Thursday, May 9, 2013

Chocolate Intervention?

  Holy sugar-rush, Batman! I think she needs an intervention!
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  Robin, not even that could save her now. This is one of those times we just need to back away slowly.
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  We could at least take her fork.
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  No, Robin, we can’t. She’s a biter!
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This? Is the face of SHAME!

  Good morning! I think I really DO need an intervention. Because death by chocolate? Is starting to look like a very real possibility. 
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  OK, I have something called Gastric Dumping Syndrome, which is fancy talk for food doesn’t stay in my stomach long enough. It’s in, now it’s out. No fuss, no muss, no digestion.
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  As a result of this, I have awesome drops in blood sugar (BS). Now, I could be a good girl and follow the special diet that calls for lots of complex carbs with some meat and fat at every meal, since these are the things that are hardest to process so they can slow the roll of my chow. Sadly, they also require me to cook…
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  OR I could eat sugar to deal with the BS dropsies, which fixes the problem for a minute until the fast-flying sweets cause a burst from my pancreas and another drop in BS so I eat more sugar which causes a burst from my pancreas…yeah. Viscous cycle, albeit a YUMMY cycle.
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  The WORST? When you couple low BS with PMS sugar cravings. Ya know what you get when that happens? Last night.
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8:00 PM   I’m craving chocolate SO BAD that if I don’t get it? I’m gonna die. OK, maybe not die, but I will cry like a little girly-girl. Only chocolate in the house is cocoa powder. What to do…
  Got it!     Homemade chocolate fudge icing. And yes, I SHALL eat it with a spoon straight outta the bowl because making something to put said icing on is for whimps!
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8:30 PM   I am happy in my hazey chocolate-sugar-buzz and all is right with the world.
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9:15 PM   The Girl arrives home from work bringing with her a red velvet cake cupcake with not only a mountain of cream cheese icing on it, but the center is stuffed with the sweet, sweet taste of heaven too.   And she gives it to ME! (Because she’s seriously awesome like that.)
  True that I’m full of chocolat fudge icing, but it would be mean and hurtful to deny her gift. I shall make the sacrifice and eat it to make her happy. Because I’m a good Mommy like that.
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9:45 PM   I am so full of sugar I am now farting candy sprinkles! .
10:15 PM  
The Oldest arrives home from work bringing with him two (TWO!) half-sheets of frosted brownies. And he bestows them up his family. Holy Mother of all chocolate overdoses!
  I tell him thank you and assure him I’ll eat some later because right now? I’m beyond full. Of sugar.
  You know what he does? He brings me a tiny piece and forces me to eat it. Ahhhhh….pure chocolatey BLISS! Must…eat...another…bite…
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12:00 AM  
I am sitting on the couch veritably VIBRTING from all the sugar coursing through my veins. I think my blood has turned into Heresy’s Chocolate Syrup. I am so full of sweets I can smell fudge…
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5:00 AM  
I, Chris Dean, hereby SWEAR I will NOT eat anymore chocolate. I will eat something healthy and good for me, even if that means *deep breath* I have to cook.
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help?
5:30 AM   
I am once again vibrating from the brownies that have mysteriously found their way past my lips (and possibly straight to my hips.). I am WEAK! I need HELP! I need…another brownie.

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