Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Hey, Jealousy!

  Good morning! Hey, you guys wanna see my dirty laundry? (Come on, you know I’m speaking metaphorically and stuff.)
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  On a normal day I TRY to be positive. I TRY to find ways to laugh at the absurdities life tosses my way. But sometimes, I fall short.
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  Hey, I’m human and this shiz-nit happens.
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  Like everyone else, I find ways to deal with these emotions, do my best to figure out the root cause, and move on. Ahhh…but every now and again one of them will sneak up on me and blind side my delicate balance, leaving me rocking and reeling, unable to look past the heat of the moment.
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  Jealousy. It’s not even a pretty word so look at or say, not to mention the ugly effects it leaves in its wake.
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  It may be called the green eyed monster, but in all reality it somehow manages to color your entire existence its nasty, recycled pea soup shade of green, leaving no room for the rosier colors of the emotional spectrum.
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  And what purpose does it even serve? Does it inspire a person to work harder? To push through barriers and become “more” than they believe themselves to be?
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  Oh hell no! It makes us sit with arms crossed, pouty lip out, and whine about the unfairness of life. We can spend HOURS listing off all the reasons blah blah blah should have been us. That AMAZING blah blah blah should have fallen into out laps! Life is unfair because they get to blah blah blah and I’m stuck here.
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  Totally non-productive behavior that leads us to some ugly spaces in our heads before it spills over, leaving us snarking at those we love as if it were all their fault.
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  So how do we push past this? How do we find the root cause so we can understand the beast, thus stealing its power and giving us the ability to put it behind us and move on?
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  PFFFFT! Let me know if you’ve figured this one out, ‘cause I’m still working on it. I honestly have never been in a situation where I have been able to harness the power of the green and make it work for me in any kind of a productive way.
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  Personally, I usually end up spending a few days (or weeks) rolling in the Wah-Wah-Poor-Pitty-Life-Is-Unfair-Me Zone before I manage to pull my head out of my ass and get back to living. Time completely wasted. Time that is way too precious to give over to this crap.
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  I’ve read the articles about jealousy being a perfectly normal thing, especially for folks with chronic illness. Evidently, at some point we’re supposed to be all jealous and cranky towards healthy folks.
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  I wish I could say I was perfectly normal and that’s EXACTLY where my angst is coming from. But, I’ve never really done anything that anyone would classify as normal, so why start now?
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  Mine stems from a much darker place. A hidden cave stuffed so far down in my psyche that it’s had time to grow fangs and claws, making sure it completely shreds my “normal life” to confetti on it’s way to the surface.
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  “And you’re sharing this with us why,” you ask? Because I’m an emotional exhibitionist? Because I enjoy removing the underwear of my soul and displaying its skiddies? Because I wanna make sure you feel far superior to my since you NEVER get your own soul’s panties in a wad over jealousy?
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  Because it’s something we all deal time and again and I’m no different. And because I’m trying like there’s no tomorrow to figure out how to kick it’s pea-green ass to the curb.
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  Because this is exactly where I’m at today and with every fiber of my being, I wish I knew how to just “get over it.”

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