Saturday, June 29, 2013

No one paid me to do this. But if someone wants to? Slide me an e-mail!

  Holy shiz-nit guys! I think I just figured out how to make my fortune since my whole “Twitter’s gonna make me rich” thing hasn’t panned out yet. Sponsorship  baby! No, not blog sponsorship. I’m talkin’ sponsorship for ME.

  I can see it now…It’ll be all like, “This trip-and-faceplant brought to you by Aunt Ada’s Antibacterial Salve. Aunt Ada’s been taking the ‘boo-hoos’ outta ‘boo-boos’ since 1995!”

  Or when I get an awesome bird-related injury, I could show it to everyone and say something like, “When warring Muscovy males tear a chunk outta my finger? I use Birdly Bandages. They’re not just water proof, we’re mud-and-much proof too! At Birdly’s, we’re here to keep the mud from getting’ in your blood!”

  I’m thinking I’ve got a few inches not covered by tattoos, so I could get some top-dollar guys for permanent sponsorship. “My life is sponsored by Chips-N-Dips Cookies. When you want a body that says ‘Two-pieces are for rookies!’ you want Chips-N-Dips Cookies, the ONLY chocolate chip cookies that come with their own container of dipping fudge.”

  Or I could probably take a less “forever” route and wear a jumpsuit. But I’d want the overalls-style jumpsuit instead of the full-coverage affair. I mean, have you ever worn one of those? They ride up like there’s no tomorrow and get “all up in your business,” causing some serious never-ending pick-and-pull activity. And one thing I learned yesterday? It sucks to be executing a pick-and-pull, happy in your own little world, only to discover there are a bunch of strangers with a bird’s eye view into your universe.

Was that a rant or more of a tangent? Yeah, I think I went off on a tangent there, since there wasn’t any real anger or frustration required to make it an actual rant. Just slightly-more-than-usual embarrassment.

  As I was saying, I could wear an overall-style jumpsuit covered in Sponsor’s Logos. That way? I wouldn’t have to speak in slogan-ese to total strangers. My clothes would say it all. Like wearing pants that say “®Juicy” across the ass, only mine would probably say “®Tucks” or “®Preparation-H”.

  OH! Better yet, “®Ben & Jerry’s” across the seat with "®Hersey’s" on my left saddlebag and "®Oreo" on my right. THAT would be some SERIOUS truth in advertising!

  You know what? I think I may be on to something here. Now all I gotta find is the right sponsor for my brain…

Discarded ideas:

  My stretch marks spell out “®Pillsbury” Cause nothing’ says lovin’ like something’ from the oven!

  ®Bounce Wrinkle Spray. Because you don’t want your clothes to look like my face! 

  (On cane) Want as many trips as I have? Use ®Priceline.