Living Beatifully? or Red Forman says I’m a dumbass!

 

Since the webcam is officially
dead, I am relegated to using
The Boy’s XBox camera.
EXCELLENT quality!
 *giggle snort*

Good morning! I have come to a realization. (Yeah, I know. I have a lot of those.) I now know that I am a judgmental bitch.
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  I guess I should clarify; I am a judgmental bitch when it comes to myself. Everyone else, it appears, gets a free pass.
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  The big unveiling of this conclusion started with my last chat with Therapy Lady. According to her, the first step I need to take in controlling my Panic Disorder is to change the “pre-recorded messages” in my head that we all play to ourselves. (OK, that’s a HORRIBLE sentence. “We“ don‘t play my messages, just me. I mean, we each play our own. A least, I’m assuming that’s the way it works. Just like I’m assuming my meaning was fairly clear without this long, drawn-out explanation. But…I did it anyway. *grin*)
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  So me being the “everything I need to know I can learn from a book” person I am, go looking. And I found one. (Living Beautifully: With Uncertainty and Change by Pema Chodron.) Which is actually a pretty cool book.
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  So far, I’ve gotten through the part where I’m supposed to stop when I feel the panic coming, breathe, examine the emotions and thoughts without judgment, and then allow them to pass, relaxing into them instead of dwelling on them or fighting them.
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  This? Is where the problems start. Evidently, my mind is so unruly that it’s not willing to follow directions. (Like my Parents and former Teachers couldn’t have told me that.) (OK, they HAVE told me that.) I mean, I can breathe, since it’s kinda a life requirement and all. I can examine the emotions and thoughts well enough. It’s the whole lack of being judgy that’s tripping me up.
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  It would seem my inner voice has morphed into Red Forman from That 70’s Show. Every other inner-word is, “Dumbass!” Which is seriously counter-productive to the whole point of the exercise. *sigh*
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  I try to focus on the whole breath and “name” the emotion only to find my brain wandering off, playing its own game of word association. Then I snap back to what I’m supposed to be doing with the inevitable, “Focus, dumbass!”
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  I’m starting to think I should be looking more for something in the “Keeping Calm for Dummies” category. Does anyone know if they’ve written this one yet? I’d be ever so appreciative for the heads-up!
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PS I did a quick Amazon search and the best I could find was Little Ways to Keep Calm and Carry On: Twenty Lessons for Managing Worry, Anxiety, and Fear . This obviously means someone needs to writing the Dummies book so debases like me can buy it!


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