Friday, February 8, 2013

Tunes From The Crapper

  Good morning! I’m gonna go ahead and issue a WARNING so no one can say they read on “blind” and then get all yell-y and offended and junk. Today’s Top Ten is offensive, gross, and comprised solely of seriously dark humor pertaining to the bowel and butt region. (And probably a whole lot of copyright issues.)
  OK, I am notorious for re-writing songs. I do it on a daily basis driving everyone in my family UP A WAll. (I’m telling ya, Weird Al’s got NOTHIN’ on me!) Since part of my glitches involve colon annoyances which have inevitably led to painful problems of the hemorrhoid type, I frequently re-write songs while perched atop my throne. (Hey, I spend a LOT of time there. Don’t judge me.)
  Today’s Top Ten is basically a Greatest Hits of my potty-oriented tuneage. I hope you enjoy get a good chuckle, because for myself and so many others it’s become something we GOTTA laugh at to keep from crying.
     Top Ten Tunes From The Crapper:
Remember the Yoga pose
"Crap Stance"?
1) I Hate My Bum  (“We Are Young” by fun featuring Janelle Monae)
Tonight I hate my bum
Hemorrhoids set my world on fire
My stance gets wider
Still they rub
Tonight I hate my bum…
2) Good Riddance (I Wish)  (“Good Riddance [Time of Your Life]” by Greenday).
Another turning point,
A lump blocking my load
Cramps grab you by the ass
Directs you where to go
So make the best of the hassle known as poo
Grab a book and settle in for good
It’s always unpredictable and in the end I wipe
These are the worst shits of my life!
3) A Burning That Lives Below (“Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye Featuring Kimbra).
But you didn’t have to turn me out!
Make it all unproductive and like it was nothing
And I don’t even want to wipe
‘Cause you make it so the Tucks even feel so rough
No you didn’t have to swell so much
All my straining is for nothing and the cramps are killer
Guess I should expect that though
Now you’re just a burning that lives below
Now you’re just a burning that lives below
Now you’re just a burning that lives below
4) Just No Fun  (“Born To Run” by Bruce Springsteen).

In the day we sweat it out on the john’s in pain that’ll make you scream
At night we ride our thrones in homes with Fabreeze and Tuck’s extreme
Sprung from the bowls of your and mine
IBS, Crohn’s, Colitis we’re in pain all down the line
Maybe this time it’ll work like a champ.
It’s a killer cramp, an unproductive crap
I wanna get off of my bum
But colons like our, baby they’re just no fun!
5) Ring of Fire  (“Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash) (YES! I did have to go there.).
‘Roids are a burning thing
And it makes a fiery ring
Bound by coffee and cheese
I pray for release on my knees
I’m sitting here with a burning ring of fire
“Things” move down, down, down
But the swelling blocks my desire
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire
My ring of fire…
6) Hurt To Poo  (“Hurts So Good” by John Mellancamp) (I’m from Indiana so by State Law I HAD to include one of his songs. *grin*)When I was a young girl
Never question my voiding ways
Now that I’m getting older, so much older
I long for those easier days
When I could poo
So easy to poo
Lord knows there are things I wanna do, baby
Like make a painless stool
But you gotta make it
Hurt to poo
Damn colon makes it hurt to poo!
Sometimes a body don’t work like it should
It makes it hurt to poo!
7) Stinky Company  (“Bad Company” by Bad Company).

Day after day, I always got the runs
In the powder room I greet the rising Sun.
Book in hand, it’s me and my butt
‘Cause I was born, a problem with my gut
That’s why they call me
Stinky company, I can’t deny
Stinky, stinky company and my colon is why!
8) Hemorrhoids Burning  (“World Turning” by Fleetwood Mac).
Everybody wants to know what’s wrong
I just wish that things were back where they belong
Hemorrhoids burning
I gotta get some meds for the eye that’s brown
Hemorrhoids burning
All this pain has got me down.
Maybe I’m wrong, writing songs about my butt
But I need a way to distract from my churning gut
Hemorrhoids burning
I’m gonna get sued for copyright
Hemorrhoids burning
My sense of humor just ain’t right!
9 & 10) While My Colon Gently Weeps  (“While My Guitar Gently Weeps” by The Beatles) (I’m counting this as two, since I KNOW Terri did a recoding of herself singing this, even though she refuses to post it. SO not fair!).
I look at the john and I know it is coming
While stinky gas gently seeps
I cling to the tub, doubled over, it’s freaky
Oh how my butt really reeks!
I don’t know why this explosion started, I only farted, but now
The cramps, they keep moving, waves running through me,
Taking control of my gut
I look at the clock and I notice it’s creeping
While my colon gently weeps
With every new round, I must surely be done now…
Still my colon gently weeps.
I don’t know where it’s coming from now
Surely I’ve emptied out.
I think that I just lost my fillings
And pooed out my bridge work too.
I look to the left where the Tucks it is sitting
While my colon gently weeps.
As I’m sitting here doing nothing but waiting
Still my colon gently seeps.
  For those brave and twisted souls who made it through the entire list, may your day be filled with few trips to the throne room and absolutely NO burning or itching activity.

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