I started this post Sunday, then got distracted and decided maybe it wasn’t the best of ideas. But sometimes The Universe decides you’re wrong and sends you a reminder…
Last night I fell asleep texting a dear friend who lives with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. She was having a rough day and we were doing our best to find something to laugh about in all the mess that our lives can be.
That was about the time she sent me this;
“…I had no clue you were experiencing the same as me.”
So, I figured I’d let The Universe have its way this time and finish what I started.
PS NEVER use waterproof eyeliner to write on your forehead unless you REALLY mean it! And by “mean it,” I mean you don’t mind it being there for a while…a long while.
“Stop making mountains out of molehills.”
“You’re being a Drama Queen.”
“Don’t you think you’re just being silly?”
“Do you hear how ridiculous you sound right now?”
“If you don’t like being afraid, then don’t do it.”
“If you’re that worried about it, then do something to fix it.”
Here’s my question; how do you explain “irrational” fear to someone who has never experienced it? How do you explain an “irrational” fear when you don’t even understand what the hell it is exactly that you’re afraid of anyway?
Here’s a stellar example; in the last year I have spent less than seven nights total sleeping in my own bed. It’s a wonderful bed, not because it’s the world’s comfiest bed or the newest orthopedic whatever. It’s an awesome bed because it’s where my awesome hubby sleeps at night, like a normal adult human person. I? Sleep on the couch.
I don’t sleep on the couch because it’s the world’s comfiest couch or newest couch or even best smelling couch. I sure as hell don’t sleep on the couch because I don’t want to sleep next to my hubby. I DO! I sleep on the couch because…it’s my nest.
My personal “comfort zone” has shrank to the point where it pretty much only encompasses the corner of one room. How screwy is THAT? And this is coming from a woman who has spent her entire life describing herself as a Gypsy. A woman who gets “itchy fee” and just wants to “go.” A chick who suffers from wanderlust.
So how in the name of all this is good and just in this world, did I EVER go from THAT chick to the creepy little woman who doesn’t want to leave the corner of her couch? Beats the living crap outta me, guys!
OK, not really. I can kinda put a finger on the root of it, like running your tongue over a painful tooth…you can’t SEE the problem, but you can sure as hell feel it.
Even though there has probably always been a little glitchiness hiding under the surface, it wasn’t until chronic illness forced much more face-to-face, alone time with myself that it became a REAL problem. Like the nasty little insect that it is, it managed to creep up slowly until Whoop! There it was…
I wrote last year about seeking help from my General Practitioner, who was awesome enough to put me on some lovely little pills that really did help! Right up until they side-effected me into thoughts of suicide. (Did you know that, according to my Therapy Lady, Lorazepam is meant for short-term, rescue work only? Yeah, long term use can have some mega UNawesome effects.) That was when I KNEW it was time to book an appointment with Therapy Lady.
So currently I am unmedicated for the whole panic disorder and moderate agoraphobia thing while I wait out my Medication Consultation on the 24th. For now, the glitches work hard to kick my ass. But the way I sees it, I’m currently winning since I can and do force myself to leave the house. (So take THAT, you dirty little bastard!)
I guess I just need to say, for all you awesome people who hang out with me every day…it’s a heck of a lot easier to be positive and up-beat in the wee hours of the dawn when the house is quietly populated by napping critters, the rhythmic clicking of the keyboard, mellow tuneage, and me.
Despite the hoodie, I’m not a Woman of Steel. I bend, I crack, and sometimes I leak panic, fear, and bitchiness all over the place. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s not humanly possible to be happy and a Positive-Polly all the time. As with any on-line thing, what you see here is nothing more or less than a snap-shot of a life.
Mentally or physically, people do bend and crack from time-to-time. About the best gift any of us can give to ourselves is to acknowledge that we’re human, try not to beat ourselves up when we do bend or leak, remind ourselves that no mater how dark times may seem, we’re not alone in the fray, and to occasionally take the time to look in the mirror and scream, “I REFUSE TO BREAK!”
And if you are going through a dark time and need help, there are a TON of online resources that are there to give you a warm fuzzy or an understanding ear when you need it most!
Free Online Anxiety Support Community. Because it takes a tribe!
SuicideHotlines.net Text only listings for suicide prevention and emotional crisis
Please just remember, there’s no shame in asking for help because we’re all human and we’re all on this crazy ride called life together.