Friday, February 1, 2013

Magic-Voice-Multi-Tasking- Raccon-Talking-Dirt-Controlling-Skunk-Smelling-Calorie-Bending-Internal-Thermostat Woman

  Good morning! I’ve been thinking again. (I know, I know. Sorry!) Ya see, yesterday‘s post got me wondering…what if I DID have Super Powers? What would they be? Would I go “mainstream” or get all creative and stuff?
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  So, with it being another Friday and all, why not run with it and make it today’s Top Ten list?
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     Top Ten Super Powers I Wish I Had:

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     1)
Most people probably think it’d be pretty cool to have X-ray vision and be able to check out all the hot, sexy bods all nekked and such. But ya know what? In my “middle age” years, I’d give my left nostril to be able to put clothes ON more people than those I’d want to see through.      
       The tween girl wearing a pair of shorts that covers less area than my granny panties? CLOTHE HER! The dude with his ass hanging outta his pants? CLOTHE HIM! The Grandma who fails to understand the physical limitations of Spandex? CLOTHE HER! (Then send her to Bingo.) The 40 DD who shops for shirts in the Toddler Department? PLEASE! For the love of all that is holy, CLOTHE HER!
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     2) Everyone’s always cracking on poor Aqua Man and his ability to talk to fish. Well, if one lived by the sea and made a living off of the fishing trade, that’d be a pretty darned handy skill.        For me living in the country and all, I’d like to be able to talk to Raccoons. I could convince them to leave my birds alone, go visit the neighbor’s trash and stay outta mine, and tell them all about the wonders of birth control so there wouldn’t be so many to fend off every year!
       They’re such smart little buggers, the possibilities would be endless!
       Besides, Aqua Man has his chariot pulled by Seahorses, just think how killer I’d look riding in a wheel barrow pulled (and pushed) by Raccoons.
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     3) Storm can control the elements and weather. I’m not that greedy. I just want the power to control dirt!       
       Oh what an amazing world this would be if I could stop dirt before it finds a place to settle in the form of dust. No more need to clean the house, sweep the floors, or do laundry! (OK, as much laundry unless I also develop the ability to control sweat glands and certain people‘s mastery of the use of toilet paper. *sigh*)
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     4) You might think this one odd, but work with me for a minute and I KNOW you’ll see the beauty of it. Skunk powers. Oh yeah!                                                                                                                  
       No more waiting in line at the super market or trying to get around annoying people who take up half the aisles while talking on their cell phones. One wave of my tail and they ALL run!
       Annoying house guest won’t leave? Teenager won’t stop following you begging to borrow the car? Boss chewing your butt for being late? BOOM! Skunk powers activate, baby! EVERYONE would leave you alone. you alone. *grin*
Photo courtesy of Mary-Cummins
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     5) I would truly LOVE to have some freaky ability to amplify signal strength. Internet connection slow? Cell phone got no bars? Rain interfering with cable signal and screwing with the end of your favorite show? Amplify powers, ON!
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     6) The whole Jedi Mind Trick is pretty cool, but I’m not that greedy. I would never ask to be able to control ALL minds, only those of Tech Support peoples.                                                   
       Oh, come on! Wouldn’t your life be SO much less stressful if you could just wave your hand, signaling your extra set of vocal chords that only resonate on the frequency of Tech Support headsets to spring to life, thus enabling a pleasant, SPEEDY resolution to your problems?
       And this way? The customer IS always right!
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     7) Another sweet power I’d LOVE to have would be the Power of the Thermostat! Oh my GAWD, would I be a happy little camper if I could magically control my internal temperature setting.                   
       No more hot flashes. No more falling asleep at someone’s house because they have the thermostat set on “Fires of Hell.” No more shivering under blankets because your spouse likes it “chilly” when they’re sleeping. No more worrying what the weather is like when you’re choosing an outfit for the day.
       Nope! One twitch of the nose and your bod regulates itself allowing for your maximum comfort at all times. *happy sigh*
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     8) I don’t think I’d ever want Professor Xavier’s ability to speak into someone’s mind, BUT if I had the ability to make the idiots on the other end of the television program hear me? How sweet would THAT be!?!                                                                                                                                              
       Imagine it with me…when you’re shouting at the TV about the stupid continuity error? The guy in charge of that would hear you. Yelling directions at the player or Coach during the game? They’d hear you! Screaming, “Don’t go in there! The killer’s behind the door!” during your horror fest? The dumb blonde would hear you! (Of course, she’d still be a dumb blonde, so by the time she reasoned out exactly WHAT you were screaming about, it’d be too late anyway. But that’s not the point.)
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     9) Forget bending steel or bending people to my will. I’ll settle for bending calories. Yep, no more worries about the chocolate bar, brownies, or entire bag of Doritos slathered in chip dip I just ate. I’d be able to alter the calorie content making it THAT easy to NOT gain the extra thigh padding. (Hey, if I’m gonna dream, let me dream big!)
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     10) Last but most definitely NOT least…the ability to multi-task. Just think of all the things I could accomplish if I could only multi-task. *contented sigh*                                                                       
        I could write, listen to the offspring’s latest emergency, find hubby’s other sock, and remember to breathe all at once. Or even just chew gum and walk Zombie shuffle at the same time, because I wanted to.
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  There ya have it. If my life was a comic book, I’d be Magic-Voice-Multi-Tasking- Raccon-Talking-Dirt-Controlling-Skunk-Smelling-Calorie-Bending-Internal-Thermostat Woman. (Nope! Not a mouthful at all.)
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  Ya know I gotta ask now. No holds barred, what would your Super Power be?

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