Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Sound Of Teeth Chattering

  Good morning! Welcome to the frozen tundra frozen wasteland deep freeze my house. I swear, I am typing with fingers I cannot feel! (No friggin’ joke, peoples!)

  How did I end up like this, you ask? OH! I am SO happy to tell you!!!!

  Last year our heater imploded. It got cold, we turned it one, and…nothing. Fine! Dirty, rotten bastard wants to retire, FINE! Space heaters were in effect for the milder days and we have an old-timey wood burning stove for the COLD days. Not a problem.

  Summer came and the space heaters were replaced with fans and the non-functioning heater was forgotten for two seasons.

  THEN came the winter. Again with the ceramic heaters and occasional wood burning stove routine. Until NOW! Yesterday saw us go from a day in the low 50’s on Sunday to a day that never made it over 22.

  So…Sunday night as the temperature outside plummeted, we built a fire.

  An hour later we heard the THUDDEDY-BOOM!
It was the pipes that carry the smoke from the cast-iron stove to the chimney FALLING OFF! Yeah, you read that right. We had a BIG fire now venting into our damn basement. (EEK!)
 With the use of multiple oven-mitts and enough profuse cussing to flatten an Amish dude from 40 paces, hubby and I managed to jimmy-rig the pipes back together long enough for the fire to burn out without killing all of us. (There was not a lot of deep sleep on my behalf Sunday night.)

  Yesterday hubby rose early and off to the hardware store we went. Where I remembered WHY we no longer collaborate on projects. You see, when you stick two stubborn, iron-willed individuals who are both ALWAYS right together? Shiz-nit gets real ugly real fast.

  In order to save my marriage, I ended up wandering the aisles in an aimless manner whilst the hubs gathered the supplies.

This? NOT good!
  He then spent the next 3 ½ hours attempting to install said supplies. All the while, the basement door was standing WIDE OPEN so the extension cord could reach an accommodating plug-in. (Did I mention it never got above 22 yesterday?)

  The end verdict was…”I can’t get it stable. I don’t understand what the *insert long line of colorful language in inventive combinations here* is WRONG!” Then he had to depart for work leaving a non-functioning stove-of-salvation in his wake.

  This morning? It’s in the negative numbers outside and my house is a oh so NOT comfortable “fucking cold” degrees! (The oldest gave me this accurate reading. Yep, chip off the old potty-mouthed block!)

  I’m seriously considering rubbing raw meat on my clothes just to insight the cats to lounge all over me for the extra heat. *sigh*

  I love my hubs and have complete faith in his ability to resurrect the stove pipes today. But just in case, I‘m wondering if it would be out of the question to move our pot-bellied grill inside and build a small fire in the living room…