hair-cut person, since the hubby is too frugal (read “frugal” as “cheap”) to actually pay a trained professional to cut it. (Now all the ball caps make sense.) Sadly, the Boy has followed in his Father’s footsteps.

  Since I’ve been as remiss with haircuts as I have been with the laundry, the Boy decided he’d help out by cutting his own hair.

  And he did. Enough said.

  (Truthfully, it didn’t look THAT bad…think weed whacker and hair-eating-feral-cat cage-match on his head. But other than that, it looks pretty good!)

4)        Grocery stores are “interesting” places to turn me loose…(remember The Great Bidet Incident?) So hubby has the offspring under strict orders to NEVER let me wander unattended through Wal-Mart. (Lucky them!)

  They’ve actually gotten pretty good at Mom-wrangling in recent weeks. Their system seems to be the Girl pushes the cart repeatedly badgering me about asking me what we need from each aisle while the 6’3”, 275 pound Boy brings up the rear, creating an impenetrable wall of teenager to herd the Mommy-person in the right direction.

  If I “accidently” reach for something on the “banned” list, say a CD, DVD, or any Monster High doll, the Boy “accidentally” trips me, knocking said banned item from my grasp and kicking it far out of my reach before using the wall-of-teen to herd me back on course.

  Well played guys. Well played.

Here are the Offspring using
their two-pronged, Mommy-herding
approach at the Grocery Store.
Again, they're so HELPFUL!

5)        I’m becoming ever more concerned that for my upcoming birthday, the hubby is going to give me a piece of jewelry containing a GPS unit. Yep, I’m seriously worried he’s gonna low-jack my arse. “And this has to do with the offspring how,” you ask?

  It has currently become the job of the Boy and the Girl to keep tabs on me when hubby is at work and report to him via text if I’m “behaving,” I.E. staying off Amazon and iTunes. 

  They’re like annoying stat counters tracking loads of laundry complete, bathrooms cleaned, meals cooked, and number of times lost in grocery store.

  I just can’t express in (printable) words how much I appreciate all your hard work, guys! One of these days, I promise you this, I WILL find a way to pay you back.

  There ya have it; the Top Ten (Five) ways the offspring handle help me! And just in case any of you are wondering, I’m really NOT that bad. (Shut it kids!) I’m just easily “distracted” these days…and THAT I’m TOTALLY blaming on the meds, since I was NEVER this way before. (Again, shut it kids!)

  May you be surrounded by friends and family who are hanging out and not herding, and lots and lots of laughter to start your weekend off right!

Dawn Of The Ducks

  Good morning! If you’re reading these words, then I’m probably OK for now. But if I disappear for more than a day, you’ll know it’s happened. If I go silent then you'll know the birds have me, so please…send HELP! (Help with nets and BIG guns!)

The original trio of doom.

  I stupidly came by my first *Muscovies ducks by accident and the fact that they were so darned pathetic lured me into ignoring my gut instinct to run. So I took them home to my happy, warm coop and ample food supply.

  They hated me on sight and it went downhill from there.

  Since it was a trio of girls, I was a big enough idiot to hunt down a male, erroneously believing it would make the evil bitches happy. As it turned out, I was dead WRONG.

  It went downhill FAST from there.

Don't be fooled, they're cute now
but they'll grow up and begin
plotting your downfall!

  Then the problems commenced for real. After all, what do evil, vile, un-tamable Muscovies do when not carefully watched? RE-PRO-DUCE! Living in the country as we do, there are FAR too many places for these vessels of Armageddon to hide and hatch more demon-spawns. I am now officially over-run with winged agents of destruction and insanity. *sigh*

  In years past, I’d send all the guys to “freezer camp” since they really are tasty and much less fatty than normal, anti-psychotic ducks. Plus? The boys have been known to fight to the death, so weeding them out was a necessity. (I’m now convinced these stories are told to the young around the pool, fueling their hatred of humans and cementing their desire to rule us all! Screw Planet of the Apes, it’s gonna be Dawn of the Ducks!)

  These days, I’m too darned tired and gimp-a-fied to chase them down and “do the deed.” As a result, they are everywhere and doing their best to suck what little sanity I have left, along with my will to live, right outta my soul!

  You see, I know they’re actually planning an Animal Farm scenario. One night I’ll go to sleep, happy and warmly snuggled in my bed only to wake up bound and gagged in the chicken coop. (As a matter of fact, I just looked out the window by my desk and there are three on the carport roof, watching me. They know I’m ratting them out, so they’re probably gonna move quicker now…*gulp*)

  They repeatedly lure me and the offspring out of the house all throughout the day by pretending they’re interested in whatever yummy goodness resides in a road-side ditch. (Seriously! We’re surrounded by fertile forest and they opt for a DITCH! How, I ask you, can it NOT be a trap?) Personally, I believe they are training us. One afternoon, we’ll emerge to check the ditch and the little buggers are gonna drop a net and drag us off into the underbrush.


It's GOTTA be a trap. After all, if you were a duck,
where would you rather hang out?



  As I’ve typed, more have masses outside the window. I’m becoming nervous since there’s only a thin screen between me and a ducky-inflicted death.

  Please, tell my kids I love them…*falls out of chair laughing like the insomnia-and-too-much-coffee idiot she is*
　
　
  *Muscovy Primer:

  The females of the species are approximately 30% smaller than the males. (Girls, about seven pounds while the boys weigh in around 15.) The she-bitches are capable of making annoying, squeaking sounds to express their displeasure with life, the universe, and all that is good and beautiful in the world. They hatch babies like it’s their damn day-job and will viciously attack on sight.

Some of the younger ducks.
I'm sure they were plotting.
Just look at the smug air of
derision on their faces!

  The males are only capable of this twisted hissing sound, making their from-behind-attack approach much less noticeable. Like 17 year old human males, they think of only three things; females, eating, and fighting. They really aren’t that bright.

  Both genders have full flight capabilities, turning them into death-from-above. Or the bane of your angry-neighbor-with-a-pond’s existence. They are indigenous to Brazil where they nest in trees. Because of their tree-dwelling habits, both sexes also possess claws of shredded-death! And trust me on this, they KNOW how to use them on each other and unsuspecting humans.

Baby Huey, our original male,
boldly models his striking mullet
and baboon-arse-looking caruncles.
(I left the red-eye since it
accentuated his inner evil.)

  The most noticeable feature (besides the claws of pain) is the fleshy growths on their faces called caruncles. They are larger in the males and, just like a human’s nose, get bigger with age. By the time they’re five years old, it looks like they’ve got a wrinkled baboon’s arse on their face. Oh yeah, both of them also have these funky little crests, although it turns into more of a mullet in the males.

  What are these guys good for? AVOIDING! (Although they really are GREAT bug control and better mousers than my cats. REALLY!)

A Good Defense?

Excerpt from Court Transcript

Defendant: “Your Honor, you have to understand, I’m really not a violent woman!”

Courtroom Observer: “I object!”

Judge: “Council, will you please tell the Defendant’s offspring to sit down and remain silent? OK Mrs. Dean, you may continue.”

Defendant: “Thank you, your Honor. As I was saying (pause) I’m really not a violent woman. It’s just, when the guy stepped in front of me, cutting me off at the entrance, I lost it! It’s like my cane took on a life of its own!

  “I swear, I really don’t remember a THING until a few minutes later when I blinked and my hubby had ahold of my swingin’ arm…Oh! I mean my right arm. That was when I noticed the lobby was filled with rude assholes…I mean poor people with lumps, bumps, and bruises all over their heads.”

Judge: “Thank you, Mrs. Dean. You may step down. Defense may call its next witness.”

Defense: “Your Honor, I would like to call Dr. Smaltzenfudger to offer expert testimony on the exact meaning of Appointment Rage…”

Come on, who could ever convict
this face! I've got my hand raised
and a "pleasant" smile and
everything!

  Good morning! That’s right peoples, I am creating a new legal defense! (No, this does NOT show premeditation!) I figure one of these way-to-early mornings, after hubby and I have spent the last half hour lost (this one wasn’t my fault! The map SUCKED.) and we’re running late, I’m going to end up losing it and thumping someone with my cane. (Probably hubby, by the way. He may want to go ahead and invest in a safety ball cap!)

  I figure they have “road rage” and “sports rage” as legal defenses. If any of these Judges or Experts have had to go to repeated Doc appointments? They would TOTALLY accept “appointment rage” as a viable excuse! ESPECIALLY if your spouse is driving and, even after more than 13 years, can’t come to grips with the fact that your sense of direction rivals that of a mentally-challenged homing pigeon!

  *deep breath* But that was yesterday and today is another chance to get us completely, irrevocably lost in a different town heading to a different Doc. It’s also another chance to prove I can Zombie-shuffle faster than someone with a walker and avoid getting cut-off at the door…AGAIN! (Oh, stop fussing. I’m not really that insensitive! For the most part…when we’re on time…and didn’t get lost…much.)

  May your day be filled with absolutely no reason to ever think REALLY hard about what Legal Defense you might someday need to explain any impending bad behavior and spouses that understand and lovingly accept your FEW shortcomings!

Much Love!

  Holy monkey-meat-with-a-side-of-fries! Good evening guys…yeah, yeah I’m late. Sorry! I had an early morning Doc appointment and a house full ever since. I was gonna let the day slide without posting, then I got a wonderful surprise in my comments.

  An uber-talented blogger I truly admire and find inspiring honored me with the Liebster Blog Award!

  Before anyone rolls their eyes and clicks past, first let me say one thing…*pause for foggy-brain to catch-up*…I am an amateur blogger, “Old School” style! And by Old School, I'm talking about the original meaning of the word, “Someone who does something for the love of it.”

  Yep, there are plenty of folks out there that make some bank off their blogs, but by and large the majority of us do it because we love doing it. So, when one of these awesome individuals honors my amateur work with an award, I end up sitting here for a few moments all speechless and stuff.

  OK, feel free to click away now if you’re not into the whole “sharing” thing, but you’ll be missing some GREAT recommendations. (Just sayin’.)

  So here it is, me sort-of-kind-of following the rules. (Oh, and because I’m lazy, I’m including a few others I’ve been given, all in one. Bonus!)

Award: Liebster Blog Award

Awarded by: Terri of “Working With What I’ve Got”

Why: The Liebster Blog Award is an award for blogs with fewer than 200 followers. Liebster is German for “beloved” and a blog nominated for this award is “worth watching”.

Rules: There are several different versions of “The Rules” for this one out there. (I’ll follow Terri’s rule. It’s shorter. *grin*) Answer one question, link back to the AWESOME person who nominated you, then nominate five other AMAZING blogs

Question: Paper or plastic?  (Bonus question:  Why?)

Answer: Paper because they always end up put to good use in artsy-craftsy stuff around the house. Also? My coat closet will no longer hold coats (or anything else, for that matter) due to the fact I NEVER remember to return the stupid plastic ones. My closet runneth over!

  Thank you Terri. I have been more inspired by your writing and you courage than you will ever know. You may not realize it, but I read your posts and look at them as setting the bar for quality that I strive for. Thank you for that!

Awards: Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award and Tell Me Something About Yourself Award

Awarded By: Bev at “Black Ink Paperie”

Rules:  1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back

             2. Tell everyone seven things about yourself

             3. Nominate seven bloggers

  Thank you Bev, from the bottom of my heart! Your humor is amazing and I adore your spirit! I consider it an honor to call you friend.  (The rest will follow in a giant glump at the bottom. Hey, I said I was kinda following the rules…)

Award: Inspiring Blog Award

Awarded by: Cindy of “Everyday Underwear”

Rules:  1.Tell seven facts about yourself

            2. Nominate seven others

  Thank you Cindy. I cannot tell you how much your help and words of encouragement have meant to me. I honestly don’t know where you get all your energy from, Lady! You’re going places…(just don’t forget us little people when you get there!)

 Answers: Here we go…dirty little secrets you probably don’t know. *drumroll please*

1)        (Damn! This is hard…I pretty much already share everything!) I have a filthy habit. I smoke, or more accurately, I chain-smoke. The worse the pain levels, the more I smoke. Filthy habit, very unhealthy, and I do NOT recommend it. But hey, it’s my only remaining vice.

2)        I care about the people I interact with on-line. Some would say it's stupid, but here's the thing...I connect with people, talk to them and form friendships, read posts about their families, their happiness, their pain, and I end up caring. Stupid? Maybe, but it’s just who I am. (I offer no apologies. *grin*)

3)        I am addicted to foot-rubs. I have seriously been known to pay my offspring to rub them for me. Sick? Twisted? No…it just feels freakin’ AWESOME!

4)        I am a F-bomb connoisseur! It is totally my favorite word in the entire universe and I drop it probably every third word. No joke! Just ask my hubby…*guilty giggle* (Drives him up a wall!)

5)        We homeschooled all four kids. I’m ever so slightly not well pleased with the urge to conform that seems to be so prevalent around these here parts. I’m beyond PROUD of the four individuals who each march to their own beat and laugh as much as I do!

6)        I do not participate in religion or politics. (OK, in private, yes.) If it’s on my Facebook page, I don’t even read it. If it contains the word “God”  or any reference to Government, I’ll skim right past it. Why? No, I’m NOT evil, just gotta draw the line at topics that cause such heated, angry, UGLY debates in social settings.

7)        (No, this is NOT political, it’s about family, love, and acceptance.) Two of my four offspring are gay. I love the fact that they had the courage to “come out” with the certainty that they would be loved and accepted no matter what. And they are.

  There ya go…Now, the other blogs. I’m cheating again and only coming up with four total…They can either consider them one award per, or each accept all four. (Honestly? I’d like to just nominate every flippin’ blog on the Blog-A-Rama page…)

1)        Christina at “Stick With It Sugar” She is the mother of three remarkable offspring, two of which live with Type 1 Diabetes. Her posts are full of humor, love, hope, and helping to spread knowledge. (And we ALL know knowledge is power!) She is one amazing woman and one wonderful writer!

2)        Kate at “Nested” This chick is hilarious! She’s newlywed, but long-time nuts and I LOVE her work. Every post will do one of two things (if not both); it’ll leave you laughing and/or thinking your family ain’t so bad after all!

3)        Lisa at “The Mixed Up Brains Of Lisa Weinstein” At first glance you may think it’s another Mom-blog (and so what if it is? That’s NOT a dirty word. *grin*) but it’s so much more. She’s a wonderfully personable writer with a deep love of family, friends, and community. And that comes through in spades! I shall not lie, I have both laughed hysterically and cried while reading her work.

4)        Dawn at “Secret Gardens” Dawn writes like she lives, with humor, fire and LOTS of passion. She’s new to the world of Patient Advocacy and is attacking her work there with the same fire as she does her writing. It’s raw, brutally honest, and full of hysterical stories about her beloved dog and dwarf hamster.

  *Honorable Mention since I’m not sure if this one qualifies as a blog or a freakin’ CARNIVAL! Karen at “The Mighty Turtle” This one is special to me, because Karen has lived with Scleroderma for over 20 years and took me under her wing when I was newly diagnosed. (Heck-y, she was on the phone with me this afternoon answering questions!) She advocates for all autoimmune diseases, and faces each day with joy and humor. ( My kinda chick!)

  Much love and happiness to all of you guys tonight, and thank you amazing ladies one more time!!!

A Seussian Tragedy

My body was flaring; I was too tired to play.

So I sat in the house on the computer all day.

I was too bored to write, too tired to make a call

So I sat on the couch doing nothing at all.

I sat with my laptop, just sat there feeling blue.

That’s when I got the idea; I knew just what to do!

I’d do some social networking, making contacts on-line.

Forget about my nerves, I figured I’d be fine!

So I typed in the URL and hit enter with a click.

Now I’m sitting and staring, all the choices make me sick!

There’s Pinterest and LinkedIn, there’s Twitter and more.

There’s Facebook and Tumblr and I just found my Klout score.

How will I survive if my blog is unlisted?

Without a Stat counter, I won’t know who has visited.

Oh the colors, the questions, the info they ask.

But they say I need all so in glory I may bask.

I’m followed by Tweet-bots, I think I followed some back.

I added a widget, now my Facebook’s been hacked!

Oh the options, the add-ons, the “free” and the “pay”.

This is turning out to be one long, exhausting day.

By nightfall my head was spinning like a top.

The only thing I knew was this joining had to stop!

But which ones should I keep, which ones to let go?

If someone was searching for me, how would I know?

I have to keep Facebook, it’s the biggest network.

But if I don’t have Twitter, I’ll look like a jerk.

I gotta have Klout to track the influence I exert,

And I HAVE to be LinkedIn if I hope to find work.

Pinning is just fun, so that one has to stay.

And I just claimed my blog on Technorati today.

Without the listing sites I won’t know if I exist.

So I’m back where I started and beginning to get pissed.

I wish I could awaken to find it all was a dream.

But instead I get Tweets from the whole Twitter Team.

I’m trapped in a Timeline, I see I’ve been Pinned,

E-Mail says my Klout dropped, I know this is the end.

Now I’m on BlogHer and SheWrites and Cracked.

I’m a part of the Network, there’s no turning back!

I really need to write on the blog claimed as mine.

But I’m so busy networking, I no longer have time.

Let this be a lesson, let it stand as a warning.

If you ever wake-up bored and curious one morning,

Don’t do it, just say, “NO!” This I promise to you,

You’ll end up confused and lost in cyber-space too!

I selected this post to be featured on my blog’s page at Humor Blogs.