Friday, February 15, 2013

Tales of the Smart and Smart-Assier

  Good morning! I’d tell you that you can blame the following on The Girl for making me recount Tales of the Smart and Smart-assier, but I’m thinking you’re gonna place the blame on me anyway.
  Last night while she was “approving” a comic, I was forced to disclose that the dialogue was pretty much verbatim (minus the foul language) from an incident that occurred in my youth. Which tripped a switch in my brain that was desperately searching for inspiration for today’s Top Ten list!
  So here it is, ala Memory Lane…

     Top Ten Smart-Assiest Things That Were Said To Authority-Type Figures:
     1) First Psych Eval at age 13. (This one is at least partially my Dad’s fault, since he suggested the AWESOME come-back the day before.) When Doc failed to ask me the “trigger question” for my prepared punch-line:
Me- “Aren’t you gonna ask me to tell you about my childhood?”
Doc- “Why? Would you like to talk about your childhood?”
Me- “No. You were supposed to say, ‘Tell me about your childhood,’ so I could say, ‘Why? Didn’t you have one of your own?’”
     2) Sometime under the age of 10. My Mother was at a follow-up visit with the Doc about a possible tumor:
Doc- “The good new is, it’s just a cyst.” Looking my direction, “What do you think about that, young lady?”
Me- Looking all thoughtful and such, “I always wanted a cyst, but I got a brother instead.”
     (Yes, I DID start at a young age.)
     3) While visiting the Doc about a SERIOUS “Unspeakable H” issue:
Doc- “You have an external blood clot that’s causing all the problems. We’re going to have to cut it out. Is someone with you that can drive you home afterwards?”
Me- “Nope. Just me.”
Doc- “You mean you drove here with these?”
Me- “No, I drove here with my hands and feet.”
(Can we say the Doc did NOT share my sense of humor?)
     4) When I was 17 I was pulled over by a State Trooper for driving a “little” faster than I was supposed to be going. (Something like 69 in a 55? Pfft! I was late for curfew!)
Officer- “Also, were you aware your brake lights aren’t working?”
Me- “Umm…no. I didn’t know.”
Officer- “Why weren’t you aware of it?”
Me- “I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually stand behind my vehicle while applying the brakes.”
     (WRONG ANSWER! Insta-ticket, my friends!)
     5) While preparing for the Grand Opening of a new BW3’s, I was helping to ready the Bar. I called the District Manager (DM) and the Owner over:
Me- “Where are the Braille menus? You ordered them, right?”
DM- “I think so.” To the Owner, “Do you know where they are?”
Owner- “They’re in the office. I’ll grab them.”
Me- “While you’re in there, check and see if the menus for the Deaf are with them. You ordered them too, right?”
     (I think I kept a straight face for two full minutes while the two of them panicked because no one remembered ordering the Deaf Menus. Then? I simply lost it!)
     6) At the grocery store purchasing a 15 pound bag of cat food and a gallon of milk:
Cashier- Scanning milk, “Would you like your milk in a bag?”
Me- “No thanks.”
Watching cashier wrestle monster bag of cat food across scanner, “Can you please put that in a bag for me?”
     (I only gave her look of panic a few seconds before I busted-up laughing.)
     7 & 8) Cashing a $649.00 check at the bank:
Teller- “Is there any specific way you’d like this?”
Me- “I’d like 100 ones and the rest in pennies please.”
Teller- “Ha ha ha.”
Me- “No, really.”
     (I gave her a good 10 seconds of panic before I let her off the hook. It was just too easy!
Next trip…)
Teller- “Is there any specific way you’d like this?”
Me- “In Russian Rubles.”
     (They’ll just never learn…)
     9) While speaking to a Customer Service Rep for my cell phone service provider: 
CSR- “Are you calling from your phone?”
Me- “Umm…no. I’m calling from my toaster and it’s getting some pretty awesome reception!”
     10) Entering a Tattoo shop to get a tiny moon placed on the inside of my right wrist. Because I was determined to achieve White Trash status, I had a 3 year old and an 18 month old with me.
Guy- Looking at the offspring, “You want a tattoo for you?”
Me- “Nope. I wanted to get ‘If lost please return to…’ tattooed on these kids’ asses.”
     (I think he was actually considering it before I clued him in to the fact I was JOKING!)
  There ya have it, a solid 10 examples of my life-long quest to be the World’s biggest smart-ass! If you’ve got any good ones, I would LOVE for you to share!

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