Friday, January 25, 2013

Am I Not Worthy?

  Good morning! Everywhere I’ve looked in the last week, I’ve seen references to those nasty little New Year’s resolutions we were all supposed to have made. Ya know, how well have you followed through and all that jazz?

  Well, I kinda fibbed to you. I proudly proclaimed I made NONE of these foul things. But…I made one. *hangs head in shame* My one resolution for this year was *insert drum roll here* to get Vince Offer to follow me on Twitter.

  That’s right, the ShamWow, Slap Chop, and Schticky guy! (Can we shorten that to the ShamSlapSchtick guy? Or maybe the WowChopIcky….I’ll work on it.)

  So today’s Top Ten list is dedicated to that end. Also, it’s in answer to an accusation The Girl hurled at me. “Mom, you’re like obsessed with this guy!” Which, just for the record, I TOTALLY am NOT!

     Top Ten Reasons Vince Offer Should Follow Me On Twitter, In 2 Parts:

Part 1 or “Why I Dig The Guy”

Vince Offer

     1) His commercials crack me the fudge-nuggets up. I mean, how can you NOT love a pitchman who uses innuendos to sell kitchen aids and lint removers?
       “You’re gonna love my nuts…”
       “Problem with that shedding pussy?…”

        It’s classic, I tell ya!
Have you ever heard of another Pitchman you can dance to?
        Visit YouTube and you’ll find the Shamwow Jam and the Slap Chop Rap. These lovely little tunes not only have a beat you can shake your money-maker too, but they‘re still informative enough to sell a product. (Can Billy Mays top that? Yeah. Thought not.)
       (Oh, and by “sell a product,” I was talking about the ShamWow and the Schticky, not your money-maker. Just makin sure we understand each other. OK? Cool.)
     3) He’s “hip” enough that Eminem used him to sell his album. (Which, I might add, included the split-second Sham-pon add. I darn near spit my coffee on the screen over THAT little gem!)
       (Quick question…did using the word “hip” make me sound as old as I think it just did!?!)
     4) Chronically bored. OK, I don’t know about you guys, but I refuse to believe any human can get THAT excited over any gadget, gizmo, or cleaner. The pitchmen that appear Happy-Pill Happy? Foster a strong distrust.
       Now, give me a guy who seems fairly bored with what he’s doing? THAT is totally believable. Surely that guy wouldn’t lie to me…right? (Sorry, can’t even type that with a straight face!)
How many celebrities’ careers have failed to recover after an arrest of any kind involving a prostitute? Well, not only did his recover, but he even pokes fun at it in the Schticky commercial.
       How can you not laugh with a guy who owns his screw-ups? Or, at least owns the ones he gets caught for. *grin*
Part 2 or “Why I’m Cool Enough To Be A Tweet-Pal”
(Is that even a real term? I’ll get back to you on that one. I may have just coined a new word, which would DEFINITELY make me cool.)

(WARNING before link this time. *grin* Funnier than any analogy I can think of on only a half pot of coffee, yet rated PG-13 for explicit sexual content…with Bigfoot…and a Stewardess…and others…just sayin’.)
I am one of the few, the proud, and the twisted that have watched the Official Schticky Gag Reel, a claim I wear with pride!

       Seriously, this one is even funnier than the Sham-pon.
I was part of the duo that invented the Free-Fall Funnel with the optional ShamWow liner for catching those stray sprays before they catch you! (Props to my cohort and future business partner Renee @Rvimmerstedt)
     8) When I finally get the funds to develop a safety harness for Senior keg-stands, Mr. Offer is the ONLY pitch guy I want hocking the thing.
       I think his combination of sarcastic, border-line disinterest and his headset would REALLY up my sales. Am I right?
In my “other lifeSuper Slug paid tribute to Mr. Offer’s work with the Schticky. (Certainly I deserve a “follow” for this alone!)
I’m a funny gal! OK, I think I’m funny, even if my family keeps telling me it’s more “mildly humorous” than outright “funny.”

       But I ask you, who else would he know who frequently tweets about out of work pornographic clowns and drunken Mimes?
  So please, Vince! Make my Twitter dreams for 2013 come true now so I can spend the rest of the year goofing off per business as usual.

As a bonus and just because it made The Girl and me laugh until we couldn’t breathe, I include for your viewing pleasure the Shamwow Dub Parody. Enjoy!

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