Bring My Sexy Back?

This is how you make a cane
sexy, right? Yeah, I could’ve
been a model!

Dear Mr. Timberlake,
.
  I have a problem and I think you may be just the guy to help me with it. I mean, after all, aren’t you the one who single handedly brought “sexy” back?
.
  Yeah, well…THAT’S my problem! I have lost what little “sexy” I had and have no friggin’ clue where to find it!
.
  I’ve watched your video repeatedly looking for ideas on how to help myself, but since I have no intention of mauling a young girl in a club all “beast-in-heat” style, I’m not sure what steps to take next.
.
  Once upon a time I thought I had a smidgeon of sexy, but lately I’ve been feeling more like a hoodie-covered huffalump. My roots are showing, my face is broke out like I’m re-entering puberty, my shoes are as boring as tree bark, and my sparkly purple cane has lost its charm.
.
  I’ve thought about make-up but really, is there much point when the only ones who see me most of the day are the offspring and critters? Plus, then I have to scrub my face and deal with he further break-outs it causes.
.
  My low-cut, push-up shirts are a thing of the past since the only thing the girls are good for when brought to attention and exposed are catching my poptart crumbs.
.
  Low riders that show off my hips and booty? Well, when the low riders in question are flannel, Tinkerbell jammie pants, it looses any “sexy” value it might have possessed. Besides, my booty is currently somewhere half an inch above the back of my knees so I’d probably need seriously reinforced britches to achieve any hotness value. And that’s just too much work to get in and out of.
.

Alas, they are merely
quasi-ornamental
crumb catchers…


  I thought briefly about a new alluring perfume, since all the adds assure me that if I only take a shower in the stuff I’m gonna be hotter than Marilyn, sachet like Charlise, have the body of a nubile pre-teen, with men who look like Greek Gods falling at my feet. But, until they either create a scent that blends well with the menthol undertones of muscle rub, or create a deep-penetrating rub by Calvin Kline, I’m kinda on the side-lines here too.
.
  While I KNOW you’re busy thinking hard about my problem, might I offer a few suggestions that might help me and countless others who are feeling just as “where the hell did my sexy go” as I am?
.
  First off, for your next video? Why not cast a bunch of middle-aged, pajama-wearing, real-world women to be the female embodiment of “sexy”? With you being the Pied Piper of Sexy and all, if you say it’s HOT, the world will follow!.
.
  Oh, and instead of getting all physical on a table or bathroom sink, how about showing you guys watching TV together while sitting on the couch. Again, if you say this is the ultimate turn on? The World will believe!
.
  Besides, every other artist out there is making the same, boring videos with the scantily clad, gyrating women. You? Could not only be totally original, but raise the bar by showing how completely desirable we normal, middle-aged women are.
.
  Not that I’m wanting guys to fawn over me, but it would make me feel so much more confident in my own skin. And in the end, isn’t that what sexy really is?
.
  Thank you for your time and the help I just KNOW is gonna be coming my way.
.
Sincerely looking forward to your next video!
Chris Dean


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge