Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Further acts of stupidity

Good morning! SO I sat down this morning and started this deeply reflective post comparing yesterday’s visit with the Heart Doc to one from October of 2008, which, by random chance, happened to be in the exact same office.

It kinda went something like blah blah blah Hubby continues to tell anyone and EVERYone he comes into contact with that they’re “waterboarding” me blah blah blah NEVER wear a bra with an underwire on your first visit to a new Cardiologist. Something about metal interfering with leads of inevitable EKG will require the lady equivalent of free-ballin’ blah blah blah the Heart Guy was kind enough to explain the tilt test to me in layman’s terms, “Basically we strap you to a table and then stand you up until...well, basically until you pass out. Sometimes it takes up to 30 minutes for that to happen.” blah blah blah “I found my people!” blah blah blah.

Then I got hungry. But today was the day we had scheduled to hit the grocery store (and by “we” I really meant “Hubby can go by himself, ‘cause it’s friggin’ COLD out there!”) so breakfast pickins were pretty slim.

And this? Is where the morning went...wrong.
Just a thought...if you NEED to look, sniff, and tiny-taste-test it,

As I scavenged through my empty cabinets, I discovered ¼ jar of peanut butter that'd gotten scooted behind a bag of rice. RIGHT ON! Protein. But I’m not really a peanut-butter-on-toast kinda gal, so I hit the fridge for some of my hidden stash of maple syrup to mix with it. (Hubby’s Uncle and cousins still make their own maple syrup the old fashioned way. AND IT IS PURE LIQUID GOLD!)

As I contorted to reach my super secret hiding place, I spotted the long forgotten container of cream cheese. My heart skipped a beat...nothing is better than cream cheese and peanut butter all smooshed together in a bowl and eaten with a fork. Unless we’re talkin’ cream cheese, peanut butter, and maple syrup.

The problem was, I didn’t even remember buying this particular container. (Which, just for future reference, is NOT a good sign!) Did I look for the expiration date? Oh HELLZ no! Those things are only there for the faint of heart anyway. No, I instead performed the hold-to-light-squint-one-eye-and-look-sideways test.What happened next went something like this;

“I honestly don’t remember cream cheese being slightly yellow, but Hubby did buy the weird, yellow light bulbs, so that’s probably it. I’ll do the “sniff” test. That one’s a sure thing.
Hmmm...it’s been so long since I bought cream cheese, I’m not sure if this smells OK or not. I’ll do the “tiny taste-test. Umm...coffee tongue and cream cheese do NOT blend well, but I’m sure it’s good. Now where’s the maple syrup?”

You can plainly see, I followed the timeless, country wisdom and kitchen-logic protocols handed down to my by my Mother and Grandmother. And yes, peanut butter, cream cheese, and maple syrup DID make a blissful bowl of morning yumminess!

For about 15 minutes. (I’m not quite sure which I’m hatin’ more right now, the entry way or the rear waste disposal unit.)

My dear, dear friends, let’s just say I have learned one very important lesson today; when in doubt, throw it out!

Either that or the country wisdom of my Mother and Grandmother only works for those who have stomachs made of cast iron. And mine? Must be closer to a stomach of melted butter.

Either way, the end result is the same; I ended up wasting priceless maple syrup.

PS The Girl woke up and wandered over right before I hit the "publish" button.
After asking WHY there was a container of cream cheese sitting on my desk and hearing my tale of woe, she opened said container and offered her two cents on the topic.
"OOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! It smells SOUR! Cream cheese is NOT supposed to smell SOUR! And it's kinda congealed. I wouldn't say it's yellow, but it's definitely off white. And you ATE THIS? What the fuck, Mom!?!"
FINE! Next time I'm waking her up first.

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