Friday, March 8, 2013

I'm Probably Gonna Get Sued Over This One...

  Good morning! As we speak, a dear friend is going through her own version of hell…renovation on her home.
  It would seem that after WEEKS of experiencing what she thought was a “phantom smell,” her hubby pulled up a corner of the carpet to prove there was nothing growing…and found a wet sub floor! Yep, pipe busted in the wall.
  So now, half her house is stripped down to the sub floor while awaiting the arrival of the *insert sinister music here* Construction Guys!
  To cheer her up (since she’s looking at weeks of strange guys with tools taking over most of her home) I decided to come up with some ways she can amuse herself. Without further ado…
     Top Ten Ways to Keep Your Sanity During Home Renovations:.

  1) Start a Facebook page.
With all the Plumbers and such traipsing about her home, she’s sure to see ample amounts of butt-cleavage. Why not share it with the world?
  Start your very own “Crack of the Day” page and post the best crack-o-sunshine you were witness to so EVERYONE can experience your joy!
  You could even post multiple pics and let page members vote on their faves.
  2) Haunted House. Quietly move a tool from one room to the next. Then, when the owner of said tool freaks out because “somebody” moved it, tell him your house is haunted. You can also move other items like drinks, lunch boxes, and jackets.  
  Employ your offspring to randomly walk past the work area while nonchalantly discussing the latest Poltergeist activity. See how long it takes to convince the workers your house is completely possessed!
  3) Music wars. Take a few days to determine what kind of music your work crew digs. THEN play the exact, polar opposite. Loud. ALL DAY! You may have to invest in your own earplugs, but I can almost guarantee this will speed up their work, just to escape from the horrible tunes.
  (By the way? I am NOT responsible if this one backfires and they abandon the work site!)
  4) Perfume Tester. First, find a scent you like. Next, inform the Crew that you’re interviewing for a job as the Lady that stands inside the store and sprays random passers-by with perfume…and you need practice.  
  You’re then free to walk at your leisure through he house, spritzing the occasional worker with girly-smelling aerosol.
  They’ll either speed up to escape you or file a lawsuit because their wives think they’re having an affair and leave them. (Which one call from you could probably fix that…probably…)
  Whatever the outcome, your home will at least smell better.
  5) Coinslot Bullseye. For the most fun, you need a second person to play this one. 
  First, decide on a “scoring scale.” Then, equip yourself with a supply of frozen pennies or ice cubes. (The cold effect makes this one even MORE fun!)
  The object of the game is to toss the ice or chilled coin down the actual crack for a Bulls Eye with points being awarded for “almost” and the volume of the yelp emitted by the target.

  6) Leg-Hump. This one takes some forward-thinking planning on your part.
a- Buy a hyper, male, yap-yap dog.
b- Teach it to hump any leg wearing a work boot. (If hubby’s job requires said footwear, he’ll quickly learn to remove them before entering the house. Double bonus!)
c- Sit back and watch the Benny Hill style fun as your dog showers the construction crew with love!
  7) Art Class. If they’re gonna lay new flooring or replace a wall anyway, take this opportunity to get in touch with your inner-child. That’s right, draw on the walls and the floor! It could even be a beautiful bonding experience for you and your offspring.  
  In the evening, when the crew has gone home, use chalk, crayons, finger paints…whatever strikes your fancy, and cover the sub floor with a beautiful mural.
  This one can also be a GREAT stress-buster for you, not to mention beautifying the work space for the guys!
  8) Under the Rug. Before the guys show up to remove the carpet, take some red paint and smear it around with your hands, making sure to leave trailing hand prints and a “pool” or two. If you like, you can also leave “interesting” messages in the paint.  
  When the crew pulls the carpet back and is greeted with your work, act shocked and then tell them you’d heard rumors that this was a “murder house.”
  Now step back and enjoy the confused show.
  9) Spaceship Home. “Borrow” some of the heavy, clear plastic from the worksite and construct plastic tunnels between all the rooms. Now you can either pretend you’re in the house from ET after the Government moved in or that your living in a Space Ship.  
  This one works best if you can get your hands on a couple of Haz-Mat suits. That way? You get the full effect.
  10) Phobia. Convince your spouse to inform the Site Foremen that you have a borderline pathological fear of butt cracks.  
  If you’re not taken seriously, feel free to walk through the room a time or two and if any “cracks” are in evidence, roll your eyes back in your head and shriek like a Banshee!
  One or two instances of this, and everyone will learn to keep their pants ALL the way up in your presence.
  Ya know what? #2 and #5 almost make me wish we had construction goin’ on here. ALMOST!