Friday, March 22, 2013

Can I Be In The Super Secret Club Now?

  Good morning! Ya know, one thing I’ve noticed since I started doing this here bloggy thing is I’ve met a lot of writers. (Someone who writes meeting other people who write? Yeah, pretty darn weird.)
  Anyway, I’m sort of starting to feel left out, since most of the other bloggers I’ve struck up friendships with are currently working on books. So, I decided maybe it was time for me to get serious and start working on a book of my own.
  But what should it be about? What to call it. These are the things that perplex me.
  So for today’s Top Ten List I thought maybe I’d spit-ball a bit. Ya know, throw some ideas at the wall and see if anything sticks. Like cooking spaghetti, only totally different. (Hey, this is how writers talk in the movies, right?)
     Top Ten Book Ideas That’ll Never Make Me Rich:
     1) “Geese Are Judgmental Ass-hats” 
  You’ve read the books by the experts, now read what living with geese is REALLY like!
  In this whimsical recounting of her life with geese (hey, whimsical stuff sells, peoples!) Chris introduces you to such oddities as Goslin and Max the gay geese, Pearl the homicidal maniac, and oodles of fun facts like geese hate it when other birds have sex. (Freakish, yet true.)
  After reading this can’t-put-down adventure, you’ll either be ready to run right out and get geese of your own or pawn the ones you already have off onto unsuspecting friends.
     2) “Certified White Trash” 
  By the age of 25, Chris was already a Mother four times over and living below the poverty line. Plus, she spent five years living in a trailer, which in her opinion makes her certified White Trash.
  With the freedom this title proffers, she not only recounts some of the white-trashier things she’s done, but also does a bit of well justified ranting.
…”OK, here’s the thing. If it’s after 10:00 PM with temperatures under 32 degrees and you’re carrying a 15 month old over your arm like a sack of flour AND that baby isn’t wearing a coat, hat, shoes, or even SOCKS? I am SO gonna judge your ass and feel absolutely no guilt about it. Because you know what? Replacement teeth may cost a pretty penny and dip unnecessarily into your weekend beer fund, but common sense is free mother-fucker!”…
     3) “The Parent’s Guide to Parenting” 
  If you buy only one book this year, don’t make it this one! I mean, it’s an advice book for cryin’ out loud and the only qualifications the Author has is a former inability to control her reproductive habits and being able to proudly claim all four of her children survived her Mothering skills until they at least reached adulthood.
  Besides, babies and toddlers can’t read so they can’t follow along to see how they’re supposed to react to what the book says you’re supposed to do. (And even if they could read, they probably wouldn’t do it anyway because they’re kids! )
     4) “My Life is Trying to Kill Me” 
  Author Chris Dean isn’t really sure of much except the fact that all the things in her life are conspiring to kill her.
  From the cats that try to trip her EVERY LAST DAMN TIME she takes the steps to the birds that intentionally screw with her by playing “Chicken” with oncoming traffic (and they’re not even chickens, they’re ducks. So by definition they should play “Duck” with traffic, which would be TOTALLY cool, since that means they wouldn’t be in danger of getting hit or causing an accident and I could flippin’ relax for once!) to her four offspring who are proof that the dreaded “Mother’s Curse” really does work, everything in her world seems intent on driving her over the edge.
  And it’s gonna be a really short trip.
     5) “Flatulence: The Gift That Keeps Giving!”
  Author’s Note Do y’all really need a synopsis here? Because, ya know…the title is pretty darned self explanatory!
     6) “And Then I Pooped Myself!” 
  Chris and her friends share stories of all the times Mother Nature played a cruel joke and left them holding the bag, which contained their soiled undergarments.
  You’ll find stories that’ll tickle your funny bone as well as tales that’ll make you cry. Whatever the time or place, there’s one thing you’ll know for sure…it’ll all come out in the end!
     7) “Why Vince Offer Hates Me” 
  After a year long quest to convince the famed Pitch-Man Vince Offer (of Shamwow! And Schticky fame) to follow her on Twitter, Chris was forced to take a step back and a long, hard look at her life. What she found wasn’t what she expected.
  Join the Author on this life-altering quest to find the deeper meaning of Life, the Universe, and WHY Vince Offer continues ‘til this day to ignore her on Social Media.
     8) “Be An Ostrich!” 
  After years of dealing with increasing anxiety levels over all of life’s responsibilities, Chris Dean discovered the key to personal happiness; just be an ostrich!
  Bills mounting with no way to pay? Be an ostrich!
  Kids driving you nuts and you need a break? Be an ostrich!
  Spouse won’t stop talking to you about things like “budgets,” “spending habits” and “clean dishes”? Be an ostrich!
  By acting like this noble bird and sticking your head in the sand (or your sweatshirt), you can find the same peace and tranquility that Chris has found.
Disclaimer Author not responsible for any behavior that leads to disconnected Utilities, divorce, or years of Therapy bills.
     9) “The Birth of Super Slug” 
  Bitchy-Chris was a delightful little girl. And by “delightful” we really mean “annoying”.
  One day, Bitchy-Chris tripped on her own two feet and fell head-first down an apparent rabbit hole and landed in the magical realm of Modern Medicine. (Rabbit hole? Really? You can’t do any better than that? This does NOT bode well for the originality of your story. Just sayin’…)
  After journeying for what seemed like years, Bitchy-Chris finds herself in the Castle of the wicked Witch in the Kingdom of Rheumy where she, yet again, manages to be perfectly delightful. So delightful, in fact, that the Witch lays a curse on her, turning her into…Super Slug!
Publisher’s Note This book was printed at knife point. We think it’s a load of crap and anyone purchasing it should have their head examined. We are NOT responsible for any complaints since we JUST WARNED YOU and because of this will offer no refunds under any conditions!
     10) “The Adventures of Jack and January” 
  Jack and January were fluffy, huggable little chicks. The only problem was their Mother was missing.
Follow the adventures of these loveable little chicks as they peep their way through a world that seems intent upon eating them only to end up in the house of a big-hearted lady who takes them in and gives them a heat lamp and a place to call home.
  This book is filled with the Author’s own whimsical artwork. (I told you, whimsical sells!) A sure hit with anyone who has ever loved chickens!
  So there it is…ideas for books that’ll never make me rich! But it might be enough to get me into some super secret Book-In-Progress Club where the coffee is endless, the chocolate is Godiva and the keyboards on the laptops actually work without having to go back and fix a million mistakes because you accidentally broke the “T” key and there’s not even a real key there anymore, just a rubbery stump that only works half the time.
A girl can dream…