Saturday, March 9, 2013

Blah Blah Blah Pure Evil Blah Blah Blah

  Good morning! Currently I have a line from a song stuck in my head. “Paranoia strikes deep. Into your heart it will creep. It starts when you’re always afraid…” (OK, maybe more than one line, but close enough.)

  You see, yesterday I had a seriously early morning appointment with my uber-awesome Rheumy, Baby Face. It went something like this…
Me- “Blah blah blah scared shitless blah blah blah.”
Baby Face- “Wah wah wah it’s probably cool ‘casue a lot of people have this glitch and never realize it wah wah wah.”
Me- “Blah blah blah I’M GONNA DIE blah blah blah!!!”
BF- “Wah wah wah you’re pretty much batshit crazy ain’t ya wah wah wah.”
Me- “Blah blah blah Dude, it’s my flippin’ HEART blah blah blah.”
BF- “Wah wah wah hey crazy lady, try taking a chill-pill wah wah wah.”
  OK, there may have been a teeny, tiny bit of paraphrasing going on there, but you get the idea.
  Basically, my ticker is behaving like…me. Ya know, marching to its own beat. Which isn’t necessarily that cool a thing to do when you’re a HEART! And, of course, it’s as high-strung as I am and REALLY flips-out whenever I stand up or move around. Even shower time becomes an exercise in getting clean before the black spots appear in my line of vision.

  So, being the Mistress of Worst Case Scenarios and all, I’ve become increasingly paranoid about organ implosion/explosion. (Hey, it could happen!) (At least in my imagination it could.)
  The truth is (probably) that it’s just an odd glitch that doesn’t hurt a thing, other than my brain because I’m worrying about it WAY too much!
  So next week I get the fun of returning for a EKG to check out its rhythm. If there are any lingering concerns, they’ll wire me up for a further 24 hour test. Meanwhile, I’m supposed to relax and not worry about it. Which brings me to he Darker Side of my personality…
Me- “Y’all know it gets worse when I move around….then I get all dizzy and lightheaded and junk.”
Hubby- “Honey, just try to relax and not worry about it.”
Me- “I’ve been doing the dizzy, light headed thing during morning bird work. Ya know, if I pass out while I’m out there and land face down in the mud? I’ll suffocate. Then you’d find me all dead and stuff, covered in mud and no one will even wanna TRY to give me mouth-to-mouth because they‘d get all muddy too. I‘d be dead AND groddy!”
The Girl- *“GEEZE Mom! You want me to do the morning bird work? Why don’t ya just ask instead of pulling this passive/aggressive stuff!”
Me- “No, no, don’t worry about it. I’ll PROBABLY be fine. I was just sayin’…By the way, I think I left my glass in the kitchen. Could you grab it for me?”
  Yep, spread the paranoia by accident, use it to be even lazier by choice. I am…PURE EVIL!

*The Girl wants it known that she didn't actually offer like THAT. She was much nicer and much less annoyed sounding. Oh, and the passive/aggressive comment was in reality applied to a DIFFERENT tangent I went riding on.
Now my conscious is clear. (She just needs to learn to embrace the whole "writer's discretion" thing!)

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