Anger And Avoidance

  Good morning! Today is a bit of a serious one…again. (Oops!)
  I’m fairly certain most of us have at least heard of the five stages of grief even if we’re not really sure what all in included. The stages are usually presented as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

  Here are a few interesting factoids most of us aren’t aware of. 1) They don’t necessarily occur in this order. 2) People don’t always experience all five stages. (Sometimes, just to complicate things, there are quite a few other emotional stages involved.) 3) The stages don’t apply only to the death of a loved one but can generally be applied to ANY loss, including loss of good health. 4) People can cycle through the stages over and over and over…

  Which brings me to today. Actually, the last month (or more).

  I’m mad. No, I’m not just mad, I’m “your mother caught you sneaking out of the house after curfew when you’re already grounded” mad! I AM FURIOUS!

  At what, you ask? At my damned body. At the ever increasing glitch-factor. At muscles that refuse to do my bidding. At the mess my house is because I’m unable to complete simple chores without help. At the fact that I need to flippin’ ASK for help.

  At the loss of life as I knew it for 40 years.

  Oh, and don’t let me forget to include Docs and the at-times imperfect “practice” of medicine. That’s a serious contributing factor as well.

  Once again, let me interject right here that I’m NOT looking for pity, empathy, or anything else. Just being honest because…well, happy and accepting are things of beauty but not always possible.

  People living with chronic illnesses are gonna have periods of their life where accepting the new normal doesn’t jive with the ole psyche. BUT, being mad as hell does. And I am THERE in spades!

  *pauses for inappropriate giggle*
I wish I could pass on some awesome coping mechanisms, but I am simply NOT in the mood to do serious research this morning. (Sorry!)

  I can tell you I’ve thrown myself toes-to-tip into doodling. It’s more of an “ignore the crap” way of working through it (avoidance?), since it’s something I can do from my beloved comfy couch without using the muscles that are hating me right now. (And OH how I hate them right back at this exact moment!)

  I’ve got projects going here and here, not to mention signing up to collaborate with The Mighty Turtle on “Turtle-Isms” and a bit of freelance work for a Marathon Relay Team. (Too many irons in too many fires? Noooo….NOT me!)
Illustrations by Chris Dean of Life Your Way!
Written by Karen Vasquez
A DeanSquez Joint

  The point is, life and reality are not always lovely rose gardens we can tippey-toe through, pausing to inhale the sweet, sweet aroma. Sometimes we look up and seem to find ourselves smack-dab in the middle of the Town Dump instead, holding our breath and waiting for the moment to pass.

  And pass it will, as long as we don’t deny our feelings and play pretend everything is okay-dokey. I know this. And, as with most nasty things in life, admitting it’s real is the first step in kicking its metaphorical ass!

  So, My name is Chris and I’m pissed. Plain and simple.

  Now that THAT’S outta the way, I suppose it’s time to pull my head out of Avoidance Land and figure out how to climb out of this dump and find my stinkin’ rose garden. *grin*


Anger And Avoidance — 18 Comments

  1. I am right there with you Hun! I’ve been cycling through the stages for a year now. Just when I think I might be able to accept it all something else screws up!

    I’d like to report a defective body… who do I complain to? I was jipped! I want my money (life?) back!


    • If you ever figure out the way to get in touch witht he Complaints Department, PLEASE let me know ’cause I got a few bones to pick with them myself. *grin*
      It just kinda bites that as soon as you think you’ve found your balance, something else comes along and throws you right back into the cycle. *sigh*

  2. No pity … just an “I feel ya” to some degree. Last week, I was down for four – almost 5 – days. Started after a gall bladder ultra sound. I was wondering if she pushed too hard Have to go back in for another more specific one. Then a three-day cervical migraine that’s still lingering. There’s more, but I’ll spare you. One night, I was heard uttering “my body has betrayed me.” So, yeah, I get the grief thing. One of the things it affected was my ability to play my guitar without pain … so, yeah, that was sucky. If I can push through some degree of pain, yoga helps. So does a walk/hike. My legs are one of the few parts of my body that don’t hurt. We do what we can, right? You’re doin’ what you can. Hugs.

    • *hugs* back at ya! I’m curious about the gall bladder thing…just a thought, if there’s pain and other signs of gallbladder but the ultra sound comes back clean, ask them to do the “squeeze test”. Mine crapped out, but the problem was it quit squeezing. Ultra sound was pristine…
      Annd you’re so right, we do what we can to push through and keep some semblance of a normal life around the pain however we can. *grin*

  3. Guess what – you are allowed to be angry. Tell me one person who would not be angry at having to live with amount of pain you are in? I don’t know one, do you? What’s NOT to resent? You are doing the best thing you can do, feeling angry and acknowledging it. If you hide it, it festers into a nasty dark and horrible slimy depression. Get angry, let it out and feel better for the release.

    • Thanks lady! You’re right. It seems like att he nast emotions are like that…if we swallow them and try to ignore them, they fester and become something far worse.
      Thanks for the reminder!

  4. Vent away, Blog Mama – vent away. I can’t say that I understand the pain you’re going through, but I’m having some of my own health issues that are frustrating and exhausting at the same time. I hope that you are able to find some peace, both physical and emotional! Sending you all the hugs in the world!

    • Thanks sweetie!
      I know to most people who don’t live with it, carpal tunnel and GERD sound like nothin’, but they can be HORRIBLE! Especially when you’re not sure what the hell is goin’ on. Hopefully you’re finding some relief. *hugs*

  5. Great post. Stages of grief never happen in order and pop in and out of the life of anyone with a chronic illness. Thanks for the honest post. Keep reminding your self flares are temporary. The light at the end of that tunnel is NOT an oncoming train. I’m sending you healing vibes and thoughts.

    • Thanks Karen!
      That’s what I keep telling myself. That and Good Docs are amazing, but they’re still only human and it’s called “practicing” for a reason.
      Light at the end…light at the end…*grin*

  6. You go girl! You are entitled to having a rant day. Anyone living with a chronic, debilitating disease deserves the right to rant, feel down, throw things, etc. At least you are honest about it, which I admire very much.. Some days I just tell my husband to “take
    me out to the back 40- and shoot me!” I’m sure you feel the same way. My escape is Twitter and playing around with Photo Shop Elements (thus the change in headers all of the time.)

    • I love your revolving headers! They’re always so beautiful.
      And I have said the same to my hubby! “If I were a hourse you would have shot me by now!” I guess you know what they say about great minds. *hugs*

  7. i feel the most anger because i fear being incapable of handling emergencies that may arrive. this truly frightens me and in turn makes me feel super pissed off

    • Oh Bev, I complpetly understand that! What happens if one of them calls in the middle of the night…after night time meds? What happens if I glitch-out and someone needs me. The list goes on and on…and you’re right. It IS terrifying!
      I just try to hope we did a good enough job raising them that they can handle more of the emergencies with us Moms as back-up. (Yeah, doesn’t work for me either, but it sounded good.)

    • Agreed! (And I’m SO FRIGGIN’ HAPPY that you’re at least feelin’ well enough to play online again! *hugs*)
      Whether you want to hear it or not, I’m gonna tell you what an amazing woman you are! Becasue you have had such a rough year with your health, yet you still manage to keep a positive outlook. You’re my hero, lady!

  8. Chris – I wish I had thought of blogging as an outlet for when I was going through a 2 year period of chronic pain. I’m so glad that writing seems to be a great outlet for you. You may have temporarily lost control of your body, but you will always have control of your writing, it us utterly and completely your’s! By the way, I love your blog’s new look. And….so sorry I have not visited as often as I would like too…pesky things like the full time job, mothering, and house work just gets in the way. Sending hugs! Lisa

    • LOL! I understand sweetie. Life ALWAYS takes precedence over a blog, and that’s the way it should be. *grin*
      I think the doodling is actually helping more than the writing, since my language center tends to shut down first when the circuts are overloading. Days like these? I write more for others than myself. *hugs*

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